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Original poster

How to deal with sister after what DH told me

160 replies

iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 13:47

I’m not surprised actually I’m just a little hurt but not overly shocked. At Xmas we had all gone to bed but DH and my sister had stayed awake drinking. She told him she doesn’t like me or the rest of the siblings and can’t stand my parents which is very surprising as she’s always smooching up to them and being all nicey nicey to them. She told him she only cares about making herself happy and everyone else can go to hell. DH got the impression she’s sleeping around and cheating on her DH, I’m not shocked by this as she seems to go away for many weekends leaving kids with her DH. It feels like she said more but my DH won’t tell me as he promised her he wouldn’t he’s only told me things that I kind of had a feeling about.

she’s always been a very jealous person and quite vindictive. She asked me a year ago if I can take a phone contract out for her which I refused and the. Asked for money so she can buy a car. She’s much older but always looks at all of us as kind of that we owe her and should go without as long as she gets anything.

i have felt guilty in the past as she pleads poverty so I give her kids cash and gift cards on their birthdays but then whenever I see her she has the latest gadgets and nice clothes.

i have a feeling she tried it on with my DH but he hasn’t said, he just implied it. I kind of feel a little relieved knowing all these years when I’ve sensed something I haven’t been wrong and she is just a user who tries to use people. I don’t want her in my life anymore but for the sake of the kids don’t want a full blown confrontation. One thing that got to me was she told DH that I cause so many issues and can’t let things go. She was referring to my SA when I was a child because I refuse to talk to that family member whilst the rest of the siblings still talk to him. That part is the only part I’m really angry about.

what would you do? I feel a little angry and a little relieved that I’m not imaging it all and she is a horrible evil little cow I always knew she was

she does have a little hold over me which I don’t get such as if if want to see my other sibling she’s never happy if we meet up alone and always wants to be there but it’s okay for her to meet that sibling alone and see me alone.

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 02/01/2025 15:02

Was her tongue loosened by drink? People say all sorts of stuff when they are drunk.

There's not much you can do but be careful, certainly be less available to her in future. It's good that your husband told you.

If you are brave enough you could speak to her privately about this, telling her what your husband relayed to you, asking her to explain. Find out if she meant it or was it the drink talking. I think I would do that.

oakleaffy · 02/01/2025 15:01

Rubydoobydoobydoo · 02/01/2025 14:55

OP, you might like to consider the possibility that he's preparing for when she tells you that he made a pass at her/ told her your marriage was dead or whatever happened the other night. Then he can say 'You know what a two-faced liar she is. She's always been jealous of our happiness. I told you she told me how much she hates you and the rest of the family. She's just trying to cause trouble.'

This in spades. ⬆️

oakleaffy · 02/01/2025 15:00

iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 14:08

Yes I trust my husband. I can feel a lot more was said but he doesn’t want to upset me. I don’t think I would share with siblings or parents.

Your husband should have removed himself entirely from her presence.
Sounds like he’s a gossip and enjoyed shit stirring and her attentions.

Red Flag 🚩

BeensOnToost · 02/01/2025 14:58

I think your husband is a complete prick. He is part of your family which means its totally inappropriate for him to listen to your sister bitch about his wife's family. He's a dick form promising to hold her confidence and a nasty bastard for putting all this on your mind when he should have just shut it down, told her he was going to sleep, and left the room.

Complete tomfuckery from a man that will.frame himself as the good guy while loving the drama and seeing you suffer.

Rubydoobydoobydoo · 02/01/2025 14:55

OP, you might like to consider the possibility that he's preparing for when she tells you that he made a pass at her/ told her your marriage was dead or whatever happened the other night. Then he can say 'You know what a two-faced liar she is. She's always been jealous of our happiness. I told you she told me how much she hates you and the rest of the family. She's just trying to cause trouble.'

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/01/2025 14:55

What everyone has said. If I was up drinking with one of DH's friends (I doubt I would) and they said, "don't tell MrPratchett this" I would laugh in their face. Of COURSE I will tell MrPratchett everything.

It's different for example when say a best friend tells me their secret about them and asks me not to share. But two people sharing information about, and that affects, ME, and keeping secrets? Hard no.

First DH tells you everything, then you decide what to do. Hopefully ever see any of these idiots ever again.

Pninnette · 02/01/2025 14:47

iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 14:08

Yes I trust my husband. I can feel a lot more was said but he doesn’t want to upset me. I don’t think I would share with siblings or parents.

So why did he sit there listening to it and then come back and repeat it to you?

Bleachbum · 02/01/2025 14:47

iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 14:08

Yes I trust my husband. I can feel a lot more was said but he doesn’t want to upset me. I don’t think I would share with siblings or parents.

But this doesn’t hold water. If he didn’t want to upset you he would have shut the conversation down immediately and not told you a thing.

By only telling you snippets he is not only already upsetting you but also leaving you tormented wondering what else was said.

No33 · 02/01/2025 14:46

Gotta agree that I don't trust your husband, or that nothing happened between them!

pinkfondu · 02/01/2025 14:45

Also why would your dh tell you this? To make you not talk to your sister and find out what really happened between then?

Mymanyellow · 02/01/2025 14:43

I hope your abuser isn’t having contact with any children in the family? If he is that needs reporting.
Also I’d be very wary about what you’re being told here sounds like dh is getting his story in first.

Richard1985 · 02/01/2025 14:41

Sounds like something happened between them and your husband is breadcrumbing some info for if/when shit hits the fan

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 02/01/2025 14:37

iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 14:31

They all have a WhatsApp group with my abuser and his family. I didn’t know, my eldest nephew let it slip by accident. That really hurt me too. Sorry for posting it here when nothing to do with my thread. It just really upset me.

Wow. This is incredible. I'm so sorry nobody has your back, op.

Original poster
iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 14:37

@WilfredsPies thank you. Yes you are right! I’ve heard this before about people repeating patterns they are familiar with.

OP posts:
WilfredsPies · 02/01/2025 14:35

iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 14:31

They all have a WhatsApp group with my abuser and his family. I didn’t know, my eldest nephew let it slip by accident. That really hurt me too. Sorry for posting it here when nothing to do with my thread. It just really upset me.

I’m not bloody surprised it upset you; it would devastate anyone.

Based on the very minimal amount of information you’ve given here, I don’t think that your sister is the only arsehole in your family. I think she might just be a bit more obvious about it than the others.

I also think that you might have married someone because they feel familiar to you; ie, another arsehole.

May09Bump · 02/01/2025 14:33

iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 14:19

Thank you to people agreeing they shouldn’t be talking to my abuser still. I know deep down it’s not right but the years of normalising It from them has made me feel I should just get over it.

I know it is not right they were up drinking. I’m not happy that he did this. He should have come up to bed straight away.

Get some therapy to help you find a path to get away from these people- build a new healthy life for 2025 onwards.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 02/01/2025 14:31

Convenient that he's revealed all this information that makes you likely to cut your sister off or have a huge argument rather than speak to her.

Especially as he's 'hinting' or breadcrumbing that she came onto him.

Original poster
iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 14:31

They all have a WhatsApp group with my abuser and his family. I didn’t know, my eldest nephew let it slip by accident. That really hurt me too. Sorry for posting it here when nothing to do with my thread. It just really upset me.

OP posts:
Demodog · 02/01/2025 14:26

WilfredsPies · 02/01/2025 14:21

I can’t edit my post, but just to add that I think your question really needs to be not how to deal with your sister, but how to deal with your ‘D’ H.

There’s more to this than meets the eye. And it’s not just that they were up drinking. That could be entirely innocent. It’s the discussions they were having while they were up drinking.

Edited

I agree.

Why is he bread-crumbing this? He needs to tell you exactly what was said and what went on. If he's a decent bloke then why was he sitting up playing agony uncle when she was slagging you off?

This doesn't ring true.

GetyourheadoutoftheovenIris · 02/01/2025 14:24

I would go no contact with anyone that continues to have any kind of relationship with the person that abused you! Wtf are they on?

ginasevern · 02/01/2025 14:24

So your DH stayed up drinking and sharing secrets with your sister, and you think that's OK? Personally, I think he's bad mouthing her to cover his tracks when she shouts from the rooftops that he made a pass at her - or worse.

BrightSnail · 02/01/2025 14:21

Yeeeeah. I'm with others - I would be very uncomfortable about my husband giving a drunken ear to this kind of thing. In fact that would very much be at the forefront of my mind here, rather than the whinings of a sister I already know is on her own planet.

Original poster
iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 14:21

I just feel my family is so messed up. I only speak to them for appearances, truthfully I have no love for them apart from maybe my nieces and nephews. The rest of them I really do not like especially after finding this out

OP posts:
WilfredsPies · 02/01/2025 14:21

I can’t edit my post, but just to add that I think your question really needs to be not how to deal with your sister, but how to deal with your ‘D’ H.

There’s more to this than meets the eye. And it’s not just that they were up drinking. That could be entirely innocent. It’s the discussions they were having while they were up drinking.

Original poster
iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 14:19

Thank you to people agreeing they shouldn’t be talking to my abuser still. I know deep down it’s not right but the years of normalising It from them has made me feel I should just get over it.

I know it is not right they were up drinking. I’m not happy that he did this. He should have come up to bed straight away.

OP posts: