How to deal with sister after what DH told me

This, with bells on.

Your DH hasn't told you everything so there is space for him to lie and minimise when your DSis comes to gloat to you about what happened between them.

How on earth is your DH prioritising your DSis (making promises to her) over what he shares with you?!? He should have shut that conversation down immediately.

You say you trust your DH, but he's not to be trusted based on what you've said here.

I still stand by my advice to step away from your family.

But your DH's response is out of line. I think you need to think about the totality of your marriage. Does he really have your back, or does he have it only when it doesn't discommode him? Does his 'I knew you'd react like this' mean that he thinks you should let things go with your family or simply that you need to stop asking him for further information?

And you should never have to 'stay out of his way' because you fear/don't want to deal with his reaction.

She drank too much and said things she shouldn't and likely things she didn't really mean, we all have those moments. Did they flirt? Probably hopefully not much more.

If someone abused you have you told the police? You should even if it was historic.

It's shit that he's sulking when it's you who was the topic of negative conversation. Delightful when you ask a question and get made to feel like you're the bad one for doing so. Isn't it? 🙄

Oh boy, he’s making everything so much worse! Way to lay on the nastiness when you’re feeling vulnerable, particularly with that comment re not letting it go, are you supposed to just ignore SA? 🤬

I think it would make sense to go very lc with family members who are in touch with the person who SA you. Ignore your sister, you can meet your other sibling without her. Your Dh needs to have your back. 🤬

Yep. They've shagged.

You are reacting exactly like most of us would, If he didn’t want to get sucked into the family secrets then he should have went to bed instead of staying up chewing the fat with her nor give you breadcrumbs on the conversation. He was very willing to listen to her slagging you off but he doesn’t want to tell his wife is nuts.
He sounds as bad as your family and in it for the drama but doesn’t have your back!

Hmm, I think the problem lies with your DH here, personally. Yes, your sister could have said those things, but I wouldn’t rule out your DH having malicious intent to stir up animosity between you and your sister.

They were alone, drunk? Any chance he has tried it on with her and she’s knocked him back and that’s why he’s telling you all this against her? About her cheating on her husband and not liking you, so if it ever comes out he can lay the blame at her door?

Otherwise, why is he telling you half a story and planting seeds? Very, very dodgy. He sounds like an absolute cock.

It sounds like his ego is on the verge of exploding. You're doing the right thing. No point upsetting the kids but his behaviour is awful. He is 50% to blame for all of this and her the other 50 - somehow he is trying to make it your fault. I think you'd have to go a long way to find a wife who would put up with this.

I'd bet my weeks wages that your husband and your sister did more than chat. I'm sorry but he's set her up nicely, if she ever says anything along those lines, you won't believe her. The fact that he's in a mood with YOU is very suspicious to me. He should be upset FOR you, not AT you.

First of all if my sibling, daughter had been SA by someone in the family, I would have their back, I certainly wouldn’t be pretending nothing happened and mixing with the abuser.
You don’t say much about your family but the little you did sounds horrific, you haven’t been protected nor respected and I would get therapy because it’s so f#cked up.
@iCantStopppEatinggg
I would expect my H to have my back, not to be up drinking with a member of family that does not give a fig about you, certainly not sharing confidences with. Why is he protecting what was said by your sister? Was she too SA? Why the secrecy? This is what I would expect from her own husband, not sharing what was said because he was protecting her!
If I married into a family like this I would keep myself aloof from them because they are not supportive and are siding with your abuser secretly. They are horrifying and I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with them all your life and had no support.

I think you should ditch your whole family and your husband. He doesn't have your back. He's being as cruel to you as everyone else.

In these family systems there are always these sorts of "don't tell x I told you but..." conversations, a lot of shit-stirring, a lot of being made to feel disloyal if you don't play along, a lot of manipulation. You should tell your DH that you want a full and frank disclosure of what was said, what happened. What he has told you chimes true because what you have said about her behaviour during your life suggests a fairly distinctive pattern. This can be the start of a turning point for you - DH needs to give you all facts you want, trust your instinct if you feel he's holding out, don't perpetuate the cycle of secrecy, he's being very cruel with the "you never let things go". You do not need to put up with this crap.

The fact that he is sulking because you won’t let it drop would arouse my suspicions even further!

As the old saying goes, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. Just have as little to do with her as you can possibly get away with.

Personally, I wouldn’t say anything so I could still have a relationship with my nieces and nephews. Emotionally though, I would be very boundaried and ensure I kept my interactions with her to an absolute minimum.

Agree with what others said about your husband

She sounds like she has borderline personality disorder or similar, the way she’s so black and white and can’t stand anyone. Your DH is obviously the exception to this and her bff in the family. I think she’s manipulating him and saying all sorts of things about you.

In terms of the sexual abuse, this is not how a sister should act. you don’t owe a sexual abuser anything nor his/her family and friends. Your response to this and how you handle it is between yourself, and maybe a counsellor for some guidanxe. Nobody else gets to weigh in.

Your DH needs to sit down and give a detailed account of what has happened.

I think it's really inappropriate DH staying up late drinking with her and only telling you have the story, refusing to tell the rest. I would want to know all of it, and I would not accept him keeping her confidences. It is breaking your trust.

As for confronting her, go as LC as possible but don't get dragged into any drama. The trash has a habit of taking itself out in the end. I would never trust her again, mind you.

I think that nowadays some people are too quick to cut themselves off from family members, but this sounds like a good case for it, at least in your sister's case. It is sad if the children miss out but you can't have a relative bad mouthing you to your DH. I'm afraid I would be suspicious of him too and wonder why on earth he told you this horrible stuff and hinted there is more.

Cross posted @Branleuse i totally agree

I cannot understand why your husband is prioritising a secret with your sister over openness with you. That’s really shady…

i wouldnt immediately believe your dh, especially since hes being cagey and secretive.
Id actually be concerned that he had possibly tried it on with my sister, and was now going all out to paint her as an unreliable witness in case it gets out.

That would be my worry, because thats such a common tactic that its almost a cliché.

I could be wrong, but its worth bearing in mind.

I absolutely would not be happy about him sharing secrets with my sister and cherrypicking what to tell me, as if his loyalty is with her

100% - you've saved me typing out basically the exact same reply

@iCantStopppEatinggg

Well first off, in a way I'd be sort of glad that she and DH stayed up drinking since it seems to have brought out things from her that you suspected. And as far as what else she may have said that he's not telling you, do you really want or need to know? Seems to me you have enough info to be going on with. Why torture yourself with more hurtful information when you already have enough to justify any actions you wish to take?

At this point, since your family obviously doesn't have your back, I don't think I'd go for a huge confrontation. It may satisfy you for the moment, but it's unlikely to change anything and will probably blow up in your face. Instead, I'd engineer a slow fade, definitely from your sister, and possibly from the rest of your family. Do any of them really serve a purpose in or add anything positive to your life?

So, start with not responding right away to messages, ignoring any messages asking for money or favours. Make up excuses to be unavailable for visits or get togethers. Start small and increase your unavailability until you are either gone completely or decreased enough to avoid the drama and importuning.

And if you haven't already, get counseling for the past SA as well as the dynamics of your family. And if you have had counseling in the past, it may be time for a 'tune up'. That's where you reexamine your strengths and weaknesses to those that aren't in your corner and learn (or relearn) the techniques to protect yourself.