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How to deal with sister after what DH told me

160 replies

iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 13:47

I’m not surprised actually I’m just a little hurt but not overly shocked. At Xmas we had all gone to bed but DH and my sister had stayed awake drinking. She told him she doesn’t like me or the rest of the siblings and can’t stand my parents which is very surprising as she’s always smooching up to them and being all nicey nicey to them. She told him she only cares about making herself happy and everyone else can go to hell. DH got the impression she’s sleeping around and cheating on her DH, I’m not shocked by this as she seems to go away for many weekends leaving kids with her DH. It feels like she said more but my DH won’t tell me as he promised her he wouldn’t he’s only told me things that I kind of had a feeling about.

she’s always been a very jealous person and quite vindictive. She asked me a year ago if I can take a phone contract out for her which I refused and the. Asked for money so she can buy a car. She’s much older but always looks at all of us as kind of that we owe her and should go without as long as she gets anything.

i have felt guilty in the past as she pleads poverty so I give her kids cash and gift cards on their birthdays but then whenever I see her she has the latest gadgets and nice clothes.

i have a feeling she tried it on with my DH but he hasn’t said, he just implied it. I kind of feel a little relieved knowing all these years when I’ve sensed something I haven’t been wrong and she is just a user who tries to use people. I don’t want her in my life anymore but for the sake of the kids don’t want a full blown confrontation. One thing that got to me was she told DH that I cause so many issues and can’t let things go. She was referring to my SA when I was a child because I refuse to talk to that family member whilst the rest of the siblings still talk to him. That part is the only part I’m really angry about.

what would you do? I feel a little angry and a little relieved that I’m not imaging it all and she is a horrible evil little cow I always knew she was

she does have a little hold over me which I don’t get such as if if want to see my other sibling she’s never happy if we meet up alone and always wants to be there but it’s okay for her to meet that sibling alone and see me alone.

OP posts:
Spondoolies · 02/01/2025 18:51

I agree with all the PPs he has totally breadcrumbed the foundations of his lie so your sister looks crazy if she spills the beans that he made a pass at her or they kissed/slept together. I would call your sister and tell her your DH has admitted what happened between them and she what she says to that!

CactusPeach · 02/01/2025 18:50

iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 16:41

Thank you all so much everyone for your messages and insights. I tried to talk to DH and his response was “I wish I never told you, I should have known you would react like this”. I’ve left it now. I’m sat in kitchen whilst kids are playing and he’s sulking in living room. He keeps muttering things like “she’s right, you never do let things go”. I’m ignoring him. I’m waiting till 7pm so can get kids ready for bed and I’m just going to watch Netflix on my phone and stay out of his way.

Sounds like @WilfredsPies hit the nail on the head, another arsehole indeed. I can't believe he's agreeing that you don't let things go when 'things' is child SA! That's unforgivable to me.
I'm sorry that you doubt yourself @iCantStopppEatinggg your feelings are totally valid, but I understand how the dynamics in messed up families can f with your mind.
I suspect you'd be happier without your family in your life, and probably your "d"h tbh. Sending you my good wishes x

DaringLion · 02/01/2025 18:45

Borninabarn32 · 02/01/2025 18:15

my DH won’t tell me as he promised her he wouldn’t

Er that's not how marriage works. He has no allegiance to her, you're his wife and his loyalty to you takes priority. You don't keep secrets from your wife/husband.

He sounds like an arsehole though the way he's talking to you. I wouldn't trust him, he's not faithful to you and your sister clearly sees that by knowing she can say these things to him and he'll keep it from you. No one would tell my DP a secret or criticise me to DP becusse he'd tell me and he'd have my back to anyone even if he agreed with them

This is spot on

Jolietta · 02/01/2025 18:38

Your husband is setting the scene and giving his version of events and giving you titbits of information.

He sounds a complete snake.

They were both drinking and if anything was said you cannot be sure what was actually said, the tone it was said in or if it was said in jest.

It's best that your husband doesn't stay up late drinking with your sister again and I really wouldn't believe everything he has said. I'm

LushLemonTart · 02/01/2025 18:25

Tessabelle74 · 02/01/2025 16:47

I'd bet my weeks wages that your husband and your sister did more than chat. I'm sorry but he's set her up nicely, if she ever says anything along those lines, you won't believe her. The fact that he's in a mood with YOU is very suspicious to me. He should be upset FOR you, not AT you.

My first thought too

Tillow4ever · 02/01/2025 18:23

so sorry OP, I can’t imagine his latest reaction/comment has made you feel any better with us all telling you what we think. He certainly sounds like a man with something to hide. How very obliging of you to give him time to work his story out though….

SpryCat · 02/01/2025 18:23

Have you had any therapy regarding the SA? The remark about you never letting anything go by your sister means you should’ve shut up and kept the abuser sweet and not made any fuss! WTF and thank goodness you didn’t because you were a victim who deserves to be believed by those closest to you. Any children around the abuser need protection but your family would rather turn a blind eye as it’s too distressing for them to actually speak up and stand with you, to go to the authorities with you and report him.
Your husband repeating that you never let anything go is abusive, he is showing he stands with them. He is also turning his complicity in staying up late with your sister while she slated you and throwing snippets of information to you onto it being a problem you have with letting anything lie. He is just as bad and would obviously allow it to happen to your own children.

LushLemonTart · 02/01/2025 18:22

DeepRoseFish · 02/01/2025 16:44

The fact that he is sulking because you won’t let it drop would arouse my suspicions even further!

Definitely. There's something fishy here.

IhateBegonias · 02/01/2025 18:16

Try to limit your contact with sister. Especially as they are in contact with your abuser. How horrid of them! I’m so sorry you have to put up with them. Put yourself first and have firm words with your husband. He should be acting better than this and definitely shouldn’t have stayed up drinking with her. I wouldn’t invite a person like this around to stay.

Borninabarn32 · 02/01/2025 18:15

my DH won’t tell me as he promised her he wouldn’t

Er that's not how marriage works. He has no allegiance to her, you're his wife and his loyalty to you takes priority. You don't keep secrets from your wife/husband.

He sounds like an arsehole though the way he's talking to you. I wouldn't trust him, he's not faithful to you and your sister clearly sees that by knowing she can say these things to him and he'll keep it from you. No one would tell my DP a secret or criticise me to DP becusse he'd tell me and he'd have my back to anyone even if he agreed with them

BerryMummypudding · 02/01/2025 18:03

WilfredsPies · 02/01/2025 14:07

I would be very, very careful here. I don’t think I would trust either one of them right now. She might not be your problem but your DH… it’s setting some alarm bells ringing for me.

i have a feeling she tried it on with my DH but he hasn’t said, he just implied it This is unacceptable from both of them. He is your husband; he doesn’t get to imply that your sister may have tried it on with him, and then say no more. His loyalty should be to his wife, not an extended family member. He needs to be very clear with you exactly what was said and/or done, and what he did to make it very clear to her that it was inappropriate.

She told him she doesn’t like me or the rest of the siblings At which point, he should have told her that she was entitled to her opinion but that he wouldn’t be engaging in any conversation where she was being negative about you. His loyalty should be to you.

my DH won’t tell me as he promised her he wouldn’t he’s only told me things that I kind of had a feeling about Again, his loyalty should be with you. The second she started confiding in him, he should have stopped her and made it very clear that he didn’t keep any secrets from his wife, so to only continue if she was ok with that. He’s made it him and her versus everyone else now, and has done a very thorough job in making sure that you know she’s a wicked manipulator who sleeps around and tells lies, while he’s just an innocent listening ear who can be trusted to keep people’s secrets. If it later emerges that anything else was said or done, who will be the first person at fault in your mind?

THIS THIS THIS!

Is his
Loyalty with you or your sister! He needs to take a redner!

Drummergirl1971 · 02/01/2025 18:01

100% this and I would make these points to him

XelaM · 02/01/2025 17:57

Coffeemmmmcoffee · 02/01/2025 14:13

Yup I also agree with @WilfredsPies

your DH should have shut this conversation down the minute she slagged you off. He has engaged in it, and then promised her to wont disclose it to you. That’s really inappropriate of him.

I wouldn’t trust either of them

This. It's so so weird that your husband was an active participant or even a listening ear in a conversation that slagged you off so badly.

My mum's sibling is best friends with my dad, but I don't see any scenario in which my dad would continue a conversation with them if they were badmouthing my mum. That just wouldn't ever happen. It's super weird how your husband "innocently" listened to you being badmouthed.

Drummergirl1971 · 02/01/2025 17:55

OP! My heart is breaking for you & I wish there was someone nice and supportive there to give you a hug. You don’t deserve any of this 😢

alpenguin · 02/01/2025 17:44

My SIL and my sister’s partner had a similar drunken “conversation”. SIL is now divorcing brother after her having 2 affairs and sister’s relationship with her partner is barely holding on despite him maintaining nothing happened. There were breadcrumbs from him which just made what was a just about plausible scenario a bigger issues and now the truth will never be known. Relationships destroyed and some very unhappy innocent parties.

OP please be wary of your husband. You’ll know if your sisters moaning about you is true or not, siblings never keep that kind of stuff to themselves and it will have been repeated throughout your life in one form or another. Ask her outright what was said /done and then consider how it ties in with your husband. I’m with all the others saying he’s setting you up to be the bad guy and you’ve done nothing wrong.

ClawedButler · 02/01/2025 17:43

So he told you a bunch of things he knew you'd be hurt by, then gets huffy with you because you're hurt?

He doesn't sound like a very nice man. I could forgive an ill-advised drinking session and the sharing of inappropriate opinions if he then told you everything that transpired in the spirit of full disclosure, AND was there to support and listen to you. But instead he's taken it and made it WORSE, AND blamed you.

JANEY205 · 02/01/2025 17:36

I agree with others that more happened between them and that’s why he’s being cagey and throwing her under the bus and making you question HER and not him. You’re being way too passive here OP. I’d also have never left my DH and sister up drinking and my sister would have immediately gone to bed as would my DH because they’d have found it awkward. Just like I wouldn’t stay up drinking with my BIL without my sister or husband there. It’s weird.

5128gap · 02/01/2025 17:23

First thing I'd be doing is telling my H that he either needs to keep it shut and respect confidences, or decide to disclose and tell all. While he's faffing about hinting and implying, telling enough to stir the pot but keeping back other things, how do you know what you're dealing with and how to proceed? Moaning about your family when drunk is a different level to trying it on with your sisters husband. Do you trust him? His behaviour here seems odd to me, deliberate trouble making at the same time as keeping her secrets...why?

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 02/01/2025 17:20

I smell guilty conscience.

EleanorBettyJackie · 02/01/2025 17:19

iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 16:41

Thank you all so much everyone for your messages and insights. I tried to talk to DH and his response was “I wish I never told you, I should have known you would react like this”. I’ve left it now. I’m sat in kitchen whilst kids are playing and he’s sulking in living room. He keeps muttering things like “she’s right, you never do let things go”. I’m ignoring him. I’m waiting till 7pm so can get kids ready for bed and I’m just going to watch Netflix on my phone and stay out of his way.

So he's DARVOing you. Nice man - not!

Starseeking · 02/01/2025 17:18

iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 16:41

Thank you all so much everyone for your messages and insights. I tried to talk to DH and his response was “I wish I never told you, I should have known you would react like this”. I’ve left it now. I’m sat in kitchen whilst kids are playing and he’s sulking in living room. He keeps muttering things like “she’s right, you never do let things go”. I’m ignoring him. I’m waiting till 7pm so can get kids ready for bed and I’m just going to watch Netflix on my phone and stay out of his way.

Oh dear, this doesn't sound good OP.

Look up DARVO, this is a classic textbook.

During your next conversation try and stay calm and focus on going end to end over his version of everything he says happened that night.

Ignore any sarcastic comments, attempts to minimise or blame you for asking questions.

PeppyGreenFinch · 02/01/2025 17:17

iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 16:41

Thank you all so much everyone for your messages and insights. I tried to talk to DH and his response was “I wish I never told you, I should have known you would react like this”. I’ve left it now. I’m sat in kitchen whilst kids are playing and he’s sulking in living room. He keeps muttering things like “she’s right, you never do let things go”. I’m ignoring him. I’m waiting till 7pm so can get kids ready for bed and I’m just going to watch Netflix on my phone and stay out of his way.

He keeps muttering things like “she’s right, you never do let things go”.

Has your H said this knowing about the SA you went through?

I would ask how can he be so disgusting to agree with someone downplaying your abuse.

He sounds horrible and I can see why he stayed up with your sister. It’s likely he enjoyed her trash talking you.

she does have a little hold over me which I don’t get such as if if want to see my other sibling she’s never happy if we meet up alone and always wants to be there but it’s okay for her to meet that sibling alone and see me alone.

Can you explain how she has a hold of you? Who cares if she’s not happy? Or does she prevent others from seeing you.

To be honest, any family member who is in a chat group with your abuser should be blocked and deleted.

Gatecrashermum · 02/01/2025 17:15

I cannot imagine anything weirder than my husband keeping secrets from me about a conversation he had with my sister. That is deeply, deeply weird OP.

Sod him sulking, go in there and finish this conversation with him! Why is his loyalty more to your sister than you? This is absolutely not something to let go.

Waterweight · 02/01/2025 17:13

WilfredsPies · 02/01/2025 14:07

I would be very, very careful here. I don’t think I would trust either one of them right now. She might not be your problem but your DH… it’s setting some alarm bells ringing for me.

i have a feeling she tried it on with my DH but he hasn’t said, he just implied it This is unacceptable from both of them. He is your husband; he doesn’t get to imply that your sister may have tried it on with him, and then say no more. His loyalty should be to his wife, not an extended family member. He needs to be very clear with you exactly what was said and/or done, and what he did to make it very clear to her that it was inappropriate.

She told him she doesn’t like me or the rest of the siblings At which point, he should have told her that she was entitled to her opinion but that he wouldn’t be engaging in any conversation where she was being negative about you. His loyalty should be to you.

my DH won’t tell me as he promised her he wouldn’t he’s only told me things that I kind of had a feeling about Again, his loyalty should be with you. The second she started confiding in him, he should have stopped her and made it very clear that he didn’t keep any secrets from his wife, so to only continue if she was ok with that. He’s made it him and her versus everyone else now, and has done a very thorough job in making sure that you know she’s a wicked manipulator who sleeps around and tells lies, while he’s just an innocent listening ear who can be trusted to keep people’s secrets. If it later emerges that anything else was said or done, who will be the first person at fault in your mind?

This. Your husband has no rights to be telling you what your sister said while drunk & clearly unhappy. he does however have an obligation to tell you if he/she/they were inappropriate

So his "story" sounds like he made up what he would say & is just fueling a fire

ISpyNoPlumPie · 02/01/2025 17:13

Sadly, I think you’d be much better off without your sister (and perhaps other family members…) and your DH. You don’t get to choose your family, but I wouldn’t have much to do with them from here on in. You do however, get to choose your spouse. This is not the behaviour of someone who loves or cares about you. My husband is not perfect by any means but he would never show me such disloyalty, disrespect, and disdain. Is this relationship salvageable? It sounds deeply unhealthy from what you’ve said.