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Original poster

Cant sleep with pain - DH's response

37 replies

Rumors1 · 02/01/2025 09:44

I dont know if I am being overly sensitive about this. For context I have been in some level of pain almost constantly for the past number of years. I have psoriatic arthritis (its an inflammatory arthritis) for 7 years and take weekly injections. I have had a rough year with it and its only in the last couple of months that the arthritis is under control. I had to cut back on my sports hobbies as they were causing too much pain.
I have a twisted pelvis that I was going to a physio for. I do the exercises everyday and spend about 1.5 hours daily doing strengthening exercises and stretches to try to straighten my pelvis.
It is only having minimal effect and at night my hips can get very painful and I get tingling and numbness down my left leg (this is also starting in my right calf recently)

I have also started to get facial pain and am waiting on a CT scan as the consultant thinks I am developing trigeminal neuralgia (TN).This is a painful condition where the nerves in the side of the face misfire. I have the symptoms of the atypical version as I have it on both sides of my face not just one.
Touching my face or the cold/wind triggers it.

For most of this year at least 4 out of 7 nights I struggle to fall asleep because of pain. It could take 2/3 hours to fall asleep.
Last night we went to bed at 10.45pm and at 1am I was still awake as when I tried to sleep on my side it triggered the face pain (like a strong ear ache with shooting pains) and when I lay on my back it started the pelvis pain and tingling down my leg.

I sat up in the bed and DH woke up. He asked what was wrong and I said I couldnt sleep because of the pain. He asked what pain and I said face and hips, he replied "ah the usual pains". He asked if he could get me anything to which I said no thanks. He then turned over and went back to sleep.

I often sit in the bed crying quietly at night out of pain and frustration, DH is a heavy sleeper so he doesnt wake and I dont try to wake him.

I just felt upset last night at his lack of attention. He is very good in every other way but I feel he is not understanding about this pain and the effect it has on me.
He thinks offering to get me a painkiller or drink is sufficient.
He just doesnt understand or (as far as I can see) try to understand the emotional impact of constant pain.
I am probably just being over sensitive as I am so worried about the TN as I know it is a progressive condition.

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OP posts:
Neolara · 02/01/2025 10:20

I had chronic pain for nearly a year due to sciatica. Until then, I'd absolutely no idea how exhausting, distressing and debilitating long term pain could be.

It sounds like your DH is lovely, but just doesn't properly understand it, which is not surprising if he hasn't experienced chronic pain himself.

Mrsttcno1 · 02/01/2025 10:18

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong here, and as difficult as I can imagine it must be for you if it is happening 4 nights a week, every week, it’s not reasonable to expect him to also sit awake providing emotional support in the middle of the night every night.

Catza · 02/01/2025 10:14

A hug and a bit of sympathy was what I needed but it feels very false if you have to ask for it!

This is how humans communicate. If they want something, they ask for it. Nobody has telepathic abilities and throwing comments like "you just don't understand!!!" is not going to get you closer to your goal either. My ex lived with psoriatic arthritis. I very much do understand in as far as I can understand another person's experience without feeling it myself. But I am also a human being and my emotional needs also matter in a relationship but it all became about his needs and his wants which he couldn't even communicate to me properly. And it broke out relationship so don't be that person, OP.

CastleCrasher · 02/01/2025 10:09

I suffer from chronic pain too so I understand why you feel like you do, but honestly I don't think your dh has done anything wrong either. It is the 'usual' pain (ie it wasn't something that's not happened before that would ring alarm bells for him) and he presumably knows it can make sleeping difficult. He offered help and you said you didn't need it. He wasn't to know that you needed more emotional support last night than usual. I get it, you are tired and sore, and it's so easy to cast blame on those around you, but I honestly think it's a lesson for you- next time ask for a hug. Hope the pain eases for you soon!

monkeysox · 02/01/2025 10:04

Rumors1 · 02/01/2025 10:01

Thanks for the replies. I havent said anything to him as I did think I was probably being too sensitive, and I know there is no badness in it. I think it was just the fact he was focused on the practicalities only and not the emotional side that got to me. Painkillers dont work and he knows I dont take them for it. A hug and a bit of sympathy was what I needed but it feels very false if you have to ask for it!

If I knew he was sitting up on bed frequently unable to sleep with the pain, I would be asking after his emotional wellbeing.

I am due back in the hospital next week and will ask about a referral to a pain clinic. I have been putting it off as I was hoping things would settle down.

You need to be clear. If he asks if you need anything an acceptable response is "a cuddle please, I'm really struggling "

Octavia64 · 02/01/2025 10:03

I have chronic pain and it often wakes me up in the night.

I usually get up, make up a cup of tea, take painkillers and a couple of biscuits and Mumsnet until the painkillers kick in.

Do you have sufficient pain relief? It doesn't sound like it. Look at your meds again.

Original poster
Rumors1 · 02/01/2025 10:01

Thanks for the replies. I havent said anything to him as I did think I was probably being too sensitive, and I know there is no badness in it. I think it was just the fact he was focused on the practicalities only and not the emotional side that got to me. Painkillers dont work and he knows I dont take them for it. A hug and a bit of sympathy was what I needed but it feels very false if you have to ask for it!

If I knew he was sitting up on bed frequently unable to sleep with the pain, I would be asking after his emotional wellbeing.

I am due back in the hospital next week and will ask about a referral to a pain clinic. I have been putting it off as I was hoping things would settle down.

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 02/01/2025 09:51

I have chronic pain and issues with sleep as well - I'm not sure I'd expect DH to do anything at 1am, really. He did ask if you wanted anything and you said no - so I'm not sure what else it was you were after?

If it was sympathy or a hug or something then you needed to tell him that - you can't expect him to be a mind reader when he's just been woken up in the middle of the night.

I hope you get on top of things soon x

Eenameenadeeka · 02/01/2025 09:50

His response was perfectly reasonable. He asked if you needed anything, and you said no. It must be awful to be in so much pain but I'm not sure what different response you are looking for from him?

Shakethedisease · 02/01/2025 09:49

I see why you're worried and upset. Chronic pain is terrible to live with. Are you being prescribed anything for it right now? I know you're waiting for a scan but what help have you been given in the mean time? There should be a pain clinic you can be referred to.

I think, gently, your DH is thinking there's not a lot else he can do and to some extent he's right. Him staying awake with you isn't the answer, that will just make both of you exhausted. Can you try podcasts or meditations to listen to, to help you fall asleep? What have you tried so far?

StrawberryWater · 02/01/2025 09:49

He asked if he could get me anything to which I said no thanks. He then turned over and went back to sleep.

He asked you if he could get you anything and you said 'no'! So what's he supposed to do? Next time you want something specific, ask.

Valid8me · 02/01/2025 09:47

I do feel for you but what exactly would you like DH to do at 1:00am when you can't sleep? He did ask if you wanted anything and you said no.

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