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Original poster

To think new mums are sometimes misled with the amount of ‘help’ to expect

421 replies

SneakyLilNameChange · 02/01/2025 07:49

Friend recently had a baby and was speaking to me a few weeks later about how no one had ‘helped’ her in the early days. She has a v supportive partner who had 4 weeks off and did at least his fair share and then some but she meant friends and family really. The books she had read said when guests come she should go nap or ask them to do washing etc when in reality she felt cheeky asking them that and no one offered or started doing tasks/chores around the house. Something on social media suggested saying people could visit only if they bought a meal which she apparently suggested to a sibling who came with no meal and thought she was joking. Despite having all their family come, coo and bring gifts and support them emotionally she feels really let down.

It made me think actually that all sounds like normal family behaviour and telling women their visitors will roll their sleeves up and run a hoover around or bring meals is unrealistic. Some family will and it would be lovely to have that obviously but for most people it’s them and their partner who do everything. It certainly was for us!

OP posts:
user1471516498 · 02/01/2025 12:30

I think that women are totally misled and should be warned that basically you will be doing this alone and any help you receive is a bonus and a blessing,including your partner. Yes, I know partners should help, but in the real world...

Happyaslarry24 · 02/01/2025 12:27

Mmmm I think if she wants someone to do the housework other than herself and her partner she should have hired a cleaner. Lovely in the early days when a visitor offers a bit of help or brings food but definitely wouldn’t have relied upon it/ expected it.

ChateauMargaux · 02/01/2025 12:25

I think there is an unwritten contract between friends and family, if you help them in the way you would like to be helped, then they will probably help you too. If it is the culture in your family to rock up, empty the dishwasher, put the washing out, help with DIY, offer lifts, go on camping or self catering holidays together etc.. then it is likely that your family will show up and help. If your family are more of the type who host and expect to be hosted, take all inclusive holidays together, then it is likely that they are going to show up with a gift for the baby and expect you to make a cup of tea for them. Many of our parents generation got no help from their parents, as they moved away and were expected to fend for themselves, they are now enjoying a responsibility free life and expect it to continue. Others remember how hard it was and show up with marigolds in hand.

TheWholeMealBaby · 02/01/2025 12:24

We had zero help when my children were born. I drove to the supermarket 3 days after my C section to do the weekly shop (emergency section, it wasn't bad planning!) as husband doesn't drive.
Despite having grandparents a 20 min drive away they decided they absolutely wanted no involvement with my children outside of a weekly visit, I obviously had to go to them (they stepped foot in my house 3 times in 15 years).
It was a seriously difficult time especially as I went back to work 6 months after I had my first, they were 2 months prem. I did every pick up and drop off from nursery/school for years.
Consequently if my son or daughter ever have children and they want my help I will be there like a rocket, if they want meals, laundry, general tidying, trip to the shop etc I will do anything to make it easier for them!

CoraTheExplora · 02/01/2025 12:23

drgrat · 02/01/2025 08:22

My friends helped, sent Deliveroo vouchers, would make all the drinks on visiting, bring gifts, my mum cleaned and did the washing. My friends regularly offer to sit with baby so I can get some sleep.

Some people are just more understanding and it’s essential for sanity in these sleepless days

What do you do for your friends? Or is it all about drgrat?

CoraTheExplora · 02/01/2025 12:16

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

THIS!! Isn't it funny how people are desperate for a village but they aren't willing to be the village

Sapienza · 02/01/2025 12:15

Wishingplenty · 02/01/2025 12:06

I went against medical advice and opted for a natural birth because I knew no one would take the timeout for me and my baby for me to recover from a c section.

Thankfully all went well, but sadly that is the times we are living in. Everyone is so into themselves. I am sure there are lovely warm supportive families out there but they are definitely in the minority.
My own parents do help on occasion, but only for 2-3 hours in one given day and maybe then just a couple of times a week, which is a help, but it doesn't quite cut it when dealing with new babies and very young children.

Your parents helping for 2-3 hours a day, a couple of times a week, is quite a reasonable amount of help.

Is there a reason why your partner didn't help you in looking after his baby and young children.

MultilingualMummy · 02/01/2025 12:14

kiraric · 02/01/2025 11:38

I think most of those cultures have a general expectation that men don't do domestic labour. So your mum/MIL help you after birth instead of your husband

I think the issue we have in the UK is that we have moved past the expectation that mums/MiLs will step in and do this but not all men have stepped up.

Edited
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My husband was definitely expected to help and participate which he did. I’m only focusing on what my friends and family did as that was the discussion topic. I think the way the U.K. treats new mothers is cruel and awful.

Sayshesheshe · 02/01/2025 12:12

My parents have been helping in cleaning and cooking and visit quite regularly. They also get tonnes of baby cuddles so aren’t treated like the help!

I would never ask a friend to help with that though, friend visits are for normal conversation and for seeing the baby meet my favourite people in the world.

diddl · 02/01/2025 12:12

Surely you are only misled if real people have actually promised to do stuff but then don't?

It's unlikely I'll be a GM but if I ever am I could be pushing 70.

Now I know that's not old by any stretch.

But I'm still not going to start cooking/cleaning for a couple of 30 somethings when one is off for 4wks for just that purpose!

ttcat37 · 02/01/2025 12:09

Tahlbias · 02/01/2025 11:58

I've had 2 miracles, but I never expected any visitors to help me. My own sister in law expected everything to be done for her. Sat down to cook, expected my mother in law to do everything and still does. The baby is now 4 months.

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Good for you. Hang on a sec, I’ve got a medal here for you, it says Martyr of the Year. The rest of us will take the help.

PeachOP · 02/01/2025 12:09

When I had my babies I was shocked at the amount of help I had. I did not expect it, I was the first from my circle to have children so I hadn’t really given it much thought. From the day I came home both sides of our families practically fell over themselves to help in any way they could. Food, cleaning, watching baby while I napped and showered. When my partner went back to work I would have someone pop in every day. My friends would send me Deliveroo orders without even asking, when they would come over they would wash my dishes, start folding piles of washing if they saw it was out. I was humbled and blown away. I now offer the same support to any friend or family member who has a baby. I think if everyone was like this women would have a much better time post partum.

GoldMerchant · 02/01/2025 12:07

NeedToChangeName · 02/01/2025 09:10

Absolutely 💯

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Fair enough! Probably some unthinking internalized sexism here!

Wishingplenty · 02/01/2025 12:06

I went against medical advice and opted for a natural birth because I knew no one would take the timeout for me and my baby for me to recover from a c section.

Thankfully all went well, but sadly that is the times we are living in. Everyone is so into themselves. I am sure there are lovely warm supportive families out there but they are definitely in the minority.
My own parents do help on occasion, but only for 2-3 hours in one given day and maybe then just a couple of times a week, which is a help, but it doesn't quite cut it when dealing with new babies and very young children.

LBFseBrom · 02/01/2025 12:02

I think the only people from whom you can expect help after you've had a baby, are the baby's grandparents. Other friends or family may offer to do things, like washing up for example, or picking something up from shops, if you're lucky but it isn't to be expected. Best to limit visits to half an hour or at least no more than an hour. I can remember people coming round and expecting to sit and chat, drink tea etc. That's OK if you feel like doing that for a short while but not if you'd rather be having a sleep.

WokeKarenHereAskMeAboutStuff · 02/01/2025 12:01

GoldMerchant · 02/01/2025 07:57

I don't think it's too much to expect close relatives eg mum, sister, mother in law to say something like "would it be useful if I ran the hoover round?", "do you need someone to hold the baby while you shower?" or "can I get you any shopping?" if they visit. But it's crazy to expect everyone to do this - for a start, lots of people would be embarrassed at implying that someone's house wasn't clean enough.

I do think the attitude of "you're here only to help me, not to enjoy the baby at all" is weird. It's totally possible to do both.

But this is just pure misogyny and sexism.
Why women are responsible of other woman’s personal choice.
The father could do his part and clean.

And if people who didn’t choose to have a kid have to do it, why not ask men then, the mothers (and fathers) father, brother, father-in-law….

ACatNamedRobin · 02/01/2025 11:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

This indeed! @SneakyLilNameChange

Tahlbias · 02/01/2025 11:58

ttcat37 · 02/01/2025 11:02

You get over yourself. Who are you, the joy police? It’s called boundaries - a very alien concept to so many mumsnetters apparently!
Go and be miserable away from people who feel special and happy around their newborns. Having a baby is a miracle, every single time.

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I've had 2 miracles, but I never expected any visitors to help me. My own sister in law expected everything to be done for her. Sat down to cook, expected my mother in law to do everything and still does. The baby is now 4 months.

WonderingAboutThus · 02/01/2025 11:58

SovietSpy · 02/01/2025 10:38

And as for this particular thread, it seems strange to expect other people to do the cleaning and cooking when the father is at home for a month

just a reminder that 2/3 of men don’t take two weeks or less paternity leave. So there are many new mothers at home without their partner there.

obviously if you have a selfish layout partner then no, other people shouldn’t be cooking and cleaning while they chill out. But a lot of men simply won’t be home. And those that are might be sleep deprived from helping with night feeds. They might be picking up all the other chores. Doesn’t mean a parent can’t pop round and offer to make a meal or drop some shopping off. But apparently that’s entitled behaviour enabled by social media according MN,

Edited

On the other hand, if 2/3rds of families think they cope fine without the father taking paternity leave, then all the more indication I should not need to do their hovering for them...

CamelByCamel · 02/01/2025 11:55

Shakeyourbaublesandsmile · 02/01/2025 11:50

By that reasoning neither are you in a position to call out my being wrong…ffs

Lofty proclamations?….seriously

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Nope. I'm criticising you for something I've not done.

And yes, telling someone you don't know that they can't have a condition you clearly know nothing about, on the basis of a very limited understanding, is absolutely a lofty proclamation. The arrogance.

Mary46 · 02/01/2025 11:54

Maybe thats a cultural thing op. We just had to cope!! Zero help. It was hard after stitches. I remember my friend coming from work she hadnt ate there is def an expectation to be back on your feet. My friends are run after grandkids now as my husb pointed out most us just manage!

Chillilounger · 02/01/2025 11:53

I always leave it a few weeks before visiting anyone with a newborn and always take a few days worth of home cooked meals with me and do a few jobs when I get there.

Emeraldiisland · 02/01/2025 11:53

My husband had a week off with our first and then my mum stayed for two weeks so I was very supported in the early days. With our second DH had two weeks off and then I had my mum stay again.
I can honestly say with the exception of my mum no one helped. DHs family (except MIL and FIL) were really bad. Expected to be waited on hand and foot, demanding snacks, letting their kids run wild in the house. I kept visits from those people very short.
So I did have help but certainly not a village.

lifeonmars100 · 02/01/2025 11:53

I have often taken a bag of groceries around for the parents of a new baby and this has always been well received. I do a short visit because I know how tiring and overwhelming those early days are. Wouldn't offer to run the hoover over or wash up though.

Frowningprovidence · 02/01/2025 11:50

Mountainpika · 02/01/2025 11:01

When our first son was born in 1975 my husband had a couple of days off work. I wasn't working outside the home. No parental leave back then. No relatives nearby and at that time didn't know many people locally. A couple of visits from the local nurse and that was it. I got on with it. Same when second son arrived three years later. One income was enough to live on without frills and fancies. We were happy. Both boys are doing well in their chosen spheres. Things have changed a lot since then!

Can I ask how long you stayed in hospital, as there seems a huge amount of variation in the 70s. My MIL was in for 10 days with her first, nothing wrong that was just how it was in that hospital. My mum was in for 4 days.

I went home on the same day I gave birth to my first.

But then my nan gave birth to her first at home so didn't even see a hospital (pre nhs!)

All very different experiences.