To think new mums are sometimes misled with the amount of ‘help’ to expect

@MooseBreath I was specifically talking about this situation where two parents are at home for 4 weeks.

Baby arrived early and it was planned.

Good for you, not everyone needs to be a martyr though.

You hosted dinner parties, by yourself with a newborn? Why?

Resilience is lacking rhese days in some areas, and social media tends to encourage self-indulgence in my opinion. When I had my DC, DH had no paternity leave, he's self employed, so I just got on with it. I went shopping, registered their births, hosted dinner parties, cooked daily. It wasn't that hard, we need more of that keep calm and carry on spirit these days.

Prior to having my DC I also had a miscarriage, the day after it happened we had a Christmas party at our house planned for 20 people, we couldn't cancel, so just went ahead and didn't mention it.

Agreed. I got zero help. Actually less than zero, as we were expected to serve, feed and wait on all the grandparents 😖
However, some of my friends received TONS of help, and still do a decade on.

We lost the village because there are no villagers.

It's not that they can't manage. They can. But depending on the baby (mine was a colicky, non-sleeping ball of fury), both parents are massively sleep-deprived, living off ready meals, overwhelmed, and in sensory overload. Family and friends stepping in to provide the odd home-cooked meal, washing up, or taking the baby for a walk for an hour to allow the parents to sleep without hearing screaming keeps those "managing" new parents sane.

Besides, paternity leave is often less than four weeks. Not long after the baby is born, the father (however hands-on) will be back at work full time plus commute plus the need to sleep at set times, leaving the new mum to cope on her own most of the time.

My mum came down for 3wks, but it was extra work having a guest staying. Maybe if family are local, and have the time they can help out but many MIL’s especially are probably worried about over stepping, and probably rightly so given the posts I see on here. Mine are grown up now, or nearly, and I don’t look back fondly on those early days. It was tough.

Thinking further about this I do think that currently generally people are very self focused.

And that having a child is such a horrendous shock to the system.

Whereas only a few generations ago older girls would have raised the younger children and done the heavy lifting of cooking and very hard Work domestic chores.

Whereas the current public narrative is self care, prioritise yourself, do what makes you happy.

And then someone has a baby and it's a massive shock.

It's why subsequent further children aren't such a shock

I understand eating home cooked meals is nicer. But lots of people who struggle in lots of ways including health and disability eat all or mainly ready meals.
I see eating nice home cooked meals as a nice thing, rather than an essential.

I would agree. I also batch cooked in prep for baby 1. With baby 2 I had bag PG pain and couldn't stand to batch cook. I so wished there was someone to give my first born some attention but everyone else has busy lives and gps are quite elderly. We sort of just lived on easy meals for the first month until I could get back to cooking

@PeppyGreenFinch I agree. I am happy to help people, but not to replace what the father should be doing. And I honestly do not see why two people not at work for 4 weeks can not manage one baby.

I think many people expect the wider family to step in rather than for the actual father of the baby to step up.

Well having DC is one of the moments in life where you know who your real friends are.

The other one is divorce.

I've gone through both. Ever decreasing circles I'm afraid! At least I know where I stand.

I do wonder why two adults can not manage a new born baby without outside help

Being overseas from family and their interference is the best place to be, it forces you to cope with only husband available for help. Our eldest was 5 or 6 weeks when we brought her to UK to see family at which stage everything was running smoothly and we were able to say, particularly my mother, Yes you are entitled to your opinion but we're entitled to ignore it!

I think it's a great help. I remember my maternal grandparents staying for a few weeks after my younger sister and brother were born (and apparently when other sister and I were born too, but obviously I don't remember those). My Mum stayed with us for a fortnight or so after each of mine, not my Dad, but that would have been too crowded in a small London flat, and unlike my Grandad, he wasn't retired. My parents haven't ever done regular childcare, but they have taken both my sons on short trips abroad, to stuff in London and the UK, played chess/cricket/cards/etc

I think your friend is being a bit ridiculous. Just a generation ago a man taking a week was unheard of, and she had a month with a hands on guy not working (and presumably still hands on ish when he was back at work) - lucky lady.
And these days people don't cook meals for families of new borns, although vouchers for Cook seem to be the thing where I work and in my family.

Mum, sister and mother in law??? Because that's women's work?

I don't think pointing out that it isn't an technically "illness" is helpful. In fact, it's probably part of the problem. If you didn't struggle, that's great, but don't minimise childbirth - it's an enormous medical event, even for the most textbook delivery. It doesn't need to be measured against other things.

This isn’t a comment on that poster’s situation , I have no idea whether she has diagnosable PTSD or not and it is not my place to judge. I have noticed it is one of those diagnoses that people do self diagnose though. It does make me wonder if it’s then not believed as much when you are badly suffering with it and people just think “oh it’s only PTSD”.’

It is not just about a perceived traumatic event, you have to experience a number of symptoms from a specific set of criteria too.

The criteria is much more specific than some people on here have made out - have been exposed to a traumatic event or situation (either short or long-lasting) of exceptionally threatening or catastrophic nature, which would be likely to cause pervasive distress in almost anyone.

The Covid pandemic was very difficult for a huge number of people. I am aware a number of health care professionals did develop PTSD as did some families/individuals who watched loved ones become critically ill or die over video call and not being able to be with them. So, I want to recognise that I am sure there was a vast increase in people suffering diagnosed PTSD as a direct result of what occurred.

From the guidance - Any situation that a person finds traumatic can cause PTSD

I can absolutely understand how raising a baby during a global pandemic could be traumatic and therefore could cause PTSD. Is that the case with the poster who thought she has it? Who knows. But it's possible

Smetimes even if you donhave a village, events can mean that you can't access them.nAfter childbirth I ended up in HDU and my baby was in NICU. Additionally I had lost a brother to herpes when he was a baby. I was so anxious that my rule was that nobody touched my baby apart from me and my partner. Also, I was such a mess physically and mentally that I isolated myself completely for the first 6 months.I wouldn't go to baby groups because I was worried about germ ridden toys, I was worried about visitors because of germs.
I know that lots of women went through worse though, particularly during lockdown, so I never complained. Looking back, I had raging PND, but I never told anyone at the time or sought help. I felt ashamed of my failure to protect DS during the birth, not helped by the fact that I was told by many HCPs that it was a miracle that DS and I survived the birth. I had no shortage of people who would have helped, I just couldn't let them.

People do not offer to bring you food if you are not well. Especially if your partner is around at home to help.