To think new mums are sometimes misled with the amount of ‘help’ to expect

I think this kind of support is v rare and also judging by mumsnet many people wouldn't like it. I think the modern narrative of birth is that you go home and shut your doors and are rather grudging with letting people in. My mum helped with my second and it was brilliant but I was very much left to it with my first and it was exhausting.

Absolutely 💯

Two adults to one baby is a perfectly fine ratio, I wouldn't expect them to need practical help unless there were extenuating circumstances like (physical or mental) health issues.

Our first had silent reflux and I had an EMCS, we both really struggled with the adjustment but we didn't need anyone to cook us dinner, we needed reflux meds and a magic wand.

I'm a big believer in the village, but that doesn't mean anyone doing my laundry.

She has a v supportive partner who had 4 weeks off and did at least his fair share and then some but she meant friends and family really

That’s the crux of why she didn’t have people falling over themselves. If I knew a single parent who had just given birth, or say someone who had a DH off in defence forces in a far flung place, or stuck in their job on an outpost in the South Pole, I would ask what I could do to help. But, if I saw someone with a DH there I’d think it was his ‘job’, especially if he was home for 4 weeks!! Why would I be whizzing a vac around for him to stand and watch?

Was she having a dig at you when she said this OP? Did she think you should’ve done more? Did she do it for you when you had your baby?

Exactly this!

I do think that some mums don't really help themselves by feeling the need to put on a facade of 'having it all' mainly to impress others. The minute my first child arrived I decided I didn't have time to iron anymore and gradually other things slipped. I've worked full time since having both DC and yes it's tough but I don't kid myself that my house needs to be immaculate or I need to leave the house looking glamorous every day. DH supports well too. I have friends with similar aged kids who work themselves into a tizz about the cleanliness of their house and things which are a choice rather than a necessity. Again social media drives this fake reality.

Because some births are traumatic. Some births result in injuries. Some babies don't sleep. Some babies have colic. Some babies struggle to feed. Some women develop PND. Some women don't have supportive partners. Some women whose partner was supportive stops being able to be supportive. Some women have other children to deal with.

I am not pathetic. I had a colicky baby during Covid, PND, and a traumatic birth that has left my body forever changed. I couldn't keep on top of everyday tasks.

There may not have been paternity leave when you had your children, but I'm certain empathy existed; a concept with which you appear to be unfamiliar.

Both of my grandmothers, born 1910 and 1917, worked out of the home their entire lives.

As to "even the baby's dad didn't help," well, who picked him? Don't blame the rest of us if one chooses an arsehole to sire one's offspring.

My DP would have been absolutely confused at anyone turning up with food, as the kitchen is firmly his domain, and went on (simplified but) uninterrupted by the birth of our kids.

How many household tasks are there that can't wait three or four weeks?

But I do think for lots of women it's a shock that the attention shifts from them, the pregnant person as the most vulnerable/in need one, to the baby as the one to be looked after.

My mum was very good at (emotionally) supporting me as well as the baby. And... so was my dad.

So few expectations on male family members and friends on this thread.

So sorry to the PP with PTSD during COVID, that sounds horrendous. Of course you were in terror. <3

There are two adults there and one baby. Unless the baby has additional medical needs it's a shock to the system undoubtedly but surely manageable?

I think some of the 'people did this in the past' also omits that the woman had four other kids to care for, husband required tea on the table and she had no access to an online grocery shop or even supermarket.

I really feel for new mothers today. Between things like this and a birth plan that makes you believe you can play whale music and really have a choice in how nature goes, it sets people up for disappointment. There are also many more rules like never leave a sleeping child (based on very little evidence) which make it much harder.

It's nice dad's get a bit more time off but again, I don't know if it helps longer term. I found getting into my own routine actually made it easier. If I'd become used to extra help oddly I think I'd have struggled more then having to adapt again.

Your friend needs other mums with new babies. It's why baby groups etc exist. They are not really for the baby, just a way to meet people at the same stage when it's all consuming.

^ this!

Not really sure what help you need with just one baby mind assuming the Dad is around and on paternity leave.

I did find people more helpful the second time but their help was focused on my two year old. My closest friend took her to the park and offered to get her lunch out. One very kind friend whisked her off to soft play and brought her back a few hours later having had her dinner. DH had gone back to work after two days and I'm still grateful to that lovely friend more than a decade on.

I've tried to offer similar help to other new mums including ironing all the school uniform on a Sunday when my friend had her third.

I think you get more practical in this way and better at offering as your own family grows.

I agree and I don't think it's social media led at all, all my family said all these nice things they were going to do, make meals etc, none of it happened. We had a colic baby so didn't have much time to think about it at the time just muddled through.

Having a baby is hard work, a huge life change but I think it's glamourised a little on social media, probably by those who can afford help, or who have friends and family who aren't working and can help.

I also think people want it both ways, extended time alone with baby and no visitors, but then expect visitors to help and care for the adults.

To me it's all over thinking and when you set high expectations they often fall apart.

I think she’s been misled by sm but people saying it was easier before- I don’t think women had more time in the past to help- they had less modern conveniences- my mum wouldn’t have had a washing machine or tumble dryer, no dishwasher until late 80s or 90s. And community was a thing in certain places but not rural or if you weren’t in the right eatate!

Actually empathic ppl do this before they have a kid. They really do.

I’m ‘snotty’ and that’s what I did. Lots of others do. It’s really really normal to help out friends and family who are having a stressful event like a baby or illness, even when you haven’t experienced it yourself. If you’ve no experience you often need to ask which of the things you can offer is best. But you still offer.

It’s only on MN that I hear that childless ppl have zero idea about anything other than themselves. It hasn’t been my experience and wasn’t who I was when I was childless. They’re describing selfish people, not childless people.

Just tell your friend that this is normal. It’s normal not to have people queuing up to cook and clean for you; it’s normal to have to only focus on the basics when baby is very young; it’s normal for it to be a complete culture shock.

However, again, this is a societal change that has largely affected women and children - both parents working. It’s all ‘noses to the grindstone’ for everyone nowadays, and we’ve all suffered in various ways. Society should be better set up.

Yeah I do think a lot of this is pretty sexist and boils down to the idea that other women need to do domestic labour so that a man isn't inconvenienced

My Mum didn't have a village older sibling (first child) born late 70s, in fact she always tells me how for the birth she let my Dad know and it seemed like an eternity for him to turn up at the hospital, he nearly missed the birth of my brother. Following the birth they went via Mother Care and bought a moses basket and more clothes. My Granny arrived two days later but only stayed for a couple of days and that was it. On my own case my Mum was around but had to stay with us as she lives quite far away, she stayed one night when I returned with DS and then it was my DH and I. MIL was local and not a hands on person and as much as she loved him, left us to it. I don't think it was the end of the world in some ways as our reality was the two of us with one returning to work after 2 weeks. However, my MIL kept offering her advice on sticking with the breast feeding and although I did, didn't seem to have any words of wisdom on when that improved as it was painful at first.

Your amazing grandad brings a tear to my eye. What a lovely man!

I agree. Its one thing to ask your mum/dad to help you with cleaning/laundry but when my friends popped round with gifts I would have felt like a total arse saying "oh thanks- can you hoover my lounge and go through my dirty laundry and put it in the machine?".

I also agree with a PP- did the OP also do this for others?

I keep seeing posts talking about how there would have been more support available in "the days when women didn't work" which is a huge generalisation. Working class women have always worked outside the home.

My 90 year old GM worked two jobs when her children were young. The youngest kids had to go with her during the day to pick fruit or clean houses (while the others were at school) and then once they were all in bed and my GF was home she'd go off to her second job. She also had her elderly DM living with her. I very much doubt she had time to be part of anyone's "village". There was no such thing as paternity leave and no expectation of fathers sharing the childcare/domestic load. She wouldn't have had access to convenience foods, disposable nappies or a washing machine either.

Everyone talks about how hard modern parenting is but I think our expectations are what makes it so hard tbh. Social media has a lot to answer for.

I have taken meals to the last 4 new babies I've visited parents (all friends) and they were very gratefully received. I also asked if they needed anything done in the house (which they all said no to I think our pride stops us from saying yes maybe only to say mums or sisters) I also checked if they needed anything, a drink or whatever before I left especially for those breastfeeding you get a bit stuck on the sofa so can't always get yourself something.

I done feel that was enough really, but I will ALWAYS at a bare minimum take a meal or 2 when I visit new parents. When we had our babies a couple of people done this and honestly it was the best just being able to shove an easy tea into the freezer one night.

I agree though I had my eldest at a time where there was more of a village and I've really missed it with my younger two I feel incredibly let down and isolated but I don't blame my friends/family it's society and like pps have said people just do not have the time evweyone is so busy and spread so thin these days. It's a real shame. I do think it impacts mother's mental health.

I got no help whatsoever from family or established friends but from my nct group we all visited each other and brought cakes/ biscuits etc. That was really nice and I can't recommend joining baby groups enough.
I have a friend who is due soon and is in a difficult situation. Partner that won't do anything at all etc so when I go to see her/ the baby I'll take a meal but probably a fancy pre made one from m and s rather than making the time to home cook for her as I already work full time/ run my own business etc.
With my sons I would offer to help and mean it. If they/ their partners don't want me there initially I would accept that but when invited I would take food and ask them what I could do to help. I would mention this before the baby was born so they didn't just think I was saying their houses were a tip. I found it hurtful that I got no family support so I would never want my sons to feel that way. I don't just mean my family didn't load the dishwasher it was much worse than that and my mum caused a lot of issues and then sulked and didn't speak to me for several months when I had a new baby because she didn't like not being the centre of attention.

I don’t think it’s a case of being misled. I think it’s more a case of reading a book, and believing that all families instantly turn into a fairytale type of family that come and clean your house and look after baby for you.
If they weren’t that type of family before, they’re not going to magically transform after.
Are people really having babies believing they aren’t solely responsible now??

It’s just another very entitled viewpoint from new mums today I think. Did your friend go off and do the same for other people when they had a baby? I’m guessing not. People come to visit to see your baby. Not take on the role of mum and let mum shirk her responsibilities.
Just don’t have a baby if you’re not prepared for the work entailed.

When I had my DC nearly 20 years ago, I thought I was incredibly lucky that my mum would come and stay once a week, for the first few weeks, get up with my DC in the morning to let me have a lie in and be on hand if he woke in the night. The reality was though, that I would get up anyway. I wanted to be up with my baby. So it ended up just being lovely bonding time for my mum. I got housework done while she spent time cuddling and gazing adoringly at my DS 🤣