Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

Well her mother's funeral sure as hell isn't about her Mil!

What an obnoxious post

Surely the 'done thing' is to respect the wishes of the deceased person (if they had made things known before they died) and the immediate grieving family.

Op, I'm with you. This 'big turnout' lark strikes me as comforting only to some & complete anathema to others. If you wish to keep this small and immediate family only, that is your family's perogative and it is for everyone else to support you by following your wishes.

OP, I'm sorry for your loss but I think you're being very rude towards your MIL. Catholics don't go to funerals to "gawk" or "spectate" as you are saying. It's about paying respect and supporting family. My grandmother passed away recently, not many relatives her side left, and it brought so much comfort that the church was full of friends of neighbours, Co-workers of family etc. she was a wonderful lady and it was fitting that many were there to hear lovely things said. They don't hang round long. It was nice to get hugs and hear general well wishes from people.

Have you heard yourself?! Op is grieving for her mum. Have some compassion and get off your high horse.

OMG

I realise that funerals in churches/crematoriums are officially public events, and if people are so crass as to go despite being requested not to, then they can't be stopped. The wake afterwards is private though, the trouble is, people often put the venue at the bottom of the funeral service leaflet so everyone knows where it is anyway. If someone knows you want a small, private funeral, but thrust their presence upon you anyway under the guise of "showing respect", I would argue that they are in fact showing the opposite of respect by flouting your wishes and those of the deceased.

About the videoing though OP, I get the impression that this was more a thing during the pandemic when funeral attendance numbers were so restricted. Mum died right at the beginning before funeral directors and crematoriums had got used to the idea and I was videoed struggling with Dad's wheelchair and going into and out of the chapel. Someone even panned round all the mourners inside the chapel. Later on, I was sent a video by someone whose wife had died and I had known her very well, he wanted me to see the video and it was much more tastefully done, from high up at the back of the chapel, so you could only see the back of people's heads unless they were speaking, you didn't see them going in or out. I think also after a certain amount of time the video was inaccessible and you couldn't download it, I still don't like the idea of videos, but this was far better than what happened at my mother's funeral. I have even known of people doing a group photo in the graveyard after the service - so fucking tacky.

Absolutely! This is your Mum, and only you get to say who can come to the funeral (or other siblings of you have them)
It's very rude and insensitive of your MiL (and DH) to insist on being there when you've said no.

I completely agree with you. Your mil shouldn't be there, your husband needs to be there to support you. People grieve in different ways and your mil should respect that.

Many, many people don't op. You are not alone here. I've never heard a funeral beng called a community event in my life.

They are obviously an incredibly sad service for family to deal with as they wish.

It is all about the deceased and the op.

Their wishes are the most important.

OP can tell her MIL that she is not invited. If she shows up regardless, she is a horrible person.

OP wants the funeral to be about her lovely mum and the people she loved and who loved her. That doesn't include OP's MIL who OP's mum actually disliked.

Half the people on this thread are saying that OP's MIL and her DH's feelings should take priority over OP's and her deceased mum's feelings. That is absolutely crazy.

@Demodog

I'll try not to patronise you in future, sorry if you feel I over explain.

I don't think that consideration of family rift is ever irrelevant when someone asks if they are being unreasonable in the context of a family problem. I think the potential to cause a family rift by offending her husbands mother is the big issue here.

We can all see why she doesn't want this woman at the funeral, and that in itself is not unreasonable. The question as I see it is, is it such a breach of social convention to exclude this woman that it has the potential to cause longer term problems for the OP.

I understand people saying this is about personal grief, but when dealing with familial relationships like a mother in law you dislike, and when dealing with problems like who gets invited to a family funeral, you do largely follow social convention. When you don't , sometimes there are bad repercussions.

Whether this is one of those instances is something only OP can tell because it depends on the family. Certainly I think it would be unwise not to consider the possibility of what might happen next.

Your dh's wants do not trump your comfort. This is your mums funeral, would she have wanted your MIL there? I don't go for the 'community' bit, who wants to have their grief on show around people who don't know or care for you or your mum.

Ask MIL to light a candle at the time of the funeral instead. We didn't have anyone other than immediate family for my mums funeral, no one caused a fuss they respected our wishes which were also mums wishes.

It doesn't matter what anyone on here says you do what you feel is right.

My parents value a "good turnout " above all else when it comes to a funeral. It really is about the spectacle for them. People standing at the back, outside, is a talking point for them. The immediate family's wishes doesn't occur to them. My dad in particular will go to the funeral of every single person he has ever known, worked with etc.
I have colleagues who will go to any funeral of a colleague's family member, again, no question about whether that colleague is comfortable grieving in front of a huge crowd.

I am sorry so many people are being to horrid to you. I was bought up Catholic, and I agree with you that your MiL should not be there.

To b e fair during lockdown lots of events like weddings and funerals where live streamed and that seemed like a good thing at the time.

It's a church (or crematorium) - you can't ban people.

You are making this all about you, and her.

Just let her come.

Mum asked me not to tell any of her ex work colleagues until after the funeral. She wants her own children, siblings, nieces and nephews, grandchildren and a select group of dearly loved friends. That’s it. No drama

Given this, for anyone who does ask I would be saying 'Mum wanted a very small, private funeral so that's what we're doing. If you wanted to remember her individually on the day, of course you can and say a prayer / light a candle / make a donation to charity'.

I am surprised that so many posters are telling someone whose mother has died that they have to minimise their own feelings and do something they don't want to keep their MIL happy. OP obviously gets priority here. Can't help feeling that if the genders were reversed, and OP wanted her mum to attend her MIL's funeral but her DH didn't, she'd be told to give way and the grieving son's feelings were paramount. 🤔

Yes I find the whole video link thing really inappropriate.

Close family and friends attend, those who can't shouldn't then get to watch at home with a coffee and a biscuit. If we are talking about respects then that is surely disrespectful.