Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being paranoid or what should I do?

30 replies

ellie09 · 01/01/2025 22:33

I think I already posted before about my fiance and some doubts I had on what I had seen on his phone (whilst shoulder surfing).

Basically, I like to think we are honest and transparent with one another. We both have friends of the opposite gender etc and we regularly talk about them etc.

Back in October, I saw on his phone that he was messaging a girl with a name I hadn't heard of before on IG. Before jumping to conclusions, I searched her name on his other friends lists on his SM but they weren't friends on anything else.

I became suspicious at the time, but put it back of my head as he does have a lot of gaming friends etc.

Fast forward to tonight, I am lying om his side watching TV. He's on IG again and this girl is back at the top of his IG messages. He is chatting back and forth, but I cant see whats being said as I am at a weird angle. I move, and suddenly he exits the app. He opens it again, so I ask him who that person is, and he says "its people wishing me a happy new year".

I dont know what other SM platform he switched to at some point in the night but I recognised her profile picture again before he quickly switched it off.

I didnt know how else to procesd without coming across accusational, so I let it go.

He was coming to mine for dinner today, and he has his dinner and leaves pretty soon afterwards. I tried having a discussion with him on the wedding planning but he told me to hold off booking anything else "for 2-3 months".

He seems a bit off with me the past couple of days.

I have been cheated on before, and I found out through messages etc, so I dont know if I am being super paranoid or if there is something here amiss.

Am I being unreasonable and being too paranoid about this situation?

If i am not, what do I do next to approach this?

Note: he is very tech savvy so phones are locked well, he stores all his passwords on an app that are random generated etc, so I dont have access to these myself.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
coldcallerbaiter · 06/01/2025 21:00

He shows you or you call off the relationship. I am not normally a LTB type, but I would for this. He is trying to get with her for a while and keep you as his main. Unless she is great and then he would leave you for her. It is what it looks like.

toomuchfaff · 06/01/2025 20:52

ellie09 · 06/01/2025 11:51

Just as an update

It did turn into a full blown argument, and I really wasnt too happy.

The argument lasted around 3 hours back and forth and in that time I still wasnt shown the contents of the messages sent.

He claims he cant because she confided in him about "personal stuff" that was dark, and later elaborated that it was apparently an assault of her child years earlier. Even after telling me this, he still wouldn't show the messages, even though I was told?

I told him it wasnt good enough. He then proceeds to block her and unfollow her. Then says I have trust issues and should trust what he is telling me.

Has told me I should respect the fact he values his friends' privacy. And that he would expect me to do so for mine as well.

Its been really quite bad, and I had told him I needed a while to think and collect myself - that I just needed him to stay away for now (he was calling non stop, messaging etc)

You don't realise this is utter horse shit don't you. Just to be clear.

Utter horse shit.

He then proceeds to block her and unfollow her.
Ofcourse he did, in the hopes you then can't find her.

Then says I have trust issues and should trust what he is telling me.
Gaslighting at its finest.

Has told me I should respect the fact he values his friends' privacy.
Thought it's was just some bird on a dating site he never profmgressed with? Now they besties all of a sudden?
And that he would expect me to do so for mine as well.
Gaslighting.

Bin!

Or as the dragons would say - I'm out.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 06/01/2025 13:03

You know what's going on, OP. He's starting a relationship with this woman and is lying to you about it. Why on earth would some random woman confide in him about her child being sexually assaulted? She's have to be insane to confide in a stranger about that.

It's so important to be able to trust the person you marry - without that, the relationship is worthless. This man is lying to you and telling you to hold fire on wedding plans. He's currently weighing up what to do regarding you and the other woman.

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction, tbh. I'd dump him now.

pimplebum · 06/01/2025 12:50

… also why did he respond to some random girl he has never dated ? When she “reached out”. ( I believed HE did the reaching )
why didn’t he just block ? Ignore ? He owes her nothing

if they had slept together or dated it would be gentlemanly to text “ nice to hear from you hope you are well ? but I’m off the dating market now I’m getting married , best wishes , Dave”

unless he gives you full access to his phone , a full and complete access of ALL their calls , photos , Snapchat WhatsApp then you have evidence he is a cheater ( I bet you he’s sent knob shots )

really sorry you are dealing with this you deserve better

pimplebum · 06/01/2025 12:37

Wow he came up with a really emotive lie didn’t he ! Child abuse wow!

what absolute bollocks !

even if there is some truth and she has confided stuff to him, that in itself is an intimacy , you only have secrets and confidences with very special people , close private relationships so it’s still inappropriate, a sister / mum maybe … random from instagram that you have not met , NO!

also I do not keep any secrets from my wife and I would not promise to keep any from her

I would be very pissed off if my wife was keeping people’s secrets as that is crossing a line

bin him
he’s not that into you

Original poster
ellie09 · 06/01/2025 11:51

Just as an update

It did turn into a full blown argument, and I really wasnt too happy.

The argument lasted around 3 hours back and forth and in that time I still wasnt shown the contents of the messages sent.

He claims he cant because she confided in him about "personal stuff" that was dark, and later elaborated that it was apparently an assault of her child years earlier. Even after telling me this, he still wouldn't show the messages, even though I was told?

I told him it wasnt good enough. He then proceeds to block her and unfollow her. Then says I have trust issues and should trust what he is telling me.

Has told me I should respect the fact he values his friends' privacy. And that he would expect me to do so for mine as well.

Its been really quite bad, and I had told him I needed a while to think and collect myself - that I just needed him to stay away for now (he was calling non stop, messaging etc)

OP posts:
MrTiddlesTheCat · 02/01/2025 12:36

I'm so sorry OP but it's clear he's putting you on the back burner while he explores this other relationship.

DaisyChain505 · 02/01/2025 12:25

ellie09 · 01/01/2025 23:51

Ive asked him.

He says it's a girl he met on some dating site ages ago, she reached out, he doesnt know why, but they never dated and she knows he's engaged etc.

Keeps saying "I would never do anything to you" etc.

Ive told him to come and show me their messages if he has nothing to hide.

Jesus. This is beyond disrespectful.

Oreyt · 02/01/2025 10:43

What does he say to this -

Ive told him to come and show me their messages if he has nothing to hide.

He needs to hand the phone over while they're chatting not days later once evidence is gone.

If she's some random and not a friend who means anything to him that's even worse.

He needs to block her if that's the case.

Oreyt · 02/01/2025 10:37

I've never been sat next dh to be able to read anything over his shoulder never mind a full name.

That's not some casual glancing.

GreyCarpet · 02/01/2025 09:18

OurDreamLife · 01/01/2025 23:16

He’s putting you on hold because she’s got his attention. Get rid.

Simplest explanation is usually the correct one.

This is too important to ignore if you're planning on marrying him.

toomuchfaff · 02/01/2025 09:06

pimplebum · 01/01/2025 23:32

Why are you so worried about about sounding accusatory??? He’s cheating and you’re worried about how you come across??

next time you see him grab his phone and say you need to read all the messages between him and this girl now no delays
if he immediately let you read them and they are 💯 innocent and all about gaming then marry the guy
if he won’t show you the messages dump him on the spot
it simple not complex
please stop this meek bullshit you are planning hitching your whole life to him, chatting to other woman for banter flirting is cheating

This.
Keeps saying "I would never do anything to you" etc.

Ive told him to come and show me their messages if he has nothing to hide.

Right, this gets sorted here and now, you give me her name and ill ask her if there's anything going on and she can back up that she knows youre engaged vs single, or we call it quits and walk away. After all, if she just a friend, then she won't mind, we can all be friends?

If he has any apprehension about you and her having direct contact then don't argue, don't accuse, don't get drawn into an argument. Just quit, "I'm done, we're done, I'm out". If he cannot appreciate that you have concerns, and want to alleviate those concerns, then he's not the man you want to marry.

Original poster
ellie09 · 01/01/2025 23:51

Ive asked him.

He says it's a girl he met on some dating site ages ago, she reached out, he doesnt know why, but they never dated and she knows he's engaged etc.

Keeps saying "I would never do anything to you" etc.

Ive told him to come and show me their messages if he has nothing to hide.

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 01/01/2025 23:34

Never marry a man you don't trust.
I'm sorry this has happened, but I would end it now.
He's hooking up with someone else.

pimplebum · 01/01/2025 23:32

Why are you so worried about about sounding accusatory??? He’s cheating and you’re worried about how you come across??

next time you see him grab his phone and say you need to read all the messages between him and this girl now no delays
if he immediately let you read them and they are 💯 innocent and all about gaming then marry the guy
if he won’t show you the messages dump him on the spot
it simple not complex
please stop this meek bullshit you are planning hitching your whole life to him, chatting to other woman for banter flirting is cheating

JMSA · 01/01/2025 23:32

OurDreamLife · 01/01/2025 23:16

He’s putting you on hold because she’s got his attention. Get rid.

Exactly right.

JMSA · 01/01/2025 23:32

Please don't marry this guy and ditch him. If you don't have trust then there's no point.
Sorry Flowers

Endofyear · 01/01/2025 23:30

I think you have to trust your gut. If you feel uneasy about this, it's reasonable to ask him who she is and how he knows her. If he's got nothing to hide and she's just a gaming friend, he won't mind showing you their messages. If he's angry and defensive, I'd be more suspicious. It does sound like he is backing off from wedding plans - you need to have a frank conversation with him. Much better that he admits it now if he's having second thoughts.

oreo2024 · 01/01/2025 23:24

All I can say, if something seems off, it is off. I couldn't put a finger on my ex boyfriend, but something really bothered me. I checked his phone and voila - more cheating evidence than I could ever think of.
Trust your gut feeling. I wish I trusted mine and didn't waste so many years with him.

LuluBlakey1 · 01/01/2025 23:22

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 01/01/2025 23:19

Do not marry him. He is showing you who he is. This will not end well. You should be able to lean over and say 'oh who is she?' Without any concern or fear of reprisals/lies.

^^ This .

roxyro · 01/01/2025 23:21

Sorry to say this but it’s classic pulling back, someone else has his attention. Only you know how to proceed but trust your intuition. Mine tells me he is up to no good.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 01/01/2025 23:19

Do not marry him. He is showing you who he is. This will not end well. You should be able to lean over and say 'oh who is she?' Without any concern or fear of reprisals/lies.

Forgottobuymincepies · 01/01/2025 23:18

He wants a bit of fun before he books the wedding.. He is a twat.

NordicwithTeen · 01/01/2025 23:17

All I can go on is my own experience and yes, when an ex was chatting to someone constantly on IG they hooked up. You need to discuss this with him.

vodkaredbullgirl · 01/01/2025 23:17

He won't change.