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Original poster

Great relationship with SIL but SIL hates my mum

144 replies

pnakolada · 01/01/2025 21:03

Is anyone in this position ?

It's very tricky for me and I have always remained impartial. Listened to both sides if they wanted to talk about it. Always had a good words of peace to say when they've complained about each other..

I've always told my mum straight up when I think she's being out of order or mean to SIL. I've never told SIL when I think she's being mean to my mum though as I think it will ruin our relationship.

I get on very very well with SIL and always have.

But lately, some of the things I'm hearing from my mum about how SIL is treating her.. I am feeling very upset for my mum.

I'll never talk to SIL about it as it won't be good for our relationship. I'm just finding it hard..

Has anyone been in this kind of situation? Any advice ?

OP posts:
Original poster
pnakolada · 01/01/2025 22:39

Endofyear · 01/01/2025 22:37

You're not being impartial and you are taking sides - you don't mind telling your mum that she's in the wrong but you won't tell SIL because you don't want to upset her. That's not remaining neutral. I would stand up for my mum no matter who it was having a go about her, why wouldn't you?

It's not as black and white as that at all in our situation.

Brother and SIL have a point, sadly. I wish they didn't.

OP posts:
Roundthetwisties · 01/01/2025 22:38

pnakolada · 01/01/2025 22:36

@Roundthetwisties but I get to control how I feel about it.

Sure, but keep those feelings to yourself (or on MN). Don’t try to use these feelings to guilt SIL or Bro into resuming contact.

Endofyear · 01/01/2025 22:37

You're not being impartial and you are taking sides - you don't mind telling your mum that she's in the wrong but you won't tell SIL because you don't want to upset her. That's not remaining neutral. I would stand up for my mum no matter who it was having a go about her, why wouldn't you?

OverthinkingOlive · 01/01/2025 22:37

DottieMoon · 01/01/2025 21:29

You’ve got your priorities very wrong and sound like an awful daughter. I feel sorry for your Mum.

This. I'd back my Mum 10000% against anyone and fuck whoever disagreed with me. It's your Mum?!

Original poster
pnakolada · 01/01/2025 22:36

@Roundthetwisties but I get to control how I feel about it.

OP posts:
Hoardasurass · 01/01/2025 22:36

pnakolada · 01/01/2025 22:04

Abusive father has been cut off already. But my mum is persona non grata because of her association with him. So it's not like my mum won't keep her kids safe from my father or something like that, because contact has been cut anyway. They'd just see my mum on her own. Have been for ages anyway. But the fact that mum remains with my dad and that mum has in the past tolerated her children ( me and bro ) and SIL to be put in an unsafe situation and hasn't taken action, is SIL's bottom line.

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@pnakolada What your complaining about is the fact that your sil and db are correctly blaming your mum for enabling your father putting her (sil) in harms way just as she did with you and your brother (her dh) were when you were children and most likely minimizing what he's done whilst refusing every offer of help to leave him, yet still complaining to them about films abuse.
That's pretty fucked up. Your db and sil are 100% correct and should cut your mum off. Why are you enabling your parents dysfunctional relationship instead of walking away to protect from further harm? Look up FOG and may I suggest getting some therapy.

Roundthetwisties · 01/01/2025 22:35

pnakolada · 01/01/2025 22:13

But does she have to cut off my mum completely ? I don't know if that's the right way to go about it.

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Whether it is right or wrong is irrelevant. This is what your brother and SIL have decided for their family - you can control whether you stay in contact, you don’t get to control whether others do so.

BeTaupeBear · 01/01/2025 22:35

pnakolada · 01/01/2025 22:28

I do not think my mum is a bad mum at all, no.

My brother thinks she is / was. He also thinks she's a bad granny. Which I also completely disagree with.

When I do disagree he just says I don't know her the way he does. That kind of thing.

My mum came from a very abusive home herself. She had no chance. She gave us the best she could and she continues to do so. She's also a great granny and all her grandkids adore her.

She's extremely generous and supportive.

She also has her bad sides. She can be critical and she does think she's better at a lot of stuff than we are ( her kids ). But overall? She's a good person. She's had a tough time.

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You agree she has bad sides - that she’s critical. Your SIL doesn’t love your mum like you do so won’t be as tolerate of this as you, which helps explain why she finds her difficult.
Sounds like your brother feels the same way as her so I wouldn’t frame it as SILs decision re grandchildren but the parents have made a choice- you don’t have to agree with it but you have to respect it.
I think this is a situation you have no control over and I would take one massive step back. I would support your mum and keep friends with your SIL but say that you don’t want to be piggy in the middle and change the topic if it comes up.

Original poster
pnakolada · 01/01/2025 22:34

JulietBravo999 · 01/01/2025 22:32

Is there perhaps something going on or something in the past that your brother knows about and you don’t?

Also, what is your dad doing that makes everyone unsafe? Does your brother have anything to do with him?

I don't think so.

He's just showed very aggressive behaviour.

They don't have any contact with my dad at all.

OP posts:
Cnidarian · 01/01/2025 22:34

pnakolada · 01/01/2025 22:24

@Cnidarian you think it would be reasonable for me to cut my mum off too ?

Yes. It's not your job to fix your Mum, you are her daughter and if you have been exposed to violence and abuse through your life it is OK for you to say no more. I say this with kindness. I don't think you've had your feelings put first by many people in your life, and you've always had to try so hard to make things OK for everyone. It sounds like your brother, SIL and you have put the routes to leaving there for her. There isn't much more you can do. It would be OK to say enough, for you as well as your brother and SIL.

SameSameNo · 01/01/2025 22:33

Your brother might be right or it could be sil victimising him and making the situation worse. I would prioritise supporting mum because she has less support in life by letting her know what yoi appreciate about her, spending time with her, inviting her for things to get away from dad which it sounds like you already do to be frank...
I don't think i'd forgive sil for shouting at and isolating mum, she is misdirecting anger at the victim and alienating your brother and their kids.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 01/01/2025 22:33

pnakolada · 01/01/2025 21:07

Yeah but it's different isn't it. If I say to my mum ' mum, you're being too much. You shouldn't say XYZ to SIL' she's my mum.. she won't fall out with me over it.

If I say to SIL that I think she's been unkind, then it's not as easy to have a good relationship any more. Don't you think ? With your parents it's just different.

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That's @Pandasnacks point, why are you prioritizing a relationship with your SIL if she is truly being mean to your mother?

I guess it depends on what's she is doing but from what you wrote it comes across as SIL is definitely doing the wrong things but you don't want to confront her for fear of affecting you relationship with SIL.

That's not a good enough reason and we're not say you have to go guna blazing to SIL ( well or depends on what she is doing to your mother) but when she brings it up which you said she does you can also say I think you were wrong here or maybe you shouldn't have done this or that.

JulietBravo999 · 01/01/2025 22:32

Is there perhaps something going on or something in the past that your brother knows about and you don’t?

Also, what is your dad doing that makes everyone unsafe? Does your brother have anything to do with him?

Original poster
pnakolada · 01/01/2025 22:28

SameSameNo · 01/01/2025 22:24

It would depend on what your father has actually done and the details which i appreciate you not wanting to share.

Do you actually agree that your mum is a bad mother?

It's up to sil to cut contact but granny should be able to see the grandkids in a safe place maybe with your brother... and sil shouldn't shout at her and educate herself on abused women and why they dont leave. But i dont think its your job to enlighten her.

If sil talks about your mum stop her. Tell her you dont want to go there.
If mum vents about sil, let her do so she is very isolated as is by your father and staying with him.
Your mum needs support.

Edited

I do not think my mum is a bad mum at all, no.

My brother thinks she is / was. He also thinks she's a bad granny. Which I also completely disagree with.

When I do disagree he just says I don't know her the way he does. That kind of thing.

My mum came from a very abusive home herself. She had no chance. She gave us the best she could and she continues to do so. She's also a great granny and all her grandkids adore her.

She's extremely generous and supportive.

She also has her bad sides. She can be critical and she does think she's better at a lot of stuff than we are ( her kids ). But overall? She's a good person. She's had a tough time.

OP posts:
Original poster
pnakolada · 01/01/2025 22:24

@Cnidarian you think it would be reasonable for me to cut my mum off too ?

OP posts:
SameSameNo · 01/01/2025 22:24

It would depend on what your father has actually done and the details which i appreciate you not wanting to share.

Do you actually agree that your mum is a bad mother?

It's up to sil to cut contact but granny should be able to see the grandkids in a safe place maybe with your brother... and sil shouldn't shout at her and educate herself on abused women and why they dont leave. But i dont think its your job to enlighten her.

If sil talks about your mum stop her. Tell her you dont want to go there.
If mum vents about sil, let her do so she is very isolated as is by your father and staying with him.
Your mum needs support.

Original poster
pnakolada · 01/01/2025 22:24

BeTaupeBear · 01/01/2025 22:21

What does your mother say about your SIL to you?

Mum is angry about it and says SIL is unreasonable - who does she think she is ? This is my life.. it's not up to her to decide for me what I should do. That kind of thing.

OP posts:
BeTaupeBear · 01/01/2025 22:21

What does your mother say about your SIL to you?

Saltedcaramelfudge · 01/01/2025 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Cnidarian · 01/01/2025 22:19

pnakolada · 01/01/2025 22:13

But does she have to cut off my mum completely ? I don't know if that's the right way to go about it.

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Cutting her out is reasonable. It would be for you too, if you chose.

whynotwhatknot · 01/01/2025 22:17

sorry for using te wrong term-she isnt wrong though

Original poster
pnakolada · 01/01/2025 22:14

whynotwhatknot · 01/01/2025 22:13

you sai sil was absuve to er how? telling someone they shoul leave isnt abusive

I never said SIL was abusive to my mum.

She did scream at her. She told her she's a bad mother.

And now she's cutting her off as well. Because she's not leaving.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 01/01/2025 22:13

you sai sil was absuve to er how? telling someone they shoul leave isnt abusive

Original poster
pnakolada · 01/01/2025 22:13

GreatTheCat · 01/01/2025 22:08

Don't blame the SIL. She's right.

But does she have to cut off my mum completely ? I don't know if that's the right way to go about it.

OP posts:
Cnidarian · 01/01/2025 22:10

Your SIL and brother have every right to cut this out of their lives. They have tried, and it is far, far too toxic. It is a shame your mum won't leave, but this is a consequence of staying. Your SIL doesn't have to accept it, and she is not being cruel she is protecting her family. Your Mum did not protect you or your brother from your father, she is a victim also and it is hard to leave, but you cannot possibly expect that your SIL would make the choice to expose her children to this having seen how painful it has been for her husband.

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