Partner starts a big conversation, I share my thoughts, he ends it with I don’t want an argument

I think he was asking them to contribute just by opening the conversation in front of his parents.
His behaviour to you was unpleasant and demeaning. Discussing important issues with one’s partner and putting forward diffierent points of view is not ‘arguing’ it’s being a couple.
If he tries this again in front of anyone else, I suggest saying’this is not the time or place’ and leaving the room if necessary.

Oh dear, I don't like the sound of this pigeonholing the children.

Do you see much of your side of the family or family friends who can counter this nonsense by providing alternative role models?

My parents were a bit like that with DSis and me and it has caused a heck of a lot of problems in our relationships! Children change over time and so do their needs.

Just reassure DD quietly that you will go for the school that suits her best. Clearly DH isn't going to bother to actually learn about admissions and has no idea of fees, so I think you can pretty much ignore his uninformed opinions.

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. He's so controlling he's dictating to you where and how you'd live if you split up?! Huge red flag! He's acting as though you can't make any decisions for yourself.

Unfortunately I don't see how he's ever going to improve, he obviously doesn't respect you, thinks he's superior to you and only he has the answers, so isn't prepared to listen to anything you have to say about big life decisions.

Could it be that sending DD to a private school would in part be to boost his own ego, look good in front of his mates / the neighbours / impress his family etc that he's achieved enough in life to be able to afford it, and be nothing to do with her having the best education?

Honestly as your relationship isn't in good shape and hasn't been for a long time sending DD to the private school could be a mistake because there's a good chance you'll split in the next 9 years and she'll have the disruption of losing her home with both parents, and most likely having to change schools and lose her friends all at the same. If she's at the local comp or grammar she's at least going to have her friends and support network around her and teaching staff who already know her if you do split up. But I think you know all this anyway.

It sounds like she's smart and if she's happy she'll be fine whichever school she goes to, it sounds like you're fortunate to have great catchment schools. You haven't mentioned where her current friends are likely to go, and for a lot of kids this becomes an important factor when they start going into year 6 and talking amongst themselves about their next school.

How does the prospect of spending at least the next 9 years of your life in this relationship sound to you? Serious question - assuming nothing changes are you ok with that or not? If not then move on, you deserve better and it sounds like you're more capable of making researched and properly considered decisions than your partner is.

I hope you find a way through this x

I get that you're trying to stay together for the kids but it sounds like you really irritate each other and the communication isn't going to get better. You're grilling him wanting responses he's not going to give. He's broadcasting and not interested in receiving. You have different ideas of how to manage big decisions on the family's future and it's going to blow up sooner or later. Sorry but I think you need to focus less on the ins and outs of this schools chat and see it for what it is, one symptom of the bigger issue that needs addressing.

It sounds like he's living a little fantasy in front of his mum, pretending that he earns more than he does and acting the big man. What a prat.

Well, he can't downsize without your agreement or send your dcs to specific schools without a court order, and no court would order that two NT siblings should be sent, one private and one comprehensive. He'll have to treble his earnings to pay for them both, which seems unlikely.

So I'd just ignore him for now. He's made a fool of himself.

It sounds like there are bigger issues here but I do think you overreacted to a bit of a throwaway comment. Nobody expected you two to decide right there on the spot where your daughter is going to school and how it will be funded. In fact I’d say he was probably right to shut down specifics in front of his mum.

I’m guessing this is a glimpse into the larger pattern of communication issues on both sides?

I don’t think you’re going to find the answers here, instead it sounds like you’ve got some tough choices to make.

I would definitely save your money for the inevitable separation, OP. I think this man is going to drive you demented. I completely agree with you in everything you've said here. Part of me wonders what's going on in his head but most of me thinks he's just full of shit and trying to impress his mother.

Sounds like he and his mum have decided that it's unnecessary to worry about 2 sets of school fees because only the golden girl matters.

Yanbu to be worried. If it's worth going private for you then it's quite late to be starting to think about it. Starting saving from when DD was 7 would have given you a good launch pad. If you were to relocate to a crappy area outside the catchment of any decent school the lower house prices might well release a good few years of fees. But this may not even be the right option for your kids.

He sounds like a controlling arsehole.

This is a difference in communication styles, leading to lack of effective communication, made worse by the fact you have now both dug yourself into your own holes. In your need to self-preserve, don’t lose sight of the fact your children are loved every bit as much by their father, as by yourself. They deserve better than having two parents at war.

Bottom line: if you knew your partner had only 24 hours to live, how would you feel? If you would feel a sense of sadness but also relief that the sparring would be over - that is your answer: the marriage is at an end. If however, it makes you feel devastated that all could be lost and you would be bereft without him, then the marriage is worth working at and fighting for. He needs to answer the same question. I do think you both need some sort of ‘time out’ intervention just to re-set your mutual perspectives.

He wants you to listen to him. But he doesn't want to listen to you.

And he uses his mummy to do that.

And they are all setting up a golden child/black sheep dynamic with your children, which is really very serious.

That is a much bigger problem. Do you think a trial separation would help you both figure out what you want? Only staying together for the kids is going to take its toll on both of you, particularly if you try to sustain a marriage in the traditional sense rather than accept it for what it is.

I think he was showing off in front of his mum that you could afford private school and your questions embarrassed him.

If you can only afford private school by downsizing you can’t afford it unless you have a HUGE amount of equity.

A bog standard local indie round here now costs £30k for a day pupil plus all the extras you’ll be invoiced at the end of each term - food, trips, extra-curriculars, sometimes books or specific art supplies.

My school even added £50 smoking fines to the parents’ bill as punishment for smoking in school - leading to a few awkward conversations! If you forgot your hymn book for assembly, you were issued a new one and that was put on the bill too 😂

It's a typical ego trip, I haven't really given this a moments thought but of course I the big man can afford private education. Ego trip in that he tripped himself up by coming up against reality and logic. Which is why he doesn't want to talk about it, he just wants it to go away. There's obviously some strong values coming through from his family too.

I don’t think your issues are about how you can give your children the best education.

This man needs to get out of his nappy and from under his mummy’s apron and show some respect for his wife.
This is a major decision to be discussed between the parents of the child, and MIL should NOT even be in the equation, it’s none of her business.
I’m really sorry OP, you have an obnoxious husband who is encouraged and supported by a very disrespectful MIL, and I’m trying hard to imagine how I would handle it.
It seems he’s playing the ‘I don’t want to argue’ game which gives him power. He hopes it’ll make it appear to your MIL that you cannot have a sensible discussion about your DD’s future education and your finances without it leading to an argument. He’s manipulative.
I think I would agree to move home, and given that he has no interest in speaking to you about anything I’d be suggesting he goes back to live with his precious mummy, whilst you and your children move forward without him.
On a final note, if you have a conversation with him I would suggest you keep your voice level and one tone, leave out any emotion, show no misery, no happiness, be a robot, and don’t rise to it if he tries to goad you into an argument because that’s exactly what he wants so he can shut you down again. If he accuses you of anything simply smile and no response, because if you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got. Take away his power. He deserves nothing less.
I wish you luck, and again I’m sorry for what you’re going through.

Talk about defensive! Wonder if he knows you can't afford private and really hates that. Would explain his weird attitude.

Christ! That simple straight forward conversation got twisted spectacularly!!!

He sounds awful, how can anything be sensibly discussed if any normal back and forth exchange is turned into a faux argument.

He is a fantasist.

If you have already looked at grammars and the local comp is DD year 6? Does he even know how admissions works? Surely it's too late to change strategy even if you wanted to?