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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner starts a big conversation, I share my thoughts, he ends it with I don’t want an argument

120 replies

Whattodoforthebesteek · 01/01/2025 20:41

My other half, infront of his mum, discussed my daughters choices for secondary school, grammar if she should pass, local comprehensive and then threw in private. His mum v much inclined to support her granddaughter getting the best, I asked how much is private and how the be-Jesus could we afford it, esp if you take on board that we have two kids. He said I don’t want an argument. I said I’m not arguing, I’m asking valid questions. I said how could we do two lots of fees totalling £50k a year plus all the trips and expenses (we both work and have a decent mortgage still), he said we’d find a way (is he squirrelling £ or pooping cash). I said what if the bottom fell out of his industry and we had to move them cos we didn’t have the funds, he said it’s better to have had it for a short period than not at all, I said I disagreed and that it would be so hard to go from massive privilege to a comp (which is an excellent comp, should she eleven get a place mid way through the schooling system), he just said he didn’t want an argument and shut down all of my conversations questions and valid concerns. All infront of his mother!
We have only ever discussed private school twice, tonight, and one other time infront of his mother, where she was saying our daughter is so unbelievably gifted she deserves the best education, I thought he was humouring her, and given we hadn’t discussed it previously or since, I shelved it.

Thiughts? I hate not being able to ask, understand, discuss, be involved in such a huge discussion, how dare he. I was the parent who took her round the grammar school and comp open evenings, he wasn’t remotely interested. His friend has sent his daughter to a private school cos their house was poorly located for any decent comps. We moved house especially to be in the catchment of a really decent well regarded comp, I feel blind sided. I am from a working class background and this whole discussion makes me uncomfortable. I want to have a balanced understanding, I don’t want to throw baby out with the bath water, but I feel my other half is being manipulative and controlling and undermining. Thoughts please

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 03/01/2025 01:19

Whattodoforthebesteek · 01/01/2025 23:33

I think this has alot of truth! I think the idea of talking is draining so he tries to shut things down siting my behaviour or tone or refusing to give me an argument, when I’m trying to have a discussion. I feel so unheard and unseen and I feel I am going mad!

This is pretty abusive...

He's shutting any convo down coming citing differing reasons....

Do you want to live like this for rest of your life??

This is not good role modeling for your kids... Is this how you want your daughter to understand women's role in relationship... That she can be expected to be shut down /devalued??

Look up the Gottmans work if you've not seen...

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling

Identify Gottman Four Horsemen in your conflict discussions, eliminate them and replace them with healthy, productive communication patterns.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling

Original poster
Whattodoforthebesteek · 03/01/2025 01:18

I think it’s deep routed and he doesn’t see any issues, he deflects it to being my problem, he won’t address anything that is clear

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 03/01/2025 01:17

Whattodoforthebesteek · 01/01/2025 23:46

I hate the golden girl naughty boy trip they are on!!! She is 9 and he is 5… I really hate it, it’s caused many conversations with my partner. He doesn’t want any confrontation, he can’t cope with it, and in the past once said we don’t know how long we have got them for (his parents) and if forced to choose he’d choose them.

There you go. For mine, he’d be choosing, today. The choice is a supportive life with his own children or separated and hanging out with his parents, this is about him not you.

in the situation you’d describe I’d say when you put together a budget for this we can look at it. And that would be end of discussion for me.

Original poster
Whattodoforthebesteek · 03/01/2025 01:15

We aren’t married so there isn’t much to ‘do’
the house is in joint names, we will need to sell it and split the equity to get something each.

He earns more but I have no entitlement, I believe he will be more than fair though.

The kids!!! I know he wants equal custody, as we discussed this last February…

OP posts:
HomeTheatreSystem · 03/01/2025 01:13

I cannot see how it's possible to have an equal relationship with someone who stonewalls you at every turn. Small wonder you feel you are going mad. He can't or won't change.

Original poster
Whattodoforthebesteek · 03/01/2025 01:08

As I pointed out to him we generally coexist and don’t even talk anymore, to which he said is normal.

He will ask my opinion on something and has a habit of continually asking until I say what he wants to hear.

nearly every time I speak to him his response is pardon, which drives me insane

The kids can be asking him something and maybe on the third or fourth repeat I’ll shout from up stairs, can you please answer him/ her

his love languages are acts of service and gifts, he is a real do’er, he does so much in the house, and well.

my love languages are commutation and touch

OP posts:
Fleetheart · 03/01/2025 01:07

It’s sad but it is time to go. It’s not working. It will be better to be split up. My ex was like this, I used to spend my life on eggshells. Am only sad I didn’t split earlier- it took me years!

WilfredsPies · 03/01/2025 01:02

I genuinely don’t know how he runs his own company, but this gives him weight to say it’s me not him, cos he doesn’t have issues with other people, with other people he is liked and understood and therefore he doesn’t understand what my issues are Well that’s an easy question. Either he’s trying to please people, or people are trying to please him. Everyone is on their best behaviour. Nobody is telling their boss he’s a dickhead. He’s not going to be shutting down his clients and refusing to listen to them.

I think we both know what’s coming, but I don’t know when he will feel willing to have a conversation, too tired, too exhausting, work, kids… I also work.
Coparenting will require better communication than we are currently capable of. My poor babies x I suspect your babies will be more relieved than you think. I also think that you need to get out of the mindset of discussing stuff with him. He’s never going to give you what you want. So announce it. ‘I’m ending our relationship. I’ve found somewhere to stay with the children and I’ve consulted a solicitor ready to assist in drawing up a formal custody agreement and financial division. I suggest you do the same.’ Job done. The time for discussion was when you asked him to go to therapy with you. You’re way past that point now.

WomenInConstruction · 03/01/2025 00:59

Maybe being boss of his own company means that everyone is deferential to him so he is content to communicate clearly because he doesn't feel threatened.
He can issue edicts from on high and no one is going to quibble.
If he's feeling generous he could enquire about anothers opinion (though isn't compelled to do so), in doing this he would be a 'gracious benign boss'.

Whereas a spousal relationship is more one of parity and both opinions count and decisions are a process of discuss/negotiate... Maybe that's not his style / he is psychologically ill equipped for that dynamic?

Comtesse · 03/01/2025 00:57

So he starts a conversation about a big topic, you participate but don’t agree with him, he says “no arguments” then he refuses to talk about it later cos he is “too tired”. Manipulative and infuriating. I would hate that. Does he do this frequently? Sounds super annoying.

Original poster
Whattodoforthebesteek · 03/01/2025 00:49

This post is exhausting me! But I’m grateful too for the log of who said what before it’s utterly morphed into a different he said she scenario… I appreciate the comments and time, thank you

I genuinely don’t know how he runs his own company, but this gives him weight to say it’s me not him, cos he doesn’t have issues with other people, with other people he is liked and understood and therefore he doesn’t understand what my issues are.

Whereas for me I feel so uneasy it is effecting my relationships with others cos i feel I have no control at all, I feel insecure and I need validation (hence my post) cos I’m second guessing my reality and I’ve tried so much self improvement to address me, but then I conclude it’s not me… and if it is unintentional behaviour from him he doesn’t care to understand it or try to change it

I’ve just looked back at my previous aibu post from August, and I feel awful. I’d forgotten the responses from people. It’s solidified the negative impact it is having on our children x

OP posts:
WomenInConstruction · 03/01/2025 00:29

He's exhausted! You're exhausted! Hell, even I'm vicariously exhausted (black humour).

But of course it's tiring when up can become down, black can become white, there's one rule for him another for you... You're shooting at a moving goal all the time. Naturally that's exhausting.

He's either not conscious he's doing it, in which case he has some serious communication issues. Or he knows what he's doing and and is playing horrible games in an effort to keep you off balance so he's in the driving seat all the time. You'll know which it is better than us, but neither are conducive to good teamwork. ☹️

Original poster
Whattodoforthebesteek · 03/01/2025 00:26

Thank you again for all your comments, it’s helped with my sanity xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodoforthebesteek · 03/01/2025 00:20

Ive tried to steer the issue to his repeated behaviour of shutting me down in conversations and expecting me to know when to talk and when to not, he has a thing that I shouldn’t engage in debate with his family that I should know it will get heated, but his dad and I like a good chat, I work for the nhs and he asks me about it. My other half gets annoyed if I don’t respect his preferences cos he doesn’t like the confrontation, but I don’t see it as confrontational, it’s conversation. He is very opinionated and tells his brothers exactly what he thinks on all sorts of topics, but he can as it’s his family.
He said he shut the school conversation down cos I was getting heated and he didn’t want that, he had said his bit and that there was no need for me to add to it. he summarised what he said very differently, saying he simply said there is a potential third choice of private schools which we haven’t yet discussed (he did not say this, this would have been perfect). I’m trying to talk about his expectations of me versus the specific school conversation, and he is only discussing the school conversation but now with a very twisted tale of what he said and I said.

anyway, I’m exhausted and confused whether I’m coming or going. At one point he said he never shut me down then he said he bluntly shut me down, when i pointed out he said he never then he said he did, and he told me I was exhausting.

OP posts:
Dotto · 03/01/2025 00:01

Fuck his conversation then. He can discuss everything via family court if he refuses to lower himself to engage with you directly.

He's a pathetic specimin.

Original poster
Whattodoforthebesteek · 02/01/2025 23:58

I am exhausted and disappointed, but I’m also feeling ill. I think we both know what’s coming, but I don’t know when he will feel willing to have a conversation, too tired, too exhausting, work, kids… I also work.
Coparenting will require better communication than we are currently capable of. My poor babies x

OP posts:
WomenInConstruction · 02/01/2025 23:52

StormingNorman · 02/01/2025 23:34

Mate! His first day back at work!

Choose your timing wisely - it’s half the battle. Far better to wait and get the result than rush to get things off your chest.

It was a standard parental chat about school choice for a child, you could have that over cornflakes while heading to your vasectomy appointment after a career crucial presentation to the board if you weren't an evasive knob. 🙄

WilfredsPies · 02/01/2025 23:51

I think you’re flogging a dead horse. And you’re wasting your time and energy doing it, when you could be getting on with being happy again. Nothing you say is going to change him or the way he communicates with you. There’s no point in trying to put your opinion over because he isn’t hearing you. All he is hearing from you is ‘let’s have an argument about this’. You are wasting so much of your own energy trying to change him and if he’s not prepared to put the work in, you are never going to get a different result. And it’s not going to result in happier children. The atmosphere in your house must be quite tense.

Re the school, I’d be inclined to just not mention it again. You know you can’t afford it, and you know he can’t afford it, so just continue with your plans to get her into the best school you can. If he starts talking about downsizing so you can afford to send her for two years, then have her drop out and go to the local comp, tell him he’ll need to fund that himself. What’s he going to do? Drag you before a Judge to complain that you’re prioritising housing over a few terms of private education for his favourite child?

Original poster
Whattodoforthebesteek · 02/01/2025 23:50

If happened, he stopped me from talking in the actual moment, he said his opinions and I wasn’t allowed to speak on the matter. I waited til we got home and put the kids to bed, made him a cuppa and asked to speak, he said no too tired. I had zero sleep, he had undisrupted sleep. I have walked on egg shells being ignored this morning then he acted like everything was normal this afternoon, I put the kids to bed and asked again to talk.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 02/01/2025 23:34

Mate! His first day back at work!

Choose your timing wisely - it’s half the battle. Far better to wait and get the result than rush to get things off your chest.

Original poster
Whattodoforthebesteek · 02/01/2025 23:19

Then eventually I realise that my behaviour has never been aggressive or violent, that raising my voice doesn’t make me a monster and by not addressing things as they happen they are left to fester and mount up… to this very stale state

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodoforthebesteek · 02/01/2025 23:15

Exactly this! I feel so unseen and unheard and in an attempt to explain myself I try to stick to my own mini rule book of not using a tone or a volume which will allow him to instantly shut it down… that I become so drained and I kinda forget the purpose of our conversation because it gets twisted and I feel
lost. Eventually I walk away or I get teary out of utter frustration.In the passed I have written things down proactively to know my purpose, to allow me to come back to centre, and I have written down our conversations afterwards once too cos he will tell me what he said and he will deny saying other things, but he said this was very aggressive and controlling of me and I was trying to catch him out.

OP posts:
WomenInConstruction · 02/01/2025 23:05

So attempting a two-way dialogue is 'all your drama'?
I think having a normal adult relationship is like trying to catch soap in the bath here.
No wonder you're exhausted.

But if you can't reason with him, and he is just going to thwart all your attempts to discuss a serious topic in a calm rational way considering all the factors so that a good decision can be reached then you're left high and dry aren't you? ☹️

Original poster
Whattodoforthebesteek · 02/01/2025 22:56

he kept busy and didn’t engage with me all morning, then started to act as if nothing had happened by the afternoon. Once the kids were in bed I asked if we were going to talk, he said not this again, there is nothing else to say, he is tired. I asked him to listen to me and said I’m not asking you to agree with me but to understand what I’m saying, he said he couldn’t make any sense of what I was saying and what was the point of wasting energy discussing it. He went on to say thanks alot it’s his first day back at work tomorrow and he could do without all my drama, and how inconsiderate I was. He said he wasn’t willing to keep talking incase our daughter could hear, she was still awake. I asked when should we talk? Concluded can’t keep on the same, either need to approach things differently to improve our comms, as we have said for a few years now, or agree that we’ve left it to too late and we’ve gone passed the point of no return. He said he was too tired and what did I want from him. I said take some time to think, do things differently, or stop. I feel exhausted, he is such a victim but often comes back in a few days more balanced.

OP posts:
SeAmableSiempre · 02/01/2025 10:24

Whattodoforthebesteek · 01/01/2025 23:26

We have much bigger issues. We nearly separated last year for same reasons, inability to communicate. We have two amazing children and we didn’t want to break their home as they know it.

I asked if he had any New Year’s resolutions, he said to smile more, I said if do same thing get same result, what does he think stops him from smiling, he said life’s hard, I said what about it is hard meaning what can we change to help with his desire to smile more, he said us. I didn’t say anything more as it was quite chat in the car and kids were in the back. But he hasn’t wanted to discuss this since either. We have discussed and agreed to do therapy, but he never actually delivers on it. I did therapy alone but therapist concluded I was there asking her to help me be better so I don’t react to him so we can be happy, she said I was enabling the situation. I stopped therapy to start couples therapy as I felt I didn’t have the energy for both, and we have not done it (2 years).

There is a phrase… ‘Do what you’ve always done, and you’ll get what you always got’.
Continue in the same pattern and nothing will change. YOU cannot change him, but you can change you. That doesn’t mean YOU are in the wrong, but if you change your response to him it will unsettle him and this may instigate a change in him. At the moment you are predictable and he is bullying you.
People struggle to cope with change and you being different will back foot him. You deserve better, and your children won’t benefit from observing and living within an unhappy marriage. I’d be seriously looking to remove myself from this marriage. I wish you well

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