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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be irritated by my boyfriend's daughter using my stuff?

193 replies

BrianWankum · 01/01/2025 18:40

I don't live here and am here maybe once a month, probably less recently as I've been v busy. She is 17, doesn't live here either, stays once or twice a month. I haven't actually seen her for ages.

I keep a few bits here - last time I was here I couldn't find my hairbrush and my boyfriend went in her room and found it in a drawer. This time I couldn't find my hairbrush, hairdryer, heat protection spray or deodorant - they were all in her room and the deodorant was in a drawer.

I do also have shower stuff here that hasn't moved from where I last used it. I'm grumpy today anyway and finding this highly irritating, I don't really want to share with her, I'm not her mother! I bought an extra hairdryer at home because I got fed up with mine wandering off when my own daughters stay. Am I just being a miserable cow, given that it doesn't actually use up my hairdryer and deodorant is cheap?

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 02/01/2025 11:44

I wouldn’t wanna share my hairbrush with anyone, I think that’s pretty gross tbh. YANBU OP

Tittat50 · 02/01/2025 11:06

I personally would buy these things for her as a gift. Her dad should really. However ,I'd see it as killing two birds. She'll leave your stuff alone and I feel this is a warm kind gesture she'd probably appreciate in her situation. It's bloody horrible having separate parents and their partners for the majority of kids.

I stole my mum's boyfriends jewellery item when I was a teenager staying at his house. I was resentful, I thought he was a twat, I was a self focused teenager.

nex18 · 02/01/2025 11:00

Full sympathy from me OP, I have exactly the same issue with my partners dd. She’s an adult who should be responsible for buying her own toiletries but is very disorganised and helps herself anybody else’s if she runs out of her own stuff (she’ll use her dad’s man smell shower gel and leave the bottle empty and seems to be unable to buy toilet paper). So I don’t leave anything there even though we’ve been together for years. He has a drawer with a change of clothes, razors, deodorant, phone charger etc at mine (which my ds manages to not use). I have to take an overnight bag with me if I stay there and I have emergency makeup and clean knickers in my handbag in case of spur of the moment plans. My adult dd uses my hairdryer and straighteners when she comes home but she asks and she puts them back.

HopingForTheBest25 · 02/01/2025 09:43

I hunk its normal for kids to borrow stuff and not put it back. Shes probably feels it's fine to use the things which are in her dad's home and hasn't given any thought to who those things really belong to.

I think you're being a bit mean - no you aren't her mum but you are her dad's gf, not some random stranger. And it's generic stuff she's using - it's not like she borrowed deeply personal and sentimental items without asking! Girls use each other's hairbrushes etc all the time, even if it isn't strictly the best idea.

I think that if this is pissing you off, then don't leave your stuff there.

RawBloomers · 02/01/2025 02:35

It being on top of the wardrobe, presumably a bit out of sight, made me wonder a bit. I would be annoyed if my kids searched on top of the wardrobe in my room, feels very intrusive and I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t take something left there without asking. I’m totally prepared to accept she’s just being poorly behaved. But - does she definitely know it’s yours/that she shouldn’t be using it? Or could your DP have given it to her when she’s asked if he has/has seen a hairdryer/brush/deodorant/etc.?

Achocolateroux · 02/01/2025 02:05

No, YANBU.

But I’d say if anyone it’s your partner who should have bought her a hairdryer for Christmas.

Ask him to buy the items she is borrowing from you and ask her leave it all at his house so they’re there permanently, and she doesn’t feel the need to go rooting around in your house.

If it continues after that something else is going on.

Original poster
BrianWankum · 02/01/2025 01:48

My goodness, wasn't expecting so many replies! And was really expecting to be told I was BU, nice to have so many people understanding the irritation.

Just to answer a few points -
I used to be there more often, maybe every other weekend, but like I said, have had other pressures lately. Just got tedious taking a hairdryer plus bits and bobs back and forth. Relationship of over two years.
I happily share (two way process!) all sorts with my own daughters (and son, and his girlfriend). And happy for them to use my hairdryer in my room - and I probably wouldn't even have noticed if my boyfriend's daughter had used everything in his room, it's the having to go and find them that was annoying.
My things were on top of his wardrobe, so not lying around looking communal, and not trying to take over his house.
She had another deodorant in the drawer with mine, and I saw 3 other hairbrushes around the house. She used to have one of those hairdrying brushes at his - maybe she took it back to her mum's.
And yes, my first thought was that I should have bought her a hairdryer for Christmas!

OP posts:
BrianWankum · 02/01/2025 01:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Mirabai · 02/01/2025 00:05

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/01/2025 23:29

@SpringIscomingalso

”daddy”?!

did you miss how old the daughter is?

Show quote history

My daddy’s daddy and I’m 54.

ThinWomansBrain · 02/01/2025 00:01

buy a lockable cosmetics case?

Dawncleo62 · 01/01/2025 23:52

Put your stuff in a “grab-bag” Just big enough to hold the things she keeps using. Keep it by the bed & take with you & leave in your car when you leave. Then it’s there & ready to take out when you stay again.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/01/2025 23:47

lightsandtunnels · 01/01/2025 18:51

I think you're being a bit mean. Does she need them? Is anyone buying her the things she needs to keep at her Dad's? Perhaps DP isn't aware of the things she needs and she doesn't want to ask him.

I would go to the pound shop and fill a basket with toiletries and give them to her along with a small hairdryer. Tell her you thought she might need a few things for when she's at her Dad's. I know she's 17 but you're the adult and she's the child.

This except dad needs to pay not op

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/01/2025 23:47

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/01/2025 18:51

Give him a shopping list of what she needs.

This

PickledOwl1 · 01/01/2025 23:34

It's very easy to ensure she has a hairbrush, hairdryer, hair styling bits and deodorant so I'd make sure she has all she needs tbh. Maybe ask her dad to provide it all

It's nice to be nice

Whatwouldnanado · 01/01/2025 23:31

Some horrible responses here…this is the girls home, however often she stays. Presumably before OP was on the scene she didn’t have stuff there ? Yes there’s the lack of respect side of things but perhaps this is the kid’s way of marking her territory. 17 is a tender age. I’d buy a set of similar stuff and a Boots voucher for her and try to befriend her.

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/01/2025 23:31

DontshootmyRaptors · 01/01/2025 21:38

Jesus Christ lighten up, it’s just stuff.

@DontshootmyRaptors

stuff costs money. Must of us don’t have an infinite amount of money to continually be replacing stuff.

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/01/2025 23:29

SpringIscomingalso · 01/01/2025 22:12

Don't keep your belongings in her daddy's home.

@SpringIscomingalso

”daddy”?!

did you miss how old the daughter is?

Maybluebell · 01/01/2025 23:22

lightsandtunnels · 01/01/2025 18:51

I think you're being a bit mean. Does she need them? Is anyone buying her the things she needs to keep at her Dad's? Perhaps DP isn't aware of the things she needs and she doesn't want to ask him.

I would go to the pound shop and fill a basket with toiletries and give them to her along with a small hairdryer. Tell her you thought she might need a few things for when she's at her Dad's. I know she's 17 but you're the adult and she's the child.

Agreed, except I would have her Dad pay and would get her a few nicer bits than poundland, she's 17, probably not a lot of money and as her Dad he should be making sure she has a hairdryer etc in his home,
I dont think its malicious of her, 17 year olds are just self centred at that age

user1492757084 · 01/01/2025 23:20

For consumables, put your things in a bathroom bag, named.
Ask your boy friend to put similar in another bathroom bag, named, for his daughter.
Be happy to share the hair dryer if it remains where you left it. If it moves, ask your boyfriend to buy another and plonk it in the place where his daughter likes to use a hairdryer.

Mumwithbaggage · 01/01/2025 23:15

I couldn't lose sleep over this. Buy a basket and keep it in there? Or say more than happy for you to use hairdryer, please can you try to put it back so I don't need to nosey in your bedroom. My (the) airwrap always ends up in the room of the last person to use it. I make sure there's plenty of toiletries in the bathroom the adult kids and their friends use when they are around - nice quality stuff.

changecandles · 01/01/2025 23:13

Ablondiebutagoody · 01/01/2025 19:05

I don't see the problem with sharing stuff. You sound very tight

Hairbrush? Oh stop being contrary. That's ridiculous.

CarminaPiranha · 01/01/2025 23:11

I don't really understand why if you are there less than once a month you feel the need to leave your stuff there. I feel there is something behind that. Perhaps this is her way of saying: "OK, you leave stuff? You want to be part of this? You can share.". I am wondering whether there is some competition between you? Is she feeling resentful of you in her space or of your stuff being in their space? Are you purposely leaving stuff so that it is clear he has a partner or something? Why is it not put away and just left about when you don't live there? Bit more info would be useful.

YourGladSquid · 01/01/2025 23:06

Minimili · 01/01/2025 21:37

I can see why OP would find it frustrating, she hardly knows her boyfriend’s daughter and would you want a girl you hardly know using your hair brush? It’s not very hygienic. My heat protection spray for my hair is expensive and I’d be annoyed if it was being taken and used without being asked.

You can’t compare a girl OP has only met a few times with her own daughters. She is making the comment that she isn’t the girls mother because she isn’t! It’s very unlikely she’s the same with her own daughters. I doubt she says to them “don’t use my hairbrush because I’m not your mother”

I always asked my mum permission before using her belongings and it would have felt disrespectful to just help myself. My mum said yes most of the time but I always looked after things and put them back in the right place.

My sister was a nightmare “borrowing” make up and beauty products without asking then losing them or using them up. She used all of mine and my mum’s expensive perfume without asking, in the end we had to hide things and refuse to let her in our rooms to help herself.
Just because you are living in the same house as someone doesn’t mean they can help themselves to your belongings, if you don’t like it then it doesn’t make you miserable!

Show quote history

Yes, but she’s also 17 - is it really worth staying in a mood over it? Probably not and OP is aware otherwise she wouldn’t be asking. And she did mention being annoyed at her daughters taking her stuff when they stay, so this is likely just her personality trait.

I sympathise as I also hate when people
take my stuff (and when I did I always looked after it and put it back), but with teens it’s fairly common and hardly malicious, so not worth being that irritated over.

I still think the best solution is to pack it all away in a small bag and get a lock.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 01/01/2025 23:02

If you are not there all that often perhaps just keep your stuff in a locked suitcase and tuck it under the bed or put it in a cupboard when you leave. YANBU to get irritated by it, but she's 17 so it's sort of par for the course, as you know from your own daughters. It's easier to just find a simple solution than to waste energy stressing over it.

Lavender14 · 01/01/2025 22:59

I would ask your bf for the money to get her some duplicates for her room and make her up a wee hamper with it. Then she's no reason to touch yours and you're not out of pocket for it. Things like the hairdryer or deodorant I really wouldn't be annoyed over and tbh if she's 17 she should have access to those things in her own bedroom anyway. It's unlikely a 17 yo is earning enough to be responsible financially for all that so I think it's still on her dad to provide it. My guess is being a bloke he's not thought of it so she's getting caught short going between houses and isn't thinking enough to return yours to where she found it. Period stuff and body wash etc as well.