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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to speak to this person until I receive an apology

233 replies

ToffeePennie · 01/01/2025 18:03

This person has hurt me by slowly driving directly towards me whilst I was walking in a field, then hitting me. I clipped my right hip/knee and ankle on the car, but I did not report it as there were no witnesses and I was the only person injured (and my injuries were “brushed off” by the rest of my family as I was perfectly fine, apart from a few scrapes and bruises).
This took place at an event we attend locally about 4 years ago. I did not want to spoil the event for my children, but resolved that until the family member who hit me apologised, I would not speak to them, I would ignore them.
This person is elderly (90s) and their child is very aware and was told at the time. I was informed the person “is elderly and therefore we should cut them some slack, they probably didn’t even see you, or feel the bump of the car”. I firmly believe this takes the mick and they should have been told what they had done, if, they really didn’t know.
Said family member absolutely should not have been driving and a month after hitting me, they had another “little accident” where they drove into someone’s wall very very slowly and had their licence removed from them. So there’s not much more I can do about it. Note: this is not the sort of family member where I have any rights to intervene, nor does my DH.
However, being forced to be around this person over the festive period has made things more awkward again, and it’s now where I am pointedly ignoring them.
AIBU or Not?

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 01/01/2025 18:40

This is honestly so bizarre and I am struggling to understand who did what to whom and why but it seems highly unlikely that this was intended to seriously hurt you.

Either this person has some cognitive issue or was being an attention seeker. It’s either deserving of compassion or frustration, and I can imagine being slow charged by a demented elder in a car would be infuriating but I can’t see what holding out for an apology will achieve?

If they felt an apology was deserved they would have issued one years ago. And not to put too fine a point on it they are very likely to die in the next couple of years anyway. You will certainly piss other family members off being this hardline about it. What’s the point?

Original poster
ToffeePennie · 01/01/2025 18:39

Just to answer the question, I didn’t see or hear the electric car. I had my back to the part of the field the relative was driving on. They should not have been driving on that section of the field. They absolutely knew they had hit “something or someone”. At the time I tried to say something, but was shaken up and told to quieten down and ended up just crying instead.
I can see how I am being unreasonable by not holding their child accountable and I think I will discuss the whole incident with the child and see if it maybe helps me if I can get some kind of closure. I think I need to discuss it openly as keeping it inside for the last 4 years really hasn’t been healthy!
I will also see if I can speak to this family member and try to talk to them about why I have been so very cold towards them, try and get over it for my own sake.

OP posts:
PeppyLilacLion · 01/01/2025 18:37

I’m sorry but letting (most) 90 years olds drive a car is akin to letting a 6 year old get behind the wheel. Yes I am aware there will be the odd exception but not many. Unless they have been laughing and boasting about it let it go OP, they probably don’t even remember it now.

cartagenagina · 01/01/2025 18:37

I can’t understand how this happened. Were you tied to railway tracks at the time and unable to move?

No witnesses?

I think your options were report at the time, or forever shut up about it.

RupertCampbellBlacksEgo · 01/01/2025 18:37

You wrote that s/he doesn't even know that it happened, so holding out for an apology is completely pointless, if they've noticed your stonewalling they probably just think you're a bit weird.

LadyQuackBeth · 01/01/2025 18:36

Was the field a makeshift car park, so a fair bit going on, and they just clipped you with the mirror as they left, or just you in a field being aimed at? The details sound like the former, but you are phrasing it as a targeted attack. It also sounds like it was fairly minor.

It wasn't a pleasant thing, but expecting an apology for something they didn't realise at the time and will probably struggle to remember at all is not a grudge that you should be nurturing. It is just making you look petty, feel aggreived and every family meet up harder than it needs to be. You need to decide if it will actually make you happy if they give a cursory apology for something they know nothing about just to keep the peace, that's your best case scenario.

I also don't understand how all your rage is aimed at the 90yo and not the people who did know it had happened but wanted to brush it under the carpet. Seems a bit unfair tbh

Tootiredmummyof3 · 01/01/2025 18:35

SabbatWheel · 01/01/2025 18:05

If they were driving slowly did you not have time to get out of the way? Sounds all a bit of a drama tbh.

Yeah, did you just stand there and watch the car driving slowly towards you? Didn't you think about moving out of the way?
They are 90, let it go! They might not be around next Christmas so why not just forget it and move on.

sloecat · 01/01/2025 18:35

Mounjarowife · 01/01/2025 18:21

you sound bonkers

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No they don’t.

AsTheLightFades · 01/01/2025 18:35

Given the recent murders by car drivers ploughing into pedestrians, you should be thanking them for only 'clipping' a knee/ankle.

oakleaffy · 01/01/2025 18:34

SabbatWheel · 01/01/2025 18:05

If they were driving slowly did you not have time to get out of the way? Sounds all a bit of a drama tbh.

Exactly this... Why would one NOT step aside when a vehicle is being driven close to where one is standing? That's inadvisable.

{Assuming you have functioning legs}

Also..Passive aggressive ''silences''?? Why do a sulky silence? - far better to have said at the time ''watch where you are going!''

Four years you have been simmering over this?

This isn't healthy.

Melodyfair · 01/01/2025 18:33

DollopOfFun · 01/01/2025 18:30

Sorry to minimise, but is anyone else thinking of the scene in Austin Powers where the slowest cart in the world is bearing down on them

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I was thinking of the milk float in father ted 😂

AquaPeer · 01/01/2025 18:32

Report what? Who do you think is going to do something about a non accident on private property?

Livelovebehappy · 01/01/2025 18:32

The time to have a discussion about this was four years ago. I would have just pulled the person to the side and told them you had been hit/was hurt. They would then have probably volunteered an apology, and you wouldn’t be still holding onto this four years later. Sounds like people got in between you by defending what he’d done, when it would have been better for you both to discuss directly with one another.

Pliudev · 01/01/2025 18:32

I think your mistake was not to report it at the time. You say they had another accident a few weeks later and after that, no longer drove a car. That accident could have been more serious and someone could have been seriously injured or worse. Telling an elderly person they should no longer drive is a sensitive issue but it's obvious after an incident such as the one you describe, that for everyone's safety, they should hand over the keys. You were at fault for not taking action at the time and the drivers close relatives were certainly at fault. To be brooding over this after four years seems pretty pointless.

Trainors · 01/01/2025 18:31

What? You’re refusing to speak to a 90 year old relative because they accidentally hit you very gently with a car? Surely the best course of action here would be to gently ensure that their driving ability is re-assessed as it seems they may no longer be safe on the roads.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 01/01/2025 18:31

@ToffeePennie the relationship would be good to know to help understand! is it a grandmother???

DollopOfFun · 01/01/2025 18:30

SabbatWheel · 01/01/2025 18:05

If they were driving slowly did you not have time to get out of the way? Sounds all a bit of a drama tbh.

Sorry to minimise, but is anyone else thinking of the scene in Austin Powers where the slowest cart in the world is bearing down on them

PennyApril54 · 01/01/2025 18:30

ChippedIkeaFurniture · 01/01/2025 18:09

So to summarise, you want the 90+ yr old who slowly bumped into you with their car 4 years ago to apologise? And until then you are ignoring them? For 4 years? Do they even know what happened?

It doesn't sound like the elderly person is aware of the incident so as far as they know there is nothing to apologize for. Id forget it.

Georgyporky · 01/01/2025 18:30

4 years ?

"they should have been told what they had done, if, they really didn’t know."

So why didn't you tell them ?

AsTheLightFades · 01/01/2025 18:29

I think this another 'light the blue touchpaper and retire' OP

Thegoatliesdownonbroadway · 01/01/2025 18:29

My Mums in her 90s, she remembers everything. She doesn't drive any more. I was nearly knocked off my bike last year, 2024 by one of these noctogenerian drivers. I would blame his nearest and dearest, who didn't stop him driving, but that's probably another thread.

I8toys · 01/01/2025 18:28

Its all very cloak and dagger. I'm more concerned about the family covering up a potential dangerous driver and allowing them to get away with it because of their age. Get the apology from them - the old person won't have a clue what you're talking about.

thepariscrimefiles · 01/01/2025 18:28

Howmanyshoeboxesdoesittake · 01/01/2025 18:14

If this is for real then I think you are being rather unreasonable to be honest holding on to this grudge for for years and spectacularly missing the point.

If you were not hurt the only thing that matters is that this person is not driving any more and that is now the case.

They are elderly, they probably didn't intend to hurt you, and an apology would be nice but what would it really achieve now?

Do you always hold on to resentments like this for so long? If so your life is going to be very hard. I would forgive and forget for your own sake so you can move on.

The incident does sound pretty scary as the elderly person drove straight into OP, causing some scrapes and bruises. I'm not sure why this person didn't apologise at the time, or even their adult child who knew what happened but tried to minimise and brush it off.

I think OP just wants an acknowledgement that this happened to her. The onus is on the OP to forgive and forget, rather than on the person who caused the accident or their adult child who could have said sorry on behalf of their parent.

saraclara · 01/01/2025 18:27

Every time I think I've read the strangest OP on mumsnet, along comes something like this.

This elderly person seems not to have known what she did. You weren't hurt. Yet FOR FOUR YEARS you've expected her to apologise for something she didn't know she'd done, and if you reminded her now, she wouldn't remember the event anyway.

Seriously, this indicates some very warped thinking on your part.