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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to leave my husband

38 replies

NewAccount1990 · 01/01/2025 13:56

So, long story short - I hate my husband. I feel pregnant 6 months into the relationship, we have a gorgeous daughter, who is now 5. He has 2 kids from a previous marriage (really difficult kids, who live with us 50% of the time). I have a son from a previous relationship (did reside with us 75% of the time until 6 months ago when he found his step brothers so obnoxious, he rarely sleeps but visits when they aren't here)

I reluctantly got married in October. I'd begged my partner to agree to a script as to why we were cancelling to save us both embarrassment and he refused. I ended up getting married, despite expressing to him daily I didn't want to go through with it and him responding he's doing therapy, he's so sorry for past mistakes and that I'm punishing the kids and humiliating myself, if I pulled out.

Post marriage- I've discovered lie after lie. About his financies, about his friendships, about his drinking, about how much his parents do (we agreed we'd paid for thr wedding without their financial input as they are in control of everything)- yet 48 hours after the wedding i find out, they gifted him £3k towards the wedding. We earn the same, and he claimed he was saving monthly like I was to afford the wedding. I found out he didn't do the therapy he agreed - this was around his lies. There's £1000s of his wage unaccounted for. I found viagra, and he admitted got ED and can't get hard at all without medication.

I'm devastated by the deception. We sleep in different rooms. I don't wear my ring. I cry all the time. AIBU to leave?, he claims im going back on my vows and im throwing in the towel without trying?

I know it's humiliating as we've only been married 2 months.

OP posts:
ImmortalSnowman · 01/01/2025 14:15

Start with the practical steps. Housing. Make sure you have somewhere to live with your children, including your older one who sounds like he would be far happier if you weren't with this lying, manipulative man. Is your current house in joint names?
Speak to a solicitor ASAP and file for divorce (possibly annulment if what he has done constituates fraud and duress). He can't refuse to divorce you.
You've been married such a short time there won't be much accrued in terms of assets during the marriage to split.

Original poster
NewAccount1990 · 01/01/2025 14:15

@muggart - I used to have boundaries, I genuinely did. Ive left the relationship twice, once when I was 7 months pregnant.

I told him the week before Christmas, if he doesn't change, and told any more lies, I would leave. He did. And this is why I'm here now. He's given me the full sob story about how "I'm destroying him" by saying I'm ending the marriage. And he's given me the whole, give me one more chance, just until the end of January but I've maintained my position, spent Christmas and new years apart, and I've slept in the spare room.

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 01/01/2025 14:14

@NewAccount1990

Well done: it sounds like this has been a bit of a wake-up call and you're doing the work you need to do to reset your sense of self and get some control back. I know its not easy and an unsupportive marriage can really make you doubt yourself but you really need to learn some more robust boundaries.

Whether you get an annulment or a divorce you need to focus on pushing this through: you know its the right thing to do. And continue with the therapy.

You will come out the other side of this and look back on it as something which made you who you are. And hopefully rebuild your relationship with your son.

Cherrysoup · 01/01/2025 14:12

Get out now before you get stuck in the rut. It’s awful that your child won’t stay due to how obnoxious your DH’s sons are. 😢

ShortyShorts · 01/01/2025 14:12

You don't need a therapist or Mumsnet to tell you that you wouldn't be unreasonable to leave your husband.

What you need now is legal and practical advice.

Original poster
NewAccount1990 · 01/01/2025 14:09

@Thepeopleversuswork & @SapphOhNo you are both absolutely right, and I started therapy the first week of December.

I knew it was wrong to get married, I let him know that and I also cried to my dad saying I didn't want to get married to him. My dad didn't turn up at the wedding in protest.

I started therapy as I no longer recognised myself. I've always been strong and independent and have been worn down by this relationship. For example, my daughter is treated very differently by his family - and he always told me its because we weren't married. I married partly for acceptance of her and I. Coupled with trying to save face, of explaining why I was cancelling a wedding... Which is ridiculous on reflection.

OP posts:
muggart · 01/01/2025 14:08

He is very manipulative OP. I can't believe that he guilted you into getting married. You have huge boundaries issues.

But to answer your question, yes you absolutely should get him out of your life. You have to given that you can't assert yourself around him and he doesn't treat you right. Getting rid is the only way forward.

Whoknew24 · 01/01/2025 14:08

The one thing I took from this was your son !! He was pushed out from his own home ? See that would have been the end right there for me, my son would have came first.

SapphOhNo · 01/01/2025 14:04

Why on earth did you get married? You need to take some responsibility for this too.

Ditch him fast and maybe get some therapy

Thepeopleversuswork · 01/01/2025 14:02

Why on earth did you get married when you knew it was the wrong thing to do? If I've read this correctly you went ahead with it "to avoid embarrassment"??? You can't go through life like this. Decisions that could affect the rest of your life are more important than saving face.

You need to get a divorce. You haven't been married long so the financial element is likely to be reasonably straightforward. But don't fall victim to the sunk costs fallacy and allow yourself to be convinced you need to "work at" something which is palpably wrong. It's making you very unhappy so quit while you're ahead and leave.

I also recommend some therapy: it sounds like you have a great deal of trouble asserting yourself and you need to get this sorted?

Original poster
NewAccount1990 · 01/01/2025 14:02

@3luckystars - I have been reading about annulments and this is hopefully the route I'll take. There's few examples I can find, but the whole marriage was built on lies - so I'm hopeful it falls under one of the categories

OP posts:
3luckystars · 01/01/2025 14:00

The only worse thing than staying one year is staying 20 years.

You could probably get an annulment if there was loads of lies.

hockeysticks89 · 01/01/2025 13:58

I have admiration for those who have the courage to leave a bad situation quickly. If it's not right, trust your gut