Dh can’t play

Hi @Newyearnothingchanges it sounds like there’s a few things going on here, and you’ve had lots of good suggestions. I have no idea re ADHD but I did want to say I had to learn how to play with my DS from my MIL as my own mother (and probably father) just didn’t do the sort of getting on the floor with the little kids type of play. My mother even said she was pleased when I learned to read as then I was quiet and not needing interaction. Of course she was present and attentive in other ways but she herself said once I had DS ‘I don’t play like that’. So your DH may never have had it modelled to him and he genuinely doesn’t understand what’s being asked of him. I did lots of imaginative play on my own as a child but with DS I was able to join in. None of us is neurodiverse.

re board games - families approach them very differently. My DH’s family are incredibly collaborative and kind (and my MIL hates monopoly, though DS used to love it) and my DH dislikes some of the more competitive and judgmental attitudes from my family when he’s seen us playing board games. Just some food for thought - hope it helps. Does your DH have siblings and how do they play?

I agree with most of what you’re saying. I suppose my only question would be whether OP discussed what they would be doing for ‘fun’ on NYE with her DH or if she just went ahead and planned a night of board games without chatting to him about what he would have enjoyed. They could have just as easily had a fun family evening watching a movie, going for a walk, going bowling, arts and crafts at home etc. Did they decide together how to have a fun evening or did the OP just plan something without finding out if he was on board? Some people do hate board games, plus I can see why if you have a bad back a game with a physical aspect wouldn’t be ideal.

The game and enforced fun sound like hell to me. I don't blame him

He needs to do more with his DD and be more involved, I agree. I just don't think it's a massive deal if this doesn't take the form of playing games very often.

That’s great then, at least you know for sure it’s because he’s checked out and talking to someone else.

On the downside, then it just sounds like he’s fundamentally selfish. I’m not a board game/silliness person myself (Uno, at most) but you have to make an effort for your children.

My greatest heartbreak was that my DD hated colouring and reading, my favourite things as a kid 😭 but you just can’t and shouldn’t force them to. It’s play time, not Pyongyang.

Seriously???!

So your poor daughter received some new games for christmas and wants to play with her whole family and your husband just refuses everything?

You have to beg him to spend time with her. And when he finally does it is always one of his interests?

Your daughter also plays alone and with friends?

But your daughter when she wants to play with him she has to beg? And when he finally does agree to play he acts like a grump and says he has a sore back?

Just summarising as a lot of people have missed a lot of the info it seems.

I mean he does need to make more of an effort and play the games his daughter wants to play. Even if it is silly he cant make you do it all. As you said you dislike some of the games and you play them. Part of being a parent. Imagine making your child beg to play a boardgame with you.

"some people really cannot do it"

This is the case for me. I guess I'm not a playful person. Board games I can just about cope with, but any game where I have to play as if I were a child myself, I just can't do and team sports are totally impossible.
I don't have children of my own, but I don't think it would be a disaster if I did. I have other things to contribute.

My Mum didn’t do it much for us - my grandfather was the one who did it lots with us. My Mum, however, was brilliant at it with my DC. If you’re the GP and out of your own house, you don’t have the millions of obligations buzzing round your head that make surrendering to imaginative play easier.

It’s really hard when you’ve got piles of jobs to do, you’re thinking about the next meal, clearing up etc, to put your heart into to.

That said, if time has been put aside for “fun” like the OP’s NYE then it’s mean not to take part.

I don’t think so. ADHD can make it hard to focus on tasks you consider boring/ repetitive/ monotonous which I guess could relate to some kids games but I wouldn’t say the behaviour you’ve listed here sounds like it would have anything to do with adhd.

Yes me too! Put me down for c!

She didn’t like playing with her children so let other children come around so she didn’t have to bother.

It’s a case of not wanting to.

There are some men out there (and I’m not saying this to excuse them) who can’t bear the idea of doing anything that they haven’t fully chosen to do - that can’t see why they should ever have to put themselves out or make an effort. Who can’t see that this is part of being a parent.

Equally, these types don’t seem to be able to see an evening with their family as an event, as a commitment, that they need to put their game face on for and participate in.

I don’t know what the answer is. I divorced mine.

I'd rather chew my own arm off than play a board game, a game of trivial pursuit or uno are about my limit.

I'm also in my 40s with back issues, so know when I can jump about and when I can't. So totally possible he's in pain.

When my kids were little, I really couldn't "play" with them. Now they're tweens/teens we have an absolute blast, good laugh and it's great. But not a chance you'd have caught me sat down playing make believe games, barbies etc..

Also, you need to stop your 6yo ruling the house. She isn't the guide by which fun is measured, she's 6!!

Not an expert, but DP and two of my brothers have diagnosed ADHD (one brother is medicated, other brother and DP aren't and haven't been by choice since childhood) and they're not like this. It sounds more like depression.

Sign me up please! This sounds great!

Is it possible that your DH is just a bit of a selfish dick?

No, what's happening here is one parent making all the effort with their child and the other parent sitting around looking miserable.

Also, do you not expect parents to ever spend time with their child at the same time?

Some people don’t like board games or don’t really get ‘play.’ My mum was very much like this, I don’t ever remember her joining in with board games or toys or games outside etc. My Dad would.

Does he spend time with her in other ways? Watching a film? Reading a story? Going for a bike ride? Going for a walk? A day out? Doing baking or arts and crafts ta? What does he do on the computer? Would he play a 2-person video game like Mario Kart with her?

It’s important he spends quality time with his DD but it doesn’t have to be through playing a game!

We play games and still play games with our now adult kids.

Cards, monopoly, frustration, labyrinth, we can stay home and play and drink coffee and chat!

Im glad we made the effort to show them how to play, how to lose, the joy of playing out shines the winning!

DH would sit and let the girls out make up on him, have his nails painted, sit for a tea party and take the dolly’s for a walk.

No they don’t need us the join in, but why wouldn’t you?

I think this is an area where it's great if you can have both parents covering different bases between them and playing to their strengths.

DH does all the rough play, most of the board/card games and all the crafting homeworks. These are all things he's good at and either enjoys too or doesn't mind. They are also all things I would rather stick pins in my eyes than do (although I do join in with card games when camping).
Does this mean I don't do anything? Of course not! I do (with very little encouragement, because I enjoy it as much as DCs) all the Lego and Gravitrax stuff, teach skills like sewing and read to them most nights. It might not be my favourite ways to spend time, but I did most of the park and softplay trips and now I get involved with their chosen sports (ferrying around, preparing for events, and even doing qualifications to be able to help out). DH has little to no desire to do these things, and some he feels as strongly towards as I do about board games. That's fine, between us all bases are covered.

Obviously, if he has checked out generally this is another matter, but not wanting to do specific kinds of play is ok.