To divorce my husband just so I have to spend less time with my baby

The way you talk about your baby is worrying. If a man wrote the OP, everyone would be urging him to get away from the baby for its own safety. I’m prepared for the onslaught of “The OP is probably depressed” comments; that might well be true but I still think she needs to tell her husband how she’s feeling and get away from the baby.

Oh OP it’s SUCH a hard time in the parenting process. I remember feeling like this. You need a break, regular breaks in fact. It’s not easy but pleased don’t throw your marriage away or do something you will regret.

You can speak to your GP if you’re feeling down but honestly young babies are hard. I found mine got progressively easier at 6 months, 9 months, and 18 months. Could you consider getting a nanny to give you a break or other form of childcare? From 6 months my 3rd kid went to the Childminder a few hours a week.

OP, this is very normal and understandable reaction to the monumental upheaval of new motherhood. The feeling that you've made an appalling mistake is extremely common, but rarely spoken about.

I clearly remember telling my mum when ds was just a couple of months old that I couldn't believe that my life was now reduced to 'this'. It seemed utterly relentless - it was utterly relentless! And it it seemed impossible that there might be light at the end of the tunnel.

Please do speak to your HV and GP, they can help. Are you in a position to throw money at the issue - postnatal doula or night nanny perhaps? Divorce is very unlikely to be the answer, but sleep and time will probably help enormously.

It can be difficult to know in advance whether you have much of a maternal instinct.

I'm so sorry OP 💐 I very much felt the same when you did. FWIW I powered through (with lots of practical changes - I'll list them in a mo) my 5yo is sat fixated on a new hot-wheels track without a peep, and has been for the better part of 3 hours, so it does get better!

MN will hate it, but I went back to work 3 months in. DS went to nursery full time, I got a bit of myself back, and to this day I believe that was absolutely the best thing for both us. Can you do this, or even better do this and have a day or two to yourself (work 3 days, childcare 5 days)?

I'd second whoever above said swap with your DH and do the chores whilst he has baby.

And definitely see a GP and see what support they can give you. Other mothers don't always say it, but lots go through stages exactly like this x

Maternity leave in France is 12 weeks. In the US it's way less. Just because UK societal norms say you should take months doesn't mean YOU should.
No way I would have survived my first if I'd had to stay at home.
Go back to work. Build an amazing career. Don't think now is how it'll be forever.

Go back to work! I went back at 3 months after both of my ds and for the 1st I couldn't wait! it gets easier but there is no need to stay home if you hate it.. Focus on continuing your career and then if you need to divorce later you would be financially independant.

Mine are preteens now and i still regularly think what the fuck have i done. Having kids is bloody hard and nothing at all like what you think it'll be like. You can't send them back so you need to muddle through.

It might be PND or it might be you adjusting to a huuuge life change. Can you look at childcare options? That will be a lot cheaper than divorce.

Hey OP. Sorry to hear you are really struggling right now.
This stage is really in the trenches as far as babies are concerned.

Might I please ask OP, with the greatest possible respect, what exactly did you expect to happen when you had your baby?

Speak to your gp, but it's fine to go back to work, yes much of what you earn goes on child care but it means that you'll get time out of the house

Go back to work at 4 or 6 months
No need to be on mat leave longer than you need

Honestly, see a GP and go back to work. Reclaim some of yourself.

You’re in a very rough stage OP. The first few months can be relentless and unrewarding.

I think you need to consider the possibility that you’re experiencing PND. It can be hard to recognise while you’re in it but some of your comments are making me think it’s a possibility. I was adamant I didn’t have it and that my feelings were just the result of me having made the worse mistake of my life, until I received treatment and realised just how much the PND was affecting me.

I wouldn’t make any decisions at this stage, which is the hardest and least fun. Children get infinitely easier and more fun as they get older, and you get a lot more of your life back.

Talk to your husband about how you are feeling. Let him know you need a break and proper time to yourself. Build that into your routine. That means either time when you get to leave the house and do something entirely for yourself, or time when he takes the baby away for a couple or hours and lets you have time at home. You need that kind of a break at least a couple of times a week.

Hang in there. I absolutely promise it gets so much better.

I thought I’d ruined my life for the first 3 months of my baby. My husband doesn’t do even 1/3 of what yours does so that’s something you have at least.

In hindsight I had PPD and should’ve asked for help. Not bonding, thinking your life has been ruined etc are classic signs. Could also be hormonal as its a lot. I grieved my old life for a good year. It’s okay to grieve your old life and miss it btw, in case no one has told you.

OP have you spoken honestly to your DH about how you are feeling? I remember vividly the relentlessness of the first year, I was so sleep deprived I couldn't speak. It is an extreme reaction and I would be discussing options with your HV/GP to see what they suggest. Surely that's preferable to jumping to divorce?

Do you have the option to go back to work early and either do shared mat leave with your DH or childcare? I want to let you know it does get easier - I promise.

It's annoying when people say it's PND, I get it.

But this feels like PND due to the level of reaction- divorce and adoption etc, especially given your baby is still really small.

Without PND - this part is really fucking hard anyway.

I have a friend (who is in her 70s) whose mother walked out on her and her two siblings when she was 18 months old. Her father then couldn’t cope and they were brought up between grandparents and an aunt. My friend is lovely but definitely shows the results of this early abandonment. I’d try and avoid giving this trauma to your child if you can.

Baby is only 2-3 months old, it will get easier. In the meantime, what can DH do to help? Would his employer give him any paid time off if he took shared parental leave? Could he take 1 day a week annual leave to give you a break for the next few months? If you work some paid KIT days, could the family afford for him to reduce hours or take unpaid leave to facilitate? Could return to work earlier and use childcare?

I'd also maybe talk to your GP or health visitor about how your feeling. It's normal to feel off when your life is turned upside-down and everything is so hard, but hormones could also be making things worse.

Interesting outlook at this problem.

Can you switch? You do the washing, dogs etc and he looks after the baby?

Getting divorced really is a short sighted plan to deal with this. You dont want to be left on your own with the baby longer than you must. Get back to work full time asap, talk to your h and say you need him to be the primary carer and you'll sort the house etc.

Reading your updates - you need to speak to your gp urgently

OP, it sounds like PND because it sounds like you are struggling to bond with your baby. Speak to your GP.

I found things improved after the first 3 months in terms of the exhaustion and screaming. This bit is not forever at all.