To divorce my husband just so I have to spend less time with my baby

With DC2 if I could have handed him back I would have done for the first 18 months or more. Our marriage didn’t survive and he was a small contributing factor - I ended up with him 24/7 and he is bloody hard work - now 11 and still hard work but much much better than under 5. I was told it was PND, I don’t think it was looking back - it was having a very difficult child and having a very difficult husband who did anything rather than look after his child. Sometimes if we don’t bond or whatever (as we as women are supposed to we get told we are depressed) but you might be - I’m not a doctor.

Now divorced and did so when he was 1. My current partner (older and wiser and does much than 50/50 of household) finds him lovely but exhausting. But I now get breaks lots of breaks and I find him easier as I he isn’t a baby, he doesn’t need supervising etc

For example on Boxing Day it took a 15 mile walk (we all decided myself, my partner and our two over 18 children) to walk him until he was quiet. It took 7 hours. We went into the middle of nowhere and walked large sections of a coastal path, even 5 hours in he was still running, skipping, messing about - when he got home he was manageable. But normally he’s up at 5 am and like a firework. He didn’t sleep as a baby, he just didn’t sleep. Experts out, consultants involved - everyone had ‘something to try’ nothing worked. Even now aged 11 he walks an hour to school and an hour back just to calm him down. My ex husband is an extreme marathon runner - think 150 miles plus and has run across continents and countries. My ex husband thinks nothing of a 20 mile RUN to work and 20 mile run home. Son is the same. He needs to run everyday.

My empathy is all for you. What do you do for you? Where are your hobbies and time out of the house? Where is your break and holiday on your own?

If you can you need to tell your husband and your health visitor how you feel and not get fobbed off that it is PND, get a blood test, look at blood and thyroid levels etc and sleep. My son was an innocent baby but I struggled to bond with him- my sleep deprivation was pure torture 20 minutes maximum at a time.

You might not have family close by - mine were far away and useless. So build up a support network near you. NCT groups, church groups, ask for other mums and dads on Facebook.

It’s not an easy fix. Your daughter isn’t going anywhere and will always be your daughter. She won’t be a baby for ever.

I absolutely hated the baby stage and had a screamer non sleeper. It will get better, I adore them now and it’s so much fun.

ask him to watch while you go out / go to bed / have a bath. Take any time you can to be alone and rest

There is no need to stay off work for a year - go back to work and see if things improve once you have some time to yourself. Use a good nursery full-time and consider working less hours so you have time for yourself again.
You could well have pnd - you need to be happier yourself to have a well adjusted child.

Sounds really tough OP. I feel you, I've had one baby that was a delight and the other a colicky, refluxy, piece of haaaaaarrrd work, and she only wanted me.
We had no family around, so thankfully, I took some good advice before she was born to get a mother's help to help juggle the two.

Instead of divorcing, could you spend your money on a really experienced nanny to help with the baby?

Once they start walking they become a bit more fun, and by 18 months they will be down to one nap and there are lots of activities you'll be able to enjoy with them.

Xx

Your baby will get older. It won't be like this for the rest of your life.

I think you should talk to your gp or health visitor. X

Why does it have to be PND? Why can’t I realise this was a terrible mistake? If I could give her up for adoption tomorrow I happily would.

OP, I felt exactly like this. In fact, I remember saying this, almost verbatim, to someone close to me when my baby was a couple of months old. I genuinely didn't understand why people kept telling me I needed to see a Doctor and felt they weren't listening to me.

It turns out I did have PND, and PTSD. I was really very unwell indeed, so unwell that I had no insight into my illness. It was only once I had treatment and started to recover that I realised how unwell I was.

My children are older now, I love them dearly and am so glad I had them. Life is good.

Maybe you're right and how you feel is nothing to do with your Mental Health, but there is no harm in talking to your GP or HV to explore this. They won't judge, they will have spoken to many new mothers who feel as you do.

OP, when I had PND I remember thinking “I WISH I had PND, I don’t, I just hate doing this and want to be alone again or back to being pregnant”. It was PND, denial is a symptom. Please get help, my DD is now 11 and I have overcome a lot and we have an amazing bond, I’m so pleased I never left (like you it was a serious consideration). I just needed a break and to have time to recover and help from the GP (which I didn’t get out of pride which just made it go on for longer)

OP take time for yourself please.

I had these thoughts in the first year with an IVF much wanted baby. She’s almost 3 and it does get better. You do adjust to the change I promise.

I also had PND for the first 2 years, it wasn’t easy and I have a DH that does understand that it’s not something I can control. I love her more than life itself and have a responsibility to her to give her the best life possible. But I didn’t think k I would ever

The first year is wild, if you can go back to work early and reclaim some of yourself then do it! It’s relentless and pretty boring in the first year if you don’t love the newborn/baby stage, not everyone does!

You could go back to work and put the baby in nursery. It’s less extreme than divorce and you get some adult time.

Not everyone is cut out for 24 hours a day parenting.

I totally understand this. Honestly, it really does get better. The first few months are a total write-off. I do think switching over with your DH so you're doing chores and not looking after the baby would be better. Sounds like you have a great DH, so while those feelings are completely natural, it won't actually solve your problem. In the meantime, see if you can get out for a few hours without her today. Don't feel bad about this, babies are bloody hard work and you're coming to terms with a big change.

No-one has says it has to be PND.

Visit your doctor and let them decide.

You sound like you're having real trouble bonding with your baby.

Perhaps some more time apart from each other would help you to come to like your baby, let alone love her. Are you able to afford a regular day time nanny?

All these people saying "what did you expect" etc...how does anyone know what to expect? No-one does, don't be ridiculous.

Don't feel sorry for the baby. This is a mother who clearly recognises that something isn't right, so is trying to rectify it. And hopefully will find a way of doing so without resorting for the nuclear option.

Okay firstly calm down it's hardly the rest of your lives! Babies don't stay babies forever. They get older and go school then eventually grow up. I know how hard it is believe me I have twin babies and no family support. But evsn though its hard before you know it they are not babies anymore. You may have post partum depression. I think you should speak to your GP about how you are feeling.Could you not return to work part time now so you could put her in nusery for a bit? And when she is 2 you will get free nursery hours so will get a break then.

Exactly my thoughts, just read through all of OP’s posts and sounds like she’s serious in really not wanting the baby. I’m worried for this poor child.

A divorce won’t solve this issue. It will cause more misery.
I had PND twice. This sounds very much like PND.
Make an appointment with the health visitor or GP. Ask about PND.
it is possible to enjoy your marriage and your baby and there is help out there for that.

But your husband won't be able to do this if you divorce. You'll be doing some of it on your own

Parenting is the hardest job in the world. I teach a class of 5 to 7 years olds 5 days a week, and it’s nothing compared to parenting.

The relentless crying and demands ease eventually, but when you’re in the midsts of it, it feels overwhelming.

Divorce is extreme and I don’t think it would actually help because the days you have your dc, you’ll be alone.

Could you schedule in time alone every day, every other day or a whole weekend, regularly so that you know you have some time apart?

I would really try to seek out help, for your sake and that of your dh and dc.

Does anyone really know what to expect before having a first baby? I don’t think there is any way to truly prepare for what a huge upheaval it can be, and if you throw PND into the mix it can be an absolutely unprecedented overhaul of everything you ever felt or expected to feel. I don’t think it’s remotely helpful to act like everyone knows exactly what their getting from motherhood or blame women for not knowing in advance how they will feel.

Don't be a dick. And why?

Talking about having divorce just because of the baby when there is nothing wrong with your marriage and talking about adoption is major alarm bells of PND. You must speak to someone as soon as possible. You can get help from home start too. They are trained volunteers who can come and give you a break.

Yes. Classic PND.

I went back to work part-time when DD1 was 3 months old - it was so good feeling normal again. She is now 27 and I have no regrets.
Babies are both hard work and boring - it is just relentless. But it’s not for long as it does get easier.
But as previous posters have said, make an appointment with your GP.