Babies change. they become kids then teeens then young adults. For one thing they learn how to speak and that makes life so much easier.
you don’t get told as a perspective parent that you will HATE certain periods of your child’s development. That there will be stages you are magnificent at, and stages you are total crap at. Every parent will experience it differently, and generally they might even experience it different depending on the individual child.
I think you need to accept you are crap with young babies. I was. I tried to battle this and my lack of bonding. I ended up with PND first time round. Second time, I was ready. Realised I Don’t do babies and didn’t expect myself to. But I had the knowledge that the first 12 months goes a lot quicker than it seemed when in the middle of it first time around. I also got far more militant with my husband and ditched all this crap about protecting his sleep at the cost of mine because he was “working” whereas I was on maternity leave. It had cost me my mental health first time, and I wasn’t going to fall for that.
so much utter tosh is spoken about the “myth of motherhood”. In nature we accept many new “mum” primates or other animals (sheep fgs) abandoning their babies without much criticism and we step in or bring in adoptive “mum” animals to bottle raise and nurture. We accept that is how nature roles and some new mums can’t cope. Full stop. And have a strong instinct to ditch and run. It’s called survival. When it comes to humans, an arguable more difficult role, we expect human mums to be swept away without exception in a wave of instant binding and love and maternal dedication. Utter bollocks. Many mums like me, and it seems you, never bond totally with young baby , find it total unsatisfying and brain numbingly dull. And soul destroying.
BUT, for me turning point was when they started to talk (or at least babble) and their curiosity began to develop. By 18 months I was in love with my kids and mothering, I absolutely loved the toddler stage, all the why, why why, and could handle tantrums etc . Whereas some mothers will completely hate this stage and become so overwhelmed with their little cute baby turning into a wilful monster at times. And some parents are just bloody lousy and teaching and maturing toddlers who are pushing boundaries constantly.
same with teens, I did ok and was blesed with 2 DC whose rebellious streaks were relatively tame. Other parents are agian either lousy at this stage, or are faced with much more difficult situations where their lovely child is being influenced by their peer group of terrorists.
but then, my eldest turned pretty awful when at university . I could have thrown him out of the home multiple times towards the end of his uni vacations when he came back home💁🏼. He was, bluntly, a complete prick. he took till 26, a few live on girlfriends, and working and supporting himself to become a full grown pleasant and sometimes rather lovely human being again.
the bottom line is humans take 25 years to develop properly. We as parents have no prior training and experience. We are not all good at same stuff. There’s going to be 26 years of change in terms of how you feel about your child and they respond to you. Nothing will stay the same for more than a couple of years, before they hit another stage of brain development and change again, and you’re left scrabbling around trying to figure out how to change to meet this new era.
please hang in there. this is now. It will NOT last. You are experiencing all the emotional pull of survivors Instinct to cut and run. Accept that. Fight it. You don’t have to like it. Stop lying to people that you do anything but hate it and are crap with babies. Sure, it might shock them, but it will raise their awareness you can’t keep going as it is.
If your partner isn’t stepping up they’re not going to do that if you walk out. Your baby is 4 months old, so very early stages. They need you more than you need them right now. Don’t expect to bond and love them unconditionally. They do that with you and it’s enough. See it as a military campaign of 9-12 moms. (Which you’re 3 months into) and you just need to get through 1 day at a time.
but, first get to your Gp or health visitor and get checked for PND.
THEN talk to your husband and TELL him what he needs to do, precisely, days, hours, times. And tasks. Don’t ask him. Wirte it down if needed. Tell him if he doesn’t do this you will become ill with PND or stress and he’ll have to take time off work completely to stop in completely. He’s not helping you. He’s raising his kid
if you’re still breast feeding exclusively, well done you, but think hard now about bottle at least in combo.
if husband doesn’t take his tasks on board, once on bottle, book yourself into a hotel overnight at weekend when dh isn’t working . Get up on that morning, deposit baby IHT dh and walk out. Once out text him saying you need space for 36 hours, tell him your safe, want baby to be safe so need this and tell him you’ll be home afternoon of Sunday. . Get to hotel, sleep, watch tv, go round shops, go for walks whatever to find a bit of you. It’s a crash course for dh, he’ll probably screw some stuff up, not do it your way, but baby will survive and he’ll be a better parent a bit towards end. Don’t do it in anger. When you text say sorry that you need this. For yours and babies safeguarding.
Once you’ve done that, and he’s recovered from shock of it then look for mums and toddler groups etc to get yourself outside the house and have a laugh about the drudgery of nappies, sick, etc . You’ll find a tribe of mums who like you hate the small baby time .
it is difficult without a relative nearby who can come in for a few hours. I know this, my parents and ILS were 200 and 400 miles away. No sisters. No relatives nearby. It’s so hard. But it is not uncommon and not solely the reason why you feel as you do. But linking up with other adults for a few hours a week to grab an adult conversation between your child’s demands can help to make you feel human agian. And away form drudgery
when I was having kids, maternity leave was 6 months “only”. I was out of it with PND for most of it, but somehow at around 5 months things started to change with my baby, And I began to feel more “me” a bit,.. by 6 months I was ready to get back into work (part time). Going back to work was a blessing and game changer. I became me agian, it finally put the PND to bed, baby thrived with a lovely childminder way better at babies than me, husband realised he couldn’t dump on me and expect me to do nights all the time becuase I was now”working” too at a more demanding job than him. Made him pull his socks up. But also I think men often find it hard to bond with baby the,selves during first 6 months due to intensity of baby mother bond . It’s difficult enough for some mums, but many dads start to relate to baby once they get to 6 months a bit more deeply. So, if you are still hating it by 6 months, look at approaching work to go back in on reduced hours..for you that can be a life changer and make all the difference. Ignore the gaps of horror and “how could you leave your baby at such a young age” from the perfect mummy brigade. It’s called survival. It’s called a happy mum makes a happy baby. It’s called “normal” for women having babies in 1990s, and kids they had seemed to have less mental health issues than current wave of kids at school….not that this is cause, but child care at 6 months doesn’t make for messed up babies.
please do just hang it. Talk to someone on how you feel. Honestly. It doesn’t make you a bad mum, just one that doesn’t do babies. You’re time as a mum is to come, it’ll come faster than you expect. Time is dragging now becuase it day is same, and nothing you can visualise to look forward to. It will change. Change is constant when raising kids.