To divorce my husband just so I have to spend less time with my baby

Lots of us think wtf have I done. Dig in, your baby won’t be a baby forever and I now have a 5 and 8 year old. Separated from their dad who had them 4 nights a month. I don’t care it’s not 50/50. I don’t want that. But I would have when they were babies.

My DD screamed a lot! I was exhausted. I used to wish I'd become seriously ill just so I could go to hospital and sleep...or I remember thinking I wish I was a criminal and would be put in prison because I could sleep if I was in prison! She's a teenager now and brings me more happiness then I could have ever imagined.

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling like this OP. The first year really is relentless. Gently, please go and speak to your GP or a health visitor about how you're feeling or do you have an Employee assistance plan via work? They often have counselling which is available even if you're on Mat leave. It sounds very overwhelming for you.

Next - have you considered the screaming might be something medical e.g colic, allergies etc... again if you speak to the GP they might be able to investigate. I say this as the mum of a baby who had a milk allergy and screamed solidly for the first 3 months till we got alternative milk prescribed.

Is DH aware of how you're feeling? Does he pull his weight? Have you told him what you're thinking. Nobody is a mind reader so you need to share your thoughts, feelings and wants in order to gain the help.

Have you got any other 'mum friends'? Do you go to any classes or anything, getting out of the house and seeing people saved me during Mat leave as otherwise I'd have gone mad just the two of us at home all day.

Please be kind to yourself, it sounds like you need someone to talk through everything with

I felt exactly the same way with DS. He was a tough baby.
I got some GP support and asked my DH to step in. 20 years later he is our pride and joy. Things WILL change.

It is more likely PND. Why would you not give yourself a chance to try?

You would need to pay child maintenance etc etc, life would not be as rosy as you think.

Don't make permanent solutions to temporary problems.

They do stop screaming.

Try temporary solutions first - childcare.

I put mine to a childminder as soon as I could and just slept in that time.

I’m pleased you have a supportive DH. He sounds great. It does sound like you need to speak to someone and get some help for how you are feeling.

I do remember feeling like I’d made a big mistake when they were that age too. It takes a while to adapt.

Can you do something for yourself in the evening when DH is helping. A class, gym, book club, see friends?

you don’t have to do the full maternity leave.

divorce is a bit drastic. Have you looked into shared parental leave? You go back to work and he does the remaining 3 months of “mat” leave?

have you looked into childcare so you can go back to work earlier? Or can you afford a childminder/babysitter a few hours a week do you can get a break?

I’m sure your rational brain knows what you have written is extreme, OP. You can’t hear your rational voice because you are sleep deprived, gone through the trauma of childbirth (even births in water with whale music and candles are physically traumatic - you passed a baby through your vag FFS)

I can absolutely guarantee every mother reading this will have, at more than one point of the parenting experience, thought WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK HAVE I DONE

Theres no point in saying it gets better because in this moment you can’t picture the longer term.

But please just keep on buggering on. One day at a time. Buy in help if you need it, get your partner to take parental leave so you can SLEEP.

Do you have to divorce him to afford the flat? If not, you could stay together but live separately?

Go back to work and find childcare would be a better solution.

alao speak with your gp and HV about how you are feeling.

Why does it have to be PND? Why can’t I realise this was a terrible mistake?
Because you are probably sleep deprived and everything feels worse with that. Your hormones will likely still be all over the place. You may as well see a GP or healthvisitor to rule out PND if nothing else.

I also think you need to speak to your GP. Does DH know how you feel?

How about you walk the dog or whatever and your DH does the childcare so you have a break.

She won't always be this small and she will stop crying.

OP you are genuinely saying the exact same things I did 8 years ago. I was googling how to give a baby up for adoption. I promise you it gets so much easier and really quickly too. Right now is impossibly hard but you can and will get through this. Talk to your midwife and GP, I found just telling someone about it helped a little.

Sounds like PND to me
Why do you think it isn't?
See your GP

You will have a child for the rest of your life yes....but you won't have a baby for the rest of your life. She will grow up and things will improve significantly. This is the tough bit but it's temporary. Ending a happy marriage is really extreme.

Can you afford some childcare?

You’re not alone. I felt like this for the first couple years of my child’s life. Eventually it got less mind numbingly boring when she got to 3 or so. I highly recommend going back to work as soon as you can!

It sounds tough OP but divorcing him is quite an extreme reaction. You need to speak to him and healthcare professionals about how you feel.

I get it - it’s unfair that he gets a break at work (and carries on there like nothing happened, no impact on his career.!)

What about returning to work early? You could find a childminder or nursery. Many women go back to work with young children. Remember the childcare costs are split between you, they don’t just come out of your wage. And you need to split drop offs etc and housework 50:50.

I promise it gets better. You sound like you may have some form of PND OP? Have you spoken to health visitor?

It's very early days. It will get a lot better. Trust me.
You need support and some time away on the weekends.

Please go see your GP or Health Visitor

In the meantime, please try tell your husband you need time every day to be on your own without the baby. Even if it’s just an hour, get out of the house. Go to the gym, go for a walk, go wander around Tesco, go to a coffee shop and read a book- anything.

It does get better.

Good luck

So we are stuck with this for the rest of our lives.

She won't be a baby forever. And the screaming stage sounds like a particularly difficult time but it won't last.

Get her into nursery, and see the GP/HV

I think it's your GP you need to see not a divorce lawyer.

I know exactly how you feel and I recognise now I was exhausted and unwell.

It does get better. But right now you need GP and at least an hour to yourself every day.