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Assertive ways to stop giving/receiving so many birthday and Christmas presents in 2025.

40 replies

AssertiveWordsToStopPresents · 01/01/2025 11:54

AIBU to ask for assertive and clear ways, words, ideas to stop giving (and receiving) birthday and Christmas presents for the majority of friends and family in 2025. DD turned 18 last year. I have decided I will continue to buy birthday and Christmas presents for friends with children under 18 until they turn 18. Then stop and buy them a 21st present (Final present). Everyone else (except my Mum) I will not buy presents for unless they have a BIG birthday (for example my sister is 50 next year) or I am seeing/spending time with them in person. I have thought long and hard about this and would really appreciate some constructive suggestions about when/how I communicate this to my friends and family. My reasons are - the whole present buying, wrapping, giving has become totally overwhelming, expensive and stressful. I (expect to get flamed for this!) always give more than I receive and sometimes I am buying/giving things because of a sense of duty/obligation. It is not always coming from the heart and that doesn't sit well with me. I always give more than I get - sometimes stuff I receive is clearly regifted and/or thoughtless. I want to simplify my life. Have less stuff/clutter. I do not need anymore candles, smellies, purses which other people clearly don't want either as they have in some cases palmed off last year's unwanted gift from other people onto me. Two people said "I know you don't have time to read (I don't) but I got you a book" One of them added "I'll read it when you've finished it." Some adult family members never even say thank you for the presents even though they are things they like. It has all become madness and I am tired of it/want to do things differently. Same with Christmas cards - apart from one couple who always send a really nice update about their lives - if I haven't seen/heard from you since your last Christmas card then really, what is the point? Next year I really want to go away for Christmas/New Year with DD and have a total break from it all (my family is quite dysfunctional/controlling and I have little in common with them). Spending time with them (this is always expected) is not fun and is pretty stressful for me. OK for DD. Please can anyone help me do things differently in 2025 i.e. set boundaries / limits. Thank you if you have read all of this. Writing this has been helpful/therapeutic for me - I know what I want (cut down on birthday/Christmas presents/cards and go away next year/be free from all duty/obligation without feeling guilty). How do I communicate this clearly and effectively? Happy New Year x

OP posts:
BlueBell50 · 01/01/2025 12:53

Going forward I now only buy for a new baby when they are born, first Christmas & first birthday so I don’t get dragged into buying for increasing number of family & friends children.

Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 01/01/2025 12:51

I told several friends l wouldn't be buying for their kids and in return, don't expect them to buy for mine. Everyone accepted it - easy.
One friend always says how she never knows what to get my child so l say don't bother and neither will l but she keeps going so l get her kids a bog standard selection box --in the hope next year she will decide it's not worth it

Conkers2 · 01/01/2025 12:49

Please be clear with people but also take into consideration people who may not recieve many gifts.

I frequently used to be on the receiving end of many moans from people about how they couldn't cope with the number of gifts they got so they were going to cut it off, while I recieved very few.

Gradually as I aged, people started just buying for the kids or saying "let's not do it this year" and a few years my present pile dwindled to zero. I also don't have children which felt like a particular kick when it was declared "we will just do children"

People without partners are especially vulnerable to this. Don't get me wrong it's not about the presents, but just to feel important and thought about by people.

Completely understandable from my friends point of view, but as my siblings, best friends etc declared it all to much I got left behind

Just be sensitive if you are talking of being overwhelmed by stuff that some people might not be. I've since noticed it happening to some older family members

TherealmrsT · 01/01/2025 12:48

For friends just said shall we stop? Appreciate the presents but it's getting difficult to know what to get so shall we buy ourselves something we want with the money? (All said yes).
With family adults...shall we limit to £10 token presents? One side said yes, the other said let's stop.
Kids get chocolate and cash (nieces/nephews and their kids)
Non immediate family kids I gave more cash at 18 but told them it was the last present.

Randomontheinternet25 · 01/01/2025 12:41

I sent polite txt / WhatsApp in October saying we have enough things and we wouldn't be doing presents apart from for children. No issues ( or random tat!) from friend or family

socialdilemmawhattodo · 01/01/2025 12:36

Just be clear, early enough in the year. I now have very few friends with children under 18. Some of whom we've never done presents. Others I continued until 21 - just let my friends know. Friends have just naturally stopped at 18 for my DC. I am part of a small family and we've just about stopped. So Christmas cards are my next target to reduce. I'm stopping distant relatives from next year. Put a note in this years card with full contact details. It's really helped me to simplify.

Cynic17 · 01/01/2025 12:20

With kids it's easy - pick an age and stick to it.
With adults, agree to ditch all presents and spend the money saved on meeting up for coffee/lunch/theatre/football match/whatever. It means you don't have a house full of junk, and you also have plans to spend some fun time with friends or family. Most people are thrilled when you suggest it.

Lunaballoon · 01/01/2025 12:16

You have to be quite firm. Some people just can’t seem to get out of the habit/are afraid of seeming mean. Just say it directly, i.e “now the nephews/nieces etc are over 18, I’m no longer buying presents and please don’t get any for me.” Maybe a reminder before Xmas etc.

SpanThatWorld · 01/01/2025 12:15

I think not giving presents is easy, as is "only giving to the under 11s" but the rest of your caveats are far too complicated. Big birthdays, seeing/spending time with, 21st after nothing for 19th and 20th...

Keep it simple.

Sherwil16 · 01/01/2025 12:13

My friends and I agreed to stop buying birthday presents a couple of years ago. I've gradually reduced present buying and receiving for adults in my family to birthdays only. I currently buy birthday and Christmas presents for the children. I'm hoping to reduce further next year to no adult birthday presents. What a relief it has been and will be as we're a huge family.

ExtraOnions · 01/01/2025 12:13

We do family Secret Santa for adults .. and people are added once they turn 18 (though I do still send cash to even at 18 .. because I want to)

Always buy a birthdate present, but mindful to give something useful.

Present giving should be about enjoyment, if it’s not enjoyable don’t do it. It should also not be about what you get in return .. down that path lies misery

HowToDressYourDaughter · 01/01/2025 12:09

I don't think it was discussed when I turned 18. Gifts just stopped, I remember being surprised but my mum explained I was turning 19 and it was because I was an adult. Still got a card. Do you need to "inform" anyone?

Soozikinzii · 01/01/2025 12:05

We only buy for the children now or it does get ridiculous. We did have a family secret santa for the adults but thats fizzled out now .

ObtuseMoose · 01/01/2025 11:59

I just outright told people we weren't buying cards and gifts this year. It wasn't a big deal, and everyone understood our reasons. There's no need to do anything else than just tell them.

Cherrysoup · 01/01/2025 11:58

I’d just message well in advance of events to say ‘I’m no longer doing presents for birthdays/Christmas except for little ones’. Dead simple. At the same time, say ‘Let’s not do presents anymore, we buy what we want throughout the year so it’s a waste.’ I told a friend I wasn’t doing presents this year. It’s pointless, she gets me an Amazon voucher, I get her similar, it’s just stupid.