To think my marriage is over

I just felt an enormous sense of peace once he went.
Obviously the children were upset, but it spared them being exposed to his toxic behaviour for more than a few hours pw.
He has much more of a social life than me now, but I am truly happy and at peace.
I eventually met someone else, but found my own happiness long before that of you know what I mean.
Mine are older teens/ nearly adults now, and they have talked to me about the fact that they love dad and are glad they have a relationship with him, but are glad that I protected them from his toxic nonsense being in their lives 100% of the time.
I honestly believe that although the breakup is of course upsetting for the children, Equal upsetting is being witness to or subject to emotional abuse, having a mum with poor mental health because of how she is treated etc.
I think the biggest thing I felt was grieving for what I hoped my marriage might have been, but jot what it ever actually was.

@Fastforwardayear I don’t think you do need to think about it. Your ‘revenge’ and satisfaction should be a life well lived, your life well lived. It’s so new and raw now though and your thoughts will be very mixed up.

I know a couple who divorced. She stayed single and very bitter, which blighted her life. He moved on and married the OW. From the outside it looked like he came off better than his ex, but it was all for show. He had to change so many things to suit his much younger wife and her children, he had to compromise his former lifestyle and hobbies. He neared retirement, she retrained and took on a brand new independent life, he got lonely. It wasn’t the exciting new life he’d foreseen for himself, but he did his best to keep up appearances.

You’re unlikely to know the truth about your ex’s real thoughts in the future, so focus on yourself.

I suppose it would be good to know others who have been in this situation and what the outcome was in the end?

@Fastforwardayear but would it really? Some might wish they'd carried on in silence being miserable but hanging on to the status quo and others will have positively thrived. None of them will have lived your life.

I think you hit the nail on the head about talking to someone who can help build up your confidence.

I'd like to hear you absolutely confident that you are moving upwards because the way this man has treated you and what he's become, is absolutely not good enough for you. He was, but he isn't now. He's become someone you don't really recognise, he's bringing you down.

You don't want this man how he is now. You've said that yourself. Keep rereading the thread, you've had some good observations and advice. Maybe start a new thread in relationships asking how people navigating divorce and rebuilding life are managing and what they wish they'd know, or their top tips.

@Fastforwardayear there is a saying that forbidden fruit is sweeter, but of course, as soon as it's no longer 'forbidden' that's off the menu.

One thing I would urge of you, or anyone reading this, who is in a similar position, please stop taking ownership of his faults and difficulties. You haven't engineered this situation and you won't be an impact on his future happiness or how he lives his life. He will cease to be your problem.

Look forward and look to your own happiness.

Because the grass is always greener at first until reality sets in and he starts to hate things about her and she him, things never stay rosy for long and it’s only people who really want to stay together that put the work in and stay together otherwise they just spend life drifting and sounds like he isn’t capable of putting in the work with anyone so I honestly wouldn’t worry too much, I bet in years time when you’re fine he’ll still be drifting through different relationships and never actually having anything meaningful so just make your life the best it can be now.

I'm so sorry OP. I've skim-read all your posts but not the replies, and honestly I could be writing this, especially all the going out doing his own thing, and the horrendous teeth. Not to mention being able to manipulate counsellors. I had exactly that experience and I felt like I was going mad. Me and you both, we're single mothers stuck in an unhappy marriage and we are worth so much more than this. Forget his 'good' features and move on and away from this terrible man.

That's good.

Anonymous places like this are a help, but real life support is important too.

You'll be better off without him. It's shit now, but will get better

I doubt it's one of these grass is greener situations. He was living the life of a single man with zero responsibilities when he was with you.

You've now decided you're better than this and have dumped the prick.

He's probably not even that interested in this other woman, he's just trying to upset you.

If you can, just see him as a co-parent. Don't rise to him when he talks about other women. Grey rock technique is helpful here as mentioned before.

I know you're getting lots of support here, but do you have support in real life?

Talking Therapies is really good for this and you can refer yourself online. There is usually a waiting list but you'll be busy creating your new life while you wait anyway!! Good luck OP!

Please do find a counsellor just for you, and make use of that hour a week to talk through things and begin to make some sense of it and re-discover the 'real you'.

The first time around it was only for a few months, probably less than 6 and I wasn’t super obsessed. It’s important to say though, it was a DV situation and I wasn’t in love anymore. I was fixated because I also have a history of ED and poor self-esteem.

The second time it happened was a very different context and I was 100% blindsided - I was looking up this person multiple times a day looking for explanations or what she had to offer because it was so out of the blue for me.

Then I saw an unfiltered video lol and it helped a lot. I also went to counselling for about 6 months. I’m not 100% over the cheating but she has no effect on my self worth anymore, it feels like a bit of a distant memory.

OP It's a difficult lesson to learn but there's a vast difference between being alone, and being lonely. I think there's nothing lonelier than being married to a man who clearly doesn't care about you.

And, if the man in your life regularly makes you feel sad, neglected, confused - then they just don't love you. The really don't.

That is NOT trivial. That is serious disrespect.

Just think, she’ll have to wake up to his bloody stained teeth and rotten breath this morning… good luck to her