To think my marriage is over

I know you feel terrible now OP, but in time you will be relieved that she's taken him off your hands and out of your hair. It will take time to feel better, but I guarantee you will.

But why is that the only thing that’s bothering you? What about his awful mistreatment of you and yours dcs for ages? What about abandoning you and your newborn? Never being present at home in fact actively avoiding you and his dcs? His gross personal habits? Him not caring that he’s upsetting you and gaslighting you into thinking you’re the problem? Sneaking around and lying/cheating on you under the guise of hobbies? The massive disrespect of involving your children in his deceit?

He has treated you abominably and you should be absolutely raging at his audacity.

I understand it’s v hurtful to know there’s an OW but it’s a good thing that you say you now won’t take him back as that’s a line crossed - it’ll give you resolve in sticking to your guns and not letting him back.

He may be really happy for a while. Leopards don't change their spots and sooner or later his real character will show through. Take a deep breath and dump his sorry ass. After getting all your ducks in the row in true mum's net fashion! Is this sort of marriage you would want for your children? Is this the sort of relationship you think it's healthy to model for them? Kick him to the curb you've got this.

You’re wanting too much too soon op.

If he hasn’t met someone else you probably wouldn’t be that bothered that he’s left. But finding out he’s been cheating with another woman and involving your children is a huge betrayal of trust not to mention it’s going to be a massive dent to your confidence and ego (which is already on the floor)

You say “how could he do this to me, I trusted him?” But c’mon op - you know he’s a lying, faithless pos - you’ve detailed his terrible behaviour here on this thread. This man has shown you completely who he is (a selfish, nasty, abusive bastard) for a while now and you’ve chosen to ignore his behaviour for the sake of staying with what you know and fear of the unknown.

The only thing that will help you get over this is time and possibly some therapy to work on your low self esteem. Just think about all the crap you’re not going to have to put up with from this man now - he’s the ow cross to bear now!

You and your dcs will end up so much happier without this toxic influence around but it’s going to take you time and self reflection to get over it. And pining over him and trying to convince yourself he was someone you need isn’t going to help you. Be kind to yourself for now - make sure you’re eating and drinking enough and just do whatever you need to do one day at a time. You are very hurt and confused and it’s going to take a while before you realise you really are better off without him.

I had a horrible breakup earlier in the year with a toxic man whom I’d only been seeing for 3 months and it’s taken me a really long time to get over it. I feel a lot better now but I still have moments of ruminating about it and feeling upset. I can recognise the reasons why it’s been so hard for me to get over though - I thought I was madly in love with him and he with me and then it turned out he was married. He basically ghosted me and then told his DW a lot of lies about what actually happened. He told me a lot of really big, shocking lies about his life that turned out to be bollocks. I feel that I was taken in by a charlatan and my trust was abused which massively fucked with my head and I felt like a suffered ptsd from his behaviour. I was so shocked and hurt and at first I wanted revenge and had very dark thoughts running through my head. But eventually I realised that would achieve nothing but making him think I was obsessed with him, so instead I comfort myself with the knowledge that someone that screwed up is never going to be happy inside and content with his life if he’s willing to go to such lengths to cheat, lie and lead a double life.

Im secure in the knowledge that I’m a good person who doesn’t lie and has the capacity love and treat people kindly and with respect. You are too op - it’s good that you don’t understand his behaviour bc YOU are decent and a good parent who behaves in a proper manner so what he’s done is incomprehensible to you.

He on the other hand is trash.

Ignore what his life will be going forwards if you divorce. He might be happier, he might regret his actions………. either way what he thinks/feels, what happens to him going forwards isn’t your concern anymore.

You are so used to prioritising his happiness over the years that you have totally lost sight of what is imporrant. Your sole focus needs to be on what is going to make you and the children happy going forwards, how can you make yours and the children’s lives fulfilled and contented.

I know it’s difficult but if you split then what is best for the children is both you and their Dad are happier in the future. You don’t make each other happy together. I know we want our ex to be miserable, their relationships to fail and for them to realise we were best for them and they ruined it all and lost us. But forget about him now, don’t torture yourself about his future without you.

100% focus on your future and your children’s.

Oh my god I just read your updates. You will get through this: this man has no dignity, is a liar, a cheater and fundamentally dishonest in his core. And arguably also a bad father for involving his children in his affair.

Use that has a reminder of why you will be better off. My ex did similar and my DD was too young to understand it or mention it. I honestly think it helps because it’s so horrendous it shows you who they are: it’s not on you, it’s 100% on him as a person.

Being with another woman isn’t the worst thing he’s done to you. Not by a long shot. The fact that you think it is is genuinely baffling to me.

I don’t know about that but even though this is so painful now in the long run you’ll be happier.

You will get through this, that he’s been seeing this other women is just another indication of how faithless and selfish he is.

You say he was great pre kids but im willing to bet that’s because you revolved your life around him and gave him all your time and attention . The moment you became pregnant and he had to give something vs taking - to support you, to step up as a father to be - then he became resentful.

He might be able to kid himself and this woman he can be a great guy with her but believe me it’ll have nothing to do with her and everything to do with him enjoying the attention he craves. She won’t be enough, you won’t be enough - doesn’t matter really, it’s all about him, how can it not be when he has spent the last six years doing all he can to avoid being a loving present husband and father?

Focus on yourself and the kids and that confident person you know is the real you. You’re going to be ok.

Some people will say yes. When something like this happens, it's like the end of your world but, when some time has passed and you're able to look back on it without hurt and upset, you can see it's the best thing that could have happened and has opened doors for you that you would never have imagine in your old life ❤️

I appreciate it's really awful for you right now but things will get better for you. Sending you love and strength to get through this @Fastforwardayear

If you haven't please sit down with him to see if you can reconcile your relationship. It does sound like you want to be with him if he changes.

I thought he had left?

Cry, scream, wallow, cry some more and then make a plan. Find a good therapist that can help you through this. Ducks in a row - the incredible women of mumsnet can explain what this entails better than me. Initiate the split. Do it all on your terms. Do not pander to his needs. If he's still in the house, move him into the spare room if you have one, no more cooking for him or washing his clothes etc.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Every time you feel upset just think of him farting, snoring, grunting and his bloody teeth.

You have to stop that, Fastforwardayear, he is in the wrong there. You are still living together, it's very confusing for your children.

This man, your husband, to whom you devoted years and born him children, is treating you so casually, it makes my blood boil.

His new woman is not better than you, how could you think that, she is just new and doesn't know him properly. Living with him would give her a completely different perspective and I doubt it would last long. Does she know about his sleep apnoea and what that is like to live with, his bloody teeth too (I couldn't work out why he had blood on his teeth, could be gum disease I suppose - that''s not nice) ?

He's an appalling waste of space and once he has cleared off, you will start to feel better. It's obvious he has been chipping away at your self respect for years but you must build up your confidence and have faith in yourself again.

Good luck.

Read this again from @Crikeyalmighty

OP - this isn't about you being worthless- he's just a shallow man who wanted the ego buzz of 'fresh blood' someone who thinks he's great, laughs at his jokes, makes no domestic demands etc- the minute that gets old with someone new and he realises the grass isn't greener, there is a very high chance he will repeat the pattern . I doubt very much it's you -
Look back in a years time and I wouldn't be suprised if you wonder what you saw in him - women who are with these arses often feel like this- the thought of a split is worse than the actuality .

@Fastforwardayear you loved a version of him, but now he's shown you who he is and do you want that version? No.

This is not about you at all, it's about him, his personality, how he's prepared to treat you and his children and what a disappointment that is.

Read back at some of the things you've said about him, you should not be thinking 'what have I done wrong' Shake your head and think 'what a let down he is'

This could have been me when I split up with my ex. We didn’t have children, but he changed when he set up his own business. We lived on my wages for two years whilst he built the business up and he became more and more detached and treated me with contempt at times, despite the fact that I helped him with the business whilst working full time. When we split up, he cited my lack of support as a reason for divorce, but swore he hadn’t met anyone else. I had counselling at the time because, like you, I wanted to know what I could have done differently, and why I wasn’t enough for him. My self esteem was rock bottom and I felt completely unlovable. The counsellor was so helpful in encouraging me to realise that I am enough, I am worthy and lovable, and the split wasn’t all down to me. Incidentally, I did find out that my ex was having an affair, had been hiding money, and basically shafted me both emotionally and financially! Twat! Strangely enough, the day after we separated, my libido came back with a vengeance! (Sorry if that’s TMI!). You WILL come through this! 💕

Keep thinking what you’d tell a friend in this position . X

@Fastforwardayear she isn't better - she's just 'fresh' - time isa great healer OP - but it will make you wiser- don't let a bloke be your everything -and don't blindly trust and I say that with a heavy heart