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Original poster

To think my marriage is over

535 replies

Fastforwardayear · 01/01/2025 10:59

So I have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. Have 2 children aged 4 and 7 and since they came along I have been so lonely. DH is out most night of the week and doesn’t help with much at home. He spends weekends away at various events and thinks that this behaviour is ok. It might be for some people but it isn’t for me. This is not how I thought family life would be. The resentment has built up that much I can’t stand the thought of being intimate with him and he doesn’t feel he needs to change anything to gain that back so I honestly feel we are at a loss. I do love him very much but really, is that enough?. The thought of him meeting somebody else really hurts but I still think that alone isn’t enough to keep us together.

OP posts:
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Original poster
Fastforwardayear · 06/01/2025 15:46

Trumptonagain · 06/01/2025 15:38

As long as you're happy that he won't get to comfortable living there and he doesn't have the thoughts that it's fine to leave you and his DC living with your parents indefinitely.

Hopefully he won't be as nasty as to let the OW be there to often either.

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She will probably move in. He has already shown me the person he is.

OP posts:
Trumptonagain · 06/01/2025 15:38

Fastforwardayear · 06/01/2025 15:26

Yes rent free just needs to pay all bills

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As long as you're happy that he won't get to comfortable living there and he doesn't have the thoughts that it's fine to leave you and his DC living with your parents indefinitely.

Hopefully he won't be as nasty as to let the OW be there to often either.

Original poster
Fastforwardayear · 06/01/2025 15:26

Trumptonagain · 06/01/2025 15:24

And would he drag his heels about selling effectively stopping you moving on with your life?

Would he live there rent free and instead pay all the bills that need paying?

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Yes rent free just needs to pay all bills

OP posts:
Trumptonagain · 06/01/2025 15:24

Fastforwardayear · 06/01/2025 15:14

Before. He can move back into here until the house sells

Edited
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And would he drag his heels about selling effectively stopping you moving on with your life?

Would he live there rent free and instead pay all the bills that need paying?

Original poster
Fastforwardayear · 06/01/2025 15:14

Trumptonagain · 06/01/2025 15:12

Will this be before or after you sell the house?

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Before. He can move back into here until the house sells

OP posts:
Trumptonagain · 06/01/2025 15:12

Fastforwardayear · 06/01/2025 15:05

Yes. The kids and I will move to my parents and I can save up and start to rebuild my new life.

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Will this be before or after you sell the house?

Original poster
Fastforwardayear · 06/01/2025 15:05

Trumptonagain · 06/01/2025 14:47

As OW is involved for me there would be no going back so this would be my thoughts, not necessarily move back in with my parents as my own space, with the DC of course, would be important to me in the circumstances right now.

I'd definitely start getting organised at home, have a declutter, ask tell STBX as he's made his choice he may as well start moving his stuff out as you feel it's time for you to move on with your own life and get the house ready to sell.

Yes. The kids and I will move to my parents and I can save up and start to rebuild my new life.

OP posts:
Trumptonagain · 06/01/2025 14:47

As OW is involved for me there would be no going back so this would be my thoughts, not necessarily move back in with my parents as my own space, with the DC of course, would be important to me in the circumstances right now.

I'd definitely start getting organised at home, have a declutter, ask tell STBX as he's made his choice he may as well start moving his stuff out as you feel it's time for you to move on with your own life and get the house ready to sell.

Original poster
Fastforwardayear · 06/01/2025 14:27

I am thinking of moving back to my mum and dads with the kids. Sell me his and get somewhere of my own. Too many memories and he also feels entitled to come in whenever he likes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fastforwardayear · 06/01/2025 14:18

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 06/01/2025 13:26

My darling, you will come back bigger, better, stronger and more fabulous than ever.

Meanwhile your piece of shit, waste of skin husband will be cheating on the OW and making her life hell.

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I cannot tell you how many times I have read this post.

OP posts:
AMurderofMurderingCrows · 06/01/2025 13:26

Fastforwardayear · 06/01/2025 13:16

Yes. I have recognised I am using it as a crutch and need to do something about it. I just can’t wait to show the kids that I will come back from this.

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My darling, you will come back bigger, better, stronger and more fabulous than ever.

Meanwhile your piece of shit, waste of skin husband will be cheating on the OW and making her life hell.

Original poster
Fastforwardayear · 06/01/2025 13:16

Hollietree · 06/01/2025 13:02

We’re here for you @Fastforwardayear whenever you need a vent or a handhold. Allow yourself to grieve, to come to terms with this big upheaval in your life. It sounds like he’s been doing this for a long time behind your back, whereas this is all new and huge for you. Just be careful with the wine x

Yes. I have recognised I am using it as a crutch and need to do something about it. I just can’t wait to show the kids that I will come back from this.

OP posts:
Hollietree · 06/01/2025 13:02

We’re here for you @Fastforwardayear whenever you need a vent or a handhold. Allow yourself to grieve, to come to terms with this big upheaval in your life. It sounds like he’s been doing this for a long time behind your back, whereas this is all new and huge for you. Just be careful with the wine x

Original poster
Fastforwardayear · 06/01/2025 12:43

Mumsnet at its best! Thank you all so much

OP posts:
YourGladSquid · 06/01/2025 12:43

Fastforwardayear · 06/01/2025 09:12

He seems to be ok as he obviously checked out years ago. I look like shit and cannot stop crying.

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It it helps you feel even a little bit better, in the weeks that followed finding out, I had eyes the size of golf balls from crying and not one, not two, but three cold sores from the stress 🫠

Original poster
Fastforwardayear · 06/01/2025 12:42

Motherbear44 · 06/01/2025 12:23

Awww I wish I could hug you. We all cope in different ways. Too much wine is one way. Too much wine accompanied by too much chocolate would probably be my way. There will be a 'new normal'. I hated that term when we first started hearing it, but I think there are times that it does apply.

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Thank you

OP posts:
Motherbear44 · 06/01/2025 12:23

Fastforwardayear · 06/01/2025 12:18

I get that but I am not very happy at the minute. Drinking too much wine etc that’s not who I am. Today is the start of a new week and I am going to find better coping mechanisms. I will get through this!

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Awww I wish I could hug you. We all cope in different ways. Too much wine is one way. Too much wine accompanied by too much chocolate would probably be my way. There will be a 'new normal'. I hated that term when we first started hearing it, but I think there are times that it does apply.

Original poster
Fastforwardayear · 06/01/2025 12:18

Motherbear44 · 06/01/2025 12:10

I am sorry that you are feeling upset OP - but you really are much better off without a man who has to wait until Christmas morning to get hold of wrappings for gifts he was planning to give to the OW and her family.

It will take time to settle into your new way of life, but you will. Gradually you will notice details and ask yourself 'why did I put up with .......'. Remember that the children will also be happier around a happier you.

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I get that but I am not very happy at the minute. Drinking too much wine etc that’s not who I am. Today is the start of a new week and I am going to find better coping mechanisms. I will get through this!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fastforwardayear · 06/01/2025 12:16

Iamnotalemming · 06/01/2025 11:18

I think it means he is an emotionally immature selfish man child.

It's totally OK to be upset but over analysing his contradictory statements is probably not going to get you anywhere. Try to get out for a walk today if you can - even though the weather is awful it will help.

I am going for a walk with my mum. There is just no point in trying to understand any of it. I’ll send myself crazy.

OP posts:
Hollietree · 06/01/2025 12:12

Limer · 06/01/2025 11:29

@Fastforwardayear What does he mean he doesn’t want to be alone?

He means he likes having a woman around to do all the drudge work. Housework, cooking, cleaning, waiting on him hand and foot, tending to his every whim. It's a very common character trait in men.

Exactly this.

He loved having you look after him and pander to him before children. As soon as you had children, a large percentage of your energy went into looking after children and not him! So that’s when he checked out - poor neglected man not being waited on 24/7 by his stepford wife.

This arrogant man needs a woman to fawn over him and do everything for him. At the moment this new woman is probably fawning over him and in the honeymoon period. He thinks this will last, that he will move in with her and she will be happy to cook, clean, and continue to fawn over him. But I’m sure reality will be very different if she has her own child to look after. I expect he will be in for a harsh reality further down the line when real life kicks in. He will likely trade her in for a younger woman with no children (if anyone will want him!)

Motherbear44 · 06/01/2025 12:10

Fastforwardayear · 06/01/2025 10:14

Is also the lies, he was collecting gift bags on Christmas Day that the kids had their presents in and I asked him why he was doing that. He just said he was sick of buying gift bags but I later found out they were to put presents in for her and her child.

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I am sorry that you are feeling upset OP - but you really are much better off without a man who has to wait until Christmas morning to get hold of wrappings for gifts he was planning to give to the OW and her family.

It will take time to settle into your new way of life, but you will. Gradually you will notice details and ask yourself 'why did I put up with .......'. Remember that the children will also be happier around a happier you.

Limer · 06/01/2025 11:29

@Fastforwardayear What does he mean he doesn’t want to be alone?

He means he likes having a woman around to do all the drudge work. Housework, cooking, cleaning, waiting on him hand and foot, tending to his every whim. It's a very common character trait in men.

Iamnotalemming · 06/01/2025 11:18

I think it means he is an emotionally immature selfish man child.

It's totally OK to be upset but over analysing his contradictory statements is probably not going to get you anywhere. Try to get out for a walk today if you can - even though the weather is awful it will help.

Original poster
Fastforwardayear · 06/01/2025 10:49

Iamnotalemming · 06/01/2025 10:23

Words escape me to describe what a massive twat your STBXH is, @Fastforwardayear
Be kind to yourself because it is a massive shock and he is a lying bellend. But you may do better to keep him at arms length from now on as his behaviour will likely get worse. Time to get organised. Have you an appointment to see a solicitor?

i am going to do it when I find the energy. All I want to do is cry at the minute. I have called into work sick I couldn’t even speak to my boss as I was that upset. What does he mean he doesn’t want to be alone?

OP posts:
Iamnotalemming · 06/01/2025 10:23

Words escape me to describe what a massive twat your STBXH is, @Fastforwardayear
Be kind to yourself because it is a massive shock and he is a lying bellend. But you may do better to keep him at arms length from now on as his behaviour will likely get worse. Time to get organised. Have you an appointment to see a solicitor?