To think my marriage is over

It suits his narrative to blame you - you didn’t give him enough affection 🙄 and so he can justify his horrendous treatment of you in his mind.

No-one wants to think of themselves as the bad guy, even when they clearly are. He has made up a new version of reality where he is a downtrodden guy, the hero, acting reasonably. He has painted you as the bad guy so he doesn’t feel guilt for cheating. He probably has convinced himself so much, he actually believes it’s true.

In reality he is a husband who abandoned you with a new born baby, because he couldn’t face up to responsibility and was too selfish to grow up. He came back but effectively carried on living like a young single man, leaving all the hard work and responsibility to you. But he is not man enough to admit or accept any of these facts. It’s easier for him to rewrite history, turn you into the villain and him a victim.

However that does not mean you have to believe this false narrative, nor waste energy trying to make him see the cold hard truth. You know the truth, you hold your head high and know that there was nothing different you could have done. Nothing you could have done would have made him grow up, become unselfish and be a loving Husband and hands on Dad.

I've just read more of this thread. Sweetheart, I'm so sorry he's turned out to be such a prize shit. He sounds appalling - there's no shame in having tried your best and loved him, but it's for the best that this is where it ends. You will come out of this with your self respect, strength you never knew you had, plus your children, family and friends. He is trying to put all the blame for HIS pathetic choices and actions on you. Don't get drawn in, don't try to explain why he's wrong, there are lot of narcissistic traits in what you've said about him and your only choice is to work hard on detachment.

He will eventually get the (shit) life he deserves, but by then you may very well not care. Take all the support offered, look after yourself, get a good solicitor, and free yourself of such a miserable relationship. Good luck, we're all rooting for you and a new start for you and your dc in 2025. X

Dump him.

Are you sure you still love him?

I couldn't love someone who treated me so badly.

He's living a bachelor life while you are trapped propping everything up for him.

I think you should move out for a few weeks and let him run the house. Make him see how hard it is. Baptism of fire.

This isn't acceptable. It's not 1950. Men should be participating in running the household. You need to spell it out. I NEED YOU HOME A MINIMUM of 3 nights per week and one weekend day. If not leave. He's a child.

My parents had a similar situation. Both worked full time in demanding professional jobs. But my dad did nothing at home. He went out every Friday and worked late most nights. Ok Saturday and Sunday hw golfed. The course was over an hour from the house and he would have a big lunch there and be back about 5pm.
My mum was left doing everything. She resents it massively and their relationship is toxic. It's put enormous strain on us as a family as they can't stand being around each other. Get out.

Just to remind you that you, your emotions, and your reaction are not at all the problem here.

“More than anything”, HE and his selfish actions are the problem. Please read this as many times as you need to x

Oh, sod that. He's bullying you into accepting the unacceptable.

@Fastforwardayear yeah, way to make it all your fault. If you'd have been different, he'd have been different. If you'd 'treated him right' he wouldn't have strayed. How about he was a good husband in the first place.

Look, we can chew over all that until the cows come home. You've found him out on so many levels.

Get the advice, stay in the house and make sure you're in charge of how it looks when it goes up for sale. You know you want to move on and get cracking with a brighter life, you don't know how it might pan out if he stays in the house and even moves another woman in.

It's nothing to do with them having met up previously, that's now in the past, and everything to do with whether you can sit by and watch him not actually sell the house and them living there long term playing happy families in a home which rightfully is half yours and may be a big chunk of your future assets that you'll possibly/probably need to rebuild a new life for you and your DC in a home of your own.

I had one like this. He was home one night a week and thought he was doing us a huge favour. He also said I could go out so that was his justification. But when I needed to go out (for an interview) he threw a huge strop and walked out. He could see the way things were going.

There was no point to me trying to keep the relationship going. I figured I could be as lonely and broke without him as I was with him.

The trouble is you want him to want to be there and he doesn't want to.

Looking out for you here. It's not about how much any of this hurts, it's about a fair separation and divorce plus division of assets, particularly protecting your children's future.

Before you do or say anything you must obtain proper legal advice from a specialist solicitor.

I would also recommend that you set up a new email address that you keep solely for family and divorce matters. With Gmail you can have everything forwarded to the main email address you use that's easily accessible, that way you won't miss anything, but you will keep a proper trail of everything you need in one place. You can have separate folders for anything to do with the children, solicitors and house sale.

I understand how your gut reaction is to be with family, but I wouldn't move the children from their home just yet and I would listen to how things need to best pan out for you.

Please get legal advice before you do this

OP I know it might seem easier to move out straight away and go to your parents but please seek legal advise before moving out as it could make things harder in the long run regarding selling etc if he gets comfortable etc.

I think the point people are trying to make is that legally, you might struggle to sell the house and evict them. Therefore being stuck with a house you have a mortgage on, tenants not paying rent, and no plans to move out. The OW technically could refuse to move out and you’d have to go to court to evict her. It could get very messy.

Vs if you remain living in the property with the children, you have far more control over the pace of the house sale.

I say this kindly...
If you don't have to move out of your home I definitely wouldn't.

Hopefully to some extent you'll then be in control of when it sells and won't have to listen if STBX makes up excuses to why it can't be sold....classic is he won't have enough funds to buy a place to live.

In all honesty it's difficult to ask someone whose husband has just left them for another woman if they'd be happy to let the OW move into the marital home, living rent free indefinitely....there's a possibility it could happen...while you and your DC live with your DP's

Why would the OW want the unheaval of moving if only temporarily.

Edited to say as just seem your update...

If you think you'll benefit living with your DP's while knowing this could happen then you must do what you feel.

So why are you letting him have it all his way? Change the locks and put bin bags with his stuff outside. You don't have to roll over and let him win.