Page 21 | To think my marriage is over

Fastforwardayear · 2025-01-01T10:59:47+00:00

So I have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. Have 2 children aged 4 and 7 and since they came along I have been so lonely. DH is out most night of the week and doesn’t help with much at home. He spends weekends away at various events and thinks that this behaviour is ok. It might be for some people but it isn’t for me. This is not how I thought family life would be. The resentment has built up that much I can’t stand the thought of being intimate with him and he doesn’t feel he needs to change anything to gain that back so I honestly feel we are at a loss. I do love him very much but really, is that enough?. The thought of him meeting somebody else really hurts but I still think that alone isn’t enough to keep us together.

Original poster

Fastforwardayear · 01/01/2025 11:39

Nanny0gg · 01/01/2025 11:37

Why do you love him?

There is nothing remotely loveable about his behaviour

Your relationship is not normal and he's a horrible human being

Do you own your house?
Do you work?
You need to talk to your parents and find a very good solicitor

2025 could be a much happier year for you

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I work 3 days per week and could afford to be on my own if needs be.

OP posts:

beAsensible1 · 01/01/2025 11:39

Can you not send the kids with him to the football?

if you are not wanting to leave you need to have a conversation and negotiate a fairer share of the evenings for you to go out.

I don’t necessarily think 8pm is late getting home if including a commute. But being out 5 evenings is not reasonable. You need and deserve some down time.

it’s might be worth getting back to work so you have some leverage as well as your own money if you do need to leave.

Nanny0gg · 01/01/2025 11:37

Fastforwardayear · 01/01/2025 11:04

I am gutted as I do think I still love him and don’t want anybody else etc but never knowing where he is becoming unhealthy for my mental health. It can get to 8pm some week days and he still isn’t home from work without so much as a quick text. I cry myself to sleep sometimes as I just never ever thought this would happen.

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Why do you love him?

There is nothing remotely loveable about his behaviour

Your relationship is not normal and he's a horrible human being

Do you own your house?
Do you work?
You need to talk to your parents and find a very good solicitor

2025 could be a much happier year for you

Daleksatemyshed · 01/01/2025 11:31

He's being selfish, no time for you and the DC means the gap in your marriage gets wider, you don't want sex because you feel unloved and that gap will grow and grow, by the time your DC are teenagers they'll be nothing left between you.
Unless he's willing to go into marriage counselling and see your point of view there's not much to stay for Op.

AllThePotatoesAreSingingJingleBells · 01/01/2025 11:27

Fastforwardayear · 01/01/2025 11:25

He left when our first baby was tiny as he couldn’t handle it. We had counselling, got back together etc. this has been going on for at least 6 years.

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Your parents are right.

He’s right in a sense. No one I know has a relationship like yours. I’m glad. I’d be really cross if someone was treating my friend like he treats you.

He’s not interested in family life. I can’t believe he abandoned you with a tiny baby, the selfish selfish arsehole. Bet you were worried about complaining to him after that. Just like he intended.

When you leave he will probably fade from their lives very quickly. Let him. X

MyLoftySwan · 01/01/2025 11:26

I'm afraid he has checked out of your relationship

Nothatgingerpirate · 01/01/2025 11:25

SleepyHippy3 · 01/01/2025 11:24

What an entitled man child. You are effectively a single mother, who does everything in the home and facilitates his life - he’s living the life of a single man, with zero responsibilities, advancing his career and maintaining his social life. On top of all of this he is complaining that you are not showing him affection? Does that not give you the complete ick?

You say you love him, but if that’s all there is, then love is never enough. You deserve so much better. And your kids are watching this dynamic and learning that it’s ok for a man to treat women this way.

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This.
He's a selfish, repulsive bastard.

Original poster

Fastforwardayear · 01/01/2025 11:25

Livinghappy · 01/01/2025 11:23

Does he need to work so late or is he choosing to stay out of the home to avoid parenting?

I think your family observations are interesting, what behaviours do they see?

I don't advocate ending a marriage quickly as it is painful especially when you still care for him however can you continue like this..is he open to change or are you being gaslit?

He left when our first baby was tiny as he couldn’t handle it. We had counselling, got back together etc. this has been going on for at least 6 years.

OP posts:

custardpyjamas · 01/01/2025 11:24

Fastforwardayear · 01/01/2025 11:21

He will get home at 8pm and then leave at 8:30 for his hobby. That is 3 nights per week. One night he goes for drinks after work and another a curry night.

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He's treating the place like a hotel. I think I would tell him not to bother to come home at all if he doesn't want to spend any time there with you and the children.

WildCats24 · 01/01/2025 11:24

Fastforwardayear · 01/01/2025 11:23

Yes my parents mainly

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I would trust what they are saying, then. Perhaps have a candid conversation, and get their opinion. Could they support you in putting together an exit strategy?

SleepyHippy3 · 01/01/2025 11:24

Fastforwardayear · 01/01/2025 11:08

The thing is he says it is me, I never show him any affection but I would if he changed. I can’t go off absolutely nothing and somebody taking the piss out of me.

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What an entitled man child. You are effectively a single mother, who does everything in the home and facilitates his life - he’s living the life of a single man, with zero responsibilities, advancing his career and maintaining his social life. On top of all of this he is complaining that you are not showing him affection? Does that not give you the complete ick?

You say you love him, but if that’s all there is, then love is never enough. You deserve so much better. And your kids are watching this dynamic and learning that it’s ok for a man to treat women this way.

AllThePotatoesAreSingingJingleBells · 01/01/2025 11:23

WildCats24 · 01/01/2025 11:23

So all 5 nights out? 3x hobby, 1x curry, and 1x drinks?

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Plus most weekends.

Livinghappy · 01/01/2025 11:23

Does he need to work so late or is he choosing to stay out of the home to avoid parenting?

I think your family observations are interesting, what behaviours do they see?

I don't advocate ending a marriage quickly as it is painful especially when you still care for him however can you continue like this..is he open to change or are you being gaslit?

Original poster

Fastforwardayear · 01/01/2025 11:23

WildCats24 · 01/01/2025 11:23

So all 5 nights out? 3x hobby, 1x curry, and 1x drinks?

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Yes. He says the hobby doesn’t matter as the kids are in bed anyway.

OP posts:

WildCats24 · 01/01/2025 11:23

Fastforwardayear · 01/01/2025 11:21

He will get home at 8pm and then leave at 8:30 for his hobby. That is 3 nights per week. One night he goes for drinks after work and another a curry night.

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So all 5 nights out? 3x hobby, 1x curry, and 1x drinks?

Original poster

Fastforwardayear · 01/01/2025 11:23

WildCats24 · 01/01/2025 11:22

What kind of things are your family saying? Are these family members whom you trust?

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Yes my parents mainly

OP posts:

Original poster

Fastforwardayear · 01/01/2025 11:22

Imisschocolate17 · 01/01/2025 11:20

There's more context to this - do you work? Or are you a SAHM? Where he is going on weekday evenings? From your initial post I thought it would be 10-11pm but then you mention 8pm which isn't late, that's quite a normal home time for our family with similar aged DC. If you're home then it will feel late though.

The weekends being one-sided is unfair but has that developed from him having the rope to do it? Plan things where he has to be around?

Some of what he is doing is likely not unreasonable but together as a whole it may be, you need to talk it through with him

He also has season tickets for his hobby and football so most weekends are took up with that. He goes to festivals for full weekends and I would just like to be doing that sort of stuff as couple

OP posts:

ZenNudist · 01/01/2025 11:22

What did he say when you talked to him about this and spelled it out that you were considering leaving? If you haven't put it in those terms then he needs chance to change. Why is he out so late every night and away at weekends so much? That's not usual.

WildCats24 · 01/01/2025 11:22

Fastforwardayear · 01/01/2025 11:18

Is love enough to stay? My family are constantly telling me how selfish he is but he is so good at convincing me that this is normal and nobody has a relationship like ours. I don’t think it’s normal and every time I make plans to go out he is late so I have given up.

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What kind of things are your family saying? Are these family members whom you trust?

Original poster

Fastforwardayear · 01/01/2025 11:21

Imisschocolate17 · 01/01/2025 11:20

There's more context to this - do you work? Or are you a SAHM? Where he is going on weekday evenings? From your initial post I thought it would be 10-11pm but then you mention 8pm which isn't late, that's quite a normal home time for our family with similar aged DC. If you're home then it will feel late though.

The weekends being one-sided is unfair but has that developed from him having the rope to do it? Plan things where he has to be around?

Some of what he is doing is likely not unreasonable but together as a whole it may be, you need to talk it through with him

He will get home at 8pm and then leave at 8:30 for his hobby. That is 3 nights per week. One night he goes for drinks after work and another a curry night.

OP posts:

Imisschocolate17 · 01/01/2025 11:20

There's more context to this - do you work? Or are you a SAHM? Where he is going on weekday evenings? From your initial post I thought it would be 10-11pm but then you mention 8pm which isn't late, that's quite a normal home time for our family with similar aged DC. If you're home then it will feel late though.

The weekends being one-sided is unfair but has that developed from him having the rope to do it? Plan things where he has to be around?

Some of what he is doing is likely not unreasonable but together as a whole it may be, you need to talk it through with him

Original poster

Fastforwardayear · 01/01/2025 11:19

AllThePotatoesAreSingingJingleBells · 01/01/2025 11:18

He’s not your safety net. He’s your master. You are his servant.

If he was your safety net, you would feel safe. You don’t feel safe because he’s not looking after your wellbeing.

I suspect that when you do leave him you will wish you had done it ages ago.

Edited

Before we had children I definitely had the upper hand, it seems he has got me right he he wants me now.

OP posts:

AllThePotatoesAreSingingJingleBells · 01/01/2025 11:18

He’s not your safety net. He’s your master. You are his servant.

If he was your safety net, you would feel safe. You don’t feel safe because he’s not looking after your wellbeing.

I suspect that when you do leave him you will wish you had done it ages ago.

Original poster

Fastforwardayear · 01/01/2025 11:18

cartagenagina · 01/01/2025 11:16

He sounds utterly selfish. So he has a whole single life away from you, but can pretend he’s a family man because you are too afraid to leave?

See a solicitor and decide what you want to do next. I suspect you will be far happier without this jerk.

Is love enough to stay? My family are constantly telling me how selfish he is but he is so good at convincing me that this is normal and nobody has a relationship like ours. I don’t think it’s normal and every time I make plans to go out he is late so I have given up.

OP posts:

cartagenagina · 01/01/2025 11:16

He sounds utterly selfish. So he has a whole single life away from you, but can pretend he’s a family man because you are too afraid to leave?

See a solicitor and decide what you want to do next. I suspect you will be far happier without this jerk.