To think my marriage is over

He just sounds appalling @Fastforwardayear

Other than his wage, what is he actually contributing to your life?

It's disgusting that he continues to live like he has no other obligations - going out 5 nights a week + football - not even even single people do this.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you have tried everything and he is still incapable of change. This means that you will have to be the adult and make the decision of what is best for you and your DC. Your DH won't do the right thing for the family - he's had years to show you exactly who he is and his priorities.

He sounds like an absolute dickhead

@Fastforwardayear Yeah I would stop doing anything for him at all .
Move to another bed or room. Tell Him it’s over and that you need to sort out who loves where and who is doing school pick up and drop off and what the child arrangements are . Oh and finances .
When he realised you are serious and he is going to have to man up and be out on his own he may start the pretend “wanting to change” more manipulation .

You know you want out this marriage . So do it.

No, you absolutely can't OP , you deserve so much more.
It sounds as if your husband has no insight into what he is doing wrong which suggests there is no solution for potential change.
Yes, this is heart-breaking OP but the situation is destroying you. Step by step, some frank discussions are required and you need to find the strength to make the required changes.
I raised my child singlehandedly and yes it was hard and lonely at times but it gives you an inner strength and peace that is priceless.

I think maybe ego? It's the ego that will be hurt if/when he meets somebody else and (you think) he does all the effort for them he hasn't done for you. But the ego can be reassured and healed.
In terms of your kids meeting a potential new partner of his, this doesn't need to happen at all. You can decide to fight for a type of custody when it is only him having (supervised) contact with the kids. It doesn't sound like he's bringing much to your kids' life anyway (I might be wrong) and he's not caring for them on his own anyways.

OP sorry to be blunt but your marriage is dead. He is taking the piss out of you, please please get rid of him. I promise you will be so much happier

I really feel for you OP. It sounds like you are single parenting but with the additional burden of an unloving husband. If you separate, he may feel prompted to take an honest look at himself and pull it together, and even get another woman, but it's unlikely to last and he'll probably revert to type. So it really is a question of ditching the man he is now, and don't worry about the man he may potentially become and any woman he may potentially be with. It sounds like he doesn't have much relationship with the kids so it's not like they are likely to take over your role. I was a single parent and the best thing about it is that you are unencumbered by someone else's stupidity, poor character, snoring, farting, etc. You can find your peace, and that's the first step to recovery. You fear feeling down forever but it's highly likely that your whole perspective would change and you wouldn't.

He can still do that with them after you have sent him on his way. You sound like you want to be free of him and that you can be. You are worried about a future he may have with some other woman. All theoretical. Put yourself first.

He says the hobby doesn’t matter as the kids are in bed anyway and what about, you should matter. He's a selfish person and doesn't seem to consider you at all. I've been there, you matter. You need a support system within the home. It will hurt and it will come in waves BUT atleast you won't have all the sadness and frustration anymore. I was a single mum of two. Kicked my ex out when I was pregnant with #2. It was hard but I wouldn't have changed a thing. Drop him and do what he's been doing, put yourself first.

You will need energy for a divorce though, so you need to dig deep really. If you continue in this way, your mental health is going to nose dive. You're important too. Stop mooning over this dead beat man. Be a friend to yourself. The future you will thank you. I promise. This isn't partnership. It's dead in the water. You really, really need to start putting yourself first.

Ex husband also used you never want to have sex line when he was having multiple affairs, taking his anger out on his family and telling me I was frumpy when I wore a size 8 - not that it should matter. The crux is they never will be content with what they have.

How often is he doing that? Surely he hardly sees them.

@Fastforwardayear your username is interesting.

Fastforward your life a year in your mind. On the 1st of Jan 2026 do you want to be in the exact same scenario as today, nothing changed. Or would you like to be waking up in your own little house, just you and your child. At the weekend ex-hubby will be having the kids, so you have a spa day booked with your girlfriends, maybe go out for some cocktails after.

I'm so sorry, this sounds so hard. But you have done all you can to resolve this and now need to move on. He’s not up for changing or having any kind of sensible discussion so you’ve hit a wall. You cannot stay as things are for your own mental health. You also don’t want your children to grow up thinking this is a healthy dynamic in a relationship. He honestly sounds just awful. Don’t get bogged down in the ‘what ifs’ about the future. Just focus on the here and now and leave. Make 2025 the year a new and brighter chapter for you begins. You and your children deserve it.

Why would he take any blame? He doesn't want his life to change. If he admits he's in the wrong maybe that will impact his social life. At the moment you're doing all the parenting, cooking, cleaning, laundry ect. He's a single mam doing him. He doest want things to change. Drop the dead weight. At least it will be one less person to look after. You might be upset because you're alone but you're already lonely.

Oh my god 🤮

From working with a family/divorce lawyer in the past, you certainly wouldn’t be unreasonable in wanting a divorce over this behaviour. He hasn’t changed yet knows you are unhappy with his behaviour.

Please get rid. You and your children deserve so much more.
I can't believe he thinks it's OK to do his hobby because the kids are in bed, you are still there sat alone. He's a selfish twat.

Huge red flag to me this! When men leave their partner pregnant/with a tiny baby/smal child(ren) because "they can't handle it", how do they expect their now single partner to handle it by themselves then, absolute fuckers!!!!! I know hindsight is a beautiful thing, but with that act alone, I wouldn't have taken him back/would chuck him back in the sea. I know it's much easier said than done, but it still need to be said and believed, before it is done.
You're not alone having (had) to do this, and you'll find a lot of amazing support and advice here and I hope you also do in real life 💐💐💐

There is a better life for you out there if you grab the chance to take it. I feel it’s better to be alone than lonely in an unhappy relationship. Your children will be fine as they have you. Unfortunately, you don’t have the option of giving them a happy home life with two parents because your husband won’t allow it.
Time goes quickly, blink and another 5 years will have gone.

You are worrying about him meeting someone else as you feel exhausted and vulnerable. You won’t always feel like that and who is to say you won’t meet someone else or be very happy and content being on your own.

Sounds like you have your parents support which is huge. Don’t wait for another few years, when they may not be able to help you, your kids will be older etc. I wish you strength and luck.

This.

Not that it matters - let her have the selfish prick!

What does he actually bring to the table? I get the impression he actively dislikes being with you and your dcs and doesn’t even bother trying to hide it.

End this heartache and stop wasting your life with someone who doesn’t give a shit about you in the hope he’ll change - he won’t.

"We own the house, I will probably stay as he would never be able to take the kids to school etc."

Nothing of what you have written suggests that he is the type of man to agree to you staying in the house. It is more likely that he will want his 50% of the equity.

You describe someone should has managed to maintain a pre marriage and children lifestyle despite having a wide and children. Separation will disrupt his life. He will be financially worse off, will need to take proactive steps to see his children, and, I expect, do the 'wife-work' in his own home. None of this is likely to turn him into the rare type of man who prioritises his children's primary carer when it comes to finances!

This was me OP. Until I had children, my marriage was at least equal to the point that I had a life as much as my ex husband. Gym, work, friends etc so I didn’t notice how little he prioritised me as I prioritised myself. But when you have children, they become your priority except my ex husband didn’t change his priorities at all. Gym, hobbies, going out with friends whilst I was at home becoming more and more exhausted. It ended in huge amounts of infidelity on his part and a divorce. Having children didn’t change my ex, it showed his true colours. I would go as far as to say he was jealous of the children and told me as much, that the OW who was also a married mother showed him more attanetion. The irony!

My first marriage also ended for the same reasons. Best decision I ever made