To think my marriage is over

Go alone. Please never even contemplate going with him again. It's really important that you don't.

You said he'd previously punched the walls? Emotional abuse is equally as damaging though. Manipulating you until you can't think straight and accept fewer and fewer crumbs as time goes on.

Do you want your daughter to see this behaviour and think it’s normal? She may end in a similar relationship and be as unhappy as you are, trust me that will be more ‘traumatising’ than him starting a new relationship. In time you might meet the most amazing man and he will realise what he’s lost, you just don’t know x

Don't go to the therapy with him again or try to convince him to go. He'll just use it as another tool to manipulate you with.
I get that it can be daunting to stand up to men like this, especially when your self worth has been eroded. Sounds like he's not afraid to use his fists too. So you don't have to confront him directly but you could discretely start making an exit plan and quietly see a solicitor. Personal safety is critical with men like this.

I personally think he's having an affair but even if he's not, his behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. Get proper legal advice and ensure you get everything you're entitled to.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/getting-a-divorce-or-dissolution/

Collect copies of all his paperwork (payslips, bans statements, pensions, assets/shares, mortgage info, passports) and leave it with your parents.

If you have a joint account, buy the kids clothes/equipment for next 2 sizes up now in the sales. Start to stock up your store cupboards & buy a few extra packs of expensive items like washing powder now.

Sell old clothes & toys and put the money in a new savings account for the kids. Basically start to prepare for a life post divorce, you're a lone parent anyway. The divorce is just a legal formality.

He needs to drop his expectation. He expects you do do everything without complaining. He expects you to want to have sex with him. He expects to you to be the primary parent, work part time and have no down time. His expectations are unreasonable and unrealistic.

He left OP when their first baby was tiny. I think her DH's poor behaviour came first and was the catalyst for OP's loss of feelings of affection and intimacy for her partner. I doubt that he is capable of change and OP would probably feel better if they split up. It certainly isn't six of one and half a dozen of the other. The blame is not equal.

It is common for the abuse to ramp up after children. It’s a power thing. The signs were there in the beginning but you weren’t vulnerable.

I was reading about North Korea divorce punishments.

The one to ask for a divorce is sent to a hard labour camp for 6 months.
Most of the camp mates are female.

Made me think, to sacrifice 6 months of your life, a broken family and the shame of being divorced, things must be pretty bad.

Admire those women, breaking free at any cost!

If they can do it, so can you. Free yourself, only you hold the key to your life.

That’s how some men are though. Nice to start with then their true colours start showing after you’ve been with them a while or got married/had DC.

He’s just gaslighting you op - he knows what he’s doing is wrong but he won’t admit it to you bc then he’d have to make steps to change wouldn’t he?

He doesn’t want to change.

Don’t listen to the posters on here telling you to carry on giving this twat more and more chances - it seems there are some relics from the 50’s out in force today. no one in their right mind would think you were anything but perfectly justified in leaving him.

And therapy isn’t advised with abusers, which this dickhead clearly is to anyone that can recognise it.

That's how abuser function, it's almost like grooming. If they were obnoxious from the beginning, you wouldn't fall under their control.

I’ve read your posts @Fastforwardayear and skimmed the rest. Sadly my gut instinct is that he has another woman. Most men moderate their personal time and hobbies and don’t show disdain for their wife for coping with so much home life alone.

You don’t love him, you’re mourning how it used to be, how it could be, how other people’s relationships are and you’re scared and apprehensive about a new future without him in it.

It’s a very hard thing to contemplate, but all the time you cling to this marriage, the barrier is up against a brighter life for you and your children.

Edit, so sorry if this comes across as harsh, it’s meant to be supportive and perhaps a bit inspirational for better times.

Personally I think no, love isn’t enough - and I say this as someone who’s had to think a lot about that over the last year.

I have a friend like that (he’s out 5/7 nights of the week) and it seems to work for his family, but we’re all baffled about it. Maybe it does work for some families but I suspect they’re in the minority.

What absolute bollocks!!!!!!!!!!!! Do not lower your standards for him. You deserve the best and more. He's making my piss boil!

You really need to stop giving the slightest shit what he says.

He's talking shit, I would pretend to agree with him . . . whilst making a solid plan to escape the bastard!

I don't blame you dropping the sex @Fastforwardayear sounds ghastly.
I don't believe he wanted to be a DF, in his head that was the price he paid to stay with you so he feels justified in doing as he likes and leaving it all to you _ I've known several men who aren't interested in being a DF, they think it's their wives hobby and go and do their own thing.

This man is exploiting you op.
He's doing it because he thinks he has all the power and that you have no way of escaping the situation that doesn't leave you in an even worse situation.
I'd say the reason he was willing to have children is that he knew it would give him more power over you, you are forced to do all the domestic work while he gets to carry on life as normal.
Part of the reason he's nice to the children is that they benefit him, i.e they are part of the means by which he controls and dominates you.

You should stop obsessing about him meeting another woman . He is abusive and controlling and you cannot see it . How would you feel if your DD met someone like him ? You are exactly where he wanted you to be; you are his servant , he has commodified you . Please do your kids a favour, ditch him and start obsessing about your well-being.