To think my marriage is over

Stop living so much in your head. You think you love him, but actually you are in love with the dream of married / family life that you thought you would have. That dream doesn't exist for you in this relationship.

You are stopping yourself from taking action becuase you are imagining how awful it might be for your dc to be disrupted. Instead, dream of how much love and freedom you will be able to give them, how you will be able to show them what a good life is like. Stop thinking about how unbearable it might feel if your h meets someone else (and he might because he thinks he deserves someone to cater to all his needs), instead dream of how strong you will feel, and how relieved that this man is not slapping your arse or blaming you for HIS selfish behaviour.

Take a step back and see what others can see. You didn't push him away when you had dc - HE found it hard and chose not to participate. You are doing everything for your dc and your house, and you are working 3 days. That is awsome. You will find it so much easier not having to cater to his needs.

Please use the new year, and the good advice you've had on this thread. Gather all your financial information, speak to solicitor, confide in supportive family and friends.

OP I'm sorry, I think you're right, your marriage is dead. I find it very telling that he left when DC1 was tiny 'because he couldn't handle it'. That is very, very poor behaviour - he fathered the baby, he's your husband, he's got to deal with infant care. To run away from that is just pathetic, selfish, altogether wrong.

Apparently, he then came back having decided that he simply wouldn't deal with it and go on living as if single while leaving you having no life outside parenting. A choice that you would pull even a teenager up over, and that in a grown man is frankly beneath contempt.

I think you love a memory. The man you're with has nothing lovable about him. Zilch. Start planning the divorce. All the best!

Hi OP

It sounds like you're in a really tough spot, feeling both lonely and disconnected from your partner despite your long history together. It's really important to have your needs met in a relationship, especially when it comes to support and companionship. Have you thought about seeking couples counseling? It could help open up a dialogue about your needs and expectations. Sometimes having a neutral third party can make a big difference in understanding each other better. Whatever you decide, remember your happiness and wellbeing are just as important as anyone else's in your family.

The fact he doesnt want to change is a dealbreaker.

But he could do this to you anyway? Better to be the one in control of your own destiny. Keep your powder dry, get those ducks in a row and don't waste another precious moment on him x

That’s because he’s exposed you to his behaviour for so long that it’s become your ‘norm’

Anyone else reading your account thinks absolutely no way and sees him for what he is.

You’re presumably not in bed. It’s amazing how men like him have very crucial hobbies and late months at work while the children are small. When the children grow and become less demanding suddenly the hobbies aren’t as important. But by then most women would rather not be with the selfish fuckers any more to find out.

It sounds like the wonderful people your children are is solely down to you. All this man does is break your spirit, you know you need to walk away. He's shown you who he is and that he won't change even though his behaviour is hurting you, this isn't someone who loves you.

This doesn't sound trivial at all. He deliberately sabotaged your night out. I get not wanting to miss his friends birthday but you say to the mate I can only come for a quick drink because FastForward is out tonight and I'm with the kids. He prioritised his mate over you and then tried to frame you as the unreasonable one.
This doesn't sound like a man who remotely likes you, let alone loves you. And you (not surprisingly as the man sounds like an utter cunt) couldn't come up with one way you love him either. Rip the plaster off now, start the year as you mean to continue it and end it today. You and your kids deserve so much better than this.

OP read your posts back and imagine a friend telling you this about their life. This marriage is dead, and abusive to boot. Please don't live like this a moment longer. You have one life, what are you waiting for? Make 2025 your year. Your children are learning that this is normal. It is so far from normal that you can't even see it. I want to give you a big hug and tell you how much better your life will be without him. I really hope and wish that you'll be brave enough to take that first scary step. Go live your life better with your lovely children x

It sounds as though your life would feel a lot less lonely and scary without him

Please accept your marriage is over. This is down to your DH, not you. His behaviour is completely unacceptable. Stop doing anything for him in the house (washing etc) and just look out for yourself and your DC.
Don't worry about the future, you literally need to take a day at a time and starting getting yourself sorted for a divorce.
If you can talk to anyone in RL, that may help. Means others can help support you, with time and so forth. Your parents may help with some child care to give you some head space.
Book an appointment with a solicitor.
Good luck and make 2025 your year for getting your life back.

He has checked out of the relationship. He might be there in body but not in any other real way. Sorry OP. Best wishes with how you deal with it. Hope you can get the children through without it breaking their hearts.

Definitely love bombing.

I had all this before typical EA type, had slept with someone else whilst we were together, wanted a Stepford Wife type.

He's basically telling you to suck it up. He'll do what he wants and there's nothing you can do about it. He's awful. He won't like you calling the shots at all but it's time for you to do what's right for yourself & your DC. This is not a relationship that you want to model for them, you all deserve so much better. Imagine this time next year........peace in your heart & your home......with no waste of space sucking the joy from your life. Let him crack on. You'll wonder why you put up with it for so long!!

If you still love him have a talk with him, a proper’do you see us together, do you like/ love me’ etc. it’ll set something in motion at least, whether that is a good or a bad thing you can only see x best of luck op x

He has been mentally abusing you for years OP. That’s why you’re on here questioning yourself and wondering if you’re wrong to want to leave.

Everything about him sounds awful. Truly awful.

He is definitely abusive, you’ve just been conditioned to accept it and the breadcrumbs he throws your way.

That he sits and plays with the kids sometimes seems to be the only nice thing you can say about him. Raise your bar OP.

The fact he left you and your newborn alone when you’d just given birth would’ve been the end of the relationship for me - never mind all this other crap.

Read Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft. I think it'll help see the many insidious ways people/men control and abuse without you realising it at first.

Love bombing

There is literally nothing positive about this man. He’s physically repulsive, he sexually harasses you, he treats you like a house slave, and he clearly resents you for bearing his children and ruining his manchild life.

He deliberately sabotaged your night out out of resentment of you having the audacity to expect him to parent his own children.

He is blaming you for everything because he doesn’t care and is lazy. As far as he’s concerned, a wife sorts out the home, looks after the kids, puts no expectations on her husband, and dispenses sex (“love”) on demand. If you’re failing to do any of this then it’s your fault, so why should he bother? He doesn’t see why his relationship and life should have remotely changed after children.

He is selfish, disgusting, useless and immature.

Please don’t worry about the effect of splitting on your kids, they’ll be suffering more from an unhappy mother. It sounds like a “better the devil you know” situation for you. Staying is guaranteed misery. Don’t be worried about this waste of space being someone else’s problem.

My parents split and it honestly wasn’t that bad - and my dad was unemployed and home 24/7! It was a few hours shock and that’s it.

The years long animosity and mind games was hard though - splits only damage children if the parents are acrimonious or absent.

I find it's the hope which kills. If you are on your own you have no expectations and then are not disappointed. You can do things your way and if you want to go out or do something make solid plans without relying on him.

There are many types of abuse, not just physical. He is emotionally abusive and controlling.

He's an absolute loser of a man, OP. Come on, you can do so much better. Make 2025 the year that you take the bull by the horns and take back control of your life and your happiness instead of sitting round waiting for this selfish bastard to change. He isn't going to. You're wasting your time. Get your parents' support and move on. You're stuck in a hole and can't see your way out. Make plans. Seize the day. It's a new year, time for a new start.

OP sadly he's likely to do this anyway & leave you to deal with the fallout. As others have said, he's checked out & your parents are quite right, he's a selfish gaslighting prick. Once rid of him , you'll be less stressed and will get some time to yourself. Make sure he steps up on the parenting front at least alternate weekens - it's time he did some parenting, check what your entitled to for child maintenance & get those ducks in a row. Btw, showing love isn't smacking your arse, my ex did this & I just wanted to punch him. He just wants sex & that's not love. He doesn't deserve you or the children.
Take a deep breath and as him to leave. He's never at home anyway so once the conversation is out of the way, you may find a huge sense of relief.