To think my marriage is over

On your own. Doesn’t have to be Relate either - find a counsellor for you.

@Fastforwardayear honestly, you need to end this. You probably think he will have the relationship you want, but with someone else and feel you can’t face it. He won’t because he can’t - he won’t change!

When you hear his car pull up on the drive or the front door go, what do you feel? When he walks into the room how do you feel? When he rolls over in bed how do you feel?

When I knew it was over (after months of trying to fake intimacy) my stomach would drop. It didn't matter how much I felt I should be happy or grateful, it sank. I was just so much happier not being disappointed or made to feel less than. My spirit grew when he was away.

Go to Relate. Talk this through with a counsellor. Then decide what to do

That falls under "sulky", unfortunately. You can't make people change, they have to want to do it for themselves.

Really and truly though, it's nothing to do with you "pushing him away", so please don't blame yourself or anything you have done. The issue really is with him x

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

If you decide to part and your DH is happy to let you walk away it tells you all you need to know about his true feeling.

If he meets another woman soon after leaving it verifies it.

This man doesn't love you and you don't really love him. You are both just scared of letting each other go. He's completely checked out. It's not normal at all. He's living like a single man who is a longer in your home. Sometimes interacts with the kids but basically it's like you aren't really his family.
Get rid.
Life is too short. I know its scary but I really hope you do this soon. Having this understandable festering resentment will eat away at you.
I know its unfair being the bad guy.. when he's effectively ended the relationship but wants to blame you because he's a coward. But just be the 'bad guy' be the one who asks him to leave. And not because you expect him to change, he's clearly not going to change.. just tell him to leave and mean it.
Imagine not having to deal with him? Imagine having total control over your own space.
And one day when the kids are older you'll get lots of free time to do your own thing. Make friends, see old friends, maybe even meet another man who actually enjoys your company and treats you with respect.
He is dead weight in your life. Don't keep him around just to be angry at. I know the feeling.. you've been so hurt that you can't actually let go of the person who hurt as if you do there's part of you that will have to accept it was for nothing.. there's part of you that has to accept he doesn't love you and it can't be resolved.. so however bad the relationship is you feel inclined to hang on to it as accepting you aren't lived at all and there's nothing you can do is so painful.
But it's a toxic dynamic. You'll wither away in bitterness.
He's absolutely exploiting you. He doesn't want to be there at all but he doesn't want things to change. What a sad half life.

OP, I completely get how repulsive and horrifying the idea of your DC going through parental divorce, having two homes, and perhaps meeting a STBEH's new partner in the future, is to you.

You are going through marriage break up; it's something that's happening to you and your kids, and it's not your fault. Meet it head on as you would illness, redundancy, flood in the home etc. At the moment it isn't a happy home and that will be affecting your DC no matter your efforts; the version you want, where it's a happy two parent family, is not an option now and very sadly you have to accept that and let it go.

I think the final part of letting go of STBEH and your marriage, is accepting him with someone else. It might feel impossible at the moment, but honestly one day you won't give a fig. You'll just feel sorry for her. I promise that day will come.

You sound like you are grieving your past relationship, and the life you thought you would have. That's to be expected and therapy could help; time definitely will.

You can allow yourself to have these emotions, but you can also use your rational thought to take your next steps. Your kids will be ok. You will be ok. This is the hardest bit and it will pass. Let your family help you and take your next steps 💐

Yes, unfortunately I agree with you op your marriage is over. Your husband sounds like the king of manipulation. Make this year about you and putting your needs first for a change. Good luck. Remember, you deserve happiness too!

woulnt worry op noone will last long enough to stik around he souns gross

A friend of mine is in this situation and even her husbands friends think he's a colossal prick, but she loves him despite him constantly glavanting and being a piss poor father.
We've said all we can without making her feel she can't share with us how shite he is but we'd love her to ditch him and have a chance of happiness. Not saying with another man, just not living with misery and anxiety over what he's doing.

Does he act like he loves you? No.

He acts like he despises you. This is over. You love a man who no longer exists for you, and divorce will not change whether or not an arsehole like this finds someone else. Your marriage means nothing to him as it is.

Plan your exit. End things on your terms, because he won't think twice when he wants to end things on his.

He's a lazy, flatulent, snoring, pig with bad oral hygiene. I don't think you need to worry about him meeting someone else tbh!

OP he absolutely is abusive. Dont be concerned about 'breaking up the family' - this is on him. Plus the children must see that their dad is barely around and doesn't seem to like them. He is not a good father when he treats their mum with contempt. He probably would find someone else if he hasn't already - but you can support the children if that happens. This is no life for you and DC. Make a plan and don't discuss it with him, it will just give him more ammunition against you.

He says I should be grateful as I get a curry out of it

and he wonders why you don't want sex with him.....

Before we had children I definitely had the upper hand, it seems he has got me right he he wants me now.

You knew I just couldn't leave

Start living your own life, that means getting babysitters and paying them or having family come and babysit so you can have a life outside of the home.

What are your interests? What are your hobbies?

Go to stuff with your dc at the weekends and don't be there - just craqck on with your life and stop doing stuff for him

He wants to control you, he has you exactly where he wants and needs you to be - at home tied up

bought time you showed him thats not the case

Op, before you breakup, try engaging a baby sitter for one night out per week - say the curry night and just get dressed up and go.

Then join in for the other night too but with the kids. You will all need to come home earlier with him helping.

Change the fact that you spend only two nights together per week, don't put up with that.

@Fastforwardayear

Do any of his friends have DC?
Do they call him out on his behaviour?

OP you deserve so much better. This is one of those cases where as he isn’t bringing anything to the table your life will be easier without him and he will have a bloody shock of a wake up call.

I would get out of this marriage OP.
Whilst it’s healthy to have your own interests, it’s not healthy to go out most of the week leaving your other half with the lions share of childcare. Like you said, when are you supposed to do your stuff?
Ive been with my hubby for 24 years and we have older teen kids, our life is very much together but with the occasional night off to do our own thing.. sounds like you have the occasional night together. He’s totally gaslighting you telling you it’s normal.
I hate to say it, but he is also blaming you for lack of affection, this sounds to me like he is gearing up to an affair and then he can blame you for it rather than his marital neglect which is what made you un affectionate..
He sounds like a div to me.. get rid.. what exactly will you be missing if you split? A lifetime of worry, hurt and wondering where he is the whole time.. treat yourself better!

Your husband is awful OP- he sounds absolutely vile.

He’s abusing you and gaslighting you. He would rather turn it into something you are doing wrong because he will not accept his atrocious behaviour. He likes his life how it is and you are allowing it because he is manipulating you.

You need to find your anger and say enough is enough. He has no respect for you whatsoever. He does not love you because if he did he wouldn’t treat you this way.

There are brighter days ahead for you OP. Your children will be absolutely fine - of course there may be some initial upset but you need to be happy for them to be happy.