To think my marriage is over

I left a similar relationship. Some of my friends would no longer come and visit beause they couldn't stnad to see how little exh cared, and how diminshed I'd become. I completely lost my confidence.

About 2 weeks after I left, I met a friend. She said instantly: "thank goodness, the old venusandmars is back". This is how quickly my old self started to return. It took a while, and a lot of work on myself, and it was hard. But dc were fine once they'd got over the short-term disruption, really they were. I don't regret a thing. And my (now adult) dc would be 100% in agreement.

I'd want to know where he is for all those hours out of the family home. I'm getting the sniff of an affair.

wow op the more you say the worse it sounds. He’s an abusive manipulator whose crushing your spirit and self esteem.
He couldn’t cope when your DD was born , behaved terribly and has returned in body but not emotionally.
He gaslights and undermines you , treating you more like a housekeeper than an equal partner he loves and respects . He’s AWFUL !

Listen to your poor parents and get rid of him.
He checked out of your marriage years ago , only you can’t see it!
You deserve so much better !

Have people managed to convince you to leave and not worry about the other women he may introduce to the kids, or are you going to stay even though you suspect he's already having an affair?

OP please look up emotional abuse, this is exactly how it affects you

Please try not to dwell on this. Talk with a counsellor about your fears (just you, not as a couple). Your thoughts on this show how much he has worn you down - you don't think you are worth much, but you think that he will instantly find someone else. He may or he may not. If most of his friends are single or have no family he may find himself and his life fitting in with theirs - men with time to attend to only their own selfish needs. (not all men are like this).

This x100000000

This man has zero respect for you
He literally hates you

Look at the way he's behaving, you are over and have been for a very long time

Why the ever loving fuck would you care if he gets someone else?

It doesn't matter.

It sounds like it’s over OP. You and your kids deserve better. They will do well knowing their mum took some control back and no longer waited for a man to give a shit.

He clearly doesn’t enjoy time with his family. It seems it’s just convenient for him to keep the status quo.

A loving partner actively seeks time with his family. Of course a life should be well rounded - maintaining connections with friends, doing hobbies (that goes for both of you!), but primarily he should be choosing you. He’s not. Every which way, he’s not.

If he meets another woman, say good luck! You might meet another man - one that shows you love and respect. Might be nice!

Nobody can tell you what is right for you. Only you can do that. Trust yourself and your feelings.

OP, what do you mean by this? Are you saying that unless you first start having (presumably regular) sex with him, he won't make any change? If so, that is abhorrent. It is blackmail. And you know that even if you did have sex with him nothing would change anyway.

Hi OP

It reads like you know that splitting is the right thing to do but you're worried about the effect on the children if / when he meets someone else

Firstly she'd be welcome to his lazy misogynistic arse

Your kids won't be traumatised. He is unlikely to want to see them on his own, which wouldnt be much of a change to them. If he sees them with a gf he is likely to either treat them better to impress her, or she is likely to pick up his slack which means they will be better off, as I wouldn't really trust him to look after them.

Plenty of people have step parents or have parents with new partners and are perfectly fine. Most people would much rather have that, than see their mum get treated like absolute shit by their father.

Remember kids often grow up to act out / end up in the relationships they've seen modelled when growing up. You don't want your kids to be married to someone and treat them or allow themselves to be treated, how he treats you.

Please just leave gin, he sounds absolutely horrible. I think given time you'll realise you don't love him, just the idea of what you believed he was like once

OP, my parents' relationship was not good at all. Thankfully, they broke up and both ended up in much better, more functional relationships. If you only show your children this terrible relationship, it will be much harder for them to end up in functional relationships of their own. It also sounds highly unlikely that he would have primary custody, so your example of being a person with good self esteem, respect and a good life will be the major example in their lives.

You have already done all the things that people suggest: talks with him, counselling, telling him how this affects you. There aren't any options left, except life in this horrendous relationship with a person you resent and don't want touching you or get out. I'd choose get out.

You need to get prepared if something happens.

you don’t need to do anything but get a forensic accountant, get pensions and stuff ready. A lot of these situations women don’t realise that the war has already been fought. Meaning he may just been waiting for you to pull the trigger and has already hidden assets and money etc. a neighbour could not find her husband details when they are going through it so she can get all the legal things started.

he clearly has checked out so treat him like someone who has checked out. All the best

Why are you so fixated on this? This man treats you like shit. Why is the idea of anyone else being with him so horrifying to you?

Yes, when you end it, he will eventually find someone else. Possibly sooner, possibly later. So what? Your children will be fine. People’s parents get new partners, and life goes on.

I am so very sorry, Fastforwardayear. Your husband carries on like a single chap.

Don't worry too much about him finding someone else, nobody would put up with him for long.

You really do need to break up with him but you know that. Your situation is intolerable, he is so selfish. Maybe he cannot help it, I don't know but there are people in the world who are totally unsuited to family life and he sounds like one of those.

Please resolve to put things in order and separate. That will certainly give him a shock but not your problem.

No woman, or man, should be expected to put up with such immature, selfish behaviour from a partner and ultimately your children will be affected by it.

You will be better off on your own, you'll get used to it and probably thrive after a while. However I know it will be hard. You have to be strong. Thank goodness you have a job.

Good luck.

You are just the nanny and housekeeper and he's fuming that you won't also be the sex robot.

Neediness makes men run away. It’s a fact.

You must use reverse psychology if you want him back (but I don’t know why you would)

Act like you don’t even know he is around (when he is around)..get busy with self improvement. Watch him notice you again.

Men run away when you want them to care. Back off completely, get your own life, tell him he’s looking after the kids. Don’t ask, tell.

Read Ho Tactics, time for women to realise how men function

i can’t remember if you said if you have DDs or DSs but either way, would you want your son to treat his wife like this? Would you want your daughter to marry a man who treated her the same? If the answer is no then you’re doing them a favour by leaving him as they will only follow this relationship example if it’s all they know. They may be gorgeous children but they won’t have gorgeous relationships in adulthood if they don’t see good behaviour modelled.

I personally think you’ll be better off without him, you’re pretty much single anyway, he is absolutely taking the piss out of you but if you feel you cannot let him go then it would be a case of waiting until the kids are old enough to put yourself first and act the exact same way but what would really be the point? I couldn’t do it, my partner disappears sometimes after arguements to calm down but if it were every single weekend and not at home in the evenings I’d rather be alone, you’re alone anyway but just constantly wondering where he is which I know for a fact will be destroying your mental health……

He sounds very selfish and if my partner were like that I would be upset too . A night out a week is fine but every evening and weekend….doesn’t he want to spend time with you and your children? And do you never have date nights together? If you have already tried counselling I would just do as has already been suggested…arrange your own nights out and leave kids with babysitter and also arrange time with husband and the kids . If he can’t commit to planned time with his wife and children then I don’t think it’s family life that he wants. Unfortunately it does sound like you could do better but may be worth one last try.