To think my marriage is over

I'm surprised that you don't see how abusive this is. He often goes out for the entire evening, leaving you at home doing childcare. He agreed to ONE night where you could go out while he stayed with the kids, and then he reneged on it by staying out late. Then he blamed it on you, that you shouldn't have expected him to come home for the time he had agreed to. From where I sit, he clearly did this deliberately so that you would know that ONLY HE is allowed to go out, that YOU are NOT allowed to go out. That HE will go out and stay out as long as he wants, and that he is under no obligation to stick to his word. That HIS wants are important, and yours are unimportant.

That sort of behavior on his part is extremely manipulative. Getting your hopes up, only to dash them to the rocks. It's incredible that he came home to you at 11:30 pm to you all dressed up in your mascara and then told you it was your fault. I don't understand how you don't see how that is emotional abuse towards you.

He has trained you to accept being treated like dirt, and as if all the world agrees with him that you have somehow done him wrong if you don't applaud his narcissistic behavior.

I'm going to take a wild guess here that when he tells his work buddies about you and "they all agree" that YOU are the problem, that the way he phrases it is, "I offered to stay with the kids so she could go out, but she wouldn't work with me on the schedule, instead she expected me to cancel my plans with my friends and leave them in the lurch, she's completely unreasonable."

I don't want to be the voice of doom, but this man is out with his friends, most nights, until all hours, and for many entire weekends, at "festivals." You are worried that if you break up, he will find someone new, but how do you know that he hasn't already done so? He certainly has the opportunity, and he seems to have zero loyalty to you, so what would hold him back from having one or more affairs, or even a long-term girlfriend?

You seem to be basing your entire self-worth on him loving you. I get that society gives men a lot of room to be total jerks and yet still be validated, whereas women are condemned for any failure to be beautiful, great moms, high flying career women, perfectly adaptable wives who provide amazing intimacy on demand (no matter whether they receive the same in return), etc. But in my estimation, this man isn't worth 1% of what you are worth. You deserve better than him. You really do.

You can go separately.

Hi OP - it sounds like you’ve done your utmost to reason with him and it’s getting you nowhere. He acts like he wants, and is manipulative when you’ve tried counselling.

Given his track record, I wouldn’t expect him to agree with you if you try to discuss separating. Instead just start the admin process of divorce, keep focussed on your future, and get yourself out of there. On to next steps.

I know you’re worried about him meeting someone else, but try and reframe that as a relief - If that happens then he’s someone else’s problem and you can live your best life without him.

What is the purpose of posting this? It only serves to keep women in awful relationships. It's fear mongering. Th parents in that article handled their divorce and aftermath badly which is what has affected the writer and her husband. Not the break up itself.

Agree with all of this. Ignore posters who are telling you to go for counselling, it's never advised where there is abuse involved.

This man has been aggressive punching walls, is gaslighting you currently making everything out to be your fault, making you question your own judgement, slapping your bottom suggestively every time you bend over... All of this is abusive. He's a nasty piece pf work. Stop worrying about him finding another woman. Pity the next woman. Hopefully she will wise up fast.

You need to accept it's over and allow your parents to support you in leaving. Your children will grow up learning that this is how relationships are conducted. This is damaging for dc whether they are boys or girls.

All you are hearing is what he says. You don't know that any of it is true and even if it is, then you don't know what he's been saying to them. He is toxic and you will regain yourself when you get rid of him. If he does meet another woman then I don't think he'd be hurrying to introduce her to the children, do you?

https://thespectator.com/topic/how-divorce-never-ends/?fbclid=IwY2xjawHgttZleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHdEIZqkAK_Xz8dVAiTc1ELHY9enqkO-H9ZoMfFNXR8yLB2i2cZ-WUdm8Lw_aem__BdxSzJlPsvfwHbX7hwlhg

When you're thinking about your future and the well-being of you and your children, why is what Bob at work said to your DH part of your considerations? It sounds like you are taking the nonsense other people are saying over your own experience. Your DH is an unpleasant, abusive man who doesn't care about you - stop listening to him and listen to yourself. Unsure why you're so fixated on this hypothetical other woman.

He’s basically destroying you, OP. That’s what it amounts to. There is no way I would put up with this. And I know for certain that if my DH or BIL behaved like this, PIL would come down on them like a ton of bricks. Yours thinks this is ok - it most certainly is not.

He’s doing it because he can get away with it. If you carry on putting up with this, you will be miserable - and DC should not have a miserable DM.

So your counsellor agreed that it was OK for him to walk out and leave you with a new born baby and that now it is OK for him to be out 5 evenings a week? Your counsellor sounds absolutely crap. Anyway, a counsellor can't fix your DH as he doesn't want to be fixed. He is living the life of a single man while you work and do everything at home. You just need to plan your departure.

I also had depression after my daughter was born. I have never punched a wall in my life.

@Fastforwardayear he is making this stuff up about his workmates. And his sister. And even if it were true it’d be because he fed them a pack of lies! Ditch him. Cross the bridge of another woman when it comes.

@Fastforwardayear ffs stop thinking of some mystical imaginary women he may become the perfect gent for. It’s not going to happen. He doesn’t care about changing. He doesn’t care about anyone else. If he dates again he will be the same person.

you want to stay with him for a miserable existence for the rest of your life so he does g have some imaginary brain bypass and become a wonderful loving doting partner to someone else?

Seperate. Stop navel gazing. He doesnt care enough to be part of a strong loving family unit.

You will be a better stronger happy mother and woman when it’s all over.

the kids will have a better, happier and mentally healthier mother which is better for them.

also - look at the role modelling you are doing for your children by accepting this and staying. What would you advise your children if they were in a relationship like this? What will you say to them in 20 years when they ask you why you stayed with someone never there for you? Someone that never really played a part in their lives? Might as well just get a lodger.

You appear to be in a situation where being with and ‘chosen’ by this man is integral to your self worth. Your reaction to not knowing where he is isn’t anger at his disrespect and lack of consideration, like most women’s would be, for example. Most women wouldn’t get back together with someone who abandoned them with a newborn, and so on and so forth.

Now, based on your comments:

• You won’t put your foot down, stop being a doormat and demand respect - because you don’t have the energy.
• You won’t try counselling as you’ve done it before.
• You won’t leave, because then this horror of a man might ‘choose’ someone else.

So, basically, you’re setting the scene to just stay exactly as you are.

My ex never got involved in fatherhood, found it boring, cold, wanted to stay home on his phone. It's only since we have divorced he takes them in holiday and will do a school pick up.

It's amazing how they will change once they have to or feel guilty enough to want to put things right.

It is patently clear that he isn't a decent person

Exactly what an abuser does .
Gets on your head!

Every bit of advice you get , your reply is “but he said this “
”but he said that”

what he says is bullshit so he can live the life he chooses with no consequences .
People on here are looking in with clear head and no doubt experience. .
They have no reason to bullshit you .
He does!

Forget what he says.
Leave the marriage
As advised get your ducks on a row
Stop speaking to him about sorting things and out your energy into your escape plan .

They do there. They gather allies. Even Bob up the road thinks you're a cracking head bitch. It's just another tactic.

My one told me even my own brother agrees I XYZ. I told him he doesn't need to gather allies. I dont give a fuck what other people think including my brother. I'm not happy and it's my life.

Punching walls is extremely aggressive behaviour.

For the love of god, leave this scummy bastard.

Of course it matters - you still have to be there whether the kids are in bed or not. What was he like before you were married OP? I ask because he’s behaving like a single man, and you can’t carry on a relationship while he’s treating you as the hired help. I would confront him and tell him you need to work this out and he needs to step up or the marriage is over. Left to it’s own devices it’s not going to get any better and it’ sending entirely the wrong message to your children.

OP you are jumping the gun in trying to anticipate what it will be like for your kids to meet his potential next woman!! Don't even go there!! First he would have to find a new home, then a girlfriend, then hope he can keep her when he snores and wakes up with bloodstained teeth. Does not sound good from the personal hygiene aspect with his teeth. And you think he's a catch??
He is projecting his own shortcomings onto you and then expecting you take full responsibility for them. Some aspects of his behaviour mimic gaslighting - only not necessarily with you but the professionals you have approached for help. This is why some of these sessions should be held separately so you can say what you need to say without fear of your DH riding roughshod over your very valid feelings. This man is controlling you.
Make 2025 be the year that you discover yourself.
Get your ducks in a row and then initiate the split! Opt for 50/50 childcare - he won't have time for all his activities. Then you can start living a happier life than your current one. Making the break is not easy. Been there and done it. But oh the freedom it offers!!