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Original poster

To think my marriage is over

535 replies

Fastforwardayear · 01/01/2025 10:59

So I have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. Have 2 children aged 4 and 7 and since they came along I have been so lonely. DH is out most night of the week and doesn’t help with much at home. He spends weekends away at various events and thinks that this behaviour is ok. It might be for some people but it isn’t for me. This is not how I thought family life would be. The resentment has built up that much I can’t stand the thought of being intimate with him and he doesn’t feel he needs to change anything to gain that back so I honestly feel we are at a loss. I do love him very much but really, is that enough?. The thought of him meeting somebody else really hurts but I still think that alone isn’t enough to keep us together.

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Imbusytodaysorry · 23/01/2025 09:46

Fastforwardayear · 23/01/2025 08:48

They don’t want to go. My 7 year old DD doesn’t want to go to her dads this week either

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Don’t send them . You have grounds he has left the family for another women . A courts first thought is for the kids . Your ex certainly isn’t putting the kids first .
Everyone needs time .
I know a lot of people will say be careful but i certainly wouldn’t be playing to his tune when it effects my kids.

Send a message saying Dd isn’t feeling too great and won’t be coming this weekend .
Also can or did you have your half hour free solicitor app ? I can’t remember .
If not get advice on how to act so he can’t take the kids . They can send a letter stating you do not agree. .

Maybe you feel You could send a separate message telling him the kids won’t be going abroad .

Original poster
Fastforwardayear · 23/01/2025 08:48

Imbusytodaysorry · 23/01/2025 08:34

Oh yes !

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They don’t want to go. My 7 year old DD doesn’t want to go to her dads this week either

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Imbusytodaysorry · 23/01/2025 08:34

Fastforwardayear · 23/01/2025 07:36

Does he need my consent?

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Oh yes !

Original poster
Fastforwardayear · 23/01/2025 07:36

It will be nice to go and see their grandparents but it just hurts so much

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Original poster
Fastforwardayear · 23/01/2025 07:36

JustMyView13 · 23/01/2025 07:22

He’s not taking the kids out the country without your consent…

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Does he need my consent?

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JustMyView13 · 23/01/2025 07:22

Fastforwardayear · 23/01/2025 07:15

I also found out last night he is taking her and the kids to visit his family abroad in the holidays

He’s not taking the kids out the country without your consent…

Original poster
Fastforwardayear · 23/01/2025 07:15

It’s just one kick in the stomach after the other

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Original poster
Fastforwardayear · 23/01/2025 07:15

I also found out last night he is taking her and the kids to visit his family abroad in the holidays

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Original poster
Fastforwardayear · 13/01/2025 11:24

What I find completely bizarre is that I thought I knew this person, now he just feels like a complete stranger to me.

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Original poster
Fastforwardayear · 13/01/2025 00:13

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 12/01/2025 18:21

OP you've been advised against moving into your Mums by 'Itsgottobeme' who said 'Do not move with the children. He then can use "keeping the children in their family home and settled" against you In future court'. Have you checked with a solicitor that moving in with your Mum is a good idea, or have I misunderstood?

And also he could not have full custody of the kids due to his working hours. He struggles with one night per week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fastforwardayear · 13/01/2025 00:03

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 12/01/2025 18:21

OP you've been advised against moving into your Mums by 'Itsgottobeme' who said 'Do not move with the children. He then can use "keeping the children in their family home and settled" against you In future court'. Have you checked with a solicitor that moving in with your Mum is a good idea, or have I misunderstood?

Yea we have both agreed to sell the property first

OP posts:
MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 12/01/2025 18:21

OP you've been advised against moving into your Mums by 'Itsgottobeme' who said 'Do not move with the children. He then can use "keeping the children in their family home and settled" against you In future court'. Have you checked with a solicitor that moving in with your Mum is a good idea, or have I misunderstood?

Original poster
Fastforwardayear · 12/01/2025 17:17

We have decided to sell the house and I move into my house afterwards to get some extra money behind me. Although he is saying my daughter is distressed at the thought of going to my mums and I need to think about her. She isn’t distressed?!? Does moving into my mums affect him in some way? He can see the children whenever he likes, infact I really wish he would see them more!

OP posts:
CeceliaImrie · 11/01/2025 21:04

Before we had children I definitely had the upper hand, it seems he has got me right he he wants me now.

This statement. The world over.

Critsey · 11/01/2025 10:44

I have yet to read an update EVER on here that has ever said that leaving a piece of shit like your ex was a bad idea.

Women thrive.
Yes it may be hard at times to juggle.
But every single one of them in their heart of hearts feel free, at peace, calm and that their children have adjusted surprisingly well.

Living with a piece of shit means your life is stuck, in a holding place. Never moving forward because of living with selfish scum.

NOW, hard though it may be at times, you WILL move forward.

We are here for you.
Keep posting for advice.
So many women can give you excellent advice as you navigate getting fully rid of this scum.
You are amazing.
You can 100% do this.

Original poster
Fastforwardayear · 11/01/2025 09:23

Itsgottobeme · 11/01/2025 07:09

Do not move with the children. He then can use "keeping the children in their family home and settled" agaisnt you In future court.
He's shown you who he is. And spite is screaming from him. He won't act for you or the kids.
He will stay in the home. He may try to keep the children. Move her in.live rent free!
You cant sell from under him. He won't need to pay child support.
No no no.

Edited

He couldn’t have the kids 50/50 anyway, he is struggling with one night per week.

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XWKD · 11/01/2025 07:49

Fastforwardayear · 10/01/2025 18:39

Not that it’s relevant but she had ex H when she was really young and he was brought up by grandparents. How could she judge my choices

Because her golden boy could do no wrong? 🤣

She her parents raised a piece of shit.

Itsgottobeme · 11/01/2025 07:09

Do not move with the children. He then can use "keeping the children in their family home and settled" agaisnt you In future court.
He's shown you who he is. And spite is screaming from him. He won't act for you or the kids.
He will stay in the home. He may try to keep the children. Move her in.live rent free!
You cant sell from under him. He won't need to pay child support.
No no no.

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 10/01/2025 21:21

OP why are you speaking to MIL? She is NOT on your side, and in the future you should have very little, if anything to do with her, other than at any events for your children that she may be at. Try and distance yourself from her, as anything that you say will go back to HIM, regardless of how well you may have got on in the past.

Hollietree · 10/01/2025 19:31

Fastforwardayear · 10/01/2025 18:34

I spoke to MIL

this was her answer

Will do. At the end of the day, it's the children that need to come 1st that's what matters . You n are big enough to cope with this , but the effect on the children is what matters, and you both have to put differences aside and put them first , however hard that may be. X

Your decisions could impact their life , make sure you make the right ones . Even speaking to the children x

what does this mean?

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I read that to mean:

  • My son has behaved like a prick but please don’t say that in front of the kids, even though it’s tempting to.
  • She loves her Grandkids and wants to remind you to be mature and always put their wellbeing first in every decision you are making.

I think she’s also trying to remain neutral in her message…….. but remember that she will always side with her son, even when she knows he’s in the wrong.

Don’t disclose to her what you are doing or plan to do in the future. Be polite but keep your cards close to your chest with any in-laws. They will always be on his team, even if they love/care for you.

Original poster
Fastforwardayear · 10/01/2025 18:39

Not that it’s relevant but she had ex H when she was really young and he was brought up by grandparents. How could she judge my choices

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Original poster
Fastforwardayear · 10/01/2025 18:34

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 10/01/2025 17:19

You will!! You'll be back, the best version of yourself, a strong, fabulous woman, wondering what you ever saw in the prick ❤️

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I spoke to MIL

this was her answer

Will do. At the end of the day, it's the children that need to come 1st that's what matters . You n are big enough to cope with this , but the effect on the children is what matters, and you both have to put differences aside and put them first , however hard that may be. X

Your decisions could impact their life , make sure you make the right ones . Even speaking to the children x

what does this mean?

OP posts:
AMurderofMurderingCrows · 10/01/2025 17:19

Fastforwardayear · 10/01/2025 14:43

I have had some lovely advice on here and it has honestly helped get me through these last few weeks. I can’t thank you all enough. Hopefully I will be back in 6 months time telling you all you were right. Xx

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You will!! You'll be back, the best version of yourself, a strong, fabulous woman, wondering what you ever saw in the prick ❤️

ChristmasFluff · 10/01/2025 17:01

I promise you, you are not too old and have no reason to mourn the loss of this excuse for a man - although it is very important to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel and comfort yourself through it. What's left here isn't love, it's a trauma bbond - and the horrible truth is, a trauma bond feels way stronger than love.

I divorced in my 40s, and yes, I immediately got into a relationship with an abuser (so be careful - you are vulnerable). But once that was done, I had some AMAZING relationships in my late 40s and 50s.

Single now, out of choice. I'm 60, and feel life is only really beginning, because of semi-retirement. You are so young, you have so much life ahead of you - and you won't be with an arsehole! Yay!

Original poster
Fastforwardayear · 10/01/2025 14:43

Liddlemoreaction · 10/01/2025 14:08

OP, your new life is going to be SO much better than the one you’ve had for the last 10 years! so much better.
You’ll look back and just feel sheer relief that you no longer have to live like that.

I have had some lovely advice on here and it has honestly helped get me through these last few weeks. I can’t thank you all enough. Hopefully I will be back in 6 months time telling you all you were right. Xx

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