Didn’t realise my mates wouldn’t take their wailing kid out…. defriend?

What would you rather? His parents have hurt feelings or your baby has a hurt eye?

You need to tell them to keep their child away from your baby or you won't be able to socialise any more.

That's fine, but people do notice that sort of attitude though, even parents with no SEN kids.

Yes we've become isolated as a SEN family (my child isn't even aggressive, just vocally stims and has LD too). We have found it has sorted the sanctimonious dicks from the decent, understanding people, so that is an advantage.

So when are you going to bring this up with your friend then?

The trouble with reacting like this, is you better hope and pray your child never plays up or you will look ridiculous. Smug parenting is not nice. I can't believe so many people are defending your unsupportive nasty attitude. I suppose it just sums up the mood of the times.

The parents of the screaming child should've taken him out earlier, it's strange that they waited 20 mins.

Regarding the hitting child, if you felt that it was avoidable then how come you, your DH or the child's parents failed to stop it happening? It's unfair to solely blame the child's parents if there's a potential reason for his behaviour, it always happens and you/DH were also present and knew the child would be there. For this child/family if you can't arrange a playdate without your baby present then you simply can't meet up with them.

Defriending is a bit extreme, unless you just aren't interested in meeting up with them. Sounds like the day was stressful and annoying for all involved.

The whacking boy is fine in front of a film and wasn’t the one crying but he won’t sit at a meal he just gets up around our table though. Luckily he doesn’t run off.

Then that is down to bad parenting too. Funny how he could avoid his whacking urges until 3 adults were looking elsewhere, that's not nd, that's calculated. Time to put your baby first, head injuries can be life changing.

Agree with others though, don't go to places that require decent parenting with them, ie the park, if you still like them after this, but it might be time to move on and find others with similar views to yourself.

Sounds hard OP, but those parents would have been in a tricky situation. If they take the child out, what next? Either the whole family has to go home, or they try (and probably fail) to get their little one back in the cinema.

I'm sure your friend was twice as embarrassed as you, and will feel markedly worse if you now start declining similar invites.

I can imagine finding it frustrating in the cinema - and feeling annoyed by their lack of awareness of the impact on other people. But ‘mortifying’ says more about you than it does about them - finding yourself paralysingly embarrassed after this one incident with your friend suggests there is perhaps more to this story? Or you are extremely sensitive to how strangers perceive you?

That was about the kid in the cinema. The hitting kid she said ‘his own parents warning and watching him’ and that he does get told off for it. This has happened before and OP new the risk, her and the kids parents were trying but dealing with that many kids in a restaurant is hard at the best of times. The restaurant was clearly a bad idea. I wouldn’t do outings like this anymore either

I don't think they need a "friend" who is going to judge everything they do, and make a post on Mumsnet about them being "that type" of parents.
So yeah you're probably better off leaving them alone. I'm sure you can find other perfect parents elsewhere with their perfect kids who never do anything out of line.

Why would you want to say you don't want to be friends anymore over this?

Defriend? Have you been hoping to shed them for a while?

I don't think this child's behaviour is a reason to defriend. That would be hugely over the top.

Just don't see them with kids or in other settings.

This is unnecessarily dickish.
Really diminishes your argument about being unhappy with other people acting rudely.

I know a few similar families. They continue to blame all the other children for their children's really poor behaviour and choices. Baffling and infuriating.

More importantly put a stop to your baby being whacked. I'd be honest and say until it stops we will be on a break. Making excuses to leave early doesn't solve the problem. Mind you child's parents may not do anything to stop it continuing but you will have stood up for your child.

This

I think this is right. You can't value them all that much if a day out not going well for a four year old is enough to make you jump ship. If he does eventually have SEND and you ditch them while they are going through the shit of diagnosis, getting support and appropriate (and it is very, very stressful) it really doesn't make you look good.

In your friend's situation I would have took my child out though, as I have done many times.

If their child is on a diagnostic pathway chances are they have SEND and it is not the right environment for the child, but I bet that nobody has suggested or tried to signpost these parents to the right information. They have probably been advised to ignore undesirable behaviour, but this won't always work with an overwhelmed SEN child. They need to leave the situation. I have been through it myself, and you are just left to work these different parent techniques out, and even then, the techniques don't necessarily work.

I would probably avoid going out with busier places with your friend's child. Your friend might notice a difference in behaviour and realise what environments suit her son or not.

I think on balance, I’d cut the cinema parents some slack. They were likely overwhelmed themselves. Not saying you should remain friends, just put yourself in their shoes a bit.
I used to take my daughter to the cinema with mum friends when she was little and way before she got an autism diagnosis. She would very much want to see the film and be with her friends, but she would have a terrible time just prior to the film and all through the first half. When you’re the only mum with a child like that in a group, you’re overwhelmed yourself and your mind is whirring with all sorts of different permutations e.g. if I stay a bit longer, she’ll settle. If I take her out now, will it reset her or will it mean she takes longer to settle?
I remember having to leave situations I’d invested time and money into and feeling so irritated by the waste. Now I know what she was suffering, I’d be so much more understanding but I didn’t know what was going on and just muddled through.
I think 20 mins straight wailing is obv. way too much - I’d have taken DD out after a couple of minutes at most, but that said, some people’s perception of what’s acceptable over a period of time is different and if you as the parent are overwhelmed and experiencing decision paralysis due to this, the sense of time may be lost.

I wouldn't want to be around people like that. I'd avoid socialising again in a public setting. Assuming you actually like these people I'd just keep it to home visits. Otherwise bin off if you don't actually enjoy their company. Life's too short.

That's the thing with maternity leave friends - the only thing you have in common is that your babies were born at the same time. If you want to keep meeting up, then do, but accept that it will always be a bit chaotic as you all have different parenting styles. Otherwise, you can just hang out with the ones in the group that you have a bit more in common with. No one is forcing you to go to full group meet ups if you no longer enjoy them. But if the older kids will get on then you may just have to suck it up, keep a closer eye on your baby, and accept that it's never going to be the most fun afternoon of the year for you.