Didn’t realise my mates wouldn’t take their wailing kid out…. defriend?

Just phase them out... their company isn't enjoyable so don't bother with them.

They sound like people to steer clear of. Chaos, low character and inflicting their personal drama on others. No thanks.

"had a handful of shitty nappy and he just walked in, grabbed her head and dug his nails into her face… so couldn’t exactly stop him)!" Sorry but that is rubbish. Downstairs loo and if you're on the floor they're usually small enough you could put your foot out to stop him opening the door or blocked him with your body. You could have dropped the nappy and stopped him. You're not looking after her. Or your DH - as soon has the boy gets anywhere near you drop what you're doing - handing out food or changing a nappy. It isn't hard. You're not being alert in my opinion. You know what this boy is like and need to be hypervigilant and stop making excuses as they seem very weak.

This.
It sounds mildly embarrassing and a bit stressful. But you went out with several under 5s so…

You say obviously, but you said it was completely OPs fault which wasn’t fair. I wouldn’t end the friendship over it either though, I don’t think any of the parents did perfectly.

Obviously all the adults are responsible for watching their children but i mean it’s not worth ending a friendship over. The op has to take some responsibility for it happening and hopefully they can stay friends and the child and parents don’t miss out.

To be fair they were in a restaurant, you get the table you are given, there may well not have been a corner they could put the high chair in. I agree between 4 parents (OP and her DH, and other kids parents) they should have been able to stop it though. But then they all came up with this daft plan anyway so it’s no surprise this happened.

I have to agree with this. It's not that hard to keep him away. You or your DH or both should be focusing on keeping an eye on the baby at all times - she could have been tucked in a corner in her high chair where he couldn't have reached her. You then keep an eye that he doesn't come round the back of you or under the table. You just have to be vigilant. Where were you changing her nappy that he had a chance to go for her face/eyes? He would have been in my periphery vision and I would have stopped him in his tracks. If that boy's parents aren't monitoring him around a baby I'd be more annoyed with them. They need to be vigilant too and say "no" and bring his hand down away from her, but there is no way he'd get within a metre of her if I was watching. I've gone through this. I had one mum say to me I know he's tall but he's only 2.5 when he kept leaving the room to go and try and poke my 8 month old in the face. I realise while he looked 4 he was 2.5 but I still don't want my child hurt. Your baby could have sat on your DH's lap with you blocking access to her.

So 4 adults, with 6 children between them.

But 2 of the children (the 4yr old and your baby) weren't being looked after at all from what you said - otherwise he wouldnt have gotten to hit her.

So 4 adults had 1 child each that they were caring for? sounds a bit pathetic.

I totally understand how frustrating this must’ve been, but I have to say that you are being a bit over the top in your reaction.

why drop your friends because of it?

Im afraid young kids are unpredictable, and despite the best parenting, will still break things/ hit other kids/cry incessantly. It’s why I’ll be glad when the early years are over ( controversial I know!)

my friends DD had to be taken out the cinema because it was too loud - ‘spoiled’ the trip for all of us as we all left and got a refund. But these things happen and we went somewhere else instead.

i don’t drop friends because I missed out on watching the latest Disney release.

As you say, it sounds like there are SEN issues at play, so maybe not meet at Pizza express? Follow your friend’s lead on venues. Stick to outdoor, or places with kids areas attached. Cinema is always a tricky one.

also be careful to judge others parenting- trying to calm him may have been the best thing for that particular child. Perhaps he usually settles down after 10 minutes? But that day he didn’t stop. It’s very easy to judge and many parents seem to think their child’s behaviour is all down to their wonderful parenting when the kid’s nature has a LOT to do with it.

Their kid sounds like all the neurodivergent kids of that age that I know.

They probably find it hard to have friends because of their child's behaviour. Maybe see if you can give them a pass for this occasion and stay in touch

It was not completely OPs fault, the parents can take some of the blame. It was just a bad plan all round though expecting all the kids to sit quietly in the cinema for a few hours and then sit down nicely at a table in a restaurant too. Especially knowing not all the kids could manage it. All the adults played their part in this event.

Who can like people who let their kids ruin an outing for everyone else.

If her child did have a meltdown in a cinema, she'd take him out so that he didn't ruin the experience for everyone else.

Think you just have to accept that other kids are different and differently parented and enjoy the chaos.

This attitude - and all the handwringing that the parents need support and kindness - is why childfree events are on the rise.

I think the whole cinema and pizza outing sounds suited to older children. At that age we found it more comfortable being in a soft play, the ones near us served pretty nice food and coffees.

So I don't think you need to defriend them, but I think the outings should be suited to their age a bit more. I've known some kids via school friends over the years not enjoying the cinema until closer to age 10 for instance.

The situation with the hitting 4 year old in the restaurant was easy to avoid. It was completely your fault for letting it happen, you said you knew he would do it given a chance, you gave him a chance.
the 4 year old that hits needed to be sat with an adult and away from the baby. It was a sit down meal so if you wanted to still see them for the short term, I’d just make it short visit somewhere like a park where you can keep the baby in pram or sling.

Certain kids only cope well in certain situations.
Least you know now that with this friend - cinema and resturants are out.

Agree. I ended a friendship as her kids used to attack my older child, and when he cried (he was only little), she'd have a go at him and tell him he was a baby. The final straw was when my middle one was picked up and dropped by one of them. I told them to leave him alone as he could sit but not stand at this point, and they did it anyway, and he banged his head. Friendship finished.

You carry on looking out for your defenseless baby, my patience and understanding ends when my baby's safety is in question. I have dropped friends with children hitting/biting choking my daughter. One boy was 4, another 6. I might be called sanctimonious dick on Mumsnet but at least I don't have to endure the company of their unruly children. Now my daughter is 11 and she's in charge of who's invited anyway

Maybe not end the friendship, but find a way of keeping the children apart. Is it possible to see the friend separate from the son? The child might mature eventually or improve - once you have ended the friendship you can't really go back.

Sadly you have to be very vigilant with some SEN kids. I follow my son everywhere and he isn't particularly aggressive to other kids (he is to us at times and doesn't realise it's not appropriate, so we don't take the risk). I think you are better off chatting to your friend about this and being honest. Ask her if there are better places you can go where her son doesn't become dysregulated and hit out.

I do feel for them as your world gets incredibly small with lots of places you can't go to. I think you are better off going for walks or to quieter parks, rather than busy places. Can you just pop around theirs where the place is more familiar to their son? It's crap, but unfortunately having additional needs is restrictive a lot of the time when the kids are young.

It's up to you whether you decide not to be friends any more. But a solution would be to only go to activities that don't require sitting and keeping quiet.

Children mature at different ages. Some children can sit happily in a cinema from a very young age, others can't until they're much older.

If after every event you're stressed and upset, there's no point in continuing to socialise with this family. In that case, just let it fade away. No need for dramatics. But if you can cope with soft play and activities that allow kids to run, scream and be boisterous just stick with those type of things with them.

I definitely wouldn't end a friendship because of someone's child behaving badly, but I would avoid going to the cinema, restaurants etc until they are older. At 4 a child should be able to understand that you sit quietly in a cinema and how to behave in a restaurant.

I'm on the fence about the cinema parents. The hitting 4 year old though - seriously, keep your baby away from him, as in not meeting up any more, not just trying to keep an eye on him when you do meet.