Is my mum BU or am I?

You are not going to change your DM or her views - only how you react to them.

So I would just change the subject or tell her to stop talking about it. You are divorced and nothing will change that so she has to accept that and that you want to move on with your life.

Tell her she is spoiling your own relationship with each other and that you will just have to agree to disagree with her outdated views.

I mean what does she actually want from you? Never to be in a relationship ever again? That’s not reasonable is it? And surely she knows that? Or maybe she wants you all to herself?

😆

Stop giving her details about your relationship or seeking approval from her. You KNOW you'll never get it. He will never be who she wants her daughter involved with /married to. So that's that.

If you’re seeing him just say you're busy/have plans. If she asks how it is going or anything, just say fine and change the subject. Don’t try to convince her or bring her on your side. Don't engage in debates as to why he's good/bad for you.

Best you can hope for is, is that as years go by, and the relationship goes well and he treats you well and you and the kids are happy, she'll swallow her pride and accept him (if not embrace him) for your sake and the children's.

Have you even read what the OP said about her mother? It seems not.

In the original post and it's been non-stop issues with my mum and I honestly can't take it anymore. Constant disapproval and disappointment in me Doesn't sound like support to me.

And @mumorme2 ignore all comments from@ForOliveOP . It’s Clea they are either your mum or the kind of women who thinks mariage is forever and you should live out your life lone in a mild degree of shame for your marriage having failed 🙄

the conversation i would be having with my mum is: so bottom line is you are saying that i am introducing a predator/potential predator into my children's lives?

And see what she says.

If you are taking things slowly, not putting yourself or your children in stupid positions, then you are fine and your mum must learn to live with the new you.

You could try telling her that your relationship with this man, including that of your children, is something you are not going to discuss with her, and keep to it.

If this mother has been side by side her daughter through these “very difficult years”, supported her, loved her, helped with her children…. then i’m inclined to think that she’s worried.

OP - if she’s been nothing but horrible throughout this time, then why continue to have anything to do with her? let alone be worried about her view on your love life

Why do you say that? It sounds like the @mumorme2 is being sensible and measured, it’s not like they’ve been seeing each other a month and he’s moved in. The marriage has been over (just not formally dissolved) for years and she is entitled to move on, it sounds like her mum is unreasonable and old fashioned and concerned about er being embarrassed in the community rather than anything else.

@mumorme2 take it slow, don’t get the kids involved too soon and be careful as you are vulnerable after a bad relationship but don’t let your mum rule (& ruin, again) your life.

Stop listening to your mother and don’t talk to her about your relationship with this man

Or alternatively after her daughter's hard few years she could instead be thrilled that her daughter has found a lovely kind man who her daughter is at last enjoying life with rather than being in a terribly unhappy marriage rather than being judgemental and more concerned about what her neighbours will think because her daughter shock horror in 2024 is divorced! Like a normal person would be!

You do realise that once you reach a certain age, any new partner is likely to have an ex and kids? And OP herself has an ex and kids.

I'm really shocked at some of the earlier responses.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with how you're approaching this. You've been together for a year, the kids appear to have met and played together on public neutral ground after 8 or 9 months, and that's the sum of their interaction with this man.

I'd say that's pretty much perfectly handled. Your problem is your mum, not your actions.

It's been a very hard few years

so. basically for the duration of the youngest child’s entire life

i imagine the mother just wants the best of her daughter and grandchildren after seeing up close how devastating the last few years have been and just wants the Op to rebuild her life and her children’s, as an independent woman and focus on channeling her energy in to a stable home and work.

A boyfriend, with an ex and children of his own…. i’d be concerned

The one where this is an adult woman in an established relationship of a year and where her children don't even realise he is her partner. Also the one where I am pleased she is freeing herself from a controlling, religious mother who does not get to dictate how an adult lives her life. What's your angle other than judgmental?

i wonder from what angle you’re coming from?!

Oh behave !

He isn't a new man. People on here are unrealistic. A man you have been seeing a year is not a new man but an established relationship. The vote stats of 96% say you are NOT unreasonable gives you a better indication rather than some of the comments!

It sounds as if you’re being pretty sensible about this op. Your priorities are to protect and care for your children. If you have met someone that you see yourself eventually spreading the load with someone else whilst continuing to care for your children and keeping them safe, your life can be enriched by being in a relationship. You have a responsibility to your children. You do not, however, have a responsibility to pander to your mother’s religious beliefs and views. I would try to get on the best you can with her and see these a her issue and eccentricity.

They have been together a year

But clearly they have been getting together for some time

How early on op?

oh dear

You said in your OP that you've changed (no longer a people pleaser, putting up boundaries) and your DM will have sensed all this, no matter how gentle or subtle the changes.

These changes have come about since your divorce and since you met the new guy so DM is likely thinking 'he's changed her'. Quite understandable as an outsider looking in. She's worried that he maybe coercive and controlling and can't see that you are autonomously doing the changes yourself and for yourself.

Alternatively DM has been controlling of you and is struggling to relinquish that control and is annoyed that she can't control you anymore.

A friend of a friend divorced, she has 3 kids and met a new man. He's a coercive arsehole and love bombs her but she can't see it. To her, he does no wrong but he's starting to isolate her from friends and its all getting very worrying. Has your DM met this new guy? It might help to put her mind at rest or show her up for being controlling.

You are fine OP. You have not committed any gross moral offences. Enjoy time with your new man and blended family. The children are fine. Tell your mum you are making decisions about your own life and she either comes on board or gets left behind.

there is a MN tradition of telling people they shouldn’t have another relationship until their kids get go to uni. It’s nonsense. Your children need to be safe and happy, that is it. It’s been a year, how long do people expect you to wait to move on. I bet your ex has someone already .

Why must it? What an odd reaction.

I agree. You sound like a responsible parent, OP, and your mum sounds controlling.