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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I of gotten in the car?

519 replies

CountryVic · 01/01/2025 01:16

I have a friend with 2 kids, ages 5 and 10, her 10 year old has additional needs and can be quite hard work (suspected ADHD).

When we go out together, she has to drive because of the car seat requirement for her 5 year old. Lately her 10 year old will not get out of the front seat when picking me up, I’ve had to resort to sitting in the back with the 5 year old and her car is not overly roomy in the back seat. The last time I was in the back for 1 hour 20 mins each way and it was super uncomfortable on my back. In the past when I have managed to get in the front seat before him, he has kicked the chair constantly on the drive back.

Last week I was asked if I wanted to go watch their football game, so I said yes but that I needed to sit in the front seat. I reminded him of this on Monday when I bumped into them down the street. They came to pick me up this morning for 7.45am. He was not going to get out of the front seat, no amount of telling off or bribing or threats from his mum worked, and he was really shouting and winding the window up and down, if the door was opened he would slam it, my neighbour actually called out is everything ok? So I shut the door and said I’ll drive my own car and meet you there. She was a bit put out by this but I said my backs not been that great and I don’t want to sit in the back for 45 mins and he’s clearly not going to move.

So she left, I got in my car, but then realised that I didn’t know which football oval they were playing on. I tried calling her but no answer so I sent a text saying I needed the oval name and address and set off to the area I thought it was in. 15 mins into the drive I stopped for a takeaway coffee, no text response from her, called again and no answer. So I sent another text and said I’ll have to give it a miss as not sure which oval, and I went home.

I got a message from her at 11am saying it was a shame I missed out on their great day out and next time I should be a little bit more tolerant, because I know how their son can be, and that flexibility goes a long way in a friendship. I’ve responded that from now on it just may be easier if I drive myself, and that I’ve always been accomodating to her family’s needs, but the shouting at 7.30am was just to much for me.

Should I of gotten in her car? AIBU here to say I’ll drive myself from now on, so I can avoid all the drama? It does mean we can’t catch up in the car but to be honest he’s usually talking over the top of everyone and cuts you off so it’s not like the conversation is flowing well. I do enjoy spending time with them and she says she appreciates the extra hand as we typically do kid things when her husband is not available, and I always pay for lunch or dinner for us all, and my own entry into events. My children are in their 20s now so maybe I’m less tolerant. I do value our friendship, we’re the same age but I had my kids at 25, 27 and 30 and she had hers at 37 and 42 - we’re both 48 this year.

TLDR - would you sit in the back seat of a car if a child wouldn’t move for you? Or drive yourself.

OP posts:
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5
HamptonPlace · 04/01/2025 23:57

CountryVic · 01/01/2025 01:44

How else can I word it? Should I of hopped into the car? Clambered? Accepted a lift?

In hindsight I would have driven myself, but we live county so things are long distances, 45 mins to a football game, 40 mins to local school, 20 mins to the shops, 2 hours to bigger shops… so car pooling when going to the same place together does typically make sense.

I think the post you were replying to was referencing using ‘of’ instead of ‘have’…

MummaEllie · 04/01/2025 23:56

To be honest, If my friend was driving and her child has additional needs then I would take my place in the back seat. Obviously the front seat is his spot usually and he needs routine and structure to remain regulated. I personally don't think because your an adult that you should automatically have a right to the front seat.
You drive, so to avoid the problem In the first place I would probably have just said sure il come but il take my car as I need to pop somewhere after or offer to pick them up.
You mentioned that your friend needs a car seat for her child, these can be removed and placed into another car as I do this when my husband is at work and my friends pick me up.
If this friend is a valued friend I would personally message her and apologise that you hadn't realised how much of an issue the front seat would have been.

Tanjamaltija · 04/01/2025 20:58

When you are a guest, you do not get to choose where you sit. So, go in your own car, or not at all. End of story.

Pumpkincozynights · 04/01/2025 20:53

So he sits in the back when his father tells him to.

Op-I wouldn’t reply to your friend.
If she messages again, I would tell her that you will not tolerate being kicked in the back.
If you really want to go to these events then tell her you will drive there and see her there.
I would also stop buying lunch and dinner for her and her family.
Sounds like she is very ungrateful and a poor parent to boot.

Poppysocks13 · 04/01/2025 20:40

oakleaffy · 01/01/2025 02:16

This. ⬆️
So much bad behaviour and lazy parenting is excused with 'ADHD'
It's a ''get out of jail free card'' for letting a kid run riot and rule the roost.

Interesting the kid behaves much better for his father, probably because the father takes no nonsense.

Show quote history

Such a stupid and ignorant comment.
Phrases such as “so much bad behaviour and lazy parenting is excused by ADHD”
is EXACTLY why parents with neuro diverse children live in a constant knot of anxiety. Have you any idea how physically and mentally draining it is to constantly have to consider how you approach a demand or task with a much loved child?
Nobody can dispute that the child’s behaviour was challenging but when dealing with a ND child nothing is to be achieved by entering into a battle or argument. What exactly do you think his mother should have done?
I am still genuinely amazed by the level of ignorance some people demonstrate in this area!
BTW - if the child ‘behaves’ better for his father it’s probably because his Dad knows how to approach making demands of his child and doesn’t just expect a ND child to meet with a pre conceived attitude of how a child should behave.

AnotherForumUser · 04/01/2025 20:23

Mummytotwosprogs · 04/01/2025 18:35

I’d say you sound a little entitled and child free?

Wrong and smug. Try re-reading the OP's opening post specifically My children are in their 20s now so maybe I’m less tolerant. I do value our friendship, we’re the same age but I had my kids at 25, 27 and 30 and she had hers at 37 and 42 - we’re both 48 this year. Maybe really slowly to help your comprehension.

cottoncandy260 · 04/01/2025 19:38

Summerlilly · 01/01/2025 03:49

The 10 year old shouldn’t be in the front regardless, it is a safety risk as they are far too small.
I understand picking your battles as a parent, but this not the one to drop the ball on. I also feel the potential ADHD is irrelevant here.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable for choosing to not get in the car, if she’s choosing to raise her DC this way that’s her business. It’s not your circus, not your monkeys.

So what do you do if you’re transporting 4 children under 10 in the car? Not allow any of them in the front despite having the right child seat? Don’t be ridiculous. It may not be the safest place in the car but it’s not illegal and is often necessary.

ilovesooty · 04/01/2025 18:44

Mummytotwosprogs · 04/01/2025 18:35

I’d say you sound a little entitled and child free?

How do you "sound child free"?

Mummytotwosprogs · 04/01/2025 18:35

I’d say you sound a little entitled and child free?

lemonchops111 · 04/01/2025 05:04

He was not going to get out of the front seat, no amount of telling off or bribing or threats from his mum worked, and he was really shouting and winding the window up and down, if the door was opened he would slam it, my neighbour actually called out is everything ok? So I shut the door and said I’ll drive my own car and meet you there.

The OP couldn’t get into the back seat as it clearly states above “if the door was open he would slam it”
10 yr old kid was totally controlling the situation that the mother did nothing about except then choose to take it out on OP by ignoring her texts and even going as far to say OP should be ‘more tolerant’
WOW words fail me how friend cannot see her own terrible attitude towards OP
that would be no friend of mine

Whatinthedoopla · 03/01/2025 17:47

I think you knew it was an irritating situation, and you let yourself get angry.

You should have just gotten in the car, or organise going in your own car beforehand, and not let the situation escalate like that at 7.30am. The kid did scream because you didn't want to budge.

Next time, go in your own car and do the pay for lunch. I am assuming you pay for their lunch because they pick you up?

Bugaloo77 · 03/01/2025 16:38

I’m sorry but ADHD is not a reason for bad behaviour the child should be reprimanded for bad behaviour and he needs to learn. I say this as someone her has a diagnosed ADHD husband and 2 diagnosed ADHD children.

GrannyRose15 · 03/01/2025 16:34

BellissimoGecko · 01/01/2025 01:23

Child with suspected ADHD, do you mean?

Show quote history

ADHD is not a valid excuse for bad behaviour.

IdylicDay · 03/01/2025 12:36

YourGladSquid · 03/01/2025 11:47

He was not going to get out of the front seat, no amount of telling off or bribing or threats from his mum worked, and he was really shouting and winding the window up and down, if the door was opened he would slam it, my neighbour actually called out is everything ok? So I shut the door and said I’ll drive my own car and meet you there. She was a bit put out by this but I said my backs not been that great and I don’t want to sit in the back for 45 mins and he’s clearly not going to move.

Personally the way I read it, it does sound like OP engaging. I would have just sat in the back for that time and then the next times I’d drive myself or not go. But that’s just how I read the situation, you’re welcome to have your own take.

Show quote history
  1. It was a 45 minute drive, and the OP has very, very severe back pain. We're not talking 5 mins down the road.
  2. Its a 3-door car and the passenger in the front has to get out anyway to move the passenger seat forward/fold it so someone can get in the back. So he would have to have got out, in order for OP to get in the back anyway, as OP has already detailed.
YourGladSquid · 03/01/2025 11:47

Lovemeapickledgherkin · 03/01/2025 10:58

What tantrum? The OP didn’t have a tantrum? The kid kicked off. She still tried to attend but the mother didn’t respond? Then sent a passive aggressive text message when it was too late?

Show quote history

He was not going to get out of the front seat, no amount of telling off or bribing or threats from his mum worked, and he was really shouting and winding the window up and down, if the door was opened he would slam it, my neighbour actually called out is everything ok? So I shut the door and said I’ll drive my own car and meet you there. She was a bit put out by this but I said my backs not been that great and I don’t want to sit in the back for 45 mins and he’s clearly not going to move.

Personally the way I read it, it does sound like OP engaging. I would have just sat in the back for that time and then the next times I’d drive myself or not go. But that’s just how I read the situation, you’re welcome to have your own take.

Lovemeapickledgherkin · 03/01/2025 10:58

YourGladSquid · 01/01/2025 02:28

You’re not unreasonable in going in your car going forwards, but having a silly tantrum back and forth with a 10 year old is silly as hell. You wouldn’t die in the back seat for a last time.

What tantrum? The OP didn’t have a tantrum? The kid kicked off. She still tried to attend but the mother didn’t respond? Then sent a passive aggressive text message when it was too late?

Nikki75 · 03/01/2025 09:43

YANBU suspected adhd or not this is where boundaries are put in place .
The kicking of the back seat I just wouldn't put up with he isn't 3.
If you still want to spend time going places with your friend and her children just drive yourself .

Paradisegained · 03/01/2025 09:39

Autism isn’t a trump card. I would have not gone - why would you? Doesn’t sound like it’s much fun. Why do you want to go?

Lovemeapickledgherkin · 03/01/2025 09:33

Vegandiva · 01/01/2025 01:22

You absolutely were not unreasonable not to have got in the car, and I wouldn’t even do anything with that bratty rude ten year old, let alone within the same vehicle. She should be apologising for not ensuring he was in the back as agreed and didn’t kick the seat! Especially since you just said also you were helping with the kids and paying for things!

Agreed. You seem to be doing all the heavy lifting in this friendship. Perhaps just spend time with her without kids?

BusyMum47 · 03/01/2025 09:32

CountryVic · 01/01/2025 01:36

Just to clarify, we’ve been friends for 4 years, it’s only the last 6 months or so her sons been allowed to sit in the front.

She drives a 3 door hatch car so you have to pull the front seat forward and climb into the back, the front seats are bucket seats and the back is like a bench seat, hence not very comfortable. Plus I hate climbing in, it’s pretty awkward.

He has not been tested for ADHD but schools suspecting this and she’s been referred to a paediatrician.

When they travel as a family he sits in the back, his dad wouldn’t fit.

She messaged me when she got home, nothing was mentioned about why she didn’t text back. I would of missed one game if she responded when she got there.

and I don’t feel like I made a fuss? I was invited to go to his game, they pulled up, I opened the door and he kicked off. Regardless he would have had to get out for me to get in as there are no back doors in the car and I was not going to go in via the boot.

and @XWKD i genuinely have no idea what your needing help with to understand?

You were absolutely NOT unreasonable.

I fully understand & support the difficulty of parenting children with additional needs but 'suspected ADHD' does not mean her child cannot understand & comply with reasonable requests & if he (a) is used to sitting in the back seat when travelling with his dad & (b) would have had to get out to even let you in anyway, then he was 100% being a brat & your friend was the one who was unreasonable.

In future, I'd just tell her you're always going to drive yourself- why should you be in pain because she's a weak parent??

youngoldthing · 03/01/2025 09:27

BellissimoGecko · 01/01/2025 01:23

Child with suspected ADHD, do you mean?

Show quote history

Why is ADHD an excuse for poor behaviour? The kid is unmannerly and rude.

OuchyEars · 03/01/2025 09:25

OP neither the mother nor child respect you enough. Don't let them persuade you to accept their valuation of you. If he can sit in the back for his Dad then he can for you.
Do they respect you less because you're a woman? Does it have to be his Dad that tells him?
Well done for respecting yourself enough to say no. I would definitely be spending less time with this family. I am astonished the mother was not apologetic.

Tessisme · 03/01/2025 09:14

It's hilarious. All the people getting their knickers in a twist about 'gotten.' On a social media site. Why does it annoy them so much? I have a sneaking suspicion that it's anti Americanism at its finest. Come to NI and you will hear it used with gay abandon and we, last time I checked at least, are part of the UK. Sadly.

Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 03/01/2025 09:07

It’s really her problem, you said your back suffered in the back seat. She let him sit up front, he was never going to move. I wouldn’t bother trying to understand it. She will always let you slide in favour of her child, which she absolutely should.

PracticalLady · 03/01/2025 08:57

You said about not being able to have a catch up if you drive yourself. If you are in the back seat and he is talking loudly/shouting in the front seat, presumably she wouldn't be able to hear you anyway. She is being unreasonable OP, you arrange to drive yourself and I think you paying for lunch for everyone is very generous of you.

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