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Original poster

Should I of gotten in the car?

519 replies

CountryVic · 01/01/2025 01:16

I have a friend with 2 kids, ages 5 and 10, her 10 year old has additional needs and can be quite hard work (suspected ADHD).

When we go out together, she has to drive because of the car seat requirement for her 5 year old. Lately her 10 year old will not get out of the front seat when picking me up, I’ve had to resort to sitting in the back with the 5 year old and her car is not overly roomy in the back seat. The last time I was in the back for 1 hour 20 mins each way and it was super uncomfortable on my back. In the past when I have managed to get in the front seat before him, he has kicked the chair constantly on the drive back.

Last week I was asked if I wanted to go watch their football game, so I said yes but that I needed to sit in the front seat. I reminded him of this on Monday when I bumped into them down the street. They came to pick me up this morning for 7.45am. He was not going to get out of the front seat, no amount of telling off or bribing or threats from his mum worked, and he was really shouting and winding the window up and down, if the door was opened he would slam it, my neighbour actually called out is everything ok? So I shut the door and said I’ll drive my own car and meet you there. She was a bit put out by this but I said my backs not been that great and I don’t want to sit in the back for 45 mins and he’s clearly not going to move.

So she left, I got in my car, but then realised that I didn’t know which football oval they were playing on. I tried calling her but no answer so I sent a text saying I needed the oval name and address and set off to the area I thought it was in. 15 mins into the drive I stopped for a takeaway coffee, no text response from her, called again and no answer. So I sent another text and said I’ll have to give it a miss as not sure which oval, and I went home.

I got a message from her at 11am saying it was a shame I missed out on their great day out and next time I should be a little bit more tolerant, because I know how their son can be, and that flexibility goes a long way in a friendship. I’ve responded that from now on it just may be easier if I drive myself, and that I’ve always been accomodating to her family’s needs, but the shouting at 7.30am was just to much for me.

Should I of gotten in her car? AIBU here to say I’ll drive myself from now on, so I can avoid all the drama? It does mean we can’t catch up in the car but to be honest he’s usually talking over the top of everyone and cuts you off so it’s not like the conversation is flowing well. I do enjoy spending time with them and she says she appreciates the extra hand as we typically do kid things when her husband is not available, and I always pay for lunch or dinner for us all, and my own entry into events. My children are in their 20s now so maybe I’m less tolerant. I do value our friendship, we’re the same age but I had my kids at 25, 27 and 30 and she had hers at 37 and 42 - we’re both 48 this year.

TLDR - would you sit in the back seat of a car if a child wouldn’t move for you? Or drive yourself.

OP posts:
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5
DaringlyPurple · 01/01/2025 02:57

I have an ADHD son. I suspect I am too as was my mother. None of us require to be in the front passenger seat or to kick the back of seats. Having ADHD does not mean that other people should yield to our unreasonable preferences. Nor does it mean that children, ADHD or not, shouldn't be taught empathy and manners. My son was never a rude defiant brat and he gets really annoyed about people blaming ADHD for their behaviour as he thinks it adds to the stigma of ADHD for genuine cases.

Snoopdoggydog123 · 01/01/2025 02:56

BeLilacSloth · 01/01/2025 02:41

You can’t seriously be talking about a CHILD like that??

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Yes.

KangaRoo00 · 01/01/2025 02:53

'Suspected' ADHD is no excuse for that kind of behaviour. There are plenty of children with additional needs that don't point blank refuse anything and everything that is asked of them.

ilovesooty · 01/01/2025 02:51

CountryVic · 01/01/2025 02:32

Well I feel a bit shit now so I’ve called her and we’re going to move past it. I really thought her son would just move, and not get so mad about it. I’ve never seen him like that before, he normally holds my hand and walks along, maybe it’s the loss of his routine over Christmas.

I bought them a yearly family pass to the zoo for Christmas and they want to go in 2 weeks, but I I will be away for work, so I suggested she take her sister or go as a family, she said maybe.

I think she’s really overwhelmed and she did ask if I can still babysit on Thursday night so she can have date night with her husband and I said yes of course I would still do that. But I think maybe car travel will be off for a bit.

Many thanks for the suggestions of how to move forward, and the grammar lesson. 😃

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I'm glad you and your friend sorted it out. Your response to the spite dished out to you is very gracious.

ilovesooty · 01/01/2025 02:49

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Rubbish. Stop denying what your motivation was. You've contributed nothing to the actual discussion and couldn't wait to get stuck in being spiteful.
Behaviour like yours is generally deemed to be not in the spirit.

Stealthmodemama · 01/01/2025 02:47

The child gets in the back for their dad.

The mum knowing another adult was to get in the car, should teach the child that they have to sit in the back - it's about respecting adults - not getting 'my own way because I scream'.

And yes, even young people with SEND can learn this. Its about pre-warning - expectations - and consistency. (Remember they can do it for Dad , so it is not that the young person 'can't ). I guarantee they don't kick dads seat for an entire journey either.

I would probably see them less often. They are not being a good friend to you.

Although I would also try to gently suggest that 10 year olds 'dominating the rules' and not 'getting a bigger picture could be quite scary as a teenager.. they get bigger and stronger - and if they learn early not to be respectful the teenage years could be really hard.

Nextyearhopes · 01/01/2025 02:46

I got a message from her at 11am saying it was a shame I missed out on their great day out and next time I should be a little bit more tolerant, because I know how their son can be

Yes you know precisely-he can be a little shit who won’t do as he’s told (or his behaviour can be and she won’t manage it).
Adults take precedence over kids for front seat (except for cases of car sickness etc which was not the case here). He is ill disciplined and wouldn’t accept NO.

cherish123 · 01/01/2025 02:45

Cailin66 · 01/01/2025 02:41

The front seats of cars are way more comfortable than the back seats, and as we get older it really makes a difference

  • back seats are more a bench rather than an individual seat
  • especially in smaller three doored cars
  • As we age we are not as nimble, so a 10 year old hopping into the back is not the same as a near 50 year old doing her best to manoeuvre her way in
  • Sometimes due to my husbands medical condition, if one of the adult children are driving I go in the back, and it has its own door, I wouldn’t stick it for a long journey
  • its also tight for space, more difficult for me as I’ve both a foot and knee issue (accident/surgery and old age)
  • 10 year old was being a brat
  • He should have been made move, it’s basic manners, since when do children dictate where they sit in a car
  • The OP is a more than generous friend
  • its much easier for adults to chat seated together in the front
  • More brat behaviours in his deliberately kicking the front seat, I’d have out him out for that or not brought him to the event
  • The mother is making a rod for her own back
  • Child clearly can travel in the back as he used to, and as he does when his father is in the car
  • Having some kind of issue doesn’t mean a child becomes the boss just to appease or placate him, wait until he’s a stroppy teenager
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Thank you. I wish more parents had your attitude.

Washingupdone · 01/01/2025 02:45

It will not improve matters but UK law says
Children aged between three and 12, or up to the height of 135cm (4'4”) in the UK and 150cm in Ireland (4'9”), must travel in a child seat placed in either the front or back of a car.

cherish123 · 01/01/2025 02:43

Child is a brat. I'd be raging if my DC behaved like that. ADHD is no excuse for rudeness and refusal to follow instructions.

candycane222 · 01/01/2025 02:43

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Because you can't adjust the angle to the right place for .your back, like you can a front seat. When my back is playing up sitting in the back is crucifying after about 10 mins, I daresay OP is the same

Cailin66 · 01/01/2025 02:41

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The front seats of cars are way more comfortable than the back seats, and as we get older it really makes a difference

  • back seats are more a bench rather than an individual seat
  • especially in smaller three doored cars
  • As we age we are not as nimble, so a 10 year old hopping into the back is not the same as a near 50 year old doing her best to manoeuvre her way in
  • Sometimes due to my husbands medical condition, if one of the adult children are driving I go in the back, and it has its own door, I wouldn’t stick it for a long journey
  • its also tight for space, more difficult for me as I’ve both a foot and knee issue (accident/surgery and old age)
  • 10 year old was being a brat
  • He should have been made move, it’s basic manners, since when do children dictate where they sit in a car
  • The OP is a more than generous friend
  • its much easier for adults to chat seated together in the front
  • More brat behaviours in his deliberately kicking the front seat, I’d have out him out for that or not brought him to the event
  • The mother is making a rod for her own back
  • Child clearly can travel in the back as he used to, and as he does when his father is in the car
  • Having some kind of issue doesn’t mean a child becomes the boss just to appease or placate him, wait until he’s a stroppy teenager
shuggles · 01/01/2025 02:41

@CountryVic TLDR - would you sit in the back seat of a car if a child wouldn’t move for you? Or drive yourself.

I would sit in the back seat, but I do not have issues with sitting in small cars. If I had an issue with my back which was causing issues (as you have described in your original post) then I would drive myself instead.

I'm not sure why your friend was offended though. I don't think it's reasonable for children to shout and scream over nothing, and I don't understand the parenting style of Gen X parents who allow their children to run riot while saying nothing.

BeLilacSloth · 01/01/2025 02:41

Snoopdoggydog123 · 01/01/2025 02:14

Nah kid is playing his mum to a right tune.
Doubt many are jumping to be her friend with him around.

Edited
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You can’t seriously be talking about a CHILD like that??

MrDobbs · 01/01/2025 02:40

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The ability to discern the meaning of sentences containing spelling or grammar errors is really useful. If you genuinely were so lacking in this ability that the OPs post meant nothing to you, it would be very useful for you to work on this skill (assuming you have the basic intelligence and understanding of the English language to do so). You will be astounded at how much more everyday conversation you will begin to understand.

Alittlecake · 01/01/2025 02:39

For people saying she is putting her needs above a child who has special needs - do you think that about the Dad as well? Is he putting his “needs” above the childs - because the Dad goes in the front seat and mysteriously the kid is able to fall into line then. Sounds like a want not a need!

And actually OP wanted to compromise by driving herself and therefore letting them both have what they want. But that still wasn’t
good enough for her entitled friend. She demands Op company in the car even if it’s causing her pain and discomfort.

I agree with the poster who said good luck to her friend on finding another mate who pays for both her and her kids meals , and travels 45 minutes to keep her company while she watches her son play sports!

Child's behaviour aside this whole fiasco was all on OPs friend , she should’ve asked her son to sit at the back before she set off from her own house. And if he refused to do that she should’ve then pulled up and texted Op to let her know in advance that her child is in charge she wouldn’t be able to sit in the front.

Op made it clear in advance that she needed to be in the front seat, so if friend couldn’t accommodate that she should’ve also let her know in advance. This probably would have led to OP offering drive herself that morning, without the showdown in front of her house.

think she’s really overwhelmed and she did ask if I can still babysit on Thursday night so she can have date night with her husband and I said yes of course I would still do that. But I think maybe car travel will be off for a bit.

Op, wow - once again I really think she’s taking advantage and taking you for a bit of a mug. Of course she has to get over her little sulk rather quickly since she needs you for childcare. Each to their own but I wouldn’t tolerate that kind of treatment from a friend.

Original poster
CountryVic · 01/01/2025 02:32

ChampagneLassie · 01/01/2025 02:23

@CountryVic sounds like an amazing friend, she’s willing to spend her time and money doing frankly quite dull child orientated activities to keep her friend company. I doubt the woman would find anyone else willing to do this

Show quote history

Well I feel a bit shit now so I’ve called her and we’re going to move past it. I really thought her son would just move, and not get so mad about it. I’ve never seen him like that before, he normally holds my hand and walks along, maybe it’s the loss of his routine over Christmas.

I bought them a yearly family pass to the zoo for Christmas and they want to go in 2 weeks, but I I will be away for work, so I suggested she take her sister or go as a family, she said maybe.

I think she’s really overwhelmed and she did ask if I can still babysit on Thursday night so she can have date night with her husband and I said yes of course I would still do that. But I think maybe car travel will be off for a bit.

Many thanks for the suggestions of how to move forward, and the grammar lesson. 😃

OP posts:
XWKD · 01/01/2025 02:30

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YourGladSquid · 01/01/2025 02:28

You’re not unreasonable in going in your car going forwards, but having a silly tantrum back and forth with a 10 year old is silly as hell. You wouldn’t die in the back seat for a last time.

Jellybeanz456 · 01/01/2025 02:27

Vegandiva · 01/01/2025 01:22

You absolutely were not unreasonable not to have got in the car, and I wouldn’t even do anything with that bratty rude ten year old, let alone within the same vehicle. She should be apologising for not ensuring he was in the back as agreed and didn’t kick the seat! Especially since you just said also you were helping with the kids and paying for things!

No clue about children with special needs!!!! And this is purely why people need todo some research and learn about different needs!!!!

user1492757084 · 01/01/2025 02:24

I can see why you are uncertain of a polite way forward.

In answer to your question .. You should have jumped into the back seat and risked a sore back. It was clear the troubled boy was incapable of being considerate.

When next invited, you could ask how long the journey might be and where it is etc.
Based on how long you will be spending in the cramped back seat, make your decision about driving yourself.

You could also offer to drive your friend's car one way - with friend in the back. This might help the little chap to get used to changed circumstances. Once he gets used to you as driver, he might travel back in your car, one way, on some days when you drive yourself.

Your friend could try having her son in the back seat every second trip too - to help him be flexible. (The door is broken or the seat is wet from spilt milk. You'll have to sit in the back with your favourite toy.)

P.S. It is definitely "should have" not "should of" in Australia.
The problem is that "should've" is an option which sounds like "should of" so people assume they are hearing the latter.

ChampagneLassie · 01/01/2025 02:23

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@CountryVic sounds like an amazing friend, she’s willing to spend her time and money doing frankly quite dull child orientated activities to keep her friend company. I doubt the woman would find anyone else willing to do this

ilovesooty · 01/01/2025 02:22

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You didn't understand what she was saying? Of course you did. You just wanted to pick holes in her written English.

whalesonthebus · 01/01/2025 02:22

Personally I wouldn’t have got into a power struggle about seats, especially if the child has additional needs - I imagine your friend doesn’t need the additional stress. I have to say though, it’s very kind of you to even want to travel for 45 minutes to watch someone else’s 10 year old child play football.

oakleaffy · 01/01/2025 02:16

Liftoff · 01/01/2025 01:47

I think I’d be only willing to meet this friend without her DC in future, and if that means the friendship fades then so be it.

Her kid is rude and she is a poor parent. Allowing him to kick a seat is lazy parenting. I don’t care if he has suspected ADHD - he has no need for the front seat, he just wants it. A child does not dictate the behavior of adults, especially when an older and less physically able guest is present. ADHD does not automatically mean a child has poor behavior, and it is not an excuse for poor behavior - in fact, you’re doing your child a disservice by letting poor behavior slide under the banner of “oh but he has ADHD”.

This. ⬆️
So much bad behaviour and lazy parenting is excused with 'ADHD'
It's a ''get out of jail free card'' for letting a kid run riot and rule the roost.

Interesting the kid behaves much better for his father, probably because the father takes no nonsense.