Should I of gotten in the car?

My PDA/ADHD DS is now being homeschooled, after immense distress and struggle with school attendance. SIL has mentioned several times that my DN has two autistic kids in his class, suggesting that it is somehow my preference - or my failure as a parent - that DS is at home. If those autistic kids can hack it, why can't my kid?

I've noticed on many occasions ND posters on mumsnet suggesting that just because they or their ND kid has a particular capacity, other ND kids who struggle more are actually just being parented badly. Spectrum, schmectrum!

To the OP, just drive yourself, and tell your friend you're physically uncomfortable in the back seat. She is BU to tell you to suck it up and get in the back, particularly if you are in pain. However, the only people other than DH and me who can travel in the car with my DS are my DPs. And they sit in the back with me. DS struggles badly in the car, but sometimes we need to drive to places. Putting him in the front seat is an accommodation we're happy to make. In an emergency, he would be able to sit in the back, but if we can lower stress by putting him in the front seat on the majority of occasions, why wouldn't we? He's disabled, and fortunately my adult ego can take it.

FWIW I gave my lovely inlaws a book to read over Christmas which explained what one of my children deals with. Because they ask useful questions, and are interested in how we parent, and why. As far as I know this is because they love us, and the child, and not because they're over there tutting and rolling their eyes.

They thought they knew. They thought they were engaged. They were astonished, and really pretty emotional. I went over for coffee yesterday and they'd already read it (it's a very short, highly illustrated book). My FIL just kept saying "how do you do it?... I mean, how do you do it?!... I.. I don't know how you do it". Because it's him, and I understand it was a genuine question, and didn't reply with the usual glib "oh, I didn't know I had a choice". The only reason everyone thinks I'm marvellous is because DS2 internalises everything, doesn't act out. So mute, hiding, frozen etc. It's exhausting, worrying, 24/7 but doesn't impact on anyone else.

Walk a mile in someone else's shoes...

I would drive myself if it affected my back. You did the right thing.

He's not learning anything. He's reacting.

He acting out. I said in a previous post that the mother could be taking the piss, but maybe in this particular instant she just did what she needed to do to get the child to football? Maybe next time she should say "sorry OP, clearly child doesn't actually want to go to football" and go back home.

The mum might be handling it terribly, but the WHY of the child acting out is not because he's a brat, or spoilt, and unless he's having antisocial behaviour modelled by others, or actually has (rare) antisocial tendencies himself, it would make sense to assume the most common reason. A young adhd child trying to exert some kind of control in a world where he has none.

The OP is also an adult, if she can't cope with the behaviour, then she needs to say so and duck out for a time. I have never just moved on, in the way the mother is suggesting, because I couldn't have the worry that I caused my friend difficulty, but I have a couple of friends who very much avoid any confrontation, whether it's their own fault, or some else's.

For a kid with adhd that would be a red rag to a bull. If their physical needs are being met, but the mum constantly smoothes over, opts out, doesn't ever go back and talk to the child (why did you do that? Do you know why you did that? ), they're just going to flail around even more.

I may sound way too theoretical on this stuff, but learning is the only way I got my eldest to adulthood in one piece.

A child with SEND can still be a brat. The two are not mutually exclusive.

'Have', not 'of' - but we get the meaning. I think it's a local dialect thing

I sat in the back seat of my car last week as DH was driving and my elderly mum was in the front passenger seat. And it was quite uncomfortable! I feel sorry for 6’1 DS17 now (but not sorry enough to give him the front seat!)

I think she’s taking the path of least resistance with her DS and that’s her choice but if it’s causing you pain it’s reasonable to make other arrangements.

I really can't see what the fuss is about. YABU.

ADHD doesn't mean you don't parent. If that was my son I wouldn't let him use ADHD as an excuse to behave like this, I'd drive back home and he can go to football once he's learnt not to behave like that.

ADHD isn't a free ticket for shit parenting.

YAbu she is better off without a ' friend' who fails to understand her child child has additional needs and how these are factoring into his behaviour. Its not simply him being ' bratty' like some pp are saying. Such a tone deaf response from pl and you to Sen kids needs and behaviour challenges for parents. Honestly OP open your eyes to what it's probably like for her and asking her to fight a losing battle for an adult that can fully process sitting in the back is doable.

Oh look an attention seeker 👆🙄

Not illegal in UK or in Australia to have a ten year old in the front seat. In the U.K. a child can be there at any age as long as in an appropriate restraint or seat as dictated by their age and height (with airbag off in some circumstances). It’s not the safest place they could be but it isn’t illegal - I’ve put a kid in the front plenty of times if that’s been necessary to fit them in.

I’m more shocked that she’s allowing a 10yr old to sit in the front seat for safety reasons! My almost 10yr old is still in a car seat as per the regulations and as per common sense! Not least the head protection!

Anyway, yep she has a discipline problem. My aforementioned DD wouldn’t DREAM of refusing to do as I say and she has Autism herself.

Why do you pay for meals for them?

Your friend's car with bucket front seats and bench back seat sounds like a coupe / Mini type. Not suitable for family's needs.

How does any of that justify a 10 year old learning that screaming, shouting, behaving badly means he gets his own way?

I agree with this, and my son has ADHD (diagnosed, not suspected).

There are of course things that individual people with ADHD cannot tolerate at all. And we need to be understanding when this is the case.

However, clearly this child can tolerate sitting in the back, because he does so when his Dad is in the car. So the ADHD is a bit of a red herring. He would need to have the fact he’s in the back set out in advance (as the OP did) and the reasons why explained - not just told “because I said so” as that won’t work - but that seems to have all happened in this case.

As you can see on this thread, there are plenty of people who would leave her in the dust.

I’m one of them - because I don’t accept poor treatment and disrespect in my friendships. For her to not text Op the address is one thing. That could’ve been an innocent oversight because maybe she was driving and didn’t see the text or she forgot - especially if her son was still shouting on the way to the sports game.

However to follow up hours later scolding OP for not accepting the pain and discomfort of the backseat journey, instead of giving an apology for not ensuring the kid was in the backseat as agreed and for failing to text her the address was definitely a deliberate choice.

She was completely disrespectful and inconsiderate to do that particularly after Op had bothered to get herself up and ready by 7.30am for nothing.

She is taking OP for a mug and she probably wants to “move past this” so she can ensure she still has her babysitter. If anything she should’ve apologised for her rudeness and made clear it’s fine for Op to drive in her own car in future - especially in light of all Op does for her and her kids.

This seems like a one-sided friendship.
So yeah there’s good reason why some people would’ve left her for dust. I always say the best test to any relationship is to start utilising the word NO for a spell. See how people behave towards you when you don’t dance to their tune anymore.

Yes, but this isn't about your son. Not all adhders have the same traits. Just as not all mumsnetters are kind and thoughtful.

This child is not yet clinically diagnosed.

Your son might be horrified by some of the latest work showing that in prison, up to 65% of inmates show undiagnosed adhd. That on one tiny study of a dozen or so such inmates, once diagnosed and given appropriate treatment, only 1 of them reoffended.. as opposed to the usual number which would be about 9/10 out of 12.

I'll hunt out the original papers if helpful.

ADHDers are far more likely to have an addiction, end up in prison, die early.

It maybe that your son is actually more audhd, which changes things a bit. Or he may not have all the potential traits. Or he may have been trained/masked thoroughly enough that he now manages to deal with impulsivity in a way that others cannot.

But you wrap up warm, and enjoy your spot up there on the moral high ground.

I agree you just go in your own car from now on.

I get really car sick so never sit in the back. If I’m not getting to sit in the front, for whatever reason, I’m driving myself.

It needn’t be a confrontational thing, it’s just what has to be.

You absolutely did the right thing in driving yourself. I actually think you handled the situation well.

My children, as all children do, tried the “me first” for front seat trick. Only solution is the owner/driver dictates the rules. Now as young adults they therefore never even try that because it’s not tolerated.

My brother put his two children out of the car on the road once, teenagers fighting over “their air space” in the back seat.

It’s the height of bad manners to expect a VERY kind friend get in the back seat of a three door because a 10 year old is allowed dictate. I’d be backing away from this friendship, because the OP is being gaslighted into thinking she’s somehow in the wrong. She strikes me as a most kind generous and supportive friend. Very understanding too.

Also from a safety point of view children should be in the back. Surely it’s illegal to allow a 10 year old in the front.

No you did the right thing here: clear expectations set out well in advance which you re-iterated and then held the boundary.

The child should have been put into the back at the start of the journey, before pick you up. This wasn’t an issue you should have been made to handle.

Your friend was then petty to ignore you and then immature in trying to make you feel guilty. The fact she’s moved past this and made sure you are still okay to babysit spots really poorly. I do wonder if you are being taken advantage of

ADHD often comes with many and varied issues. PDA, OCD, lots of bits of descriptors that help explain how their brains work.. or react would be a better word.

It maybe that the child behaves differently with the dad there, but that doesn't mean he's "putting it on" and playing the mum. It may be that he has to "behave" in front of dad because his reactions are scary (to him, not saying the dad is being violent or such).

In exactly the same way that a child can be challenging at home, and am angel at school, they will try and find some control in their lives when they feel safe to do so.

It is also a known fact that child and young adults with adhd have an emotional age that's about a 3rd less than their biological age. He may be becoming more and more aware that he's making life difficult, is the naughty one.

So, this child has all the confusion of not knowing quite how and why he feels the way he does, potentially has the emotional age of a 7 year old, has made it through Christmas, and has an early start back into something structured.. in my world I'd be doing well if this was his only way of "acting out". Maybe he doesn't actually want op to be there? Maybe getting ready to leave is chaos and by the time he's in his seat he can't cope with one more change.

OP - I'm really grateful that you see that your friend may be struggling. As you can see on this thread, there are plenty of people who would leave her in the dust.

Yes, she may be so caught up in her child rearing, that she expects you to put up with a much as she does (although I suspect this is nothing compared to the rest of her day), and it maybe that in due course you find that she is taking the piss. But for the moment you've been graceful, and I really appreciate friends who second-hand cope with my life too.

Wow you certainly do a lot for her and her family.
Just hope the relationship is reciprocal and she is appreciates your friendship