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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I of gotten in the car?

519 replies

CountryVic · 01/01/2025 01:16

I have a friend with 2 kids, ages 5 and 10, her 10 year old has additional needs and can be quite hard work (suspected ADHD).

When we go out together, she has to drive because of the car seat requirement for her 5 year old. Lately her 10 year old will not get out of the front seat when picking me up, I’ve had to resort to sitting in the back with the 5 year old and her car is not overly roomy in the back seat. The last time I was in the back for 1 hour 20 mins each way and it was super uncomfortable on my back. In the past when I have managed to get in the front seat before him, he has kicked the chair constantly on the drive back.

Last week I was asked if I wanted to go watch their football game, so I said yes but that I needed to sit in the front seat. I reminded him of this on Monday when I bumped into them down the street. They came to pick me up this morning for 7.45am. He was not going to get out of the front seat, no amount of telling off or bribing or threats from his mum worked, and he was really shouting and winding the window up and down, if the door was opened he would slam it, my neighbour actually called out is everything ok? So I shut the door and said I’ll drive my own car and meet you there. She was a bit put out by this but I said my backs not been that great and I don’t want to sit in the back for 45 mins and he’s clearly not going to move.

So she left, I got in my car, but then realised that I didn’t know which football oval they were playing on. I tried calling her but no answer so I sent a text saying I needed the oval name and address and set off to the area I thought it was in. 15 mins into the drive I stopped for a takeaway coffee, no text response from her, called again and no answer. So I sent another text and said I’ll have to give it a miss as not sure which oval, and I went home.

I got a message from her at 11am saying it was a shame I missed out on their great day out and next time I should be a little bit more tolerant, because I know how their son can be, and that flexibility goes a long way in a friendship. I’ve responded that from now on it just may be easier if I drive myself, and that I’ve always been accomodating to her family’s needs, but the shouting at 7.30am was just to much for me.

Should I of gotten in her car? AIBU here to say I’ll drive myself from now on, so I can avoid all the drama? It does mean we can’t catch up in the car but to be honest he’s usually talking over the top of everyone and cuts you off so it’s not like the conversation is flowing well. I do enjoy spending time with them and she says she appreciates the extra hand as we typically do kid things when her husband is not available, and I always pay for lunch or dinner for us all, and my own entry into events. My children are in their 20s now so maybe I’m less tolerant. I do value our friendship, we’re the same age but I had my kids at 25, 27 and 30 and she had hers at 37 and 42 - we’re both 48 this year.

TLDR - would you sit in the back seat of a car if a child wouldn’t move for you? Or drive yourself.

OP posts:
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5
Tubs11 · 01/01/2025 08:46

She sounds like she's struggling with her son's needs, but she's lucky to have such a good friend as you. Glad you've managed to sort things out.

Pumpkinpie1 · 01/01/2025 08:43

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I completely disagree. I also have a young Person with a disability and whilst flexibility is important , safety is more so.
This boy is acting up in the front seat and that could be dangerous. Allowing and rewarding him for bad behaviour is not good - even the neighbour came to see if everything was ok .
The boy had been told he needed to sit in back seat but was acting up and was enabled by his mother.
I think “friend “ is being ridiculous

HelmholtzWatson · 01/01/2025 08:41

daisychain01 · 01/01/2025 08:12

Serious empathy bypass there!

back pain is really unpleasant and once you've suffered it, you'll do anything not to trigger it again. Seriously, saying the OP is using it as a flimsy excuse is pretty low-down!

Show quote history

I didn't say it was flimsy, I said it sounds flimsy - there is a difference.

IdylicDay · 01/01/2025 08:41

Hibernating80 · 01/01/2025 08:37

I feel sorry for the mum. You just made her life more difficult and gave her more emotional stress because you wanted to control the situation. I wouldn't be inviting you into the car again and I wouldn't go out of my way for you.

Wtf, @Hibernating80 the mother was rude and selfish and treated OP like shit, allowed her son to treat her like shit, then left her stranded. And didn't even have the decency to apologise to her, or for her son's behaviour. All because the son wanted to control the situation.
OP should ditch this user of a 'friend' and her badly behaved rude son.

VintageRadio · 01/01/2025 08:39

Hibernating80 · 01/01/2025 08:37

I feel sorry for the mum. You just made her life more difficult and gave her more emotional stress because you wanted to control the situation. I wouldn't be inviting you into the car again and I wouldn't go out of my way for you.

I think you need to read the full thread. The OP has a bad back, it’s 45 min drive and the back seat is a bench. The kid should have sat in the back, as he does when his father travels in the car.

IdylicDay · 01/01/2025 08:39

CountryVic · 01/01/2025 02:32

Well I feel a bit shit now so I’ve called her and we’re going to move past it. I really thought her son would just move, and not get so mad about it. I’ve never seen him like that before, he normally holds my hand and walks along, maybe it’s the loss of his routine over Christmas.

I bought them a yearly family pass to the zoo for Christmas and they want to go in 2 weeks, but I I will be away for work, so I suggested she take her sister or go as a family, she said maybe.

I think she’s really overwhelmed and she did ask if I can still babysit on Thursday night so she can have date night with her husband and I said yes of course I would still do that. But I think maybe car travel will be off for a bit.

Many thanks for the suggestions of how to move forward, and the grammar lesson. 😃

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Sorry but you're being an absolute mug! F*ck her! I would not be babysitting, no fucking way! Who does she think she is?! She allows her son to act up like that, leaves you stranded, then not only does she not apologise, she upbraids you! Sorry but you have mug written across your forehead, I would completely ditch her unless she gave a heartfelt apology.
(And she needs to parent her rude and spoiled kid)

Johnson1704 · 01/01/2025 08:39

For me in this situation their are wrongs on both sides of the argument, your friend is wrong as she needs to be a little firmer and punish this child’s behaviour, adhd is not an excuse for everything and it’s not helping the child at all (I have adhd but have to control my own behaviour) and you were also wrong by not making arrangements to meet at the destination as you knew this child has this level of behaviour

VintageRadio · 01/01/2025 08:38

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This is BS. OP says the boy sits in the back when his father travels in the car. This is purely a power play from the kid and nothing to do with neurodiversity. The mother simply won’t parent him.

Hibernating80 · 01/01/2025 08:37

I feel sorry for the mum. You just made her life more difficult and gave her more emotional stress because you wanted to control the situation. I wouldn't be inviting you into the car again and I wouldn't go out of my way for you.

Crackers4cheese · 01/01/2025 08:36

i presume she didnt text you because she was driving?

Crackers4cheese · 01/01/2025 08:35

he is 10 and not been tested for ADHD yet
they could have tested that years ago so it is not that clear cut imo

WonderingWanda · 01/01/2025 08:34

I'm very travel sick and would vomit over everyone if I had to sit in the back. I think I would drive myself.

Sharptonguedwoman · 01/01/2025 08:34

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Think OP may Australian. But have, certainly rather than of.

IdylicDay · 01/01/2025 08:33

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 01/01/2025 08:03

"Gotten" isn't a word...

"Should I have got in the car?" would be correct.

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You are very wrong and incredibly misinformed, @IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine . Gotten is the original Old English word. 'got' is an American term.

It should have been 'Should I have gotten in the car'. That is the correct way.

Crackers4cheese · 01/01/2025 08:32

no of course you shouldnt
she is wrong

IdylicDay · 01/01/2025 08:31

Joystir59 · 01/01/2025 08:02

Should I have got into the car?

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It should be worded "should I have gotten into the car".

Lamelie · 01/01/2025 08:30

Liftoff · 01/01/2025 01:47

I think I’d be only willing to meet this friend without her DC in future, and if that means the friendship fades then so be it.

Her kid is rude and she is a poor parent. Allowing him to kick a seat is lazy parenting. I don’t care if he has suspected ADHD - he has no need for the front seat, he just wants it. A child does not dictate the behavior of adults, especially when an older and less physically able guest is present. ADHD does not automatically mean a child has poor behavior, and it is not an excuse for poor behavior - in fact, you’re doing your child a disservice by letting poor behavior slide under the banner of “oh but he has ADHD”.

This 100%
I can’t believe the apologists for poor behaviour. You’re doing your dc a massive disfavour. Parent.

Cheesyfootballs01 · 01/01/2025 08:30

CountryVic · 01/01/2025 01:51

Ohh, that’s my Aussie lingo, grammar is not my forte.

Noted for future reference.

@CountryVic ignore the knobs on here trying to one up each other desperately trying to correct your grammar! That’s standard practice on here lol.

Reading your post it’s very clear what you mean 👍🏼

CleftChin · 01/01/2025 08:30

I hate the phrase, but she's making a rod for he own back by not getting this under control now. In a couple of years he'll be so big she won't stand a chance if he kicks off, so she has to get this behaviour sorted now.

And no YANBU. I would drive myself too (or, if I thought the elder child won't destroy my car, just put the 5 year old's seat in my car)

It's not just that the back's uncomfortable, it also makes conversation difficult, and tactically, re-enforces the child's behaviour as acceptable. If there are adults, they sit in the front, that's just the way it is - they're bigger, and they're there to be company for the other adult. I have sat in the back, when it's just quick, but not for a long journey when my own car is sitting there perfectly well

Plus I get travel sick in the back.

Doodleflips · 01/01/2025 08:29

Alittlecake · 01/01/2025 02:39

For people saying she is putting her needs above a child who has special needs - do you think that about the Dad as well? Is he putting his “needs” above the childs - because the Dad goes in the front seat and mysteriously the kid is able to fall into line then. Sounds like a want not a need!

And actually OP wanted to compromise by driving herself and therefore letting them both have what they want. But that still wasn’t
good enough for her entitled friend. She demands Op company in the car even if it’s causing her pain and discomfort.

I agree with the poster who said good luck to her friend on finding another mate who pays for both her and her kids meals , and travels 45 minutes to keep her company while she watches her son play sports!

Child's behaviour aside this whole fiasco was all on OPs friend , she should’ve asked her son to sit at the back before she set off from her own house. And if he refused to do that she should’ve then pulled up and texted Op to let her know in advance that her child is in charge she wouldn’t be able to sit in the front.

Op made it clear in advance that she needed to be in the front seat, so if friend couldn’t accommodate that she should’ve also let her know in advance. This probably would have led to OP offering drive herself that morning, without the showdown in front of her house.

think she’s really overwhelmed and she did ask if I can still babysit on Thursday night so she can have date night with her husband and I said yes of course I would still do that. But I think maybe car travel will be off for a bit.

Op, wow - once again I really think she’s taking advantage and taking you for a bit of a mug. Of course she has to get over her little sulk rather quickly since she needs you for childcare. Each to their own but I wouldn’t tolerate that kind of treatment from a friend.

Edited

This!!
I am amazed at the responses. It is not entitled to not want to sit in the back when she has back pain. Regardless of possible ND, he manages it with his dad.

IdylicDay · 01/01/2025 08:28

CandidHedgehog · 01/01/2025 02:01

I think most of us just assumed from the use of the word ‘gotten’ that you weren’t English and moved on. It was perfectly clear what you meant.

(To clarify, an English person would normally say ‘should I have got in the car’ - ‘gotten’ isn’t really used here).

Edited
Show quote history

Gotten is the original Old English word. 'got' is an American word.

sonjadog · 01/01/2025 08:26

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 01/01/2025 08:03

"Gotten" isn't a word...

"Should I have got in the car?" would be correct.

Show quote history

Yes it is. "Gotten" is used in American English.

eurochick · 01/01/2025 08:25

This sounds like a very unequal "friendship". You are being taken advantage of by the mother and pushed around by the ten year old. I would be taking a big step back, personally.

Postchristmasblah · 01/01/2025 08:24

Some of these responses have me reeling. I have a child with ASD who is incredibly hard work sometimes, but there is no way he would be sitting in the front when another adult is present. It’s just basic manners and courtesy. Neurodivergent children do need to be parented sensitively but that does not mean that they are not capable of manners or being considerate. Actually, their rigidity can be helpful in this situation - setting something out as a rule (that adults take priority for front seats) should make this problem go away.

your friend was an absolute dick in this situation. Maybe you should drive - car seats are not so hard to move. Or maybe you should distance yourself. You got them a zoo pass? Bloody generous! Friendships are reciprocal and if she’s not interested in your views then sod her!

TorroFerney · 01/01/2025 08:24

CountryVic · 01/01/2025 01:44

How else can I word it? Should I of hopped into the car? Clambered? Accepted a lift?

In hindsight I would have driven myself, but we live county so things are long distances, 45 mins to a football game, 40 mins to local school, 20 mins to the shops, 2 hours to bigger shops… so car pooling when going to the same place together does typically make sense.

It’s your use of „of“ when it should be „have“ that is grating on the other poster. And gotten which would usually be got into . Should I have got into the car, should I have got out of the car.