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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s time to leave. (Well make DP leave)

145 replies

LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 31/12/2024 21:02

Posting for traffic. As I’m in turmoil.

Long story short. I think it’s game over

together ten years (since I was twenty). One DC aged 4. Ddog
Mortgage (tenants in common) (he contributed 10% of our deposit and none of the mortgage. I paid 90% of the deposit and all mortgage)

problems.
he’s a bit of a cocklodger. Barely works. Doesn’t ever bring in a reliable income.
he doesn’t like the things I like. For example having a glass of wine once or twice a month. I am not allowed alcohol in the house. He does not have a drink problem, he just thinks only alcoholics drink at home and he thinks it is a bad example for DD.
he doesn’t like peircings or tattoos whereas I do. He made me remove my septum piercing and gets very angry when I talk about wanting to get a tattoo. Not a spur of the moment thing, something I’ve wanted for years.
he spends all his time on video games won’t help out with DD and do school runs when I’m at work. He wants me to throw out all my clothes as I’ve got too many (two drawers in a four drawer chest and half a rail in a normal wardrobe

he doesn’t want to get married or want anymore children which is very important to me.

he never wants to hang out or join us in doing anything. Won’t come to events with DDs friends where other dads are. Won’t come to the park farm etc, has never taken DD out on his own. Shameful

I wonder if it is time to call it A day. I am only 30 and he is 45 in March. So I think I have been conditioned to live his life. Prior to this I was groomed from the age of 14-19 so I wasn’t in a great place to understand healthy relationships.
i just think I am still young. I could have the life I want with DD.

I am scared to be a single mum. And I still love him deeply. But this just isn’t right is it. We are not compatible
I need to hear it from someone else.

sorry for the waffle. Please tread lightly.

thanks in advance

OP posts:
Umbrellasinthesunshine · 31/12/2024 21:55

NY2025 Resolution 1. Set myself free.

MrsMoastyToasty · 31/12/2024 21:54

Listen to what you said

"HE doesn't like"
"HE doesn't allow"
"HE thinks"

HE is not your boss.

If you separate, his problems ARE NOT yours. Tell him to get out and go and do some real adulting.

discocherry · 31/12/2024 21:54

Go and live your beautiful life without him. Happy new year!

Polecat07 · 31/12/2024 21:53

LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 31/12/2024 21:44

Thank you so much everyone. I appreciate it so much. I am worried as he has absolutely nowhere to go. I own two cars, so he says he will sleep in one of those. Which is fine. But then it starts. If he lives in a car he won’t get to have DD. His life will be shit and not worth living. And so it goes on. It makes me wobble. But you’re all so right and it really is time to put DD and I first

No no no, he doesn't get to put that on you, and no he isn't being condemned to living an awful life forever by your leaving him.

He could get his shit together, couldn't he?

He could put one foot in front of the other, like we all have to, and I'm sure he'll be really motivated to do that so he can maintain contact with his daughter, right?

Or is that little bit of emotional blackmail just for your benefit?

Refuse to be manipulated. You are responsible for yourself and your daughter only.

WhatDaHell · 31/12/2024 21:53

Get him out. He sounds dreadful

Porcuporpoise · 31/12/2024 21:53

And yy get down on your knees and thank God he's too stupid to want to get married.

Porcuporpoise · 31/12/2024 21:52

If he doesn't want to live in a car then he could perhaps get a proper paying job and earn some money? You know, like the rest of us? And if he cares for his daughter he will make an effort to sort his life out so he can be part of it. Either way he needs to take responsibility for himself.

Shakey2022 · 31/12/2024 21:51

*with

Shakey2022 · 31/12/2024 21:50

scorpiogirly · 31/12/2024 21:17

Dear lord. You should be thankful he doesn't want another child or to get married. Get rid of the rubbish and start a clean slate in 2025.

This will bells on

HPandthelastwish · 31/12/2024 21:49

He is an adult and responsible for himself.

There are Travelodge, Premier Inns and family and friends. Don't let him sleep in your car.

He can have DD at libraries and soft play centres or swimming pools until he sorts himself out.

Ill say it again, he is an adult and not your responsibility.

carly2803 · 31/12/2024 21:49

LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 31/12/2024 21:44

Thank you so much everyone. I appreciate it so much. I am worried as he has absolutely nowhere to go. I own two cars, so he says he will sleep in one of those. Which is fine. But then it starts. If he lives in a car he won’t get to have DD. His life will be shit and not worth living. And so it goes on. It makes me wobble. But you’re all so right and it really is time to put DD and I first

not your problem
see a solicitor, get the house sorted and get him gone

happy new year. 2025 will be your year

us single mums get on ok, wont lie to you, sometimes its tough but you will be ok

StrikeForever · 31/12/2024 21:48

LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 31/12/2024 21:15

Thank you all. I needed to hear this. I can definitely buy him out. I’ve got a reasonable job and his share was so minimal I could probably do it in cash without remortgaging or anything. So that’s one less stress.

It’s bound to be painful for you, but you’re right. You are young, this man does nothing to make you happy and you are already essentially a single parent. You say you love him, but maybe you just love the dreams you had for your relationship.

Can you list the characteristics he has that you love?

EnjoyingTheSilence · 31/12/2024 21:48

What exactly is it you love about him? I’m not trying to be funny but I can’t see any value that he brings to yours and your dd’s life.

Agree with pp, this arse has also groomed you.

Original poster
LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 31/12/2024 21:44

Thank you so much everyone. I appreciate it so much. I am worried as he has absolutely nowhere to go. I own two cars, so he says he will sleep in one of those. Which is fine. But then it starts. If he lives in a car he won’t get to have DD. His life will be shit and not worth living. And so it goes on. It makes me wobble. But you’re all so right and it really is time to put DD and I first

OP posts:
Sunshineclouds11 · 31/12/2024 21:40

I was in similar situation to you.

I left, never been happier.
I've got two young kids and yes it's hard and I'm exhausted but I was doing everything anyway but, I have less stress and one less person to be pissed off at constantly.

Do it.

Pedallleur · 31/12/2024 21:38

He doesn't love you. Start 2025 with clearing him out. You are single anyway.

BrusselSproutsRock · 31/12/2024 21:35

Thank goodness you are not financially dependent on him and get shot of him asap for a new start in 2025 😀

HPandthelastwish · 31/12/2024 21:34

You were groomed, a 35 year old shouldn't be going out with a vulnerable 20 year old - that's not ok.

It sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders. I doubt you actually love him,you love the facade and promise of what could have been.

No need to be scared of being a single parent, nothing is worse than being in a relationship with someone who doesn't pull their weight.

Do it tomorrow and start the year afresh, the first year will be hard but 2026 will be fabulous. No, doubt there will be emotional blackmail, when he inevitably threatens to kill himself as they always do the correct response is to ring the police fur a welfare check, he won't do it again and whatever you do dont take him back.

Porcuporpoise · 31/12/2024 21:34

Seriously? All that and you wonder whether it's time to call it a day? What would be your reason not to?

BIossomtoes · 31/12/2024 21:34

Chuck the bugger out. He’s bloody lucky it’s taken you so long to come to your senses.

SpringIscomingalso · 31/12/2024 21:30

That is all bizarre. How can such an old man pull such amazing young woman. So sorry for you

BrightZebra · 31/12/2024 21:30

You posted this 27 minutes ago, 73 people have voted, all votes have been you are not being unreasonable, 100%, so there's your answer!
You deserve a medal to have stayed with him as long as what you have

Whatabouthow · 31/12/2024 21:28

I have never seen a Mumsnet vote at 100% you are not unreasonable this far in. You need to leave.

Bimblesalong · 31/12/2024 21:25

Get rid! My friend had exactly this set up and left it until she was nearly 50. They were married by then. He absolutely rinsed her, took half the house although he had hardly worked, she worked full time and he did nothing at home. He also took half her savings and pension. The solicitor’s bill for her was £40k. He also never spoke to his daughter and has now cut his son off from the daughter by manipulating. My friend is 12 years down the line and now really happy and with a man who is nothing but green flags.

Tanktanktank · 31/12/2024 21:25

Life is not a dress rehearsal.

that became my New Year’s resolution a long time ago, stole it off someone else.