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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s time to leave. (Well make DP leave)

145 replies

LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 31/12/2024 21:02

Posting for traffic. As I’m in turmoil.

Long story short. I think it’s game over

together ten years (since I was twenty). One DC aged 4. Ddog
Mortgage (tenants in common) (he contributed 10% of our deposit and none of the mortgage. I paid 90% of the deposit and all mortgage)

problems.
he’s a bit of a cocklodger. Barely works. Doesn’t ever bring in a reliable income.
he doesn’t like the things I like. For example having a glass of wine once or twice a month. I am not allowed alcohol in the house. He does not have a drink problem, he just thinks only alcoholics drink at home and he thinks it is a bad example for DD.
he doesn’t like peircings or tattoos whereas I do. He made me remove my septum piercing and gets very angry when I talk about wanting to get a tattoo. Not a spur of the moment thing, something I’ve wanted for years.
he spends all his time on video games won’t help out with DD and do school runs when I’m at work. He wants me to throw out all my clothes as I’ve got too many (two drawers in a four drawer chest and half a rail in a normal wardrobe

he doesn’t want to get married or want anymore children which is very important to me.

he never wants to hang out or join us in doing anything. Won’t come to events with DDs friends where other dads are. Won’t come to the park farm etc, has never taken DD out on his own. Shameful

I wonder if it is time to call it A day. I am only 30 and he is 45 in March. So I think I have been conditioned to live his life. Prior to this I was groomed from the age of 14-19 so I wasn’t in a great place to understand healthy relationships.
i just think I am still young. I could have the life I want with DD.

I am scared to be a single mum. And I still love him deeply. But this just isn’t right is it. We are not compatible
I need to hear it from someone else.

sorry for the waffle. Please tread lightly.

thanks in advance

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 31/12/2024 22:19

Not your problem he has no where to go

it is time to call it a day

life is much too long to waste it being miserable.

you're nowhere existing never mind thriving

your jib a s a mum is to show your child a healthy life. A healthy relationship

babyproblems · 31/12/2024 22:19

Nc546888 · 31/12/2024 21:08

He doesn’t contribute to the house with love or money, effort or care or consideration. He’s a useless lump. thank god you’re not married.

This. You’re right op.. you don’t need to justify why you want to chase happiness to other people, or yourself. Your happiness (or lack of) is reason enough. You deserve a real partner. Best of luck x

DeepRoseFish · 31/12/2024 22:17

Please get out now OP will you are still only 30.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 31/12/2024 22:17

Thank your lucky starts you didn't marry him.

Fuck him iff, it'll only get worse, as for housing him. Buy him out and then it's up to him to sort his own accommodation.

When he says he'll sleep in the car, tell him he'll have a job as you don't need two cars and will be selling one of them

MILLYmo0se · 31/12/2024 22:16

LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 31/12/2024 21:15

Thank you all. I needed to hear this. I can definitely buy him out. I’ve got a reasonable job and his share was so minimal I could probably do it in cash without remortgaging or anything. So that’s one less stress.

Do you have to buy him out at half the value of the house? Or just the share he put in?

Planesmistakenforstars · 31/12/2024 22:12

If he lives in a car he won’t get to have DD. His life will be shit and not worth living.

So then he will have to do something other than this:
Barely works. Doesn’t ever bring in a reliable income...he spends all his time on video games

Oh well.

AllMyExesWearRolexes · 31/12/2024 22:10

Sack him off, he's a miserable fuck - get rid of him and live a better life in '25!

strawberry2017 · 31/12/2024 22:10

Why are you scared of being a single mum, you're already one. You've got this. He brings nothing to the table. Tell him it's over, he's repeatedly shown you who he is, believe him and go and live your best life.

Goodluckanddontfitup · 31/12/2024 22:10

Grim. You sound an amazing woman. He is not adding anything to your life, he’s just hindering it. Cut him loose, you are so young and have a long life to go and find happiness.

Farmwifefarmlife · 31/12/2024 22:10

LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 31/12/2024 21:44

Thank you so much everyone. I appreciate it so much. I am worried as he has absolutely nowhere to go. I own two cars, so he says he will sleep in one of those. Which is fine. But then it starts. If he lives in a car he won’t get to have DD. His life will be shit and not worth living. And so it goes on. It makes me wobble. But you’re all so right and it really is time to put DD and I first

Harsh but he isn’t your problem if he has no savings and nowhere to got that’s a him problem. You are still so young and still have so much life to live… without him! Leave him and make a fabulous life for you and your DD

Codlingmoths · 31/12/2024 22:09

LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 31/12/2024 21:44

Thank you so much everyone. I appreciate it so much. I am worried as he has absolutely nowhere to go. I own two cars, so he says he will sleep in one of those. Which is fine. But then it starts. If he lives in a car he won’t get to have DD. His life will be shit and not worth living. And so it goes on. It makes me wobble. But you’re all so right and it really is time to put DD and I first

The response to this is ‘if that’s the choice you want to make. Some men would work more than a tiny bit and find a place to live. Men that care about their daughter. Like I said, choices. I won’t be making them for you.’

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 31/12/2024 22:09

DP so you are not married ?
Thank goodness for that !!

get rid, then get therapy or counselling or help of some type - I am sure the good people of MN will suggest some good books.

One day you will find a decent man, one who loves you as much as you love him, and hopefully wants to have children with you - you have plenty of time for more children.

MumWifeOther · 31/12/2024 22:07

LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 31/12/2024 21:02

Posting for traffic. As I’m in turmoil.

Long story short. I think it’s game over

together ten years (since I was twenty). One DC aged 4. Ddog
Mortgage (tenants in common) (he contributed 10% of our deposit and none of the mortgage. I paid 90% of the deposit and all mortgage)

problems.
he’s a bit of a cocklodger. Barely works. Doesn’t ever bring in a reliable income.
he doesn’t like the things I like. For example having a glass of wine once or twice a month. I am not allowed alcohol in the house. He does not have a drink problem, he just thinks only alcoholics drink at home and he thinks it is a bad example for DD.
he doesn’t like peircings or tattoos whereas I do. He made me remove my septum piercing and gets very angry when I talk about wanting to get a tattoo. Not a spur of the moment thing, something I’ve wanted for years.
he spends all his time on video games won’t help out with DD and do school runs when I’m at work. He wants me to throw out all my clothes as I’ve got too many (two drawers in a four drawer chest and half a rail in a normal wardrobe

he doesn’t want to get married or want anymore children which is very important to me.

he never wants to hang out or join us in doing anything. Won’t come to events with DDs friends where other dads are. Won’t come to the park farm etc, has never taken DD out on his own. Shameful

I wonder if it is time to call it A day. I am only 30 and he is 45 in March. So I think I have been conditioned to live his life. Prior to this I was groomed from the age of 14-19 so I wasn’t in a great place to understand healthy relationships.
i just think I am still young. I could have the life I want with DD.

I am scared to be a single mum. And I still love him deeply. But this just isn’t right is it. We are not compatible
I need to hear it from someone else.

sorry for the waffle. Please tread lightly.

thanks in advance

You deserve much more than this, and so does your daughter.

30 is still young enough to start again and live the life you deserve.

I hope you find the strength you need to do what’s right for you and your child 🩷

876543A · 31/12/2024 22:07

You are not responsible for what he does afterwards. He will sort himself out one way or the other. He will face a few tough months probably, yes, but when he realises that he alone is responsible for putting a roof over his head he will get a job or seek help from council / a charity etc etc. Don't delay the decision to end the relationship just because you're worried about where he will live. Give your daughter a good life the best you can. What he does is up to him.

Deadbeatex · 31/12/2024 22:07

You say you're scared to be a single mum but it sounds like you already are.....
Him not having anywhere to go isn't your problem, he can get a job and rent somewhere or present as homeless to the council, if he chooses to sleep in the car then that is HIS CHOICE and you should not feel guilt for his choices. If he wants contact with DD then he can get himself sorted with somewhere to live just like the rest of the population do. Realistically is he going to have much contact given he's never had her on his own anyway and sounds like a shit dad.
Start 2025 without this cocklodger weighing you down!

smellydog1 · 31/12/2024 22:06

Oh dear god! You love him dearly?? What do you love about him. He is a waste of space, a control freak and a bad partner and dad to your daughter. Please end this now….. show some self respect

SLRUS · 31/12/2024 22:04

If you're not married why would you need to buy him out? Don't needlessly give money away that you and your child will benefit from, out of a misplaced sense of duty

Lindy2 · 31/12/2024 22:01

You deserve better than this.

Merryoldgoat · 31/12/2024 22:01

LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 31/12/2024 21:44

Thank you so much everyone. I appreciate it so much. I am worried as he has absolutely nowhere to go. I own two cars, so he says he will sleep in one of those. Which is fine. But then it starts. If he lives in a car he won’t get to have DD. His life will be shit and not worth living. And so it goes on. It makes me wobble. But you’re all so right and it really is time to put DD and I first

Literally so what. Give him a duvet, a thermos and tell him to jog on.

RandomMess · 31/12/2024 22:00

Shock horror he will have to work and rent a room or similar. You know be an adult.

LifeExperience · 31/12/2024 21:59

"If he lives in a car he won’t get to have DD. His life will be shit and not worth living."

So? You aren't responsible for him. He's a grown-ass adult, and his pathetic life is 100% of his own making. He uses the "poor pitiful me" act to manipulate you because he thinks you're stupid or soooo in lurve that you'll put up with anything. Dump him today.

Ponderingwindow · 31/12/2024 21:58

If you want to break up because he is controlling, financial unstable, and you are incompatible in general, then proceed at your will.

if your primary motivation is another child, then I would rethink your decision. Breaking up a family just to give your child a half-sibling is not necessarily going to make you and your child happier. She will have less time with her father and adding a step-parent to her life could bring all sorts of complications.

Splitting up is perfectly fine and likely for the best, but only do it if you are ok with whatever happens. You might end up single for a very long time and with one child for life. Dating isn’t going to be your highest priority for the next few years as you help your dd with the transition.

Iateallthechocolate · 31/12/2024 21:58

If you were my daughter I'd tell you the following
He's too old for you
He's a miserable shit
He's a rubbish dad
You can do better
LTB
Have a tattoo
Have another piercing
You're young, be happy with your daughter
Being a single parent with enough money is fabulous

PondWarrior · 31/12/2024 21:57

I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a clear AIBU vote, OP. He needs to go, asap. You’ve got this! Life will get better.

Terrribletwos · 31/12/2024 21:56

LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 31/12/2024 21:15

Thank you all. I needed to hear this. I can definitely buy him out. I’ve got a reasonable job and his share was so minimal I could probably do it in cash without remortgaging or anything. So that’s one less stress.

You can buy him out and start afresh! You have an excellent start to new beginnings! Make it work for you.

He is bringing you down and you realise this. You are young, move on to a new, good life.