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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not go to the upcoming party

59 replies

livvyice · 31/12/2024 15:17

I recently attended a party with my DP, for his child. His ex also attended with her partner. DP is very amicable with his ex, knows her partner reasonably well as he moved in with her last year so sees him a lot at drop off / pick up. He also still helps her out with some things around the house as he does that for a living.

They split up around a decade ago and I'm the first partner he's introduced to his kids / his ex.

I was a little nervous going to the party and meeting the ex but DP told me it'd be fine, she'd be friendly etc. I get on well with his DC.

I was introduced to her partner first who was pleasant. DP then introduced me to his ex who smiled but immediately walked off. Over the course of the evening his ex pretty much refused to acknowledge or even look at me and on a couple of occasions I even caught her and her friends talking about me. Afterwards DP said how surprised he was that she wasn't friendlier as they get on so well, and he's made lots of effort with her DP.

There is another event coming up soon with the same people going. Would I be unreasonable not to go? I felt really quite uncomfortable and I don't want to have to put myself through that again so soon, but I also don't want to upset DP by saying no to the invite.

OP posts:
crashbandicooty · 01/01/2025 17:13

What a bitch. I would go but be cringing and hate every minute of it.

Original poster
livvyice · 01/01/2025 17:09

@GreyCarpet Sorry to hear you've experienced that! It's all very bizarre.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 01/01/2025 16:51

She might have just felt very uncomfortable with the changed dynamic and not really known how to manage it and it came out badly.

If, after 10 years, you're the first person he's introduced to the extended family, it's obvious that it's serious between you and people react to change in odd ways.

For full disclosure, my partner's ex did similar to me. I've met her half a dozen times or so now and she will just stand in front of me looking me up and down and is rude to me or will outright ignore me if I speak to her. Her partner is absolutely fine with me, and my partner and he get on well.

Their children are adults so we don't see them often but my partner had to speak to her in the end and tell her it was out of order.

I'd say give it another go before avoiding. Tell your partner what happened this time and tell.him if it happens again. If he wants you there, he needs to sort this out. The onus is not on you to just accept it.

solopanda · 01/01/2025 16:50

livvyice · 01/01/2025 16:45

@solopanda No not at all!

How did you notice this so much then?

Pandasnacks · 01/01/2025 16:45

I’d go, why would you treat yourself like the other woman? Go to the event with your partner and enjoy it, you and this woman have no obligation to be friendly with each other but if you’re in it for the long run then it’s best to be able to be around her now.

Original poster
livvyice · 01/01/2025 16:45

@solopanda No not at all!

OP posts:
NewNovaNivarna · 01/01/2025 16:44
  • meant friends not friggate 😂
solopanda · 01/01/2025 16:43

livvyice · 01/01/2025 16:33

@pestowithwalnuts It was just slyly pointing at me, dirty looks, looking me up and down, whispering etc

Be honest here were you looking at her a lot?

NewNovaNivarna · 01/01/2025 16:43

It's a control thing . She sees you as a threat . Kill her with kindness don't rise to the bait but don't put up with abuse either . I also wonder if these so called frigate stirring the pot. I would also make it plain to your man that you are not putting up with any nonsense and he is to have your back. Nip this in the bud .

BenditlikeBridget · 01/01/2025 16:42

Well, let’s call a spade a spade here- are you younger / more attractive than her??

solopanda · 01/01/2025 16:42

I wouldn't go. You don't have to go to every one. Be busy. Then go to the next one.

If her behaviour continues just say you think mum is struggling with your presence so you'll make it easier for her and sit out.

Original poster
livvyice · 01/01/2025 16:40

@NewNovaNivarna That did cross my mind - he does all her DIY!

OP posts:
NewNovaNivarna · 01/01/2025 16:35

She's probably scared that he won't do jobs for her anymore and is going to put you before her .

Original poster
livvyice · 01/01/2025 16:33

@pestowithwalnuts It was just slyly pointing at me, dirty looks, looking me up and down, whispering etc

OP posts:
Critsey · 31/12/2024 23:10

If your partner is a decent man, he would have a word with his ex and ask why she felt the need to be so rude, particularly as he has been so pleasant to her new partner?

If he says nothing and is unbothered about her behaviour then he is just another weak spineless man.

They are ten a penny and you deserve better.

Endofyear · 31/12/2024 23:05

You don't have to go but I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of having chased you off! Does it matter that she's not friendly? Just chat to DH, his kids and others and ignore her if she ignores you. She's the one being petty and nasty. You can be the bigger person and show that you're not intimidated. That's what I would do!

Treblechef · 31/12/2024 19:04

I wouldn’t go. You don’t have to

Original poster
livvyice · 31/12/2024 18:52

@SleepingStandingUp It's in a few weeks time. I do think we're in it for the long run - DP has never introduced anyone to his kids before me.

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 31/12/2024 18:46

I think it would be really brave and helpful in the long run to be there to show her that you are long term. DP should be careful to be by your side and for you to agree to stay a fairly short time at the party.

NeedToChangeName · 31/12/2024 18:44

Maybe she felt a bit awkward too? Or distracted by party chores

And if you're the first GF that's been introduced, I don't think it's surprising that the ex pointed you out to her friends. If they were just asking her eg where you live, is it serious, do the kids like you, I think that's totally fine

Cosmosforbreakfast · 31/12/2024 18:43

Just be polite to her, don't let on you noticed her being unfriendly. Maybe she wants you to feel uncomfortable so your partner comes to events alone. As a stepmother you will have all sorts of events to attend with her present, best to just be civil to her and act as if she doesn't bother you at all.

LaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaa · 31/12/2024 18:41

livvyice · 31/12/2024 18:33

I do get what you're all saying but I'm not sure it's that - DP says she seems really happy and plasters the boyfriend all over social media!

Happy, secure people don’t do this.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/12/2024 18:40

What's the next party? Do you think you and DP are in it for the long run?

loropianalover · 31/12/2024 18:40

livvyice · 31/12/2024 18:33

I do get what you're all saying but I'm not sure it's that - DP says she seems really happy and plasters the boyfriend all over social media!

Of course she plasters him everywhere. Everyone needs to know how ‘happy’ she is.

Happy people don’t act this way, especially around their children. I would show up to the next event with a smile on my face.

FeliznaviDogs · 31/12/2024 18:39

livvyice · 31/12/2024 18:33

I do get what you're all saying but I'm not sure it's that - DP says she seems really happy and plasters the boyfriend all over social media!

Sometimes those that post the super happy photos and pronounce their love to the world via SM are trying to prove a point. That it’s working and there are Definitely No Issues At Home. The fact she’s being so catty towards you suggests jealousy which I bet her partner has noticed and it’s likely to have gone down like a crap sandwich.

It’s just jealousy - good advice above to just smile and be happy and others will naturally look at you both and quietly understand why they’re no longer together.

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