Families when someone is wanting to change genders

I’ll tell you where it has come from… Discord, Tumblr, Reddit and Anime…

My suggestion wasn’t about dismissing the 9-year-old’s feelings or forcing them to suppress their boundaries. On the contrary, their feelings matter, and it’s important to address them with empathy and understanding.

When I mentioned it being a learning opportunity, I meant fostering dialogue to help the 9-year-old understand the situation in an age-appropriate way while also ensuring their own comfort is respected. It’s not about “pleasing” anyone—it’s about balancing the needs and feelings of both siblings in a way that promotes mutual respect.

Teaching empathy doesn’t mean ignoring someone’s discomfort; it means guiding them to better understand differences while also validating their own emotions.
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Have you looked into your DS1's computer use? Are you sure DS2 hasn't seen any sexualized content?

As for your 9-year-old feeling uncomfortable in their room because of their sibling’s clothing choices, it might help to frame this as a learning opportunity. Embracing differences can teach empathy and open-mindedness.

No, don't teach your 9 year old that their discomfort doesn't matter and they should drop their boundaries to please a man.

Disgusting "advice".

He is a young man who wants boobs and wears sexualized clothing that is meant to objectify women. When one hears hoof beats...

Just to clarify, there has been no mention of ‘sexual fetishes’ anywhere in the OP’s post. The discussion is about clothing choices, such as short skirts and off-shoulder tops, which are not inherently inappropriate or “crazy.” Only the OP truly knows the details of the clothing being discussed, and it’s important not to make assumptions or jump to conclusions without evidence.

As for your 9-year-old feeling uncomfortable in their room because of their sibling’s clothing choices, it might help to frame this as a learning opportunity. Embracing differences can teach empathy and open-mindedness.

Please don't take this advice. Why should a 9-year-old be forced to 'learn' about sexual fetishes? Not all "differences" are healthy or appropriate for children.

Gender identity is anything anybody wants it to mean.

Biological sex cannot be changed, and there are serious health risks associated with gender affirming treatment that should be considered VERY carefully - including a great many unknowns because long term studies have not been done.

As for your 9-year-old feeling uncomfortable in their room because of their sibling’s clothing choices, it might help to frame this as a learning opportunity.

I think the thing that needs to be learned is respect for the person you're sharing a room with, hence the OP asking if clothing could be kept PG. Sibling is 9.

If son is wearing very sexualised clothing around younger children, this could be a safeguarding concern and seeking to normalise this exposure by treating it as a 'learning opportunity' could raise red flags OP.

This. With bells on.

Autism makes your DS1's situation more empathetic, but you need to draw clear lines that a sexual fetish around children is completely unacceptable. The wearing of the sexualized clothing in honor of his fetish around your minor children is at best gross, at worst child abuse.

The feminism and womens rights boards will be of a lot of help to you, OP.

Unfortnately autistic teenagers seem most vulnerable to the idea that if they're not 100% constant in their own skin they must be transgender. Show me a teenager who IS comfortable in their own skin!

I'd recommend you do a fair bit of balanced reading around the subject, as he'll need a firm steer from a parent. Getting breasts, or even having your penis inverted does not change his biology - he will always be biologically male. Taking cross-sex hormones or puberty blockers are NOT harmless endeavours, there are serious long term repercussions on his body. Find him some good wholesome gay male role models. Monitor what he's looking at online.

Gender is a spectrum, and not everyone fits neatly into categories at either end. It sounds like you’re being supportive, which is wonderful. I would encourage you to continue supporting your child in how they choose to express themselves, including what they wear.

Ask yourself: if you had a 19-year-old daughter, would you feel uncomfortable if she wore short skirts or off-the-shoulder tops around the house? Many teenage girls go through phases like this—I know I did. If your answer is yes, perhaps gently guide your child towards more appropriate choices at home, while still respecting their preferences. It sounds like you’re already doing this, as you mentioned they’ve agreed to wear longer skirts.

As for your 9-year-old feeling uncomfortable in their room because of their sibling’s clothing choices, it might help to frame this as a learning opportunity. Embracing differences can teach empathy and open-mindedness.

I don’t have experience with autism, so I can’t comment on surgery or hormone therapy specifically. However, if I set that aside, I would suggest encouraging your child to take their time before considering surgery to ensure they’re absolutely certain. At 19, though, they’re likely old enough to make an informed decision about hormone therapy, and if that’s what they want, I’d support their choice.

From a place of interest (no judgement here!) what do your children call you?

Full disclosure: I am non binary(!) and autistic, but in my 30s, a parent etc—ie I have a "full" life that extends well beyond my identity. My mother is also constantly bombarded with the message (based on nothing more than my identity, often from people who have never even met me) that I must be a brainwashed extremist, which doesn't actually help either of us.

It's one thing when gender identity is your political hobby horse for whatever reason, but when it's happening to you and your family, it's a totally different thing. Don't let strangers on the internet persuade you that they know your child/ren better than you do.

Just to give a different perspective, there's a lot of ground between "radical gender ideology" and the kinds of ideas espoused on Mumsnet, I.e. that all trans feminine (MTF) people (especially those that are autistic) are either brainwashed victims or sexual predators waiting to happen.

I'd advise you get in touch with a charity like LGBT Health and Wellbeing—they're Scotland-based but they tend have a more nuanced perspective. They should also be able to point you in the direction of groups local to you that can actually help you, your child and your family rather than those wishing to push an agenda (from either side).

Other useful resources are the Gender: A Wider Lens YouTube channel and the Gender Dysphoria Support Network which is part of Genspect. GDSN support groups have been a life saver for me.

If he has therapy look for an exploratory therapist rather than an affirming one which will do more harm than good. Thoughtful Therapists and the Gender Exploratory Therapy Association are a starting point. I'd keep him away from the NHS which isn't fit for purpose.

He's male and wants "top surgery"? What does that even mean? If he wants breasts, the usual thing is to grow them through cross-sex hormones...if he's gay ie attracted to other men, does he think gay men like a sexual partner with breasts? Because the vast majority very much don't. He sounds very mixed up indeed and I think the kindest thing you can do is impress upon him the fact that no human being can ever change sex. When he comes to how he wants to present himself to the world, dissuade him from doing anything permanent. Oh and clear boundaries around your other children ie no telling them he's a girl now. He isn't.

@Pleasesendhelp8
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blanchard%27s_transsexualism_typology

Definition of autogynophelia linked above

Encourage him off the internet.

Get him a good, non ideologically captured therapist.

Do not support his damaging delusion that he can transition to a woman. Humans can't change sex and large fake comedy boobs wont make his life better, they will make him a laughing stock.