Husband never getting up with kids!

OP what actually brings to-the table as the partner and parent?

Kids eventually grow and take up some chores.

in 20 years you’ll be still stuck with this lazy man who thinks it’s beneath him to pull his finger out and clean up after himself or parent the kids he’s created.
You’ll be physically and mentally knackered from carrying all the load.

Time for him to shape up or ship out.Tell him that and mean it.

Christ - that's how it was with my ex.

TBH, it was part of the beginning of the end. I finally stopped picking up after him, stopped arranging his car insurance and sorting out his phone bills, stopped doing his washing and stopped waiting for him to agree before just doing it with the kids.

It was still frustrating obviously, but at least I didn't feel so tied down as well as annoyed at him not pulling his weight.

I don't know what you can do. I do know that even though I get up with the kids now (well, less so now they're older - and I trained them to get their own breakfast young so at least I didn't have to rush down when I heard them moving), I don't miss him. He dragged the family down, created more work than he did, and it's far easier to juggle the childcare and my job alone, being able to make all the decisions than trying to do it while annoyed and disappointed.

My husband is mainly good at helping but he can be shit with lie ins too.

if it ever is I message him it in black and white:

day 14th dec: you had lie in till 10am (4 hours) and a nap (2 hours) I had 0 hour.

day 15th dec: you had lie in til 9am (3 hours me time) I had 0.

he then realises the unfairness and I get some time back in lieu!!

That's a really good point. What would be to miss? It would just be one less dumping of stuff in the kitchen.

I don't usually jump to LTB because it's bandied about too often on here but seriously, would you even miss him if you were on your own?

When you had children did you not discuss the childcare and how to share it?

Wow

He really is a misogynist cock

Does he take any part of running the house and parenting or does he expect to live somewhere and get fed and sex ?

Is a high earner that thinks that somehow gets him out of everything else ?

I would leave in your shoes. I left when my kids were the same age as yours nearly 10 years ago now best decision ever.

OP my kids are the same age as yours and we pretty much alternate getting up with them on days like weekends and holidays where we’re not all getting up at the same time. It’s a conversation about fairness - right we’ve got two days this weekend, which one’s my lie in and which one’s yours (lie in generally meaning 8am unless there’s really nowhere to be/nothing to do). I do need more sleep than my husband and younger one is still wakeful so go to bed earlier, if your husband is tired he needs to do the same.

If you present it to him as fairness - you get your turn and he gets his - how does he respond?

I have this. The last few months it has been really busy at work so the house has been turning into a shit tip as DH and the DC (all primary age) just leave stuff.

I made it very clear to them I am
not moving stuff anymore, it will just get thrown away. The other day I asked and asked someone to move their bowl from breakfast, they didn't so I threw it in the bin. Might seem extreme but I have told them if they are eating off the table because there are no plates etc it won't be my fault. I will have my own plate.

I am just holding fast and leaving stuff, the house has been gross but it's really got to this point for me. I had a friend coming over the other evening and DH was panic vacuuming and moping as I said I wasn't and she could see what I have to live with 🤷‍♀️

We have alternate wake ups with kids when we are both off and if one of us was working the other would get up with kids.

We also have set jobs in house. I do get stuck with most of the mental load though.

You need to sit down and talk with your dh. Be clear it's unfair and divide jobs. Then don't do his jobs wait it out. Ideally his jobs will be ones that impact on him.

Alternate getting up , on his turns literally stay in bed and say "daddy's taking you down " ignore sulking etc

And consider what this man brings to your life.

In the case of my ex he was very different before we had a child. We'd be up early at weekends to go out and about, he'd do his share of stuff around the house, he supported me in my career (and vice versa) and did lots of meaningful things that demonstrated he genuinely cared about and loved me. He was very keen to have a child, we spoke at length about it all- the logistics, the reality and everything else and there wasn't anything to suggest he'd morph into a selfish, lazy, uncaring father and partner. But he did. Sure, some men have red flags or indicators all over them, lots change though following the change in dynamic even if they're on board with starting a family. Its also hard to leave, took me longer than it should.

He sounds like a misogynistic twat.

You need to think very seriously whether you want to continue to be with someone who doesn’t care about whether you are happy or not. Let that sink in, because that’s what’s happening here.

What are the consequences to him not caring about you? Doesn’t sound like there are any other than he continues to get his house cleaned and his children looked after.

Why do women stay with men like this and have babies with them?? Were the signs not there before ?!

Dh is great, but when the children were young if they left anything out they should have put away I didn't do it for them. Instead I called them back to the place where it happened and stood over them. That way they are trained to do it not just get told they didn't do it. If that meant things were left out of the dishwasher for the night or laundry was delayed (take your socks off and make sure they are right side out) then so be it.

For your Dh this is how the conversation goes. Either you start to do 50% of the housework and getting up with the children some mornings or you end up doing 100% of the housework and 100% of getting up with the children in the mornings you have them in your own house because I will not be staying in this marriage.

This is the most pathetic thing I've read for a while. Lots of people struggle with early mornings or are by nature night owls; they manage to grow up and be a decent parent and partner and not a lazy, inconsiderate selfish man. Disabilities excluded from that, but I'm sure OP would have mentioned if there was a genuine reason.

You can't change this, my eldest is 14 now and my husband has never got up with the kids.
Even Christmas day morning this year we were waiting around for him before we could go downstairs.
I used to send my kids into him in bed but they don't want to be in a dark bedroom with a boring half asleep man so they soon retreat.
Honestly I wish I'd left mine years ago because since I've got to peri menopause age it all makes me really angry.

What happens when you discuss this? Does he agree to do it and then not follow through, or does he literally think it's not his responsibility?

It’s not easy to nap on-demand if you have to do switched on all day.