Husband never getting up with kids!

Well you can forgive yourself for making a wrong choice in partner but sticking around while you know full well what he's like - well that's on you now. What exactly are you hoping to change in him that he would have to unlearn decades of being a certain way. You can't complain about something you very well choose!!

A friend of mine went through this, we all told her before she got married and she went through stuff with him like this. But she refused to listen. Then had child after child and now she's divorced with 2 young kids. Currently he's taken them on holiday somewhere that she doesn't even have details of, she's crying because shes spent the holidays without her kids and so many more issues because he's still a lazy useless manchild. But hey- she knew better!

I'm agreeing with the OP and everyone else who says you can discuss it, and believe fully you have an equal and helpful partner before kids, then it can all change.
My DH was going to be a SAHD. Suited us as I earn a lot more and didn't want kids in FT childcare.
After Mat leave, this didn't happen, so I was working hard then with kids on every day off. Meanwhile, he had his days off, which he refused to fix to set days, with the kids in childcare or me about. I couldn't believe it.

So did you do all the cooking, cleaning before you had DC @idubo

There are ALWAYS signs but they choose to ignore it and complain after. Someone doesn't get to this level of selfishness and uselessness overnight. It was always there. And yet again op is indulging and enabling it further. She should be looking to leave rather than trying to change what can't be changed.

Boss move tbh. This is what it takes.

Reducing her earnings and pension to make the layabouts life even easier?

How many days a week do you work? Could you reduce by a day (with the children in childcare that day), to get through house jobs unless he sorts himself out? Maybe offer that as an alternative to him? At least that way it takes a bit of pressure off you.

Would you ever consider leaving him OP? I think that's the only bargaining chip you have. Not about the plates left out etc but about the fact that you do loads more than him and still he refuses to do the basics of cleaning up after himself as he knows you will, its a basic lack of respect

I think you need to sit down with him when the kids are in bed, tell him later on you want to have a positive discussion about your relationship. Have a glass of wine. Detail all the things you do. Acknowledge the things he does but point out the time put in, and leisure time (eg lie ins, tv time, hobby time, chill time etc) is not equal. Tell him it makes you feel disrespected. Tell him you're worried about the future for your marriage as you are struggling not to feel resentful. Tell him that you have considered that if you split your life might be easier as you'd have lie ins when he was with the kids and you'd have one less person to have to clean up after, and likely a smaller house with less stuff. Tell him you're worried your sex life is suffering as you're too tired and pissed off from everything you've written here. And then ask him what he thinks the solutions are, given he doesn't like being asked to do things, but doesn't do things. Does he want a rota? Or to employ a housekeeper? Or to try a temporary split since he doesn't seem to want to do his share of the day to day family life? If he agrees to get up with the kids make sure he actually gets up and doesn't lie around while you wake up as it's pointless then. Make sure whatever solution you have, you arrange a weekly check in to sit down and talk about how it has gone. If you don't do this and aren't serious about a trial separation as a potential solution, then the only option is to carry on as you are, or potentially try counselling (that might be one of your solutions)

This is basically what I was going to say as I was reading the OP.

It doesn’t sound like he’s got any intention of stepping up, ever or he would have done so by now. You can’t change him so the question is, what are you going to do? You might not have the power to change him and his behaviour but you can change your situation if you put your mind to it.

It’s just a lack of respect for you isn’t it? I don’t think there is an easy solution. What is he like in other ways? I couldn’t live like this so I would sit him down and properly talk to him about how it makes you feel. Then if no change get counselling. If that doesn’t work then leave him. Good luck.

Look, just start with one small thing. There are 2 lie-ins available in a normal weekend. On Friday evening: “do you want Saturday lie-in or Sunday lie-in this weekend?” Men will usually say Saturday. If you feel so inclined, on Sat evening you could remind him that he is getting up in the morning and should maybe get to bed a bit earlier. On Sunday morning, you kick him out of bed and put in ear plugs. IF he refuses to get up having made his choice and agreed to it, well there’s no hope of him ever being reasonable and you need to consider the future.

If that approach works at all, you might consider using it in other ways. Along the lines of: “there are two main jobs that need to be done now: tidy the kitchen or give the kids a bath, which do you want? A bit like you just did…will he do a crap job of it on purpose though?

I'd send the lazy oaf packing.

He can see, he just can’t be bothered. Don’t be under any illusions that he can’t see it. He doesn’t think he should. He thinks you should. Watch he get arsey with you when you stop and the house gets untidy.

You are getting arsey with the wrong people. Don’t wait until it gets so bad you have to nag and complain at him. Sit him down when the kids are in bed and talk to him about how unfair you think it is and how unhappy it is making you. Ask him what he thinks could be done to improve things and ask him to follow through with it. Then review it after a trial period to see what you can improve on and what has worked. Communication really is the key, not sitting around getting more and more frustrated and resentful until you lose your shit with him and then it’s okay for a day because he’s tidied up once. It needs to be a proper positive discussion between both of you about what’s fair and what will work in your marriage.

He does see. He just thinks he's too good to do it, it's for you to do.
You choose how long you're ok with being treated with utter contempt.

I can tell you OP, as a lone parent, doing all this myself is actually a lot easier than having a useless partner who I have to constantly negotiate with because he weaponised his incompetence.

Seriously consider if you want to put up with a man child.

I often see this dynamic, it's like these men consider their wives their parent.

(In fairness I have seen this the other way round a lot too)

This was the same for me, plus my DH put the bins out.

After my divorce, taking on the full load of responsibilities turned out to be a doddle. I would say bins and bills added less than half a days work per year, and having 1 less person to clean up was hugely time saving. I can't say the same for ExDH. Living separately, with 50:50 split of the childcare, significantly impacted on his lifestyle. This was my fault somehow - I had not trained the children to be self cleaning and self sufficient🤣

There’s an article called ‘my wife divorced me for leaving my dishes by the sink’. Show him that. It doesn’t always start uneven my exH was hands on dad for a while but then slacked off. You have an extra child not a partner. The first thing people commented on when we split was how much tidier my house was. I would say go away for a week but he’d probably just get his mum to help. There’s also recent research on having a manchild findanexpert.unimelb.edu.au/news/56445-is-your-partner-a-man-child%3F-no-wonder-you-don%27t-feel-like-sex. My exH could never see it was his laziness that killed the relationship. I had all the attempts to turn it round and make it my fault too. keep reminding yourself and him that it’s his behaviour that’s the problem, not your reaction to it (whether that be ‘nagging’ or not finding him attractive).

I think the only thing that can fix this is to go on strike! No cleaning, no child watching….even if that means throwing them in your room with husband and leaving the house from 6am-10am. Just do everything he does and worse. Or…even better could you move out for a few weeks?x

Can you reign things in a bit by not cleaning after him? Not doing his washing. My DH sounds similar. I now only clean after myself and the DC.

Ah yes! Actually I did have a big box of things he was too important to tidy up - including his driving license, which he'd opened, and left on the coffee table (in a house with toddlers!) for 3 weeks (with me reminding him he should probably put it somewhere safe), before I added it to the box.

He was livid when he couldn't find his license when he finally needed it - didn't even think to look in the box, and when I suggested it that just made him more angry, since it meant picking through dirty coffee mugs and socks.

Angry at me of course, not at himself for not putting it somewhere sensible. Angry at me for not tidying up after him, not at himself for not even bothering to put his mug in the dishwasher (or even in the kitchen) on his way past, or his socks in the laundry bin.

You can't change him, speaking from experience. My partner never gets up with the kids, takes them anywhere, does anything with them etc. You either have to accept it or leave. In my case his refusing to leave so we basically live separate lives, even the kids aren't particularly fussed with him either.

Then following through with those discussions and decisions obviously. 🙄 You make it sound like suddenly the kids came along and all those discussions about who was doing what went out of the window and that’s normal. Funnily enough it’s not normal for everyone. If you both decide to have children then you both should want to be there when they are growing up and take equal (or at least the discussed) share of the childcare. My husband enjoys being with his kids and that involves early mornings, night wakings/feeds the lot.