Husband never getting up with kids!

Sorry, but from all you have said you just need to get away. How can you do this?

It's always afterwards though, isn't it? You only have to read this board to see. And often it doesn't reach peak shittiness until you've had about 2.

Once you have kids, they know you're trapped because it doesn't just affect the two of you anymore and mothers generally won't let children (small children at least, until the point they can do things for themselves) pay the price for a man who's unwilling to step up.

OP could be married to my 'D'H - he's never felt a need to get up with the kids. Despite being part of gender equality boards at work and pre-having his own kids stating repeatedly and clearly that he believed in equality (and that the way his Dad treated his Mum - like a servant - was appalling) he's still done this. My conclusion is there is a deep seated belief within him that I - as their mother- am somehow lesser and should do all childcare and cleaning.

He's improved very gradually over time. He's in charge of lots of people and Very Important Things at work and paid a lot of money yet we once had an argument about how to tell which is the dirty laundry pile and which is clean laundry that has not yet been put away. It's abusive, basically, having to have that argument, because any functional adult can tell, but the question is whether or not it's enough for you to leave. We also once had an argument about whether or not children ever needed their sheets changing. He conceded if they'd vomited or done a wee in their sheets they needed changing but in his opinion regular sheet changes were just ridiculous overly anxious cleanliness hysteria on my part and not ever needed. So if I felt that needed doing it was my choice, not just basic parenting.

Change is possible but in my experience it's slow and frustrating and with a good deal of insult to the woman along the way. But a lot of men are like this and it's likely he'll be just as shit with the kids if you separate and possibly deliberately difficult about child maintenance too so it's pick your poison at this point. (sorry to be so depressing at New Year). Just know you're not alone and keep going out to work, then he's forced to step up.

Why are you being so awful to other posters? Channel that energy at your DH and tell him how things will work from now on. Stop making excuses for him.

I would have stood at that breakfast table and told them to clear up before they go. If he didn't, it would still be there when he got home. Stop putting up with this shit.

@bey it's not blaming the woman for the man's shit behaviour, but women do have to take some responsibility for bringing children into the world with a shit dad, if the man was already showing signs of being shit. And if they were shit for DC1 then don't bring another child into that situation, no matter how much you want another child, think your first needs a sibling. Obviously, if he was great partner before DC1 was planned and had shown caring qualities with other members of family before then and had shown interest in becoming dad, then turned into a shit once DC1 appeared that is completely different.

Like PPs have said,either walk out or this if your life. Am divorced though went through all this shite plus plus so am talking from experience

Always on mn the woman gets blamed for the man's behaviour 🤬 infuriating.

internalised misogyny

I discussed this all with my ex. After DC1 he was great, he wasn't really ever any good with housework but cooked and equal parented. DC2 was a game changer and he became abusive, and just a horrid parent and partner.

Perhaps don't blame a woman who is quite obviously at the end of her tether. She is asking for help not judgement.

I am going to guess you didn't have a crystal ball when you married.
Turns out he liked the idea and theory of dc but not the reality.

If you muted all the words he says, what do his actions tell you?
Again, I am guessing, he thinks that someone else should clean up after him.
He thinks someone else should raise his children.

You have hinted that his family was raised with his dm running the house completely. His db didn't clear his breakfast plates for example.

Deep breath and think about that.
Dh could pay for a cleaner. You are a wife and mother with a job.
Forgive me but it was not clear how many hours your mil did paid work outside the home as well as being the homemaker.

Dh could pay someone to take over his parenting. Mothers help, daily, nanny, au pair, child minder, baby sitter. The titles and duties vary. He abdicates his responsibilities and farms it out to another source.

If he refuses, you divorce him. He pays half the costs of raising his dc or takes 50% responsibility for their care. Day and night, sick or well while holding down a job and running his own house.

2025 has to be a make or break year for you @idubo
Book into a Premier Inn for 3 nights and leave him to it, phone off. Might make him a bit more reasonable. Call it a late Christmas present from him.

Only he can change himself. Everything you have tried, said and done has not worked. He spouts some hot air, nothing changes. He stays stubborn and you clear up.
Time to try something new and radical.
(I divorced mine. He was soooo shocked)

This was the life of someone I know. She did everything and all he ever did was take care of himself. He actually left her in the end, but it didn't take her that long after to realise just how awful he was. He wouldn't even work overtime, with all his spare time, to bring extra needed funds into the home.

It's a desperate situation.

The consequence of him not doing anything is it gets done by you! Why on earth would he change? He doesn’t respect you at all, why would you want to be with a man like that?

@idubo have a look at this comic. Rings a bell?

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

OP, you’re knackered and it’s not pleasant to be presented with some hard truths.

Possible outcomes are just like @AdviceAdvice123 said.

You said your H was capable, he changed when the kids came.

He is still capable but he can’t be arsed.

Parenting young kids and fitting your life around them is difficult,relentless and boring.It’s neverending.

Sit him down and tell him that it was a mutual decision to have kids so he needs to do his share in parenting,the same applies to housekeeping.
He’s also living in the house, uses the toilet/bathroom, eats and makes mess. He needs to contribute his time and labour to running the household just like you do.

Tell him that his unwillingness to do his share is very off putting and makes you very resentful. Resentment eventually kills the marriage(it’s a fact)

None of this “tell me what you want me to do” bollocks. He needs to open his fucking eyes and figure out the tasks to do just like he does at work. Kids need to be fed,cleaned and entertained. House needs to be cleaned.

Either he wants to stay with you and treats you like a partner (not a maid) and pulls his weight or he can take himself off to live his bachelor’s life elsewhere.

If he refuses to engage in the conversation- you know your answer. Prepare your ducks in the row. However painful it is your life will become easier without additional person adding to your load.

At the moment you’re doing all the parenting,housekeeping and working.He’s just working.

See the imbalance? Something’s going to give.

I’m not blaming OP, I’m blaming both of them! 😂

I do both of these things and they really work for us!!!
the lie in one about Saturday or Sunday really works. I present it as his choice of day!!

also I say do you want to do bath or cook dinner. Do you want to do bedtimes or clean up the kitchen? It’s really working for us

Mine changed, after twenty + years. Because I went on strike. Refused to do anything at all. I refuse to cook if I have to clear the kitchen first. I did only my laundry. Etc. I had to really grit my teeth to get through the first few months because it was horrible and chaotic. If the kids couldn't find their uniform: "go ask your father". Things changed slowly.

I also pointed out ironies relentlessly. For example, him being irritated that the children would only put their plates on the counter furthest from the sink instead of in the dishwasher. (I had to deal with plates all around the house). I also noticed that the default laundry spot (he would all dump their clothes in a spot in the living room en route to the utility) disappeared when he had to take on the duties.

So ... give it a go. But if you do, you have to really mean it and do it for a long time - I did it for a year - so he understands how much you actually do and how unfair it is. For me it was this or divorce. I had absolutely had enough. And when you start to help again, it has to be conditional. If the disrespect starts again, you stop again.

One thing I will say - it is LOVELY doing absolute nothing. Provided you have a small space you keep tidy for yourself.

Don’t be obtuse.
Ridiculous for you to blame OP for the fact that her H doesn’t put things in the dishwasher.

So he gets to lie in every morning and she can just crack on with it in the hope she gets a nap every now and then? Also, he does see the mess, he’s a grown man. He is choosing not to clear it up because he doesn’t think he has to. Stop giving pathetic men excuses.

I think you have to decide on your approach OP:

Coach him through changing (he may or may not change)

Tell him he shapes up or you leave (you need to actually be willing to leave)

Just leave (have a think about it, not how difficult leaving would be, but think ahead to a year after you left, what would your life look like)

Stay and nothing changes (let’s face it, most women do this and just get unhappier every year)

Sadly there’s no magic wand.

It is beyond shocking that you have typed this out in all seriousness as a suggestion for a father who takes absolutely no interest in the children he chose to have and absolutely zero respect or care for the women he married. The housework/childcare are the practicalities but the problem is the misogynistic guy who will always be misogynistic.

Eww massive ick. Could not be having sex with someone like that. It'll never change

Sounds horrible but you don't seem to have many alternatives. He is happy for you to be his skivvy.

Why should you sit him down and explain like he's a 2yo? Does he not have eyes to see, a brain to use?
I would have the serious ick if I had to do this. What does he even add to your life. You do everything anyway!

I had one of these. HAD. No signs. Lived independently before me, clean, tidy, seemed to have their life together. Became a lazy, selfish partner and parent as soon as the kids arrived. Resented the work that came with having a family.

They are there in the wild, hiding in plain sight and you can’t always spot them.