Husband never getting up with kids!

Hi Op. My children are the same age and I have the same issue. I think in 4 years, DH has done the morning 4 times-
each Mother’s Day.

I am at breaking point. I’m exhausted. Every day I wake at 5.45 with the children and do the morning madness to get the children to nursery and then I work full time.

DH always says I like mornings , he will help ( but never does . He is always quite calm and acts like I’m over the top asking for help. I realize now it is because I am constantly exhausted and he is not.

i honestly feel like I am ready for him to leave.

Tell him you don’t want a third kid and if he doesn’t change you’ll send divorce papers. Then he’ll be forced to do 50% of everything.

I think relate have gone bust!

What would happen if in the morning rather than you getting up with the children and going elsewhere with them, you get yourself ( not him!) a cup of coffee and just get back into bed to drink it there, letting the children play with toys in that room with both you and your husband? Might be hard for him to sleep through? Then perhaps he’d be more interested in thinking about a turn taking system for lie ins? Just a thought.

Sorry, you seem to have married a man baby. If he cant sit with you and have a reasonable discussion about your marriage and sharing of the responsibilities you have both created I would suggest relate. Being married is to be part of a team.

You still haven't got rid?!

Make a list of the positive and negative things about staying with him or leaving.

When it's there in black and white you may feel better informed about what is best for your mental and physical health as it sounds like or you continue as you then a breakdown of some kind will inevitably happen.

My ex was like this and I often felt like his mother.. he was so lazy, always got kids to school late etc. However he was never late for his own events/work.

Life is easier without a man child.

This reminds me of the (good) advice I got for handling toddlers.
"Do you want to go to the park and feed the ducks or visit the library and pick a book". Limit choices to make them feel in control.
It seemed fine for children, but I might resent having to do this for a grown man.

I'd do this!

Maybe start agreeing or if not laying some basic ground rules, be fair, give him fair warning and then let him start experiencing some consequences. At the moment, his punishment for leaving stuff out in the kitchen is that it gets cleared up, or not looking after the kids in the morning is they get looked after by you.

Next time he leaves stuff in the kitchen, pick it all up and empty it in his wardrobe, next time he won't get up with the kids, tip a bucket of water on him.

Maybe extreme but you get my drift ...

I had this exact situation with my ex. The resentment grew and grew in me with nothing I said or did making any difference. He just couldn’t (wouldn’t!) see that my life was a drudge whilst he did nothing, but because he earned a big salary, he thought that I should do everything else. I ended it. You already have kids to look after. You don’t need another one.

Stop being a door mat. You keep clearing up after him. You are enabling his behaviour. Start putting together your exit strategy.

Op honestly fight back. you clearly do have some spirit left in you so turn it on the actual problem.

firstly sit and agree cooking, cleaning, chores and kid get ready days. On his days do not do it. don't cook for yourself or the children, go out until dinner if you have to. same with the cleaning and drop offs. if he doesn't get them to school nursery its his dilemma.

on your day if there's no clean plates, use paper. wash some pots etc and cook then leave them as you found them.

unless you think he will leave his children to starve or put them in danger you have to take a firm stance. they don't do it because they know you will crack or can't help but to get on with it.

Yes it is obstinate and combative but unless stamp out this behaviour and demonstrate that you're not a mug. it will keep happening. don't get into arguments or discussion about, smile serenely and stick to your guns.

either he will act accordingly after few months or he has no desire to have an equitable partnership and you can move on and specifically OUT of this dogs hit situation.

You are not his mother or personally skivvy.

I would take some time to think about what your boundaries are and what you want for your future. Not the future for your children but what you want your life to look like. I'd then consider whether your dh in his present state is compatible with the future you envision. If he isnt then what are you going to do about it? He hasn't changed so far so is unlikely too going forward.

In my view other posters aren't wrong in stating that you need to take some responsibility for yourself. I'm not in the habit of making my own life harder but you have. Why? Clearly you think he has some sort of redeemable features. Are you willing to have a sit down discussion about what needs to change or you will leave or will you continue as you are? That's of course up to you but in my mind this man isn't a life partner in any way to you. A partner raises you up whereas your dh is a deadweight.

How can you live like this? Why do you want a future with a man who acts like this?

Eye twitching is a bad sign too. You are stressed and exhausted. You need a break.

I felt sympathy until I read your stroppy and defensive responses to some posters. No doubt I’ll get the same. It doesn’t change the fact that you are not a victim of this, you are partly responsible. He does it to this extent because you complain, but then allow yourself to be treated like this. If you always do what you have always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got. But yes, you carry on being a martyr.

This. You need to have a conversation when you are not angry.

As a side note, I love my dressing gown and I am not a morning person!!! I wouldn’t just let my DH do everything whilst I lazed about though!

What a total waste of space and oxygen, why are women constantly putting up with these men children who can’t even live like an actual adult

This really makes me laugh, post on here and them because people don’t jump to agreeing with you start getting the ump. You married him, and had kids with him … was he up with the larks before you had kids? So why is it going to be any different. What do you want people to tell you to do?
Have it out with him … oh I can’t as he gets angry with me.
Either put up with it then, or leave. You get what you settle for 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have this! DS gets up after 12pm sometimes when I’ve been up since 7 with DD. He doesn’t do anything around the house. If I try to talk to him about it he says he’s tired from working full time whereas I work part time etc! I don’t know what to do either!

@Ginnyweasleyswand but it isn’t always afterwards, there are many examples on MN where the male partner can’t cook, doesn’t do any household chores, apart from putting the bins out and then the woman comes on here complaining that he doesn’t get up in the mornings, doesn’t change nappies etc once DC arrive, when the clues were already there

I don’t know how old you are but probably around my DC’s ages ( late 30s, early 40s) and I am late 60s. If that’s the case I dispute that Mums did the cleaning etc and that’s why so many men of your generation are lazy .
I worked full time as did all my friends except 1 who married a millionaire!
My son was taught to cook etc and I think he pulls his weight at home . I would be furious if his DW said otherwise.

I had one a bit like this. Basically he thought I was being unnecessarily naggy because he didn’t really see all the stuff I was doing. The problem has been more or less solved with a ruthless division of labour.

Choose one thing that particularly bothers you (like getting up in the morning). Sit down and agree a strict division that feels fair to both of you. For example, 3 mornings a week we both get up when the earliest kid wakes up. Two mornings a week we each get to stay in bed until 7am (or whatever). Stick to it rigidly: “It’s your morning…. we agreed we’d both get up on Thursdays”. If he doesn’t do what he’s agreed to do, sit down together again and thrash it out again. “You agreed to get up on Thursdays but you didn’t this morning. Do you want to try again tomorrow or do you need to change the set up so you do Fridays instead (or whatever)?

Make him accountable for doing what he says he will do.

When you’re in a pattern that works, choose another area (eg tidying) until there is a clear division of labour for everything that bothers you. The clarity is really important because it’s the only way to keep him accountable.

Sorry that it’s come to this. My experience with my DH was that he wasn’t a bad man, but he was overwhelmed by small kids and work (as I was of course) and became a bit blinkered and selfish.

I'm tired all the time, actually exhausted but I still manage to get up with my children/get them to school on time but the poor little man is too tired so he must be allowed to sleep while OP does everything!
Tell him to get up, poke him, help the kids climb on him. Stop clearing up after him, just take out what you and the children need from the dishwasher, don't cook for him or do his washing. Why should you do anything for him if he's a lazy arse?