Should I say something to ex husband when we meet with kids today...

My XH had a version that went “Mum will get her karma”
My reply to this was “Oh God, I cannot wait for my karma to start. It is going to be amazing, please soon!” So we all laughed at his spooky predictions.
Your daughter is in her way to knowing he is full of shit. He can tell her what he likes, it will either be lies, or she won’t care.

So glad that you've decided not to say anything to him.

If you raise it you are giving him permission to talk about what he perceives you did wrong. Make sure you know what he tells the kids and tell them the actual truth. Getting into it in front of them is not going to end well.

That's an abusive thing for him to say. All you can do is support your child and inform your mediator or whoever has pastoral involvement. Certainly don't allow it to draw you into conflict with them and definitely not in front of the children. That's his poison not yours.

But does DD want to see him?? That's the question!! If she doesn't I would cancel the meet ups, he has responsibilities, not rights!

@Itsbeginningtolookalot Yes challenge him in front of the kids. Shielding them from it just makes it worse as he gets to poison their brains with lies.

I would let him know that you know but certainly not in front of the DC.

The power he gets is from saying things to them that go unchallenged.

This resonates. He's a bully. If the DC are in formal education ask school if they will consider implementing ELSA (emotional literacy support) for them both.

Grey rock him. Nothing else.

It's really hard but do try to stay as neutral as possible, at least until they are much much older. My ex had an affair and left for ow. They are still together and the kids always knew the score but over the years all the "script" bollocks has gradually been fed into the narrative and they used to ask me questions about why daddy left. I would just say that people remember things differently and it's best they not worry about any of it.

He's doing it knowing full well it gets back to you in the hope you'll react to it. By reacting you're giving him what he wants and he'll do it even more.

I'd sit the kids down and give them the opportunity to ask question, but answer honestly, in an age appropriate way, I also wouldn't go out of your way to paint him in a harsh light either. They need to see you as the reasonable adult, not the one that doesn't go around slagging the other one off. It's far better to ensure the communication channels with your dc are always open and that they know they can ask you anything, rather than trying to get an emotionally abusive ex to see sense

A solicitor letter will have zero impact on someone like this ( I learnt that the hard, and expensive, way)

I think you would be better off having open (age appropriate) conversations with your DC about what emotional abuse is. Don't go overboard berating XH, but think of it as part of their life education. If you think XH is drip feeding bad attitudes to DS in particular you need to really focus on how to behave well in relationships.

You will then be equipping them to understand what XH does, and form their own opinions.

If XH is an arse, the best outcome is for your DC to realise that independently - and vow never to be like that themselves

They figure it out in time, don't worry.

Keep doing the right thing. Keep putting the kids first.

They'll both work it out.

Keep making a home where they feel safe and loved and dont feel they will have to choose between parents.

What are you hoping he’ll say?

He’ll either deny he said it and accuse you of stirring up trouble and trying to manipulate the DC, or say they misunderstood and accuse you of stirring up trouble and trying to manipulate the DC, or some other variation of DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender).

It’s awful of him but he’s an emotional abuser, that’s why you left. He’ll keep being that person, to your kids as well. Your job now is to support them and not involve yourself with him - counselling (both for you and for the DC if needed) is a safe space to practice strategies to deal with him as a Co-parent.

Why are you meeting up with the kids today? How does DD feel about it?

id just reduce the time DS spends with him & talk to DS when he's home.

i wouldn't be meeting up with him At All.

id get a solicitor to send him a letter re parental alienation.

No.

I'd either ignore it or make a written log to discuss with your solicitor if you're mid divorce. It might feel urgent but this happened six months ago.

Can you clarify what you mean by meeting up? Do you mean a child handover or do you mean going on a social day out? If its a day out then I think you need to think long and hard about the messaging that sends to your kids because they may grow up thinking maybe there is some truth in what daddy says because mummy still wants to see him and it also sends the message that mummy wants them to see him and doing it tomplease yoh at their own detriment rather than it being their decision to see him which you facilitate.

Don’t bother. He won’t apologise or see the error of his ways. If he was a reasonable person, he would never have said it in the first place. Your daughter sounds like she’s already assessed it and worked it out anyway. Just leave it.

Certainly dont raise it in front of the kids no, you could cooly mention that you're aware of the comment and dont do that again, its foolish, you risk splitting your daughter away from you and she already doesnt want to see you alone so you're making it worse

and then wish him a good day

Don’t raise it in front of the children, no good can come of that.

There is also no point saying anything to your ex, you will not be able to influence how he acts.

It’s shitty behaviour and if he was a decent person he wouldn’t be saying things to your children. Take comfort that your DD is able to talk to you and just ensure you come up with stock reply if she mentions it again. Children are not stupid, by living with you she knows exactly what kind of a person you are.

Whilst it is so tempting to say something, try not to and be the better, bigger person. From experience, your DD as they get older will see what parent bad mouthed the other and which kept calm!