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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BF on sex sites....ffs

94 replies

Bigheartlives · 31/12/2024 02:13

AIBU?

You can't make this up. I feel like I've lived a years worth of Eastenders plot threads in the last 3 weeks and I'm slightly losing my mind. I can't believe I'm even asking this question because I know the answer already but I need a check and balance with the rest of the women in the world! Is it unreasonable of me to end the relationship because I caught my BF prolific on sex hook up sites (gay, swinging, all genders). I was in hospital recovering from a cardiac arrest and major surgery to have an ICD fitted and he'd loaned me his ipad to watch some netflix and my daughter was performing. I looked for the link in my search history, and low and behold his phone search history was linked to the iPad and I saw all the sites he'd looked on that day. It was a bit of an eye opener!

I felt instantly unsafe, we'd had conversations about this sought of thing, he was well aware of my boundaries and he'd been explicit in sharing that he would not be into that at all. I obviously didn't confront him at the time because I was going through procedures but when I returned home from hospital and gathered myself, I confronted him about it he claimed it was a 'hobby' that he'd got obsessed over and he was merely messaging the most obscene things to see what reaction he'd get. That he had no intention of 'cheating' and we should work though it because he has strong feelings. I sent a polite message explaining that he'd crossed a boundary and I would not be entertaining that kind of behaviour.

He claims he hasn't lied or cheated and that I'm being unreasonable. He has messaged about how kind and generous he's been, about how he's gotten speeding tickets to get to see me in hospital and about how he's been so devoted looking after me while I've been in hospital. Personally I think he's deflecting from his awful behaviour and trying to make me out to be the bad guy.

I'm curious as to what others think about this. I need a reality check!

OP posts:
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BluebellBeanz · 29/08/2025 14:12

Sometimes, it doesnt matter how many good things a partner has done for you, if they do that one thing that crosses a boundary then thats it. Ive been through something with similarities to your situation and it makes you feel physically sick and all kinds of unsafe, wary, questioning and unsettled. But, remember that we were given the gift of a gut reaction for a reason. This situation has obviously set off all your warning bells and your gut reaction is that what hes done is a step too far in the wrong direction. You aren't wrong to think that and I'd feel the same. Hes now in damage limitation mode and will try everything to deflect from his behaviour. Its not ok to do what hes done. I'd be throwing his stuff onto the front lawn and changing the locks at this point.

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 10/01/2025 13:57

Bigheartlives · 07/01/2025 09:26

I thought the same, I am very concerned that others who are more vulnerable than I could be a target. I don't know how to flag it up. I wondered about logging it with the police but no crime has been committed. I think I might still do that though, in case anyone wants to use Claires law.

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Maybe I missed something, but he was just messaging other people right? That’s not illegal so not something reportable to the the police. It’s very disrespectful towards you and he sounds like a liar and a manipulator in your relationship, but unless he’s been doing unlawful stuff (like child pornography or god knows what) there’s not really anything to report to the police. But maybe I missed some information or there’s more that you do ‘t want to disclose.

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 10/01/2025 13:47

Bigheartlives · 01/01/2025 13:46

I did. I was just curious because he tried to spin it and asked me to work through it with him. So I wanted feedback for validation I was making the right deciaion I suppose.

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He tried to spin it. This sounds narcissistic.

has he taken any ownership or is he turning it all into a you problem? Because you know it’s not a you problem. His actions are solely his to own.

StrawberryDream24 · 10/01/2025 09:22

BBBusterkeys · 07/01/2025 07:35

Bahaha “upstanding member of the community in a position of power”. They are usually the worst ones as they think they can get away with anything. And sadly, quite often they do.

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Still too dumb to unsynch his account when he lends out his devices though.

StrawberryDream24 · 10/01/2025 08:40

That should be *Are we dating the same guy?" Though "sane" is an ironic typo.

StrawberryDream24 · 10/01/2025 08:22

In terms of warming other women about him there are some websites and Facebook groups about cheating etc men.

There's "are we dating the sane guy" by region. There used to be Ind called bad boy report (!) I'm sure there are others.

They probably get shut down quickly - because they have photos and the men probably find out and start legal action etc. But the always pop up again.

StrawberryDream24 · 10/01/2025 08:20

Bigheartlives · 07/01/2025 09:40

There is a part of me that wants to expose him so that others don't suffer the same fate.

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I don't think the police would take a report of a man interacting with other adults on sex and swinging sites (?)

It might still be worth checking if he has any record for your own information though.

Crikeyalmighty · 07/01/2025 15:54

@Bigheartlives a wise movelovely ! There really are only 2 scenarios here- he was indeed actively looking or he's an utter weirdo !! Neither are scenarios you want to be around

Mooselooseinmyhoose · 07/01/2025 15:37

Bigheartlives · 06/01/2025 21:34

I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to you. It is beyond me how people can disrespect others in such a selfish way. I hope you have been able to heal from this 💛

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Thank you! I'm 2 years out. Happy and healthy and in a relationship with a wonderful man who would never behave like this. It has been awful but I only regret staying as long as I did not leaving.

You will get through it, whatever path you choose xx

Bananalanacake · 07/01/2025 11:30

It's only been 3 months, so much easier to get rid of. At 3 months I'm still at the meeting up twice a week stage, definitely no moving in for a long time. Well done on getting shot.

YourHappyJadeEagle · 07/01/2025 10:19

Bigheartlives · 07/01/2025 09:26

I thought the same, I am very concerned that others who are more vulnerable than I could be a target. I don't know how to flag it up. I wondered about logging it with the police but no crime has been committed. I think I might still do that though, in case anyone wants to use Claires law.

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Have you thought of asking for a Claire’s Law search in him just in case there is anything more awful to know? As a pp said he’s probably just a “ philosophical wanker” but if you’ve a gut feeling there may be more I’d pursue that.
Hope you are recovering well physically.

Original poster
Bigheartlives · 07/01/2025 10:18

cantthinkofausernametoadd · 07/01/2025 09:46

What now OP? What are you going to do?

I ended it there and then when we had the conversation about it. I won't entertain it any further.

OP posts:
cantthinkofausernametoadd · 07/01/2025 09:46

What now OP? What are you going to do?

Original poster
Bigheartlives · 07/01/2025 09:40

BBBusterkeys · 07/01/2025 07:35

Bahaha “upstanding member of the community in a position of power”. They are usually the worst ones as they think they can get away with anything. And sadly, quite often they do.

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There is a part of me that wants to expose him so that others don't suffer the same fate.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigheartlives · 07/01/2025 09:37

StrawberryDream24 · 06/01/2025 22:34

He's what I like to call a "wanker- philosopher" .... His wanking and whatever random sex he has is so much deeper and more meaningful and more intellectual and more analytical etc than everyone else's.
They're just wanking like shit eating gibbons whereas he is the Aristotle of wanking.

Edited

I'm so grateful for the humour you've brought to this awful interaction I had. You are totally right.

OP posts:
canyouletthedogoutplease · 07/01/2025 09:35

He might like to think of it as research, or a hobby. Let him. Behind many upstanding male members of community there's someone desperately trying to atone for something.

You meanwhile, get yourself going in the oppposite direction and keep moving because I'm sure you've seen quite enough of his circus skills.

Original poster
Bigheartlives · 07/01/2025 09:33

purplehair1 · 06/01/2025 22:19

What do you mean your daughter was performing?? On an Onlyfans site???

No!! She is a musician!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigheartlives · 07/01/2025 09:26

StrawberryDream24 · 06/01/2025 22:18

we'd had conversations about this sought of thing, he was well aware of my boundaries and he'd been explicit in sharing that he would not be into that at all

Very few people would be ok with this, with their agreement .... But you even had a conversation about this. And you understood it was not acceptable/a possibility in your relationship.

He also lied through his teeth, your face.

How do you go from "I wouldn't be into that at all" to "it's my hobby to go on sex and swinging sites, and to message anyone who'll interact with me the most explicit things I can think of, to get a reaction"?

You don't.
So he lied through is teeth to get you to get into and stay in a relationship with him.
And then did whatever he fancied (and I doubt he just started that recently) behind your back.

He leads a double life.

I feel very sorry for the next "respectable front/plus one" partner he has.

Edited

I thought the same, I am very concerned that others who are more vulnerable than I could be a target. I don't know how to flag it up. I wondered about logging it with the police but no crime has been committed. I think I might still do that though, in case anyone wants to use Claires law.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigheartlives · 07/01/2025 09:21

Sparrow7 · 07/01/2025 07:47

YANBU! Sorry if I've missed it further up but how long have you been together?

Thankfully early stages. Just 3 months and we were beginning to meld our lives. Im so grateful that in a way Inhad this tragidy and it all came to light. On reflection I think I was love bombed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigheartlives · 07/01/2025 09:20

StrawberryDream24 · 06/01/2025 22:12

he was merely messaging the most obscene things to see what reaction he'd get

That makes him sound degenerate, weird, attention seeking, twisted .....and (again) a total turn off.

I agree. I was dumbfounded that was his 'defence'. I expressed that I did not want a partner who did that either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigheartlives · 07/01/2025 09:16

Unknownmotherofthree · 06/01/2025 20:56

No you are not. My fiancé broke down January 2023. I drove over 1h 40 minutes in the snow to a mile from his work, two kids youngest 3 months and pregnant with our third. When hooking the cars together to tow him home a used condom wrapper fell out of his pocket. I was convinced he was doing the dirty behind my back but he swore blind I was delusional and hormonal. Few weeks later he had confided in a woman he had feelings for that he worked with years back but at that time in her life she was married. He made out that I was crazy and he was trying so hard and nothing he done was good enough. She never took the bate and confided in me to let me know. He never responded to her last message. Five months later I borrowed his tablet during a night feed I was breastfeeding so had 45 minutes at least to try stay awake and when I unlocked it found he was on live chats with women he hadn't even closed the window or tried to hide it. When I confronted him he admitted he had been jerking off at work etc. I was truly devastated. He walked out and took off for a week. Due to complications with my pregnancy I had to contact him regarding back ground information. He managed to worm his way back in. I ended up marrying him all was fine. Until one night few weeks before Christmas 2023 I had a small tiff with my own mother over something I can't remember now. He said that he wished I had died with our final child (I had major complications) and that he would have taken the kids over 300 miles to be with his family (who he has no relationships with and keeps his sister sweet for his inheritance as she's in charge) to be spiteful towards my family and because he couldn't do it alone. Fast forward two weeks and our middle child had his old phone he gave before leaving for work, our child had opened a message from his sister and handed me the phone as wanted YouTube. (His sister doesn't speak with me as I stood up to her when she arranged their father's funeral as it was his father's wishes he was not to attend his funeral and I felt this was wrong.) The message read that my ongoing complications, bleeding for 10 weeks PP ect I was playing up on it that I am fine and that I over spent on Christmas ect. (Our money is separate and every Christmas present purchased for all family members and our children was purchased by myself bar one for our son.) He uses sex against me, plays mind games ect. I'm not laced up the back. He thinks because there's a 15 year age gap and I'm younger I can't see what he's doing and he's good at twisting things on myself. I am no way perfect, but I have been loyal to this man to the core, picked him out of the gutter when he was an alcoholic sobered him up, gave him his dream life of a wife and kids. I do not regret our children and I love him for that reason but I am no longer in love with him and regret marrying him. I wish back in June 2023 I had stood my ground instead of not wanting my children brought up in a broken home. Please choose yourself, I am now stuck. I know I won't ever get away from this man until he pops his clogs or our children are old enough for me to have the courage to leave. You deserve to be happy and treated correctly.

I'm so sorry that this is your experience, I don't know where you are but there is help to leave these damaging relationships. Do what you can to keep you and your children safe xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigheartlives · 07/01/2025 09:12

StrawberryDream24 · 06/01/2025 22:04

He's an absolute comedian.

I eye rolled or shook my head at pretty much everything you reported him saying.

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I'm glad that was your response too. I was in total disbelief!

OP posts:
Sparrow7 · 07/01/2025 07:47

YANBU! Sorry if I've missed it further up but how long have you been together?

BBBusterkeys · 07/01/2025 07:35

Bigheartlives · 06/01/2025 12:09

The most interesting thing about this guy is that he is an upstanding member of the community in a position of power. On the surface he is a 'decent guy' and claims he is not 'a bad person', but he has a hidden side. My fear is for other women who maybe can't see the facade he plays.

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Bahaha “upstanding member of the community in a position of power”. They are usually the worst ones as they think they can get away with anything. And sadly, quite often they do.

LaDeeDaDeeDa · 07/01/2025 07:24

'he was merely messaging the most obscene things to see what reaction he'd get'

Let's imagine that is true. It's not an excuse that would absolve him is it? It just makes him look like an utter weirdo. Who has the time or inclination to do something as disturbing as this? It's utter nonsense.